Entitled kids - what do I need to understand?

They are rude and entitled. My ds's (young adults now) have a childfree aunt who has always been very involved with them and at times, treated them the things that we could not afford to. They have always been appreciative of her and the things she does for them. DH and I always make a point of thanking her, too. Your nieces have obviously not been taught basic good manners and it is sad for them as it is very unattractive; their parents have let them down in this respect.

Shit parents- that’s what it all comes down to. My kids know that the present will be given back right then and there if there is behaviour like this. I cannot stand children like this.

Does your sister say thank you if you give her things? Is so then just buy her a gift instead of the children.

Honestly I'd remove the gift and say that we can try again when they are ready to be more polite. The parents will probably kick off though.

I think this behaviour is normal-ish - most kids are self-centered and not always considerate - but what's not normal is the parents not acting on it. I think all kids behave occasionally like this but if the parents teach them what's acceptable and what isn't, they'll learn. If the parents don't, they won't.

I also think it's perfectly acceptable for you to point out their behaviour.

"if the gift I gave you isn't enough I'm happy to take it back"
"it's rude to ask"

if you bother to visit around the next birthday, if she asks about gifts /money, just say you didn't bother because she never says thank you.
If she can't be bothered to say thank you, perfectly reasonable to assume she didn't want the gifts.

This sounds like a problem with the parents. They should be teaching their daughters to behave better than this. While children act somewhat like this at certain ages, it's up to the parents to correct them.

Agree.

My nieces are like this. They are in their early 20s now and never say thank you.

their mum has always tutted and rolled her eyes and said “let kids be kids. They can’t be bothered writing thank you letters.”

except they are now adults in their 20s with mobile phones and can’t take the time to type out a “thanks” message.

I’ve had enough. The younger of them will be turning 22 next week and I won’t be bothering. Usually give cash but I’ve had enough now.

I do feel like their mother has really failed them, but they are old enough now to know better and do better and they don’t. Very sad.

I think all kids ask for things, just respond with "you'll need to put that on your Christmas list", "that's one for mum and dad" or "maybe when you're 18" depending on what the thing is.

My kids still need prompting to say thank you, buy I don't let go of whatever I am handing over until they say it. Keep prompting, they'll get there.

Do the parents send a thank you card/text after you've seen them? "Thanks again for X, DD really likes it [insert photo]"?

I wouldn't bring them gifts anymore (or maybe a small tube of sweets or something if that's allowed). They behave like that because deep down they don't really care about or want more stuff. But if you want to have a relationship with them, suggest a game or craft session. Or if that not your thing, play IT in the garden or take them to the swings. Then when you arrive they will be clamouring for that instead. Kids are very simple creatures really. They love people who play games with them or give them attention. My girls love my sister. She doesn't buy them gifts when she comes but shows an interest in their lives and is warm and loving.

My autistic boy always says thank you for everything (sometimes 4 times) because that's what he's been taught. He is very greatful if somebody gifts him something because he's not spoilt rotten.

I would be really mad if my children behaved this way and I would take away the gifts and ban them for a long time. Your sister doesn't respect you and now her children don't either. I would stop the presents.

If you’re an involved and engaged aunt, and developing your own relationship with your nieces, it’d be perfectly ok to start to talk to them about this. Do it in terms of your relationship with them, and giving them auntly advice about how they treat you. Gently and age appropriately, of course.

^ this, exactly.

My former Step-MILs GCs were ungrateful shits.

Being pensioners, she and exFiL could only afford one present. So they would buy them something for a birthday or Christmas, and they hever got thanks for it. The daughter never backed up her mum. One day, they came to give DGD a birthday present which she called crap and said, did you bring anything else? So they left the house (despite having been invited to tea) and exStepMiL said she won't be back until her daughter taught her kids some effing manners.

Didn't work though. They are still entitled shits.

Before I divorced she would send her GCs money in lieu of a present and they would text their Granny and say it wasn't enough. Eurgh.

My exH used to whinge at me because I would insist DD write a card or ring up to say thank you for gifts (my family don't live nearby). My neice & nephew have always contacted me with thanks. It's basic effing courtesy.

Pull back op. You are not a cash machine. Use your money to enjoy your life. Sadly it sounds like there has been a woeful lack of parenting.

Very very unappealing but not their fault. It’s how their parents are (not) bringing them up.

I had a young relative who was acting like this. I stopped spending time and efforts on gifts, and just gave a fairly low value gift card, with a note to say I was sorry they hadn’t liked their previous gifts so was giving them the chance to chose their own. Their mum then said they had like their previous (expensive!) gifts, and I explained that I didn’t think they could have as they never said thank you. I can’t say it changed their behaviour at that stage, nor encouraged the parents to change either, but at least I stopped feeling resentful. Once they were in their late teens their behaviour improved massively, I think influenced by their peers, so there is hope!

It's not so much excusing (it's clearly very poor parenting), but it's more that it's unlikely to change and the OP is unlikely to build a bond that will allow her to influence their behaviour unless she spends more time with the girls. Up to her of course whether that's something she wants to do.

I’m surprised at the posters excusing the bad behaviour of the girls. Unless there are SEN issues it’s not difficult to teach children to say please and thank you. Obviously everyone can forget occasionally but to regularly not bother is awful behaviour and a sign of awful parenting.

I stopped giving my nieces and nephews gifts because of this ( they were in their teens, so old enough to know). Did give again at big birthdays (18 and 21).

Still no thank yous!