Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it cheap not to cater?

464 replies

Itrtttyy · 23/03/2025 20:12

it’s a significant birthday and a function room is being hired out 4-6pm for around 40 guests then afterwards carrying on in nearby (nice) pubs. The function room place serves food as do a few nearby pubs.

Does the event need catered (a buffet)?

Yes - YABU
No - YANBU

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 24/03/2025 14:19

Itrtttyy · 23/03/2025 20:24

Yes, a night out until whenever people drift off home. Late late, I should imagine.

I wouldn't be imagining late at all. People will need to get food, you won't all be seated together in nice pubs. A pub crawl for 40 will be a shambles. I would go to the bit in the function room then leave.

Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 14:16

Sosoftandfluffycat · 24/03/2025 12:02

If the 4-6 is for the older relatives etc who might not want to go on a pub crawl, it's so beyond rude not to have some food for them. A few sandwiches and crisps type thing would be better than nothing. I can't think of any other reason for the 4-6. She's also said no presents so that's a bit miserable too, no one watching her open some nice gifts. It sounds rubbish to be honest, don't think I'd go. As a friend I'd try and get her to rethink it a bit.

She’ll obviously get gifts from her closest friends and family on her actual birthday, but she doesn’t want them from anyone else. She was very specific about this at her wedding too.

I agree that it’s rude.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 14:13

TorroFerney · 24/03/2025 07:26

But you’d be on a table where two people were eating and two weren’t , there’s then the call that people are going to another pub whilst someone is still eating their curry (as an aside why are people ordering curry in a pub it will be awful). She will lose a group who say screw this and go for a proper curry.

Do people never go for drinks after work and some order food while others don’t? Or meet up with friends and some haven't had time to have their tea so order something to eat?

Will tell my friend she needs to consider those who can’t make it through one night without curry from a sit down curry house and can only eat if everyone else is eating.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 14:10

Pickled21 · 24/03/2025 06:53

I think it is cheap not to cater. That was your original question. This is such a weird post, you've asked a question, people have agreed with you and then you are getting all offended on your friend's behalf. All the invitees are aware there is no food and if they are happy enough with that then fair enough.

I’m offended on her behalf when posters simply invent things to bash her with.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 14:08

Longsummerdays25 · 24/03/2025 06:46

Op I have been to events like this.

It usually is either:

Canapès and drinks which is lovely
Drinks, tea and cake
A full sized buffet and drinks

No food at all isn’t very welcoming. Even bowls of olives and crisps, glasses of breadsticks and hummus would suffice on a budget.

I am now being told there’s going to be cake. I still think it’s stingy.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 14:06

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 24/03/2025 06:15

If the bride and groom are just having everyone show up in a function room and then decide to have a pub crawl, I want to film great-grandma walking hither, yither and yon, getting her drunk on. 😆
Maybe you would go, but it isn't snobbery to say, it is rude and it is cheap. Because it is.

She might as well have just used the function room for 6 hours and let everyone stay there while they drink and eat, and then those still on their feet could go on the pub crawl. That, at least, makes a modicum of sense.

Well so what? So what if they did want to do a wedding breakfast pub crawl starting at Wetherspoons? As long as they were hospitable and paid for the meal and a glass of Prosecco, what does it matter? Seems eminently more sensible than spending £20k plus on a single day so that people think you’re classy.

The issue is the buffet, ie. whether it’s rude not to serve one.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 14:02

Neurodiversitydoctor · 24/03/2025 06:01

A pannini for a 40th Birthday party ?
Ok I am a snob but this is totally shit.

See, this is what is irritating as fuck. You are being obtuse.

OP posts:
Annascaul · 24/03/2025 12:42

Itrtttyy · 23/03/2025 23:10

I don’t think she should need to think about other people’s babysitting arrangements, to be fair.

If she’s expecting them at this (non) party at 4pm, she’d be a rare sort of fool to not consider they might have babysitting requirements.
She sounds quite unusually self absorbed.

You don’t sound much better, either.

Sosoftandfluffycat · 24/03/2025 12:02

If the 4-6 is for the older relatives etc who might not want to go on a pub crawl, it's so beyond rude not to have some food for them. A few sandwiches and crisps type thing would be better than nothing. I can't think of any other reason for the 4-6. She's also said no presents so that's a bit miserable too, no one watching her open some nice gifts. It sounds rubbish to be honest, don't think I'd go. As a friend I'd try and get her to rethink it a bit.

Sosoftandfluffycat · 24/03/2025 11:55

I think you should at least all surprise her with a lovely cake! It's not weird or passive aggressive as you stated earlier, it's just a nice thing to do. Then at least everyone can bond over the yummy cake!

Sosoftandfluffycat · 24/03/2025 11:52

justasking111 · 24/03/2025 08:24

The sensible thing to do if you've childcare issues is one of you go. The blood relative and the other stay home. Then you save money and only one of you will be hung over the next day.

Eh??

justasking111 · 24/03/2025 08:24

The sensible thing to do if you've childcare issues is one of you go. The blood relative and the other stay home. Then you save money and only one of you will be hung over the next day.

TorroFerney · 24/03/2025 07:26

Itrtttyy · 23/03/2025 22:10

Why would anyone need to go to a curry house? Buy a curry or whatever at the pub. People are not banned from eating.

But you’d be on a table where two people were eating and two weren’t , there’s then the call that people are going to another pub whilst someone is still eating their curry (as an aside why are people ordering curry in a pub it will be awful). She will lose a group who say screw this and go for a proper curry.

Longsummerdays25 · 24/03/2025 06:56

It’s the function room, it implies party and food agreed.

Take the function room out and drinks at the bar is completely fine.

Pickled21 · 24/03/2025 06:53

I think it is cheap not to cater. That was your original question. This is such a weird post, you've asked a question, people have agreed with you and then you are getting all offended on your friend's behalf. All the invitees are aware there is no food and if they are happy enough with that then fair enough.

Longsummerdays25 · 24/03/2025 06:46

Op I have been to events like this.

It usually is either:

Canapès and drinks which is lovely
Drinks, tea and cake
A full sized buffet and drinks

No food at all isn’t very welcoming. Even bowls of olives and crisps, glasses of breadsticks and hummus would suffice on a budget.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 24/03/2025 06:15

Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 00:54

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s snobbery. Would I go to a wedding celebration in a function room in a pub? Yes, of course I would.

If the bride and groom are just having everyone show up in a function room and then decide to have a pub crawl, I want to film great-grandma walking hither, yither and yon, getting her drunk on. 😆
Maybe you would go, but it isn't snobbery to say, it is rude and it is cheap. Because it is.

She might as well have just used the function room for 6 hours and let everyone stay there while they drink and eat, and then those still on their feet could go on the pub crawl. That, at least, makes a modicum of sense.

crockofshite · 24/03/2025 06:05

PinkyFlamingo · 24/03/2025 00:14

Thats so rude. A party always includes food. Or it's not a party.

Edited

You're right, it's not a party. It's a pub crawl.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 24/03/2025 06:01

Itrtttyy · 23/03/2025 23:41

I know what a pub crawl is. You’re not usually shot on the spot for ordering a panini with your pint.

A pannini for a 40th Birthday party ?
Ok I am a snob but this is totally shit.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 24/03/2025 05:53

Franjipanl8r · 23/03/2025 22:55

The question should be “why is there a party between 4-6pm”. It’s impossible to answer the food question because the party time itself is so odd.

4pm-6pm is a kids party time.

Yes and if it's a 40th it's fair to assume many will have children who need feeding in this slot, when I was 40 I woukd have really struggled to come and if I had made that effort ( babysitter, including part of the afternoon, feeding and bedtime as well as getting dolled up super early- unless it is acceptable to turn up in the cleaning the bathroom clothing) I would have felt incredibly short changed by the no food function room senario. It is valuing other peoples time at nought.

Onlyvisiting · 24/03/2025 02:16

Itrtttyy · 23/03/2025 23:32

We’ll get a table easily at 6pm. We won’t get 40 seats next to each other, but some will sit, some stand, as other people leave people will jump on their tables. I wouldn’t fancy organising it but it’s fine. Worst that’ll happen is groups will separate as the night goes on.

And of the 40, there are grandparents, pregnant women, aunts and uncles who won’t come out afterwards or not for long. We’ll likely go downstairs for another hour, a huge, old bar for another hour, and by the time we’re past food serving times and onto really busy bars the numbers will be well depleted.

See this I don't get. You say the worst is that the groups will separate.
It is a birthday celebration, if people get separated from the group that includes the birthday girl then there is no longer a celebration, it's just a group of friends and acquaintances who have been ditched by the rest if the group who will then either go home or continue the night their own way elsewhere.
Or do you really think you can all just roll out of a pub, leaving the 3 people who's food finally arrived at a table to finish eating and that they will trail after you all to the next place? Sounds very odd to me.

And to answer the initial question- yes, given the expectation is that there will be some people who will only come for the first part then if you are hosting a party you should be providing either food or drinks or both. Hiring a room implies the hosting imo, whereas if she'd said 'let's meet at x pub' it would still be a bit shit but could be less weird to not be providing something for the group as a whole.

I know you said you can't offer to pay as she would feel judged- but what about bringing/organising cake?
It's not dinner- but it is a socially acceptable thing to bring to a birthday!

Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 00:57

VivX · 24/03/2025 00:33

This was literally in response to you asking "If I’d said my friend was having a 40th celebration and had booked afternoon tea and complimentary champagne in a private room at the Ritz from 4-6pm because she wasn’t much of a party girl, I wouldn’t be told it was a kids’ party time. I dare say people would say it sounds nice."

That's a completely different scenario; yes, of course people would say afternoon tea at 4pm sounds nice - because there's an actual "thing" and 4pm is an expected time to be doing that "thing") and why people are saying that 4pm in an empty function room sounds quite the opposite (even if the function room also happened to be at The Ritz).

The irony of getting annoyed at people for including "entirely pointless information", when you yourself are introducing wildly different comparisons and superfluous information yourself, such as booking lunch at 2pm or an afternoon tea at 4pm.

And what was I replying to?

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 00:56

ByTicklishLimeBalonz · 24/03/2025 00:23

Ah, the eternal question: to cater or not to cater? A decision that might seem trivial on the surface, but trust me, it carries far more weight than you realize. Let’s break it down.

You’ve got a significant birthday on your hands, a hired function room, and 40 guests this isn’t your average afternoon. And yet, here’s the rub: the venue serves food, the pubs serve food, so why throw in a buffet?

Is it cheap not to cater? Well, that depends on how you define cheap.

Cheap is not about money; cheap is about making a decision that’s driven by convenience over consideration for the guests. You’re not saving pennies by skipping the buffet; you’re sending a message whether you intend to or not.

The real question is this: how do you want your guests to feel? Do you want them to wander into a room and feel like they're part of something special, or are you content with a couple of drinks and the leftover crumbs from the pub?

Catering isn't just about the food it’s about the experience, the effort, and yes, the image you project. It's about saying, "I’ve thought of everything. I’ve planned this celebration with the kind of care and attention it deserves."

Sure, you could get by without a buffet, but that’s not what this is about. It’s about creating a memorable event, one that’s thoughtful and complete. And frankly, if you’re willing to cheap out on this, then why bother with a function room at all?

So no, it's not cheap to cater. It's smart. And it’s what makes the difference between a forgettable gathering and one that leaves a lasting impression.

Edited

Very well explained.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 00:55

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2025 00:22

Start the night to do what?

If no food or drink, what's the point?

No idea where people are getting no drinks from.

OP posts:
Itrtttyy · 24/03/2025 00:55

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 24/03/2025 00:11

So what's the point of the two hour gathering?
No food, no drinks, no gifts.

There will be drinks. It’s a pub.

OP posts: