How family-ish are you as a family?

Uff that's a qn for therapy lol. I don't mind that he wasn't involved as I realised / accepted very early on that he just wasn't an involved kind of dad. But I'm pretty independent by nature and don't rely on others for my own happiness (maybe to my detriment). On the other hand my brother was very much affected and still strives for my dad's love / attention, which doesn't work and makes him miserable.
I'm 99% sure my dad is on the spectrum, undiagnosed, so I try to see it from that perspective to make a little peace with it.
BTW my dad has just split with my mum after all of these years (in their 60s/70s). Over the last 15 years I've listened to my mum literally complaining constantly about my dad but doing nothing about it, which unfortunately made me grow apart from her, so now I don't have a close relationship with either of them. They should have definitely split earlier, though I don't know if it would have been any better for me as a kid if they had split then - maybe it would have highlighted how little love my dad had to give as I'd have seen him even less, plus it's always been super awkward to spend any time on my own with him. But at least my mum would have been happier, maybe.

It sounds like your DH is more involved - great that he does activities with her separately. Maybe it's just a case of finding the right activity that suits you all. How about you all list 5 films, and each week you can vote which film to watch from each persons list. Or look into activity books, they might trigger some ideas.

I understand the sentiment but you’re recommending OP removes her DD from a home where her father spends some time with her and her mum to one where he spends no time with her and her mum.

I’m not saying he’s not a selfish prick but how is being on their own when DD presumably wants to see him every day going to be better for her?

I was an only child and grew up in similar circumstance to your DC. My dad worked 6 days a week and his time home was for sleep or watching sport/reruns of old sitcoms. My mum put an enormous amount of effort and energy into quality time together such as games, walks etc. My Dad was just kind of there really but never engaged.

You asked for impact as an adult, and what I would say is that I'm fine, well adjusted and sought having lots of friends of my own. My friends all did loads of board games etc growing up so I've been introduced in different ways. It did make me realise how different my upbringing was and I am sad about it at times but my Mum did her best. I'm pretty introverted and happy to entertain myself. Most of my hobbies are solitary. My Mum died two years ago and I've had to adapt to a new relationship with my Dad, which hasn't been easy but we've got there - but still no board games!

We play board games together sometimes, and watch films together but we don't watch any regular programme together as a whole family (bit difficult with a 7 year age gap between children - there's not much they agree on watching except Bluey, which I do watch with them but OH doesn't) but we watch different things with different children (like I watch Simpsons with DS and X Files with DD, OH watches origami videos with DS and used to watch the Harry Potter films many times with DD but she's gotten bored of them now and they haven't found something new). We sometimes all go for a walk together.
But we don't do a lot together, we sometimes don't even go on holiday all together as I like to take the children to visit my family in the UK but my OH usually can't take that much time off work, and struggles with spending that much time with people he doesn't know well without private space to go to (we sleep on a sofa bed in the dining room so no room of our own), did it twice but not since.

Growing up we did so much as a family - card games, going for walks/countryside rambles, bike rides, holidays (though not always everyone as there were 7 of us and that made it difficult to take everyone on every holiday) and watching telly. I do miss that.

I see what you mean OP. I feel times have changed since I was a kid too. As a family we all watched tv together on Saturday night.

We have the Disney subscription so there’s a lot of movies to pop on and watch as a family with DH and DC.

Think about it differently. What things do you like to do together? What things do you like to do individually that you can do together. Being a family isn’t about recreating cheesy moments that you think being a family is about - being a family is just that - accepting that you are all individuals and coming together and some families have routines and moments where you do spend time together. The question is when, where and what.

My family do spend time together - we have a shared interest in eating, talking walks, museums, travelling, visiting friends, and we have a few TV shows we like in common.

OH likes , sport, documentaries and dramas. I like dramas, documentaries, feel good movies. My daughter likes game shows, documentaries and her age group shows.

We often share Tv shows that we think we would all like and make the effort to watch them together - but we also appreciate that each person has specific taste. When I’m cooking OH and DD might watch show thing I’m less into but they love - and vice versa - when OH cook me and DD will watch something he doesn’t care too much about.

Find out what your partner is into. Maybe he hates BGT? Find out why and maybe think of something else. Or if he hates it, agree to watch something he is into afterwards. Or maybe do something outside instead. There is so much you can do as a family - it doesn’t have to be restricted to board games and Saturday Night TV.

As a family of 3 board games were often played with limited success. Our family time is evening meals sitting at the table to chat, we try to all go out for a nice walk or outing together at least once during the weekend. Now DD is a teenager and out with friends it is more difficult to fit in. As for watching tv together as a family, this tends to only happen if there is something on that we are all interested in watching or a new film.

It's not rude.

You have asked if YABU to try to make your dh sit through things he really doesn't enjoy, because you seem to think doing that will create "special memories" for your child.
The way a discussion forum works is that some people will agree with you, some will completely disagree with you and some will be somewhere in between.
If you only want people to agree with you, then don't ask 'AIBU?'.

In my opinion - which I am entitled to give - it's daft to make someone do something they don't want to do, when there are so many wonderful things that parents can do with their dc which could be lovely, enjoyable times rather than sitting in an atmosphere because one of the parents doesn't want to be there.
You don't agree - which is fine. It's a discussion forum.

Not really. My mum was amazing and we did so much together that I don’t think I really noticed my dad. I used to look forward to the evenings he was out so mum and I could have what I called our “special nights”, which was basically just watching Saturday night TV on the sofa in our PJs!

I agree, it is important to do things together and bond as a family - and it will generally be driven by what the child or children want. You need to sit down with DH and explain that.

DD (mid teens) loves Cluedo. Dh and DS really don't - to the extent that she put it on this year's Christmas list that she wanted a family game of Cluedo. So we had a game in January and she loved it! Otherwise we try and play games after Sunday lunch, all together - and sometimes on other nights. Everyone likes different things so we have to be flexible, but have had loads of fun over the years. Today we played the domino game 'Mexican Train' with elderly grandma, two teenagers and us - great fun! And we all like rummy. Doesn't have to be long or complicated.

TV too - not so much these days as DH and I watch stuff and the kids don't as they are on their own gadgets - but definitely fun for younger ones.

Hope you can persuade DH to join in - I really think it's a major thing for families and for memories in later life.

I don't think you're being unreasonable op, you're trying to create nice wholesome moments for your child that reinforce a sense of security and stability.

My family were quite dysfunctional but those are the moments that I really enjoyed and my mum didn't often want to do board games for example and it did make me feel disappointed.

I personally would be questioning the continued phone and computer use. My ex was like that and then I found out he was talking to other women online. So I would be questioning what he's doing and why it's taking so much of his attention away from his family. I personally would dig a little to sus it out first and then speak to him about it. Not saying its necessarily anything untoward but i would want the peace of mind.

I think it would be important for you both to talk about your experiences of childhood growing up - did he do those things with his family or if not what did they do that he remembers as wholesome that he would like to recreate. Or what did he wish they did looking back now. For example it may not have been board games and TV in their house but maybe it was sport or being outdoors etc. I'd want to find out what he thinks dds experience of a family should look like and how can you work together to create that. I'd approach it from a place of curiosity to start with just incase he genuinely doesn't realise why a present parent is so important. And then once you've explored it I would get a bit tougher with him if it didn't change. If he's resistant to bgt for example you could take it in turns to decide what everyone is doing for family time each week so you and he both have the opportunity to share your interests with dd as well.

Mine was the same, he was having an affair for 4 years.

We've also got 1 DC - he's still quite young (3.5y) but we do little things together like baking, or gardening as a family, as that's what we're interested in. I think kids are most engaged when they can feel that you're really into it.
I remember my mum would set up little science 'experiments' for us when we were kids, which was so much fun.
Has your DH got any interests that could be shared? Or is it more of a case that he's just not interested at all? (my father wasn't interested at all and literally never spent time with us but my mum's enthusiasm helped to balance that out hugely!)

This is my thinking.

I don't consider 'watching TV together' a 'special' thing to do. I don't remember doing that with my Dad, but there were other 'special things' that we would do with him....even something as mundane as going to the tip, was made into a "Special Mission" that he needed "a co-pilot" for. We went to football together - again, our special thing. My dh took our dc camping - far more special to them than having him sit next to them tolerating something he doesn't want to watch. He'd go out in the garden and teach them how to set a fire. He'd take them rock climbing or kayaking.
I think you have a very narrow view of creating 'special time' with your family, OP.

Xh was very absent too.
Separated parents are a better normal sometimes.
So when it was his weekends he had no choice.
Worked for everyone.

We do breakfast and dinner together most nights (DH misses 2 morning and 3ish dinners for work). Friday night we start a movie together and usually I go to bed partway through. On the weekends we’ll do at least one outing, usually 2. But our kids are little so it’s quite different.

My husband hates all games and any sort of popular tv. Just wants to watch dark police thrillers and sport. But he’s a good husband in so many other ways - I focus on that.

Do the nice, fun telly stuff with your daughter and let her have friends round and do it with them too.

Some of my best childhood memories are of “the little things” with my dad.
He worked bloody hard, shift work in a manual labour job when I was little, so we didn’t see a lot of him Mon-Fri, but when my mum worked Saturday mornings, that was our special time with dad - even if it was just huge bowls of cereal and Saturday morning cartoons sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️
He taught us to ride our bikes, taught us to swim, took me to my first premier league football matches, played Barbie’s with us etc
My ultimate special memory was Saturday nights. We’d be sent to bed, and I’d stay awake until I heard mum go to bed. That was when mine and dad’s special code would come into effect: he’d turn the tv volume up just enough so I’d hear the Match Of The Day theme tune, and that was my cue that mum was in bed and I was safe to sneak downstairs and watch with him. Usually I’d fall asleep on his lap about 20 mins in, but still 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was something special that was just for me and him.

Does he make time for your child in other ways?
Even if it’s just kicking a ball around the garden?!

Do your own traditions with dd. My dh does lots with us, if he didn’t I’d have divorced him. We do things separately too, but it’s rare. I’ve just booked a holiday for me and dds who are teens to my parents home country (both departed now) to let them see what I did when I was a kid.
We go roasts on a Sunday, takeaway Fridays, We sit for dinner together, theatre, cinema, weekends away etc.

I think we were more family-ish years back when we only had 2 kids. Then we had 4 and it’s just harder to do stuff that everyone likes. The older 2 are adults now and I don’t think we did as much with the younger two. I personally hate board games. Youngest ds doesn’t want to watch movies or anything. The only things we do are sports related. Going to matches. Then there’s holidays and meals out.
I also remember tv shows, movies and games etc when I was kid but I didn’t have a phone/PS5 etc.