To think that if you keep getting into toxic relationships, maybe you’re the common denominator?

Yes I agree - but on the basis that abusers always claim to have “psycho exes”. And I think they are the common denominator. Nobody ever admits to being the perpetrator do they!

Yes and no.

It's not simple bad luck and work can be done to change patterns.

But it's not just that people in abusive relationships are bad at choosing. Some factors which influence this include:

• Many suffered childhood abuse and don't know how to identify a healthy relationship. Abusive behaviour is the closest thing to love they know. Possessive and controlling behaviour can be misidentified as a protectiveness and care, which you're going to want after being hurt.
• Once you've been abused once, your self-esteem is low and you may feel desperate to be shown love. It's easier to be reeled in by the next abuser, and the deep desire to be cared about means you might ignore red flags.
• The low self-esteem also means that when the relationship starts to become abusive, you're easily convinced that it's your fault. The more times it happens the more you come to believe that that is all you are worth.
• The underlying vulnerabilities which led to the first abusive relationship might well still be there.
• Abusive people are very good at spotting vulnerable people and targeting them.

There's also a very small number of people who are extremely high conflict, seek out other high conflict people, and have toxic relationships then claim they've been abused when actually it went both ways. These people are a very small minority and do not represent most people in abusive relationships.

I don't think "common denominator" does imply fault. People often confuse cause with being at fault, and that's a mistake and stops people from seeing where they are making mistakes clearly.

I'd also say that toxic relationships aren't always about an abuser taking advantage of a victim. A lot of the time it is about two people with problems who make each others problems worse, or who are using each other in some way.

In my work I see a lot of people with serious drug addiction, and many toxic relationships. Some are women hooked up with dealers and pimps whoa re certainly abusers - in some cases the women know this and could leave but put up with it because of the access to drugs - it's the drugs which hold them there rather than a threat from the men who could replace her easily enough.

But there are also plenty of instances where they are both addicts, and they are better able to pursue their addiction together rather than alone. Some seem to hate each other, while others have real affection, but ultimately they are together because a non-addict would not put up with the lifestyle and drug seeking, and they take care of each other when they are using.

None of that makes for a healthy relationship, even apart from the drugs though, there is a lot of drama and even violence that comes out of the drugs and self-hatred involved in being an addict, and that gets focused into the relationship.

I think you can get similar, though usually less extreme, dynamics between couples who have other issues besides addiction, too.

I can see what you are saying OP.

My DP was in an abusive relationship. He really is Mr Nice Guy. His wife was violent towards him.

His adult DC’s, although not violent, also take advantage of him, playing on his niceness.

The phrase 'common denominator' is usually used to imply that the person concerned is the one at fault. That's unfair.

Successive abusive relationships can be because of a childhood of abuse - the first adult at least appeared to like the victim some of the time, for example, the next one might have been a lovebomber and controlling through emotional blackmail rather than through violence, the next a complete victim painting themselves as the abused one, another a rescuer turned jailer, for example. At no point is that ever the fault of the victim.

If anything, blame the parents who set the narrative for life so that none of these ever seemed quite as bad as them.

I think you have a point but could have been worded more tactfully. There is a reason vulnerable women are often encouraged to do the freedom programme. I know they also encourage men who are perpetrators of DV too and it covers both sides but the reality is, vulnerable women often don’t know identify red flags adequately, or worse, they do but will ignore them/ minimise them. Abusive men will target vulnerable women. It’s a cycle and a really tough one to break!

I think this applies to a wider scope of “toxic” relationships than just those with DV but wanted to use the above as an example to highlight my point.

maybe its unavoidable as there are so many of them out there

My DCousin, who I love very much, continually enters relationships with big, dominant cavemen types and each and every one of them has been a disaster. She absolutely doesn't deserve to be abused (no one does) but now instead of sympathising and validating as much I direct her to the Women's Aid programmes about recognising red flags. Her entire type is a red flag.

I’m talking generally and I do think abusive/narcissistic men can spot a vulnerable’supply’ woman that they can manipulate and these women tend to attract these types of men. Yes, there will always be an exception to the rule. My poor sister was vulnerable in that she put men on a pedestal and higher than herself and it showed in the way she got treated. She had very poor self worth and so this put her in a dangerous position. I know strong women that have been broken but most strong women I know are just that and it shows in how they allow themselves to be treated.

I think even the answers that disagree with the OP, prove the point to some extent.

Narcissists go after the vulnerable most responses say, so the common denominator is the vulnerability that multiple 'narcissists' exploit. And we know that people follow familiar patterns, and that pattern is yours until you've resolved it or given up dating completely.

This post made me wince a little. I don't like dividing women into 'strong' and vulnerable, or whatever you think the opposite is.

Plenty of women with great self-esteem have ended up in abusive relationships. That's the problem, it can happen so slowly and gradually. No one is immune really.

I am thinking of a particular woman I know. Her self-esteem was fine. She was not vulnerable. I mean, her self-esteem suffered after years of abuse, but that was not a problem before. Actually, she is the strongest woman I know.

Well yes, it certainly is worth reflecting on why, but many of the women who are 'the common denominator' in toxic relationships probably have derp-seated reasons why they fail to recognise red flags. Reasons which maybe aren't so easy to just shake off.

toxic relationships can make people believe that they are not worth more and so people can be easier to spot and take advantage of.

it’s a little like once you have been a victim of fraud you are more likely to be a victim again

I agree OP.

You'd think it would be obvious, but look at some of the posts in response.

Yeah, I would agree.

If a person consistently finds themselves in toxic relationships, there is something going wrong with their choices. Maybe just being attracted to the wrong things, or not recognizing tossers, but I would say that person would be well advised to spend some time really unpacking what the issue is.

In a lot of cases, it's been my experience that people who consistently get into toxic relationships have significant issues of their own and are drawn into codependency because it allows them to continue in very unhealthy behaviours. Or in some cases they themselves are the ones who are deeply toxic.

Did a man write this 🫠

I think, as a holistic observation, this is fairly obvious.

actually recognising it, working on it and abstaining from relationships until you’re “cured” is obviously the part people can’t do.

because they’re traumatised, because they were poorly raised, because they are mentally ill, because they are neuro diverse, because they are disabled, because they are addicted. Many, many very valid reasons why people can’t do this.

So traumatized people lack all agency do they?
It's they who need to do the work, not the people who clearly see the patterns and point out that yes... people who continually become embroiled in destructive relationships are the problem. If you pick useless partners or friends you have to look at yourself and work out what you are doing wrong. If you can't work it out, stop dating. Or else you are condemned to being a victim all your life and the only person who can take steps to change that is you.

Yes. And if you take it out of the realm of sexual/romantic relationships and onto friendships, if someone is continually surrounded by exploitative ‘cheeky fuckers’, it’s not coincidence.

This is such a weird post. I don’t even know where to start with contributing to the conversation so Ill just ask - do you not understand why people might not have the foresight and agency to know what’s going to happen in their next relationship. Really, not at all?!

No shit Sherlock.

i thinks it's oversimplifying it to say it's one thing.

Some people seem to constantly end up as victims. Is this because the partners are actively seeking vulnerable people? Or do they only go for people with controlling or abusive personalities? Or do they only know how to react to situations as the victim, and they keep going until they cause a reaction they are familiar with from an otherwise "normal" partner. Or are they very good at playing the victim, but are actually very manipulative and controlling themselves?

Nope. Listen up armchair psychologist.

Go and do some serious work on trauma; abuse; dysfunctional families; bullying in schools and the workplace;
Add to that accidents, wars, assaults, natural disasters, etc etc etc then come back and ask that question again.

Much harder for them though with strong women. Most go for low self esteem so they can get the complete adoration they need. The strong women I know pose too much of a problem for such men! But yes, there will be ones that want to break the strong & see this as a challenge.