To think 3-4 hours to yourself is actually quite a lot of time when you have preschool children?

Do you do DIY and house maintenance though OP? I find STAHP or the half of couples who don’t do those things underestimate the time and effort it requires and always thinks it’s a 5 minute job. Especially when they’ve been out at work all week. Maybe switch around one weekend and tell him to take the kids out whilst you do the house repairs 🤔

We do a weekend ‘wish list’ with a square for each of us (including the kids). Then we work out the best way to accomplish as many as we can over the time. This includes things like ‘go for a run’ but also these niggly jobs too. It helps me to have a little more sympathy and to make sure the jobs happen at the most convenient times and to try and make it a little fairer. I definitely used to have a habit for being more passive and complaining later while my husband just took the opportunity to get on with things first.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers….

I have kids not too dissimilar in age and it’s a no from me especially as he is absent in the week. He “needs” the weekend to be with the kids it’s more important than mowing the lawn / resanding the drive.
He cant avoid being a Father indefinitely…

send him out with them and you do the big jobs…

id also highlight many jobs can be broken down into smaller tasks and done at convenient times…like NAP TIME - this is when I insist y husband does his “important” pointless low priority jobs

It was similar here when our kids were young! I wouldn't take them out as much (as there's not much to do round here!) but I would be looking after them for most of the weekend whilst he took his time over garden jobs etc.. I don't know if it was deliberate or if he didn't realise how wearing it was, as he worked FT and I didn't, so I did most of the childcare in the week too. I would batch cook at weekends such at least bought me a few hours alone in the kitchen in exchange for all his DIY and garden time.

Wouldn’t work. He’s just avoiding being a parent.

Do you think the jobs he is doing are needed?
Because that's what it comes down to I think, prioritising time when it's limited.
I've had this issue with my husband even before we had kids, as we had set cleaning days were I was cleaning the whole house whilst he was... trimming the bushes or organising the tool shed.
In the end we agreed that we would talk about what needs doing and agree where to prioritise together.

You need to set expectations with the kids as well, because my husband would never 'disappear' at bed times or other key moments of the day. Generally, we would all go out together and if there is something that needs doing it will be whilst we're home (and the other would keep them upstairs or in the living room).
Our eldest is 3, and this all came after a lot of talking and a few low level arguments where we both expressed our needs.

My DH is like this BUT he will take 1 or both kids with him when he does jobs. Today he fixed the cat flap with both kids while I went cycling 🙈 the kids love to get involved with whatever projects or jobs he is doing.

I think when you have preschool kids a solo food shop is bliss personally!

I wouldn’t really say doing jobs in the garden is time to yourself. It’s a bit like saying that a mum going to the supermarket to do the weekly shop alone is time to herself.

I think 3-4 hours is a reasonable amount of time to yourself, but you both need to have it. And if you do more of the parenting during the week, then your Dh should be making up for time lost by spending more time doing fun things with the kids on the weekend. You don’t get this time back and he shouldn’t miss out because you are swooping in to do everything.

My guess is he’s not yet twigged that caring for these young children is 50% his responsibility over weekends. I suggest you leave him to care for/entertain both kids for exactly half the weekend.

Go and get him out of the garage and TELL HIM you’re doing bedtime together.. no options here. Just tell him. TELL HIM you’re spending time together as a family at the weekend, even if it is gardening..6 hours at the local farm on your own is crazy. Just frickin tell him what he seems to not understand. What’s the matter with these men ?
Then sit down with the calendar and book in your solo time….shopping , gym, friends, whatever floats your boat.

True

YANBU, I have kids almost identical ages to yours and started a very similar thread recently.

This is exactly what I had when my kids were a similar age. The thing is the kids loved digging in the garden but he said they got in the way. He does much more with them now and has admitted that he didn’t do enough when they were little. I think a big part was that he just didn’t know what to do with people that age so instead of learning he did Important Man Jobs to make himself feel better. Having been there, my advice is write down what you want to say to him before saying it so that you can say what needs to be said calmly rather than descending into a row.

Hes a family/kids skiver

He’s definitely ‘creating’ thes garden jobs. My DH (and me) does have certain jobs to do over some weekends, clearing out the garage, going to the tip, maybe cleaning his car etc.

Guess what? He takes the 4yr with him a lot. Yes the job will take 30-50% longer but it’s quality time and little children actually like things like this.

Not so urgent it can’t wait half an hour until the DC are in bed!

My DH and I used to get one hour each to ourselves on each weekend day. We’d also book the crèche at our gym for two hours on one of the weekend days mostly to have a break from the DC and to do something together.

My garden has bastarding ivy and brambles that stage a spring coup at temp every year. Some neighbour loves to let their little dog shit all over my front garden all week so I am picking up a weeks worth of dog shit. Then there are all the other weeds coming up, lots of shrubs get pruned in the spring, this is the time to feed other plants like roses and take steps to prevent mold diseases. Oh, and the grass is growing like mad so any weekend remotely dry I have to mow. On top, I have seeds and seedlings that need to be monitored and frost protection taken off every morning and put back on every evening….

This is all a hobby though, isn’t it? Beyond picking up the dog poo, cutting the grass and ensuring the garden is safe from the brambles none of the other stuff is critical. It’s lovely to do, but if hobbies take up the whole weekend at the expense of your DP never getting time to do their things, it’s not really fair is it.

The rest of the time I often have one child and he has the other which seems fair except I always get the little one who is harder just because of her age.

Maybe it’s just a preference thing but I’m not sure why you’d do it like this with the ages you have. I can understand it when one is a tiny baby, but not at your ages. Surely it just means you’ve both had harder days than if one of you had both, and the other got some time?

I took my two out yesterday for 7 hours for an adventure on the train, DH did some house jobs but realistically also had time to himself. I’m heavily pregnant so I had a bath by myself once I got home and DH took over playtime. That makes a lot more sense in my head - he’s a lot fresher today than I am but it means we can balance things, one each would just mean we’re both tired.

That said, he does also let the 3 year old help with jobs - he loves to cook and garden.

What? Fixing the garage door is urgent unless you want squirrels moving in or cats literally pissing about.

This was me when my DC were that age. DH would start endless DIY projects (our house was a doer upper but i would have lived with things for longer and had an engaged parent at weekends)
Our kids are teens now and he's changed the narrative that we did lots of things together when they were little!!
Sorry no answers just sympathy

It depends on the garden surely? I have been working away in mine every weekend and it’s not time to myself or the equivalent of a city break ffs.

My garden has bastarding ivy and brambles that stage a spring coup attempt every year. Some neighbour loves to let their little dog shit all over my front garden all week so I am picking up a weeks worth of dog shit. Then there are all the other weeds coming up, lots of shrubs get pruned in the spring, this is the time to feed other plants like roses and take steps to prevent mold diseases. Oh, and the grass is growing like mad so any weekend remotely dry I have to mow. On top, I have seeds and seedlings that need to be monitored and frost protection taken off every morning and put back on every evening….

I mean, if you’re sick of the DC you could volunteer to swap places and you do garden while he entertains DC?