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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Violent ex partner in new relationship

93 replies

Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 14:34

My friend told me to stay out of this, but I'm not so sure.

I was with my ex for 6 years, the abuse started around 6/7 months in gaslighting and extreme jealousy. Things got physical later on, although not once did I call the police. He once punched me so hard in my face my tooth went through my lip, I have a scar, again no police called
I finally left in September last year.
He was seeing our son supervised with his mum from September until earlier this month.
I knew he got into a new relationship in October, but I recently found out she has children, 3 in total.
He's been pretty much living there since they have been together and has told me all the violence was my fault, however when I first met him he did disclose his ex was accusing him of hitting her, I believed him of course.
My issue is I know what he is like she's known him for no time, my therapist told me I should tell her about his violence, I told my friend and she said to keep out of it and it might look like I'm bitter, which I am not.
But should I tell her or just call SS?
He once threatened me with a knife, and I had the police called in August by neighbours which lead to me splitting up with him (no ss I lied to the police at the time)
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 20:06

@Bradley28 he's very charming, at times I couldn't believe that he wanted to be with ME. He's probably loved bombed her to the max.

I don't want to put myself in danger and this time round I certainly won't hesitate to call the police and tell the truth.

OP posts:
Reversetail · 23/03/2025 20:04

Tell her and social services.

Original poster
Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 20:02

@unsync he's certainly a predator, he's very good looking and takes care of his appearance, with all due respect to her she's 36 with 3 children, so finding someone to take her and 3 kids on wouldn't be the easiest, he seems to have moved in already. His already told me he cheated on her, and she knows about it and she stayed with him. I think she's vulnerable.

Thank you, I've certainly been through enough, and I think I have forgotten alot of what he did, he blamed me for alot so I suppose I never really processed it all. I used to cover my bruises on my face with make up and hope my son's nursery wouldn't notice.
The time he punched me in the face, in June last year my face was so swollen I had to wear a face mask and pretend I had COVID so cover the swelling around my mouth.
No he's not, I've got therapy through a private service, I did select the 'abuse" category though and he was my best match (apparently)

I'll certainly do the nspcc, like I said he knows I'm receiving therapy so I can blame them.

He just wants to forget what happened in the last 6 years and pretend he's a good man, but it fills me with dread, it's just a matter of time before something happens.

OP posts:
Cucy · 23/03/2025 16:47

I would contact her anonymously and say you’re on old neighbour of yours and that you just want to let her know that the police were called out more than once because of violent behaviour.

She won’t believe you if it comes from you.
She probably won’t believe it anyway but at least your conscious will be clear.

unsync · 23/03/2025 16:30

He's a predator. They can pick out the women who are susceptible. There is little point contacting her directly as it puts you at risk, and he will just say that you are jealous and/or mad. It's what they do. This is a pattern that will keep repeating. I've been there myself unfortunately.

If you feel you must do something to safeguard her children, report to SS or NSPCC as the PP said.

Well done for making the break yourself and for having counselling. It's a hard thing to cope with. Are they a DA specialist though? The suggestion that you contact the new woman is a bit odd.

Bradley28 · 23/03/2025 16:27

My ex was horribly abusive and violent, after we broke up (and lots of police involvement), he got into another relationship & she had very young children. I randomly ran into her and couldn’t stop myself from telling her how dangerous he is. I knew she wouldn’t believe me as he is very charming. But, I’d never have been able to forgive myself if something happened. Every situation is different though, and you need to consider if saying anything places yourself or your child in danger.

OlympicProcrastinator · 23/03/2025 16:21

Maitri108 · 23/03/2025 15:11

Don't contact her as she may tell him and you'd be at risk. I would contact the police and social services.

You've picked up on a really good point in that we need a change of law. Abusers should go on a register like sex offenders.

There is a record actually. The police can decide to disclose to a new partner if they believe he is a danger. If he ever gets another conviction for another offence of a similar nature, any current partner will be the subject of a multi agency risk assessment conference (MARAC) and their children will be discussed with Children’s Services and all previous involvement with them and any other police call outs against that property will be shared. If the risk is deemed great enough a disclosure will be made or if children’s services feel they need to open a case they will.

This all goes on without the knowledge of partners but there is protection there, albeit not foolproof especially if there are no previous convictions or call outs.

PassingStranger · 23/03/2025 16:16

Leave alone. Be glad your shot of him. It could come back to bite you on the bum if you get involved.

New partners won't listen to an ex anyway.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 23/03/2025 16:11

@Lucaandmum

I would call the police and tell them about the time the police were called out to your place by the neighbours and tell them you were too scared to admit to what had happened, but that did but tell them briefly what happened and what other things have happened this new relationship with three children and that you are worried about them.

If they don't seem to want to do much or whatever then call social services

But do not get in touch with either her or him!!

2025willbemytime · 23/03/2025 16:05

Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 14:45

@2025willbemytime should I call SS - or let my therapist do it?

I doubt your therapist could. I'd speak to the police myself.

Shegotanology · 23/03/2025 16:02

Do you know her name? You could look her up on social media.

Original poster
Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 15:59

@Shegotanology I'm not sure, he certainly won't tell me.
I've not met her, he won't allow me to, for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 23/03/2025 15:55

Do you know her name or address?

I don't know how it works with Clare's Law, but with Sarah's Law, you can do an enquiry on behalf of someone else and they will be told if there is anything to be told.

L

Shegotanology · 23/03/2025 15:47

Is her children's father in their lives? If so, maybe you could warn him if you don't want to say anything to her. I'm sure he'd like to be made aware that his children will be around an abuser.

Original poster
Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 15:45

@MsNevermore yes, he's already made me out to be crazy, the smear campaign started long ago, she sees me as a problem.

The only record is when the police attended back in August, he didn't hit me this time but the police put in the report that he was showing "unhealthy behaviours" which is classed as DV.
I just don't want anything to come back on me, and surprised this women would have a man around 3 young children so soon, some people's standards are really low.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 15:43

@cestlavielife I feel so stupid for lying, the day the police were called was because he had turned up drunk, assuming me of cheating on him, broke my phone and smashed my pc monitor, frightened the life out of me and my child.
My neighbours called the police but by the time they did he had calmed down and my son was asleep and I lied that anything had happened and lied about the DASH, but I honestly was scared he would do something. That was the last time he was in my home, we spilt that same day.

I have pictures, and a copy of the police report which doesn't look good for him + he's previous violence with strangers.
I wish I didn't lie, he's not remorseal at all, blames me for everything and told me to "go and be happy"

OP posts:
MoosakaWithFries · 23/03/2025 15:40

You can contact police and request a Clare's Law for the new partner. That way it's up to her to decide if she wants the information.

You would remain anonymous.

MsNevermore · 23/03/2025 15:35

This is a really hard one OP.

I totally understand you feeling the need to protect this woman and her kids.

But I’ll also say that I’ve been in the position of your ex’s new gf……and I’d been fed the “psycho ex” story by him. His ex tried multiple times to get in contact with me, to tell me about the kind of man I was dealing with, and I wasn’t receptive to any of her attempts. I’d be so sucked in by his love bombing and stories of her (supposed) crazy behaviour, anything she tried to tell me I just viewed as her trying to sabotage my relationship because she was jealous that he was in a new relationship 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Unfortunately I learned the hard way. We had an arguement and spent some time apart. Turns out she’d contacted him during that time to discuss something regarding their son, and that flipped his switch. I woke up the next morning to more messages from her, including pictures of her face battered and bruised 😔
If there is police records of his history of domestic violence, I’d send an anonymous message advising her to do a Clare’s law request with the police. Keeps you distant from it and gives her the opportunity to find out the information she needs to know.

Maitri108 · 23/03/2025 15:32

Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 15:24

@susiedaisy1912 I know what your saying, but I suppose this is just for me.

I'm going to do the nspcc referral, or I might just call SS for advice (anonymously)

Make sure you tell the NSPCC you want to remain anonymous.

cestlavielife · 23/03/2025 15:32

Report all the incidents and dates did you seek medical attention? Any record at all?
Get it on his police record if you can.

Sadly lying to police does not help you or future women and children but of course you might have been scared to report. Maybe it is not too late ask police dv unit.

If there is anything on his police record all you can do is urge a Clare law.

BillyBoe46 · 23/03/2025 15:30

I wouldn't do it. I'd ask the therapist to do it. They it's nothing to do with you. She has a duty of care. I'd be worried he might hurt you for doing it.

TooLate82 · 23/03/2025 15:26

Report anonymously through nspcc and don’t contact her at all.

Original poster
Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 15:24

@susiedaisy1912 I know what your saying, but I suppose this is just for me.

I'm going to do the nspcc referral, or I might just call SS for advice (anonymously)

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 23/03/2025 15:23

Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 14:45

@2025willbemytime should I call SS - or let my therapist do it?

Absolutely call ss but do not contact new girlfriend in anyway at all .

susiedaisy1912 · 23/03/2025 15:13

Lucaandmum · 23/03/2025 15:03

@susiedaisy1912 but if he can hit me in front of his own child and cause him emotional harm, then what is he capable of in front of somebody elses children, isn't he still a risk?!

Yes he may hit her in front of her kids but if she’s a strong person she will finish things with him immediately and if she’s not and stays with him despite the DV then your early warning will do no good at all. my exh was abusive I divorced him after many years and had to get a restraining order against him, he found someone new within four months of separating and had moved in with her very soon after, she knew both of us previously and knew all about his reputation, she also had a small child but went on to marry him and now has the same problems I did. 🤷‍♀️ you cant help some people.