To think this was just a bit shit

Soppy messages make some people quite uncomfortable - I know I probably fall into that category. I just always end up feeling a bit embarrassed and like I don't know what to say.

I've also known so many people who are good with words but never follow through with actions - so I think messages like that can feel a bit performative too.

I know it's a bit stereotypical but men don't generally do "sloppy" language and gestures. They usually show their love and appreciation in a practical way. I mean, this very difference in the sexes has been the subject of many a film and book since time immemorial!

This.

Mine isn’t one for that stuff either. But I know he loves me by the lots and lots of loving things he does not says.

You just have to accept that.

My ex was very complimentary and romantic And he was an arsehole.

He did respond.

Uncharacteristically soppy message would be enough for many people who aren't soppy to end the conversation at that point. He acknowledged your message he just didn't reply the way YOU want him to. He's not had a personality transplant. He's told you he sees a long term relationship, after only a year of dating. What more do you want? If you want something specific from him to make you feel secure, tell him what that is and accept that he may not want to do it.

Yes, I agree with this. It is OK to be someone who needs words of reassurance as well as actions - that doesn’t make you immature or a difficult partner necessarily. It’s also OK for him to not be a words kind of guy.

The question then becomes whether this is something you can live with. My partner and I have had to meet each other half way on this issue. It can be done.

I would tell him how the ‘ditto’ heart made you feel, calmly, not framing it as him having got something ‘wrong’. I don’t think whether any of us think you’re (un)reasonable is important here. The important thing is finding out whether you can compromise with each other. Life is going to feel pretty long if you feel starved of the kind of communication you need to be happy. And it’s going to feel pretty long for him if he constantly feels he’s not articulate enough to make you happy.

A bit needy from you, OP.

He's a bloke. They're often a bit shit with phones and feelings.

He's showing all of the signs of serious commitment. I don't know why that's not good enough for you.

Seems like a you problem, though.

If he's not one for compliments he probably just didn't know what to say, so thought a heart would cover it. Or maybe he 'hearted' it to show that he loved it, or agrees with what you said. The not responding for hours isn't related to your message, that's clearly just his way, as you said.

By the way, if you've watched "adolescence" on Netflix, the male detective says at one point that he sends a heart to his wife when he doesnt know what to say! Maybe it's a man thing and you're probably over thinking it.

and how would you feel if vice versa?

I think it’s a bit shit, and similar to my DH. I honestly think if he never saw me again he’d be fine about it, other than the logistical/financial implications. Is your DP just going through the motions of “settling down?” If so, life is too short for that shit so don’t settle for someone who makes you question their feelings.

Tbf I can see why it would be nice for you to have that reassurance

but you will get your ass kicked on here for various reasons

try to accept the guy is serious about you but just isn’t into huge declarations

I do think it a bit odd you’s haven’t said I love you but it’s not the end of the world and there’s no laws saying it must be said!

I’ve been with my DH 20+ yrs , we never “ declared “ our undying love for each other in words so to speak, apart from the standard “ I love you”
Words to me means nothing, if he shows his love through behaviour I’m perfectly happy . I wouldn’t know how to respond to a soppy message, a 👍 or a ❤️will be my best

Sorry I just had to laugh. A bustard is a bird of prey. 😂😂

I've just seen that you've not said it either.

Surely you're being a bit of a hypocrite?

Yes, this is a love language thing. I’m not overly romantic and not one for romantic notes etc but I have (or rather, had) other ways to show affection. I admit I would hate to feel I had to reciprocate in kind if it wasn’t my thing.

Maybe his mate turned up, maybe he had a nap, maybe he couldn't be arsed with thinking you wanted to rehash the previous conversation. I'd personally find you hard work. Either enjoy the relationship for where it's at now, or end it if it's not to your taste.

My DH is soppy as anything and we've been together forever.

He very often just replies to things with a heart.

To me a heart means "this is a lovely message, I don't have a reply but I want you to know it made me warm and happy"

IMO that can be appropriate response to a friend sending a puppy picture or to a lover sending a heartful message. The former does not devalue the latter. The "romantic love level" of a heart reaction is set by the message it reacts to, if you see what I mean - it reflects the sentiment with which a message was sent back to the sender :)

Have you ever told him you love him?

Well, I would consider a heart emoji a lovey-dovey reply to my lovey-dovey text, though I get what you're saying; it is also a pretty standard and basic reply.

But it sounds like the bottom line here is that you're not sure if he's really super into you vs. more just finding you a convenient option to settle down with at this stage of his life.

However, I don't know if him making vows of love to you would change that or not, though. After all, some guy saying all the lovey-dovey stuff doesn't mean much either, does it? In other words, talk is cheap anyway. I mean, some people start blabbing on about love on the third date. And of course some people just don't care for the lovey-dovey talk. That's how I am. I find it kind of cringey and embarrassing to hear or to say, even if it is how I feel.

I think you said he's never had a serious partner. If he's in his late thirties, I'd find that to be another cause for possible concern.

This may be way off but his not getting it that you're expected to tell the woman you love that you love her, and his not having had a serious relationship at his age, put together, makes me wonder if he's mildly on the autism spectrum.

You could start by reading up on it online, if you think it might fit. And/or consider pre-marital counseling to help you sort this out. It could also be your own insecurity that's the real issue here, after all.

But I completely get wanting to be sure that you're not just an interchangeable function-filler for this guy, before getting your life more entangled with his. Good luck with it.

Complete overthinking, and very needy and insecure on your part. If the posts came from an 18 yr old on her first rodeo I'd understand.

You should always follow your instinct. If you don't like his communication and need him to do better (he won't) then it's time to think about how much investment you will put into this relationship.

He sounds like a great chap to me. But it doesn't come across that way from your perspective. I think the more needy you become, the less available he will be.

Relax and enjoy your partnership. It's very early days though, and your expectations are huge for such a short time together.

Yes but presumably you’d already said I love you!!!

this op hasn’t even said I love you but she is wanting declarations of growing old together

Me and DH said it to each other when we had known each other 2 months. 3 months later we got married. Celebrate our 45th wedding anniversary this year and are still happy and in love

Off the back of that conversation, I said something quite romantic to him via text about getting old together.

I can’t deal with this sort of soppy talk.
I wouldn’t have said anything soppy back either.

Words are irrelevant.
He could tell you how much he loves you every day but it doesn’t mean he would mean it or show it.

Actions speak louder than words and he’s showing you he sees a future with you by his actions, instead of just spouting nonsense and telling you what you want to hear.

However, that is him and this is you.
It’s very difficult for either of you to be something you’re not and so I’d be deciding whether you want a lifetime of this because it won’t get any better.