To think this was just a bit shit

I don't have to "let others cock up and ruin their lives whilst we look on them benignly and understandingly" - it's their business, not mine. Other people's lifestyle choices don't personally affect me, any more than they do you, and you tilting at windmills on MN makes no difference at all.

It's not shit at all op. Gushy, lovey dovey stuff isn't for everyone. You have to accept that. You sound insecure, it's probably worth exploring that a bit. If you are honest with yourself is your need for you dh to shower you with love and reassurance because you have doubts over what he feels for you or is it linked to some sort of previous rejection? I think it makes a difference.

It would also be sensible to remind yourself of all the poor women on here who get love bombed and then once they are trapped with kids realise their dh is abusive. People who bang on about their emotions and commitment don't always measure up and I tend to measure people by their actions rather than what they say.

Why would you marry someone you hadn't had sex with? And major ick at undiseased sex 🤢

I recognise the tune - 'I am engagement/marriage/children', but there are other ways for others, meaning 'let others cock up and ruin their lives whilst we look on them benignly and understandingly'. Same people who say 'university is not for everyone' about other people's kids, yet would die themselves if their darlings don't get accepted to the uni of their first choice. I know far too many, 'not narrow-minded people' to trust them.

True but I’ve had many lovely declarations of love in my life but unfortunately they weren’t backed up by actions. To have both is lovely but I personally don’t needs words if actions show me. I no doubt have been affected by my life’s relationship disappointments.

I think some people are just like that. I know someone who has been with his partner for probably 10 years now, is a committed husband and father, but he’s just not particularly good at showing affection or emotions. She’s actually had to ask him to say I love you, I think after 10 months together even.

It wouldn’t work for me because I need/enjoy the reassurance, but there’s no questioning he’s a good partner to her.

I don’t have an ounce of romance in my bones.
When my now DH told me he’d fallen in love, I asked him ‘who with’?

It’s really not relevant, OP, as far as I can see.
Also: I don’t think you’re incompatible. Neither do I think you were a bit manipulative or whatever a PP said.
Do I think it’s a bit shit? Maybe a tiny bit, in context — but my DH (who is brilliant in many ways) is completely like this. I have learned (mostly!) to accept he has his faults; I have mine… He’s never going to be one for flowery language and big declarations (I’m not saying that’s what you expect) but he does show his love in lots of other ways… It sounds to me as though your DP is similar. If you think you can put up with him being a ‘bit shit’ occasionally, then he sounds like a keeper to me. If you can’t though, then you’re probably not right for each other…

What is exactly 'grown up' about emotionally redundant behaviour.

that's an unhelpful and rude comment.

Grow up and stop being so utterly clingy.

I've been married over 30 years, and the only time DH ever tells me he loves me is when we're apart (on the phone or by text). He just feels uncomfortable saying it. But he shows me that he loves me - I think he expects me to just accept the fact without needing to be told. He comes from a family of undemonstrative men. Maybe your DH is the same?

I've been married for 42 years so I am definitely a "traditional" engagement/marriage/children sort of person, but I'm not a narrow-minded dinosaur who thinks that everyone should dance to the beat of my drum or that time should stand still. You're being completely unrealistic and whilst you don't have to agree with other people's lifestyle choices, being judgemental about them doesn't reflect well on you.

I thought YWBU until I read that neither of you have ever even said you love each other. That feels really odd, especially since you do and want to say it and want to hear it. I think you need to have a conversation because I don’t think you can even think about a baby with someone when you don’t feel secure enough in the relationship to say I love you.

You said you've been working out finances to see if living together makes sense. I'm sorry but I think that says a lot. It's not about being the romantic soppy type, but if neither one of you is committed to sharing a home, trying for a baby makes no sense.

There's a To Do list here, imo; do with it as you please.

1. First and foremost; tell him you love him. Explain that voicing this is so important to you that you have been too afraid to do it. Ask him how he feels.
2. How often would you like the two of you to verbalise I love you? Or to explain the things you love about each other? Maybe he can do it, maybe he can't. You'll never know till you ask!
3. Don't fall for the psychic love fallacy. If you want something ASK, if you are curious about something ASK, if you need him to do things differently, ASK. You're not needy, and you're not moaning if you ask cheerfully with positive assumptions and an open mind as his answer. He won't tell you his secrets without being asked. He's no more of a mind reader than you are. You don't know how he feels? He could easily say the same.

If the don't speak the same love language and OP needs verbal assurances, then they aren't suited for each other. OP will always feel unsure and become resentful. Her DP will feel he can't please her. They would need to be genuinely committed to change on both sides to continue.

Oh, dear, indeed. The world has gone mad - black is white now and white is black, good is evil and evil is good - traditional values laughed at, berated and declared 'inappropriate' - and then the society has the audacity to ask 'why has everything gone to shit' - here is your answer - because to you traditional values are inappropriate and irrelevant. That is why.

Genuinely @Hwi is the oddest poster on mumsnet

HQ seem to have a soft spot

Oh dear @Hwi - we can always rely on you for an entirely inappropriate and irrelevant post. 🙄

In your opinion, but to me, not. I need words as well as actions, they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Op - I think you need to start at the beginning. It’s a year and you are thinking of having a baby. And yet he hasn’t committed to you in any way, you are unmarried and don’t feel remotely loved.

This is in no way a good environment to bring a baby into the world. Op start stating your needs, expectations and boundaries. Unless he can start communicating his feelings and is ready to commit then leave. Don’t waste your life looking for smoke signals.

You deserve better op. He is calling all the shots isn’t he. Almost like you are being played or a place maker. Being a mother is a very vulnerable position, and it is best you are feeling totally secure.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't tell me they loved me or pay me compliments. As others have said actions are more important but it's also nice to have a partner who says nice things and tells you you are looking good or that you make them happy or whatever.

It's ok to want a partner who does that, despite what some on here will tell you. Dh compliments me a lot - always has. He also shows me that he loves me in different ways. I've always felt very confident in his love for me and I try to reciprocate it so he knows I love him too.

Maybe think carefully about whether he is "the one"?

I wouldn’t read too much into a lack of words if he’s clearly taking actions to show you he’s committed, reliable and thinking long term.

People show their love and commitment in different ways. Maybe expressing that through words is more important to you than it is to him.

It’s not personally important to me and I think I’m like your DP. I’ve never said anything to that affect about ‘forever / growing old’ etc to my partner as to me spending time together is my way of showing my love. And we didn’t really say I love you for a long while, even though it was always assumed. It really didn’t bother me.

If you want more reassurance through words though then I’d just explain this to him. I don’t see any of what you’ve said as a red flag though.

My DH does both though as do I, surely there is a balance? It isn't forced for us though, I wouldn't want insincere words of love.