To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

I do agree it’s difficult, some of my friends are single parents, but I’m not sure that I agree it’s up to the government to provide this help. There is already a good amount of support there, free hours now from 9 months to help with childcare costs, those on UC can have up to 85% of childcare paid, rolling out free breakfast clubs will help extend the available working hours of many parents, lots of jobs offer flexible working, you can receive housing benefit/UC child element to help keep you afloat etc.

What needs to change really is Child Maintenance. We need huge reform there, more powers, bigger teeth to go after those who don’t pay & more enforcement people on the ground to actually look into things and find out what is owed. One of my friend’s baby dad is on benefits and so only has to pay £7 per week according to CMS, yet we know full well he’s been to New York, Paris and Iceland so far this year, he’s driving around in a nearly brand new BMW, he’s eating out multiple times a week every week from his socials and I’m not talking KFC I’m talking steak houses and posh restaurants, wearing a £500 gold necklace… I could go on. He’s working cash in hand, he knows it, it’s obvious, we all know it, she’d told CMS, who have basically said… tough 🙃 they go by what is reported via HMRC, and they simply don’t have the man power or the legal power to go after these people. That’s what would make the biggest difference to single parents, make sure that NOT paying for your kids isn’t an option.

I had four children before my long term partner decided to have an affair and leave us pretty much out of the blue. Youngest was 2yo.

I’ve had to do pretty much everything since then by myself, with support from my family. I definitely lost my earning potential as had to take a job around the children. Children’s dad has always paid erratically and last year paid nothing (youngest is now 15) and hasn’t seen any of them for about 6 months not even at Christmas.

The support I needed was cheaper childcare and a housekeeper! Someone who could have been home to cook a meal each evening would have been perfect especially when I didn’t finish work til after 6pm.

Are you a man?

Men usually wait until they’ve trapped you in a marriage with children before showing their true selves, ie useless and abusive.

Some mums are single due to bereavement. Is this their fault also?

Well, I did try that but then the bastard went and died on me.

Who is the royal ‘we’. Sure, no body is stopping your from supporting your single mum friends. What’s with the vritue signalling, have you actually done anything to help or you just coming on here to lecture others.

In any case, ‘we’ don’t need to do more. The feckless dads can do more. And the single mothers who have multiple kids with these multiple feckless wasters can also do more. By managing their reproductive choices better. Let’s start there.

WTAF

WFH roles are harder to get, most only let you WFH after a period of time. Yet at the same time, childcare is being reduced due to the amount of people WFH.

That is ridiculous, because if you are WFH you cannot be caring for your children at the same time. Perhaps as a one off in an emergency but not as a daily thing.

This is true but MN never admits to women taking responsibility. It's either one or the other, it can't just be both.

There’s a lot of truth in that some - far too many - women make shit choices with the father of their child. You only have to read MN for a few weeks to see an endless litany of women with low self esteem and low aspirations who can’t see their partner is a selfish or abusive or simply a crappy person.

I think society should educate women better and stop the romantic claptrap that so many men benefit from without doing a single thing beyond the occasional “love you to bits, babe”.

Women walk into disastrous relationships with their eyes shut far too often.

and other women do have bad luck, good men who die for example. But after a long life, it seems to me that women are very much more often the victims of their own wishful thinking.

This is disingenuous. You know it's not the same.

Yes of course. I don't know how I didn't spot that my ex was a malignant narcissistic twat when I first met him at 28 with little experience of men. Silly me!

Must be nice to live in your perfect world where everything goes to plan

It isn't 100% effective.

What do you think of the men that don't use contraception or have multiple children with different mothers?

That comment is called mysogeny

people make mistakes because that’s called being human. You often get together with the man who turns out to be bad when you are young and inexperienced and overrun with chemical hormones. The men are also making mistakes thinking they are capable of being a father. But blame the female.

Those fathers are really just another example of feckless men thinking it’s everybody else’s job to support their children: they could have avoided leaving their partner and children struggling by having life insurance.

I think more affordable and accessible childcare is absolutely key to improving the lives of parents, single and in couples. Women can then work full time rather than rely on handouts whilst using lack of childcare as an excuse, and increase their long term financial capabilities as well as their immediate ones.

Quite a lot of things change once women have kids. Decent men can turn into abusive selfish bastards pretty quickly. I know someone this happened to. Yes it is frustrating women do have babies with men who are dickheads, but accidents happen even on contraception as it is not 100% effective. I don't think we should live in an age where people are trapped in relationships they don't want. It's really bad for the kids. It should be affordable to live separately or as a single person and it isn't.

It really pisses me off when single mothers are blamed for everything when they do all of the work because a man bailed out under the stress of it. Why doesn't anyone ask when the men are knocking women up when they are not committed to the consequences?

Maintenance is disregarded when calculating UC which is good but needs to be more. Maintenance needs to be enforced and it should also count towards the AET for single parents on UC to reduce pressure on them

The single parents I know have too many children to multiple fathers. They all seem to be doing ok and hardly any even work. Most of my friends in couples are both working all hours and it’s tough for them too. Women need to make better choices. Contraception would be a start.

And those who partner died, should they have chosen better too?

I’m a lone parent but I always focussed on career and financial independence and this is what we need to teach our daughters. I wish there was more support for single/lone mums I really do. Such a stigma.

I think women have children with men they believe are good and decent people. Things change, relationships change and it isn't always because one person has done something bad that causes a relationship to end. Women become single mothers for hundreds of reasons. Sometimes they are at fault, sometimes they aren't.

You said it "starts with good choices" the women make. I'd imagine thousands of women make good choices but situations change.

Every single mother I know was married to the father of the child before the children came along. Off the top of my head I can think of 20 single mothers. All in private school so that’s what they’re using the child support for even if they’re on universal credits themselves. Some of them were lucky enough to be awarded a nice chunk of equity to buy a small crappy house out right.

It’s their earning power that’s scuppered.
I realised very early on post of divorce. I was really gonna have to open my game in terms of my career. Whilst simultaneously having zero child support in terms of the actual heavy lifting of taking care of the child.
He has had every other weekend for over 10 years and never deviated except when he’s needed to cancel his weekend to go and do something else but never offered to make up the weekend he just loses it.

And apparently that makes him very sad, it makes me apoplectic with rage.

Mainly because we’re only just making ends meat having him feed the child every other weekend. A holiday for him blows my budget.