To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

Who said you didn't?

I think it's a reasonable observation.
WFH gives people more flexibility and when children reach a certain age they can entertain themselves or get on with homework while a parent is in the house but not actively looking after them. This reduces the need for breakfast and after school clubs. This was certainly my experience when my son reached late Primary. I'd walk up to the school to collect him (timing a break for that time) and he'd be quite happy to have a couple of hours to himself while I worked. I could not do this when I was in the office.

They do mean single mothers who are bereaved. They do mean people who are genuinely disabled, they do mean young women who are single parents due to horrific abuse because there is no room for nuance in the kind of short-sighted, black-and-white thinking that believes women choose to be single parents because they can't be arsed to use birth control.

I actually think those who insist on bringing up widowed parents, divorced parents, parents who escaped abuse and grouping them in with feckless parents (who may also be divorced widowed, etc) who are deadbeats or willingly procreate with idiots, simply want the latter group to hide behind the former in order to convince people that the latter don't exist nor should they be called out. That's what's disingenuous.

I think one of the most effective ways to help single mothers would be to make fathers responsible for half the cost of childcare regardless of the relationship status.
Both parents should have equal access to the workplace whoever the dc lives with.
And where fathers won’t or don’t pay child support there should be huge sanctions.
Men need to know that they cannot walk away from financial responsibility for their dc. And if they have more dc tough, they can’t penalise the first family.

I laugh out loud at the 'you have to take responsibility' brigade. I brought my children up single-handedly, no financial support from the ex. They were in school every day on time in clean clothes. They did clubs, had friends over for tea, had regular haircuts...Later passed exams, went to uni/did an apprenticeship, worked from 16. I worked full time, had side hustles, worked hard. I mean, at what point do you think I didn't take responsibility?

Single mum here. But I will admit I left the marriage, he wasn’t a deadbeat at all really, though he had his faults (don’t we all) but I ultimately fell out of love. So obviously not a one size fits all situation.

I spent 7months looking for a rental…I was very lucky to find the house I have. It’s 5 mins from the family home. We do 50:50, he’s a great dad and I would never take them away from him like that.

I wfh 2-3 days a week (the days I have my dc) so I can drop and collect them easily. I have flexi time at work which allows me to do this and wfh or go on site. My manager doesn’t mind as long as the work is done.

i have very supportive parents and their dad does his part (mostly)
basically…if I didn’t have this set up/options then I wouldn’t be able to do it.

I think this view is specific to where you live or your experience, as this is not the average single parent set up.
Most single parents have children from the same man.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable tbh. I’m a single parent but Exdh does his share ( as he should) don’t get maintenance but it frees me up to work full time albeit I do flexible hours.

I find those types of opinions disingenuous and short-sighted tbh. It is the same on the benefits threads. Posters whose empathy bone is missing rant and rave about taking responsibility for yourself, not expecting others to pay for you, etc, and when someone comes along and points out that they'd love to work but live with debilitating pain every day they're met with a chorus of "We don't mean people like you," except they do. They do mean single mothers who are bereaved. They do mean people who are genuinely disabled, they do mean young women who are single parents due to horrific abuse because there is no room for nuance in the kind of short-sighted, black-and-white thinking that believes women choose to be single parents because they can't be arsed to use birth control.

I agree. The term 'single mother' has been used as a catch-all for quite different circumstances when they're not the same. It's comes with both advantages and disadvantages though.

In France you get housekeepers who work after school, meet kids,grab snacks , then clean and make dinner. I’d of loved one of those too.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable tbh. I’m a single parent but Exdh does his share ( as he should) don’t get maintenance but it frees me up to work full time albeit I do flexible hours.

I do think some women feel the biological clock ticking and get pregnant very quickly. That said I think we should really be encouraging our girls ( and boys) to have strong boundaries and lots of self respect from a young age to help them watch out for red flags.

My daughters are in primary school (10) and there has already been sexually explicit insults and derogatory comments. You’ve really got to have a lot of self esteem to get through and come it as a strong young woman.

I think it’s also just worth stating that you aren’t a ‘single mother’ (or parent) if the other parent is involved. I find that deeply offensive to those who really are doing it alone. If you share custody/ the father is involved financially and with their time then you’re NOT a single mother, you’re a co-parent.

There doesn't seem to be any repercussions for non payment at the moment.

It's unfortunate and there should be. Feckless dads are often left to live their lives in peace while the mums bear most of the burden.

The child support payment system in the US seems a lot more unforgiving of fathers who won't/can't take care of their kids financially. They can even go to prison if they aren't paying child support as required. We should implement this system here for fathers (it's usually fathers though but yes mothers can also be required to pay child support to the dad depending on the family situation and who the main/resident parent is).

I know one single mother who's ex really is useless and doesn't pay anything towards the kids and she does struggle. He was useless when they were together before they had kids and just got worse.

The other single mums I know have it pretty good. Involved Dads who pay for their kids and have them 3 days a week which leaves the mums with some free time. One has even gone back to uni to retrain and her ex has the kids whilst she does placements etc and still pays maintenance. I realise this is probably unusual but I don't think all single Mums are helpless victims to horrible men.

With regards to support I think more should be done to make the other parent provide but other than that I'm not sure what other support could exist.

Who is “we”?

That hasn't been my experience of being a single Mum at all.

Children of both sexes should be taught about relationships, what is/isn't acceptable behaviour, responsibility and consequences, how to spot warning signs, and so on. The root of the problem needs to be tackled, but that will take generations to filter through.

Currently, the fathers need to be made to properly support their offspring, although how you get the feckless ones to do it, I don't know. There doesn't seem to be any repercussions for non payment at the moment. That needs to change. It comes down to education and responsibility doesn't it?

For those who are bereaved, maybe the current bereavement payment period should be extended? You currently get a lump sum and then a year and a half of monthly payments. Perhaps that should extend until the surviving parent's circumstances change or the child reaches 18.

This is exactly the issue & is why I would say CMS needs to be reformed, it needs more power, more visibility, they need to be more proactive in checking & assessing, and more powerful in terms of penalty & punishment for not paying

There are too many employers who are insisting on people being in an office full time, or more days in a week than achieves the benefits of being together in an office. Instead of dealing with the shirkers and those not up to the jobs for other reasons. Easier and less costly to have to arrange after school care for a limited number of days per week, I expect.

We also need to be ensuring that fathers pay their share, and those who do not or behave unreasonably have a meaningful sanction (I am not referring to criminal actions such as violence against women).

Can I ask OP, other than CMS, which is a joke, what system is it that you think is against you?

UC pay child element, housing benefit, up to 85% of childcare, if you aren’t entitled to UC you can still get free childcare hours from 9 months+, you can also use tax free childcare if eligible, free breakfast clubs will extend available working hours at participating schools which may then be rolled out further, I’m not sure what else you think it is that the government should be doing to step in?

As I say, CMS needs sorted, but other than that I don’t really think this is a “the government needs to fix this” issue

Men usually wait until they’ve trapped you in a marriage with children before showing their true selves, ie useless and abusive.

I don't think this is true for most men. Most men happily are themselves and show themselves to be feckless after the honeymoon phase (1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month) of the new relationship. Many women are happy to stay in a relationship with a feckless man just so they have a man. You can see posts upon posts on here with women complaining about their irresponsible boyfriends and partners when the simple answer is to leave the idiot. Yet they stay hoping and trying to change him. Some then go on to have kids and wonder why being a father didn't change him into a saint. Tale as old as time.

Some mums are single due to bereavement. Is this their fault also?

Another disingenous question. You know this is different.

I only know one dad who left his three children and he went on have another two with another woman. His contributions drastically reduced. He’s now left her and is with someone else and having another baby. My friend gets even less now, it’s mad how his desire to impregnate the world should leave his previous wives having to pick up the slack.

This.

i grew up in a lone parent family. I did not have kids until I could support them by myself. If dh left or dropped dead tomorrow I would be fine financially.

women need to realise giving up work and being financially reliant on men can backfire if he then leaves. As o/p points out, getting back into the workforce is not easy, and quite often it means a minimum wage or entry level job and working your way up again.

if you want to be ok as a single parent you need to keep your financial independence. Don’t give up work. Childcare is a short term cost but the long term benefits in earning power and pension far outweigh.

that would be my advice to my dd. Get yourself set up in a decent job and financially stable, then think about kids. Then do not stop working.

Unfortunately I can’t see it getting better. I’m not sure if it’s my age group or just my social circle, but all the fathers I know (apart from one) are loving, caring, supportive and don’t see childcare as women’s work. I have also noticed they seem to respect women in authority (I work in a very male dominated industry)

I am concerned with the rise of the incel culture encouraging women to be treated like second class citizens. How can we raise women to be self sufficient, confident, and capable? I honestly think some women would have been better off going to a sperm bank having read some of the posts on here. At least they know they’re going to be a single parent and can plan for it.