To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

The govt needs a rocket up it's arse for ALL aspects of the black economy, tax evasion, benefit fraud, and CMS avoidance. Successive governments have lost the plot and are too scared to start imposing new laws/rules about transparency of peoples' finances - they're too frightened of the media who'll, as usual, whip up all kinds of hysteria about lack of privacy etc. But when evasion, avoidance and fraud throughout the black economy, plus other low level crimes, is growing massively, hard decisions need to be made.

Ermmm.....every time there is a post about single parents, there are multiple posters who tell us we need to take responsibility for having had children with these men. Every time. Without fail. The point is, single parents take responsibility all day, every day. And we are vilified, called names, our children are assumed to be trouble, stupid, somehow lesser than the children whose parents stayed together. We are called 'greedy' if we dare ask for maintenance. If we earn well, we are called names for expecting maintenance from a lesser earning ex. If we earn well, people giggle about only fans or mention 'dealing' within our earshot. Or things like 'how can she afford that if we own a car or a house or something considered expensive.

We are expected to work full time, any complexity around availability of childcare, time it takes to travel, availability of transport, children being in different settings (childcare and school), lack of availability of space in breakfast and after school clubs ....just ignored, shoulders shrugged, like we have magic powers to just make it work. Our employers put us on observation when two children fall ill in quick succession and then pass it on to us. We're supposed to have family and friends who will just drop their responsibilities at a seconds notice to help us out. We're supposed to attend breakfast meetings, go the extra mile after working hours to get promoted and therefore lessen our dependency on the state all when childcare closes early and opens late again the next morning. Concessions, sympathy, empathy afforded together parents ignored when you're single.

We're assumed to be non-working, part-time working and on benefits. They look down their noses, make assumptions. Some people have no issue calling us benefit scum even when we don't claim anything. Our children are pitied when in childcare whilst we work. Comments about being the first to be dropped off and the last to be picked up not so innocently dropped within our ear shot.

I could go on. Do I need to?

The support should be from the father. We need to put more pressure on men to step up in these situations. Child maintenance is an absolute joke. If you can't have your child 50/50 then you should be forced to pay a realistic amount that includes childcare and housing.

I've said for a long time that companies should be incentivised (tax breaks etc.) to have on-site creches or their own/joint local creches where a literal on-site one is impractical, say down the street or within a mile etc, and childcare should be free for the staff.

It would also mean cutting down time driving to different places and cut out excuses when people pretend their child is ill.

I have a lot of sympathy but I think you are fighting the wrong battle. The problems are certainly more pressing for single parents but actually affect all families. Housing is a mess and is market driven and views properties as assets not homes, right to buy seemed a great concept but decimated the social housing stock. As a result the majority of rented accommodation is private and is seen as a source of profit. Childcare is privatised and priced commercially. Successive governments have allowed this to continue and in some cases incentivised it.
Add in to this the basic fact that it is women who get pregnant and have maternity leave and the problem grows.
To really put this right we need legislative change to supply at low/no cost childcare which is flexible enough to cover all working patterns. More legislative change to exponentially increase the amount of social housing stock. More legislative change to increase taxation enough to pay for all this. More legislative change to make NMW a level where no family unit working reasonably full time needs benefit top ups while employers can pay dividends to shareholders.
We need societal change to stop stigma towards single parents, people who live in council housing, to stop assumptions that the woman will be the default child care.
There are countries which have this kind of society, it is possible, but sadly I doubt it will happen here anytime soon.

And yes, I work. Very hard. And am fortunate to be in a job where I can work round my DC’s challenges.

Quite obviously the death of one parent is an exceptional circumstance which is not really the same I don't think.

Wow that is literally awful. Not only not providing for children properly but also huge tax dodging. Surely the gov needs to get a rocket up their arse about this?

I get what you're saying but actually I think the bigger issue is that people are having children in poor/insecure relationships.
I get that sometimes men can change but actually quite often the writing was on the wall long before children arrived and we'd be better off working on teaching girls/young women the warning signs of toxic relationships and encouraging them to be more selective about who they have children with. And teaching boys/young men how to be better partners and fathers, not to just walk away from their families, and to take some responsibility for rearing and supporting their children.
I'd rather we focused on earlier prevention of family breakdown, than just accepting that loads of kids will end up raised by single mums because we know the outcomes are often poorer for children.

My DH died when our kids were 5 and 7 having been ill for 3.5 years with cancer. He was an excellent father. I’d chosen a life partner really well. I also didn’t expect my eldest to have additional needs. We’re managing financially but I am emotionally wrecked and physically exhausted.

Unfortunately accessing accounts is not straightforward - they have to go to each bank with a separate order and therefore relied on me to provide information on banks as he was not compelled to do so. CMS have very few powers. He could have had secret accounts and neither myself or CMS would know anything about it. The children told me he had bundles of cash on him - never used a bank card. He also bought various assets with cash as a way to hide wealth. Not uncommon, I understand.

What a twat of a stereotypical opinion that is.

Single mothers are doing a million times better than some of the stupid women on here staying in vile relationships.

I was a single mum to one child and nobody ever helped me. In fact it was always ‘You can cope and look after yourself so don’t need any help’.

I think we need better childcare for everyone, heavily subsidised, to facilitate parents to work, to work longer hours, further/higher education, etc. Not just weekdays, but weekends and evenings too. Tax breaks for bigger organisations to have their own workplace creches, funding for unis, colleges, NHS, local authorities etc., to improve their offerings, particularly outside normal daytime working hours. I really don't think it should be limited to single parents - it should be the "norm" available to all parents, workers, unemployed, disabled, etc. Yes it will initially cost a lot but longer term rewards will be huge as it will massively help grow the economy if more people can work, and workers can work longer, being productive, making things, doing things, earning wages and paying taxes etc. We have to stop and reverse this race to the bottom that we've been in for 20-30 years.

I think co-parenting is a difficult term to quantify. To me it means a father who equally shares ALL of the decision making and parental burden. I do not know anyone personally who has that level of support from an ex. Perhaps with 50/50 shared care that’s possible but paying maintenance or having a child once a week is not sharing that burden at all and that leaves a mum as a single parent.

Ditto. I have an adult and a teenager. They've seen my professional career progress, have had financial security and that I've been able to support them.
I never wanted to be a lone parent, but that's how it worked out.
I feel more pride that the situation didn't sink me rather than any embarrassment.

As the Mum of two boys my main concern is good male role models.

Mum and Dad live in the same house with their child/children. There is a double income.

Then Mum or, more usually, Dad leaves the house and the remaining parent brings up the child/children on a single income, sometimes with a contribution from the other parent.

My DC’s parent paid £200 per calendar month towards the upbringing of DC, which isn’t very much.

There needs to be more parental responsibility placed on the children’s father. As I understand it - and am happy to be corrected - a father can go to court to demand access to his children - but a mother can not go to court to demand he actually shares his parenting responsibility. If he walks away he can not be made to have the children for a set number of days if he refuses to. Leaving the mother bearing the burden with all the associated impact on earning capacity & childcare costs. I think men who choose not to pay maintenance are rarely penalised in the way the law allows either. No-one can predict the future when they make the decision to have children with a partner. People change and for those judging single mums and “victim blaming” I pray you never find yourself suddenly abandoned and alone with children.

I think single parent= parent who is single
lone parent= parent who is doing everything alone
co parent = people who decide to have a child but aren’t involved so set up an agreement in advance. I know a lovely lesbian couple who coparent along with a gay couple for example.

It’s just shorthand for “I’m not parenting as part of a couple because the child’s other parent and I have separated” to convey that information to other people. Most people outside of your house aren’t particularly interested in the logistics of how you make it work and how precisely you want to define how much parenting of your children you do.

What happens when you report his lifestyle to csa? Surely surely they can access his bank accounts? I don’t know how this is allowed to happen.

It is indeed frustrating that women have babies with men who are dickheads.
I agree accidents happen, even on contraception.
I also don't think we should live in an age where people are trapped in relationships they don't want.

But to your point that it should be "affordable to live separately or as a single person", well this is down to the individual.

Bottom line, if a man and a woman make a mistake and then subsequently cannot afford to live separately and support their offspring between them, as a tax payer I don't want to be on the hook paying for this mistake for the next 18 years.
This sentiment is rising amongst those that don't make these sort of 'mistakes', hence the push to reduce the welfare state. Too many just think the safety net will bail them out of their poor choices - and quite frankly the safety net is getting a bit tired of it all.

The solution? People need to make less "mistakes".
Or accept that if they want to take risks or have poor judgement, if you do make a mistake, its you that will pay for it.
Either by having to work very hard or having a very low standard of living because you haven't made proviusion. But that's on you. The burden will be less and less on your tax paying neighbours who didn't make these mistakes.

Just watch how the state will continue to reduce funding. There is no more money left to go around. And tax payers will vote for personal tax reductions - the heavy tax burden is dragging everyone down together and plenty of people think that needs to stop.

I very much agree. I had children in a long term committed relationship but my partner had an affair. There was financial abuse too which continued after he had left. As a self employed individual, he could earn cash in hand but claim he was making a loss in his business. HMRC could do nothing about it and he gloated about "winning" against me - he couldn't see the damage it did to the children. I'm proud to have brought the children up with better values including working and paying your share. I know other single parents like me, including men who were left with the children whilst the mother sauntered off with her new man.

What would have helped were better childcare options, CMS enforcement against self employed refusers. Both parents should support their kids' needs above their own selfish wants. I found my experience with CMS quite traumatic (not a word I use lightly) after hours on hold to be told I should view any eventual payment for the children as "nice to have" rather than an essential part of their upbringing.

So you’re a coparent? I’m confused why people describe themselves as a single mum can you please explain

I’m a single parent to a child who is now an adult. I have a full-time professional career and so does my DC. I never felt embarrassed about leaving my husband, father of our DC, who only became abusive during pregnancy and increased the abuse afterwards.