To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

I completely agree.

i think you meant to tag @Bogusdecisions

Why are we talking about 'single mothers' as if they are one homogeneous group? Single mothers come in all shapes and forms just as married mothers do, if not more.

I had a career as a single mum, and that with no help at all from family, a useless ex who paid no maintenance and to start with two kids under 5.

It was hard, tiring, but rewarding too. I had to be super organised, instill rules, and keep going. My kids learn a lot from that attitude and that has helped them tremendously. They were fantastic kids, excelling at school, and both did their A levels whilst working some evenings and weekends.

Work was very hard and the the worse were the times we went through the threats of redundancies but again, I had to make it work. Kids did have to go to nursery and schools with some sicknesses. Yes I felt guilty when I'd pick them up and they had a fever, but it was worth it for the outcome. I found people around me very supportive.

If the father (or it might be mother) is unwilling to have the children 50/50, then in addition to maintenance he/she should pay half of nursery fees+ school club fees, so the parent that is actually doing the parenting work is also able to work.

This! And also @lemmein you are forgetting that some girls/women are brought up with no frame of reference of what’s stable relationship is, they have nothing to base it off. Some women make decisions that make sense at the time, some do it because they never had a family and want to create one. Some women grow up in dire circumstances so anything that is not as dire seems like a good thing to them. Some accept those dire circumstances as normal. It’s not rocket science. These people deserve help, without a doubt.

Yes from the parents. Too many feckless people have children without thinking of all it entails. On the flip side people who could make excellent parents are held back due to concern for the future.

Does the child ‘deserve’ help?

If you are in a long term stable relationship and are financially secure and then life throws a huge curve ball at you. Yes you should be helped.

If you knowingly procreate without a stable relationship or financial security, no you do not deserve help. We have contraception, there is no excuse.

I agree. It shouldn’t be an option to not pay for your child, and there should be a reasonable minimum contribution - the cost of keeping a child isn’t cheaper because the absent parent cba to work! When my kids were little CM was counted as income for WTC, but the appetite to enforce payment has never been there so that was stopped because it was forcing kids into poverty.

it should be treat with the same seriousness as tax evasion.

I think it’s worrying the way things are going at the moment. A few minutes on twitter and you’ll be bombarded with anti-abortion rhetoric, Musk & his cultists promoting ‘trad wife’ ideals, criticism of ‘DEI hires’ which is just another excuse to exclude women and make workplaces for white men only. They increasingly want women erased from public life and constantly pregnant.

Nothing about men who don’t support their kids. In fact Musk himself, the richest man in the world, fought for his CM case (with Grimes I think?) to be heard in Texas so he could pay the minimum amount possible! He is idolised for having kids all over the place with random women - yet if posts by his ex’s are true, has very little input in raising them.

All of this with the rise of scum like Tate, treating women as chattel, being welcomed and platformed - it’s all very depressing. It would’ve been political suicide to be seen with someone like Tate not that long ago - now they’re clamouring for a photo with him, just WTF? These are the voices our young people are hearing, daily.

Growing up in the 90s I could never have envisaged we’d be in this state just a few decades later. Trying to raise strong, independent daughters must be increasingly difficult with this noxious background noise. It’s no wonder women are choosing to have less children.

Sorry for the side-rant OP, I’m just really concerned by it all. Gilead doesn’t seem so far fetched these days.

i didn’t grow up in a single parent family , however have always been fiercely independent / proud when it comes to money etc and therefore when I split from ex life didn’t change too catastrophically - yes , have had to be more careful of course !.
I think perhaps instilling this into girls is a good thing - PSHe lessons ?

Well I’m single and I’m a mum, when I have my children I’m on my own.

The majority of single mums who are receiving benefits and housing do not make the effort to do a degree through the OU and volunteer for experience. They don’t take the opportunities available to earn for themselves because they end up no better off and it’s easier not to.

Support needs to be given to all young people to help them understand healthy relationships and the reality and responsibility of parenthood. It should be socially unacceptable to conceive a child when you’re not already in work and the expectation for everyone except very high earners should be returning to work after maternity leave. Provide the support through heavily subsidised or free childcare so parents know that what they earn is what they have to live on, without constant top ups from the government.

It really wouldn't. HMRC take no action at all in the majority of cases, just like the DWP don't take action on reports of benefit fraud. The reports are just logged for statistical reasons. The odd few "may" get actions taken, but the vast majority are just a statistic, like reporting minor crimes to the police.

That's what needs to change. CMS, HMRC, DWP, etc all need a lot of extra resources and alongside that, accountability to tackle these things.

I agree - I’m far more conscious of this since splitting up with ex

I'm not wanting to put a single ounce of blame onto the woman here, but has she tried reporting him to HMRC? That way the right info would get to CMS eventually?

Why are you victim blaming? Why not suggest instead that men need to up their game? How about we don't brush non-payment of maintenance under the carpet when it comes to our brothers, cousins, friends and colleagues? Men are out there openly saying they don't support their kids and society stands by, shuffles a bit, puts it's head down and carries on. We even come up with excuses - she earns more, she got the house, she won't let him see the kids - or say we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We don't challenge shite men. We blame the women who fall for their charms. We will only see change when not supporting your children becomes as socially unacceptable as drink driving or smoking over a new born.

When you are in the early years of RL (2 incomes,no kids)Life pretty much goes on as before really. Holidays ,meals out ,Romance / sex.Fast forward a few years and Boom! Baby arrives.broken nights , pressure on finances ,lack of opportunity for closeness.Some men just cant hack it .Does anyone have a crystal ball to see which ones? There are at least some better chances now . My Great Aunt was a widow. and had 2 small DC .Lived in a room in a house, worked as a cleaner .Her NDN would complain that baby cried .My Aunt just asked her if she would like to stop babe crying! Society has always heralded the traditional family as the ultimate goal.Many married woman struggle with work an unhelpful men as seen on here.Often struggle on as choices are limited

The government needs to do more to chase child maintenance payments. Take the money direct from their accounts, cancel
their passports?
We need to educate women about having children without being married and giving up their careers to work part time because their partner earns enough.
Perhaps some kind of register of men who owe maintenance to the mothers of their children? Of course some women won’t care and think they can change him and it will be different this time.

Feminism enabled women to go out to work and accordingly the cost of things went up in proportion to the number of dual income households.

It’s very expensive to be a single income household. You often pay more tax (because a couple has two personal allowances) and yet receive no help whatsoever other than the single person discount on council tax. And politicians don’t care about you because it’s all about hardworking families.

Life needs to become manageable on a single income. But it won’t happen any time soon.

In respect of single mums, men need to be forced to pay for their kids. Wage deprivation and criminal sanction if need be. It’s insane that taxpayers are more on the hook thsn a child’s parent.

This is why women and men will never be equal when it comes to attitudes to sex. Women are left holding the baby way more often than men are, so women need to be far more cautious about who they have sex with.

It should go without saying that those who've done excellently for their kids regardless are not being talked about

But posters generally make all encompassing 'single mums this' and 'single mums that' comments. I will not not point out, for example, that there is no such thing g as 'single mum benefit' which is often cited on here as a real thing. My prime identity for many years was 'single mum' but I worked, my children were well behaved, I didn't do porn or sell drugs to afford my brand new car. My poor kids spent a lot of time in childcare. People said stuff - not on here but in real life - sometimes just careless thinking out loud, but other times quite deliberately intending to pick at the fact of being a single mum. I've done more than excellently for my kids - better than many coupled parents - but if you say 'single mums.....' and the '......' doesn't apply to all of us, I have a right to point that out .

Single mum isn't catching. It's just shit happened. It's shit that can happen to anyone. Many people seem unable to understand that.

I don't think it's advisable for a woman to have more children than she can realistically support by herself. It's just not worth the risk and you have to assume that the man will either turn abusive or go off with someone else. They are very poor quality now and don't take responsibilities seriously because they know the woman will just have to manage if he gets bored and buggers off.

I'd advise every woman to learn how to drive and to try and get savings together for an escape fund. Open a savings account with a separate bank to your partner. Don't marry for looks, body, money, superficial charm etc. Try to identify reliable qualities that point to a longer term prospect. Always have an eye on the back door though, as men can be crafty and hide who they really are quite well. Once you're tied down with children, it gets really complicated.

This, exactly this and this was exactly my story, down to the two much wanted kids. I went part time 6 years ago to be around more for the kids when me and their dad split, and despite doing an extra degree and gaining some excellent experience, I can't find a full time job anywhere let alone match the salary I was on.

Because of this, the kids have suffered as they don't have the same experiences and lifestyle as their peers and that makes me so sad. Their dad is useless, one of the may reasons I divorced him, and doesn't see supporting his kids as a priority. He is a health care professional, think dentist or similar so not some dosser, and was Mayor of our town and church warden before we split. On paper, he was perfect father material but living with him was soul destroying.

I personally don't want sympathy, I want an opportunity to earn a decent wage again or failing that something like the assisted places scheme to come back or more funding for kid's activities so at least the children can have a decent start in life despite their parents divorce. Social mobility is non existent anymore and I don't want my children defined by their mother's choice to leave their father.

You do realise when a woman is pregnant is when domestic abuse is most common? You realise a lot of these men put on a mask until a woman is trapped? You have a very naive baby view of the world.

I’ve raised my dd on my own, she’s an adult now.

I was fortunate that I got some tax credits when she was small and it was before the time of UC. That money meant I could just about keep our heads above water.

I have def felt the stigma and snobbery aimed towards dd and I, I think some of it is aimed at single women generally who are viewed with suspicion.

when dd was a baby in a pram I pumped into my friends parents who made a comment about whether I’d considered giving her up for adoption 😳 it’s depressing people still think like this.

Ermmm.....every time there is a post about single parents, there are multiple posters who tell us we need to take responsibility for having had children with these men. Every time. Without fail.

It's not so much what other people say because who cares, really? It's the fact that every time a woman decides to have a child there is a very real risk that she will be left with every single responsibility for it. Every time. That is a huge risk. For many women it works out ok but there are plenty of others for whom it does not - and the children suffer.

I applaud young women taking responsibility for ensuring that they do not have children because until the massive reform of CMS happens, the population can fall off a cliff. Why should women be responsible for propping up the population with all that entails, without the necessary safeguards? They shouldn't.

I think CMS reform will only ever happen when the government steps in as it belatedly realises that they will have no incoming people to do the necessary jobs. That's when it will happen.

I have children but I didn't have a particularly strong maternal urge to have them. I could quite easily have been one of the childfree and happy about it. If I would be of childbearing age in this time then I think I would have focused on myself and my wellbeing because the government just does not care - and I wouldn't have cared enough to 'do my bit'.

I don't disagree with the OP at all because however feckless a man is, any man, the government could have put in place a robust system to pay decent compensation to women for childbirth/bringing up the new adults - and recovered the money from the feckless twats. Pretty easy to do but then, I'm a woman and can quite see how to do this effectively - just like every other woman.