To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

I’m a single mum, no involvement from DDs father, no CM. I work part time every weekend, study during the week. My parents are my childcare for work. I do not understand how other single mums afford to not work unless their CM is a decent amount. I claim everything I can through UC, and I’m left with about £20 spare each month. I’m exhausted to the bone.

Except it's those "mistake"'s taxes that are going to be supporting you in your old age love.

Or would you prefer to create such a hostile environment to have children in that young women vote with their wombs and refuse to have children at all as is happening in South Korea, sparking a full blown demographic crisis?

If your grandad is abusive, your dad is abusive, your brothers are abusive, the boys on your street are abusive, you will more than likely end up with an abusive man…you won’t know any different, and by the time you do it’s too late..

This comment X100. I don’t want to do more, why should I now add this to my already full plate?
in saying that, I grew up with a single parent as my dad died when I was fairly young BUT my dm was already independent, working and made sure that we educated ourselves and made our financial stability a priority before having children or becoming SAHM in vulnerable positions.
This was a time when women had SO much against them and my dm was able to make good decisions. She also didn’t meet man after man and bring more kids to the mix.

In our circle, there’s only 1 friend who is divorced but he was useless from the beginning and she knew full well but had kids anyway.

We should be responsible and accountable for the decisions we make. Certainly there are many, many situations where it really was an impossible situation but not every situation is what MN makes you think. There are many situations where women are making bad decisions anyway.

I could see all this coming back in the 1990s Its one of the reasons im child free by choice . We were told we could have it all. What they really meant was they wanted women to DO it all!

I honestly don't get why: a) tax free childcare is capped and b) why childcare can't be written off as a pre tax business expense if the government genuinely wants to boost productivity. £2k relief from the government is a drop in the ocean for a 20k+ bill.

Plus the nursery staff are underpaid. I'd love my baby to be looked after by nurturing people who are skilled and well compensated for what they do - her key worker (who is amazing) is leaving for the airline industry due to pay.

Actually, it can be lower.
I receive just over £11 per month via CMS for my 7 year old twins DC.

They will find it very hard to keep going with this argument when/if the DWP start peeping into bank accounts.

Me neither.

our “big boss” is a single mum. She gets nothing but respect for doing an amazing job.

not despite being a single mum, her parenting status is of no consequence. The only reason we even know she’s a lone parent is the odd occasion she needs to leave early/have a day off for childcare or whatever.

If you’re working there’s not really any need to broadcast your marital status anyway, it’s nobody’s business. It’s the one’s who whinge about their exes (yes, both male and female) who lose respect because work and the office isn’t the place.

Really what we need to do is support women before they become single mums to not put themselves in vulnerable situations where they have multiple children with feckless men, give up work and leave themselves financially vulnerable, don’t ensure their partners have good life insurance policies, have savings etc. Before having children couples should be considering how they would both cope if they were to split up or if one half were to die, it’s irresponsible to have children without considering any ‘what ifs’ and naive to think that you will never split up or are invincible to death. I’m single and I would have liked children but I know I can’t afford them on my own and so haven’t pursued this, it would be selfish to have children just because I want them when I’m not in a financial position to do so. If you can’t afford to be a single parent don’t have a child whilst in a relationship because staying part of a couple is never guaranteed. Contraception and abortion are both freely available so there’s rarely an excuse for having a child you can’t afford.

It's much easier for society to ignore the massive burden that single mothers shoulder than to support us adequately. Better to pretend that our parenting workload doesn't exist and force us into full-time work as well- effectively doing two jobs- and call us lazy if we can't cope than to actually acknowledge what we do.

This was highlighted for me when I was dating a childless man in a senior management position- so one of society's "good guys" - a hardworking high earner. Our evening texts: Him: " Wow, that was a big meeting, just relaxing in front of the TV with a takeaway, what are you up to?"
Me: "Well, I finished working on site, rushed to pick up DS2 from after school club, then we pelted over to pick DS1 up after his after school club, then we rushed back and I quickly made dinner from scratch to shove down them, then I've dropped a carful of kids off at evening activity, now I'm doing the weekly shop before I pick them up again".
Him: ...."Wow!"

I haven't RTFT yet, but presumably it's full of posters telling us we're feckless and lazy, as per 🙄

And also those that live in actual poverty and surrounded by it in a lot of ways. They don’t see how they can change it. It’s not as easy as you think

I think people generally don’t say these things to people’s faces but the sentiment is definitely there on social media. For women anyway. Obviously men raising kids alone are applauded.

Agree. They still won't think that is the norm though. If anything they would idealise how 'perfect' life could be.

@Bogusdecisions but I’m not talking about physical things. I’m talking about relationships and abuse etc. people can live in lovely houses, look cared for and still be in shit abusive relationships.

Disagree. I think they know that life could be different. Look around or even the internet.

It's lovely to see the 'looking down upon single mothers' sentiment is alive and well on MN. 🙄
What I do not believe, though, is that I need additional support purely because I'm a single Mother/solo parent.
I made the choices I made and I live with the consequences. I'm very low down on the socioeconomic scale and there are some complexities within my family unit, as both my daughters are AuDHD (as am I) and I am physically disabled; in the absence of any living relatives in this country, we are quite isolated and socially disenfranchised, but...
I teach my daughters to aim high, work hard, be kind but take no shit, and there are PLENTY of free or very low cost opportunities for them in our area of North Somerset, so I push them to get out of their comfort zones and experience different things (mega tough for any AuDHD child, but it's my job to prep them for the world they'll inhabit as adults).
I don't really give a fuck whether people look down as a single Mum: I'm a bloody good parent, all things being considered.
I also don't think it's helpful to be all "Oh, poor me, I'm a single Mum" in my approach, as life may be a struggle, but we all struggle within our sphere.

@Bogusdecisions did you ever hear of the saying “those in the shithouse don’t smell the shit”? When people don’t know different…they don’t know different!!!

And we are vilified, called names, our children are assumed to be trouble, stupid, somehow lesser than the children whose parents stayed together. We are called 'greedy' if we dare ask for maintenance. If we earn well, we are called names for expecting maintenance from a lesser earning ex. If we earn well, people giggle about only fans or mention 'dealing' within our earshot. Or things like 'how can she afford that if we own a car or a house or something considered expensive.

In all honesty I don’t recognise this at all. I’m a single mum, my kids have a good relationship with their dad. I’m in a professional job, well respected for what I do, my kids are well cared for. No one has expressed negative views to me about being a single parent. We don’t all have the same experiences for many reasons.

Try missing a month or 2 council tax payments. Thats how it should be dealt with - exactly how non-payment of tax is treat.

That will just perpetuate the problem. We need to change then mindset.

Growing up in dire circumstances means you know life can be bad. Why would you not want to sort yourself out first rather than continue the pattern.

The UK has the second most expensive childcare costs in the World. It’s a national disgrace. Nursery places cost up to £2500 per month in London. In Germany, it’s €250 per month. So up to TEN TIMES more expensive in the UK.

I did 🤣 @Bogusdecisions I definitely meant to tag you thank you at @lemmein

Not all jobs are suitable for 50/50. More importantly, neither are all children.

How do you envision we force people to pay? The CMS has written off millions. To make people pay, you need a court process. There needs to be enough of a through process for cases to be heard quickly. They'd have to create prison space and then what happens? They don't pay so it starts again? Or we let people la guish in prison at a cost to the tax payer?