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Original poster

To think we’re going to have to do more to support single mums

211 replies

Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 10:58

I don’t know if this is the norm or just my social circle I’m in but my five closest friends are all single mums. Three of them have become single mum's in the last two years, two have been single mums since their children were babies. I’m in the middle.
How they are coping with it seems to vary so much depending on level of income, type of job, support network, the nature of the split, their children and their ages/ characters/ SEN, whether there a homeowner, MH.
However there are struggles for all of us.

Childcare is too short, hard to get and expensive. It’s super difficult to find a house to rent. UC, if you get it, doesn’t pay childcare in advance so for something like the school holidays is a huge outlay, especially for more than one child. Yes these costs should be shared but in a domestic abuse or coercive control situation, ex H’s aren’t always involved.
Very often women get trapped not working and it’s not because they don’t want to, it’s because the barriers to get back in the workplace are huge, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.
The housing situation is hugely biased. No single parent who gets benefits, even ones who work can find a private tenancy. Discrimination, although supposedly outlawed, is still rife.
Flexible working, again, not easy to obtain.
WFH roles are harder to get, most only let you WFH after a period of time. Yet at the same time, childcare is being reduced due to the amount of people WFH.

I suppose my thoughts are that none of these help women leave unhappy, potentially dangerous or abusive relationships.
On MN I see a lot of ‘LTB’ but with no actual support when women actually do. It feels very much like the only women who are allowed to leave, according to MN, are those who own a property in their own name, earn six figures and have a car.
What about the rest of us?
Do governments feel that making things hard is necessary? Would women be having more babies in short term or non sustainable relationships if we made things better for women?

OP posts:
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Mistymeg · 30/03/2025 19:59

Mrsttcno1 · 23/03/2025 11:37

I do agree it’s difficult, some of my friends are single parents, but I’m not sure that I agree it’s up to the government to provide this help. There is already a good amount of support there, free hours now from 9 months to help with childcare costs, those on UC can have up to 85% of childcare paid, rolling out free breakfast clubs will help extend the available working hours of many parents, lots of jobs offer flexible working, you can receive housing benefit/UC child element to help keep you afloat etc.

What needs to change really is Child Maintenance. We need huge reform there, more powers, bigger teeth to go after those who don’t pay & more enforcement people on the ground to actually look into things and find out what is owed. One of my friend’s baby dad is on benefits and so only has to pay £7 per week according to CMS, yet we know full well he’s been to New York, Paris and Iceland so far this year, he’s driving around in a nearly brand new BMW, he’s eating out multiple times a week every week from his socials and I’m not talking KFC I’m talking steak houses and posh restaurants, wearing a £500 gold necklace… I could go on. He’s working cash in hand, he knows it, it’s obvious, we all know it, she’d told CMS, who have basically said… tough 🙃 they go by what is reported via HMRC, and they simply don’t have the man power or the legal power to go after these people. That’s what would make the biggest difference to single parents, make sure that NOT paying for your kids isn’t an option.

Well said. The other side of the coin is there is nothing available for parents who are together if just one is earning more than £99k. Sounds like a dream doesn’t it, one person earning say £120k, right? But what if you live in london and you qualify for 0 hours free childcare and you’re taxed 40%? Then you pay £2,100 per month per child, plus mortgage, plus living expenses. So when you’re being asked to pay more to help single mums, whilst the Dad pays sweet FA I have to agree, you can’t keep blanket taxing people. The take home after 40% tax is not enough to keep head above water in this day and age. The answer can’t keep being ‘tax them more’. Theres nothing left…..

JHound · 30/03/2025 19:31

crackofdoom · 30/03/2025 19:23

Quite right. Off to the workhouse with the trollops! Their children can be adopted by the respectable.

Show quote history

Oh yes the two options:

  1. Encouraging women to have children in “short-term, non-sustainable relationships”.

  2. Workhouses and forcible adoptions.

That’s it. Those are the options.

NeelyOHara1 · 30/03/2025 19:30

I wonder if lone mums nowadays would benefit from a Kate and Allie style partnership? Kate and Allie

Kate & Allie (TV Series 1984–1989) ⭐ 6.9 | Comedy

30m | TV-PG

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086742/

JHound · 30/03/2025 19:28

I will say like you I also am around a lot of single mothers. A couple who formed a stable partnership, had children and it collapsed.

I feel sorry for them. I don’t feel sorry for the ones I know who chose to have kids with openly worthless men or put less thought into their choice to have kids than I do in deciding whether to have ketchup on my chips. I feel sorry for the kids but not men and women who make stupid procreative choices.

UndermyShoeJoe · 30/03/2025 19:23

We need to start judging dads who do not live with or 50/50 their children. We need to turn st them. Call them drains on society. That they made reckless choices and should not breed with every women they meet. How it’s terrible to not want to spend as much time as possible being a proper real parent.

We won’t though.

crackofdoom · 30/03/2025 19:23

JHound · 30/03/2025 19:21

Would more women have more babies in short term or non sustainable relationships if we made things better for women?

Why on earth would we want to encourage women to have children in short-term, non sustainable relationships?! As belts are being tightened, government spending slashed to balance the books and councils running out of money…why do you want to increase the burden on the taxpayer?

Edited

Quite right. Off to the workhouse with the trollops! Their children can be adopted by the respectable.

JHound · 30/03/2025 19:21

Would more women have more babies in short term or non sustainable relationships if we made things better for women?

Why on earth would we want to encourage women to have children in short-term, non sustainable relationships?! As belts are being tightened, government spending slashed to balance the books and councils running out of money…why do you want to increase the burden on the taxpayer?

blacksax · 30/03/2025 19:19

Bogusdecisions · 23/03/2025 14:06

If you are in a long term stable relationship and are financially secure and then life throws a huge curve ball at you. Yes you should be helped.

If you knowingly procreate without a stable relationship or financial security, no you do not deserve help. We have contraception, there is no excuse.

Perhaps the absent / feckless / imprisoned / abusive / cheating (delete as applicable) fathers should be forced to pay for their children then.

They are the ones who are equally responsible, who impregnated these unfortunate women, and they are the ones who then fucked off and left her to it.

Elsvieta · 24/03/2025 19:00

Re: your last two questions, history would seem to suggest that the answers are yes and yes. When there were no benefits / support / anything for unmarried mothers, there were very few unmarried mothers. And the divorce rate was a lot lower too. We may or may not think that it's good that it's become easier to leave partners, have children without partners etc, but I just don't think the money is there for any more "support". It's like people living longer and longer; it may be a good thing, but we just can't afford to keep having people retire at 65 if living to 90+ is going to become commonplace. The fact is that stuff is expensive and it's going to be tougher running a household on one salary. I don't think government can fix that.

BlondiePortz · 23/03/2025 21:20

Mumof3confused · 23/03/2025 11:35

Are you a man?

Men usually wait until they’ve trapped you in a marriage with children before showing their true selves, ie useless and abusive.

Some mums are single due to bereavement. Is this their fault also?

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Last time I checked I was a female, hard to tell these days of course but you never know stranger things may have happened I mean next people will be saying all females have to think the same otherwise they will be thought of as a man

UpsideDownChairs · 23/03/2025 19:03

Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 16:37

@UpsideDownChairswith respect, and I do respect you, it is because you are in a position of power (which you earned) that you can keep those boundaries with your ex. If you have to keep your ex sweet so he will pay you or have the kids one evening so you can work in a pub, then it’s very different. I actually know some women still having sex with their ex/ children’s dads to get enough money to survive. So much for our ‘generous’ benefits system eh @lilydragon

No, absolutely - women do what they need to to survive, and to keep their kids fed and safe - and that's used against us a lot.

Of course there are exceptions, and plenty of them.

In a lot of situations though, grey rocking rather than increasing drama, sticking resolutely to agreements (just like when training a dog, or raising a child) would make a world of difference to their quality of life. It's hard, it takes discipline (which can feel impossible when you're already worn down), but you've gotta do it, or nothing will change.

And I realise no-one thinks their relationship will break down, but giving up your earning capacity is always going to leave you vulnerable. And having the children already makes you vulnerable, so making it worse is risky.

DrCoconut · 23/03/2025 18:50

It's all well and good that UC pay up to 85% of childcare costs but that's useless when there are no places. I have to limit my work hours to do the school run as there are no childminders collecting from my DS's school since the lockdowns, there's no after school club and it's not as simple as move school as anyone who has experience of school places will know. Plus DS has SEN that are best met at his current school. I do what I can and it annoys me that mums in my position are labelled as lazy, scroungers etc. But my ex (who has opted out of our family) just pays £10 per week per child and is let off scott free. I'm the bad guy.

Fioratourer · 23/03/2025 18:44

I am a single parent doing a degree. Yes I get less in uc and have to fund our life with my student loan but it works. I could have carried on doing a fairly low paid job forever that I enjoyed. But when the child maintenance and benefits stopped I would have been stuck financially. This way I will be financially better off in the future.

Eyerollexpert · 23/03/2025 18:31

I agree with @ Porcelainpig
It should be affordable to live separately or as a single person and it isn't.
I ended up being a single parent, was married planned kids, nothing I could have done differently. I had a good job, worked full-time but even so with no help from the Dad, financially it was more than difficult. Even now years later I have never got back to owning my own house. Wages are too low to get a mortgage as a single person unless you have a very well paid job even as a professional.

Pickledpoppetpickle · 23/03/2025 18:24

Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 17:13

@Frequencyyeah it’s crazy some months, like Spring when you have to get the guttering done, the hall needs doing and I wanted someone to karcher the patio. I’m exhausted, probs pregnant again too. What am I like? Defo just selling pitchers of my feet next year

oh dear! those 'pitchers' will sell themselves! I forgot the goat. Mine didn't survive the winter storms. I'll need a new one. I wonder if I could get an 80 inch screen TV to go with it?

Original poster
Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 17:13

@Frequencyyeah it’s crazy some months, like Spring when you have to get the guttering done, the hall needs doing and I wanted someone to karcher the patio. I’m exhausted, probs pregnant again too. What am I like? Defo just selling pitchers of my feet next year

OP posts:
Frequency · 23/03/2025 17:10

Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 17:05

@PickledpoppetpickleI’m sorry but your lived experience of your relationship breakdown/ career/ education is actually wrong because half of MN ‘know someone’ who earn £4000 in benefits and never have to search for work and they palm the kids off all the time. You get 85% of all childcare don’t you know and UC always pay this on time and definitely don’t quibble the shit out of it and only pay you a third.
You know Leanne down the road, well she had five kids by Steve who beat her and turned up to the wedding up on pills with a prostitute on his arm. She gets everything paid for, but when she’s a bit skint she just moves a local builder in. Then she gets his wages AND she gets her plastering done. Puh these single mums have it so good.

Edited

You forgot the single mum benefits she also gets on top of the £4000 and free plastering.

And the goat, you forgot the goat. I'm sill waiting for my goat. I hope it comes before the grass needs cutting else I'll have to shag the gardener again.

Original poster
Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 17:05

@PickledpoppetpickleI’m sorry but your lived experience of your relationship breakdown/ career/ education is actually wrong because half of MN ‘know someone’ who earn £4000 in benefits and never have to search for work and they palm the kids off all the time. You get 85% of all childcare don’t you know and UC always pay this on time and definitely don’t quibble the shit out of it and only pay you a third.
You know Leanne down the road, well she had five kids by Steve who beat her and turned up to the wedding up on pills with a prostitute on his arm. She gets everything paid for, but when she’s a bit skint she just moves a local builder in. Then she gets his wages AND she gets her plastering done. Puh these single mums have it so good.

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 23/03/2025 16:59

The current one- well there must be some way round it, or she's lying to them. The older one, well that was a long time ago. Appreciate it sounded like single mum bashing but that wasn't intentional having been raised in a single parent household.

crackofdoom · 23/03/2025 16:56

Pickledpoppetpickle · 23/03/2025 12:42

Ermmm.....every time there is a post about single parents, there are multiple posters who tell us we need to take responsibility for having had children with these men. Every time. Without fail. The point is, single parents take responsibility all day, every day. And we are vilified, called names, our children are assumed to be trouble, stupid, somehow lesser than the children whose parents stayed together. We are called 'greedy' if we dare ask for maintenance. If we earn well, we are called names for expecting maintenance from a lesser earning ex. If we earn well, people giggle about only fans or mention 'dealing' within our earshot. Or things like 'how can she afford that if we own a car or a house or something considered expensive.

We are expected to work full time, any complexity around availability of childcare, time it takes to travel, availability of transport, children being in different settings (childcare and school), lack of availability of space in breakfast and after school clubs ....just ignored, shoulders shrugged, like we have magic powers to just make it work. Our employers put us on observation when two children fall ill in quick succession and then pass it on to us. We're supposed to have family and friends who will just drop their responsibilities at a seconds notice to help us out. We're supposed to attend breakfast meetings, go the extra mile after working hours to get promoted and therefore lessen our dependency on the state all when childcare closes early and opens late again the next morning. Concessions, sympathy, empathy afforded together parents ignored when you're single.

We're assumed to be non-working, part-time working and on benefits. They look down their noses, make assumptions. Some people have no issue calling us benefit scum even when we don't claim anything. Our children are pitied when in childcare whilst we work. Comments about being the first to be dropped off and the last to be picked up not so innocently dropped within our ear shot.

I could go on. Do I need to?

Show quote history

This. All of this.

Pickledpoppetpickle · 23/03/2025 16:56

The majority of single mums who are receiving benefits and housing do not make the effort to do a degree through the OU and volunteer for experience. They don’t take the opportunities available to earn for themselves because they end up no better off and it’s easier not to

See this is the stereotypical shite we are having to deal with all the bloody time.

Majority of single mums who are receiving benefits are also working. Many of them already have degrees. Not everyone is suited to higher level study, even assuming they had the time to dedicate to it, what with being a single parent and out at work at least part time. You can't volunteer for experience if you have no one to help you with childcare (I volunteered for a year - but my mum did the childcare and the picking up and dropping off at school for me, I couldn't have done it otherwise). And actually, the DWP has something to say about volunteering when you should be working,I think. As for we don't take opportunities to earn for ourselves, the statistics would suggest otherwise. We are not all stupid and incapable of higher level study, nor are we destined to remain in minimum wage roles just because we're single mums. And without exception, every single mum I've ever come across has worked and was desperate to get off the tax credits so as not to be beholden to the state (and idiots who think they're better than us as they're tax payers. I mean, it's not like single mums are exempt for paying tax, is it?!).

Maybe stop and think a bit. Single parenthood is not just for 15 year olds. Women of all ages are widowed or lose a partner. Many are abused, controlled and beaten. Others (sticks own hand in air) cannot continue in a long term relationship because our husbands have had affairs and no longer want to be with us. This happens to people of all ages, all social classes, all levels of work experience, all levels of health and well being.

Original poster
Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 16:45

@Whatevershallidowithmylifeits actually impossible to not find work anymore unless you are disabled. UC mandates job searches and you can be sanctioned. I know people who have been sanctioned. You have to meet the AET which is around £900 per month. HTH

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 23/03/2025 16:43

I've got two who were in this position- one 30 years ago and one quite recently. Both were financially OK due to benefit awards, both were OK for childcare due to grandparents. One never bothered to attempt to find work, one had a cleaning job in the evenings. I would say my friends who have live in partners had and have it handed.

One child grew up to have a child at 18 who is college qualified for a lit of things but never actually stuck to a job. The other, we'll, we'll wait and see.

Original poster
Flowersinthehood · 23/03/2025 16:43

@lilydragonhow much personal experience of claiming benefits do you have? My amount without wages is £995 per month, two children, and out of that I would have to pay a mortgage and all other bills. That in no way makes up for a whole other person’s wages.

Why should you care?
Well women won’t leave abusive relationships. More children will be abused or go to sleep wondering if their mum will be killed in the night. More women will bring unsuitable men into the home just to get another wage. Why? That’s not very smart is it? Because they have to, in order to put food on the table.
I am flat broke each month. I don’t have savings. I earn 30K. I get £176 UC. It’s shit. So why didn’t I just stay with an abusive man? Is that what you’re suggesting.

Or did you think that UC paid more if you prove abuse? If so bless your heart

OP posts:
Frequency · 23/03/2025 16:39

That is something people seem to forget when they're banging about feckless (read slutty) women having kids they cannot afford. Those kids are future taxpayers. They're also potential nurses and carers, all of which we are desperately short of, a fact which is not being helped by the birth rate falling below the rate of replacement.

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