Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

Oops I must have missed the schools comment

TBH when I read your post, I was concerned about her fixation on this girl and being envious of her. She probably would never do anything to pose a risk to others, but I would keep a close eye on her and think of ways to help her. Is she happy at the school at all or have any friends? Do you think it might help to have a fresh start and go to a different school? Or perhaps help her focus on something else that she is good at or may have an interest in like art etc and get her attention of this "perfect" girl. Or explain to your dd that no one is perfect and it may seem like this girl has it all, but everyone has something they are not happy with or working on.

If OP’s daughter is letting her hostility to the girl be known (which she seems to be, if the school’s comment is anything to go by) it wouldn’t surprise me if the girl doesn’t want to be friends with her. I’m not sure I’d have wanted to strike up a friendship with someone who behaved like this in the hope they’d suddenly stop perceiving my every success as a personal affront. I think I’d want to keep them at a safe distance, frankly.

Please don't do this. By the sound of it, she'd make the perfect frenemy.

You seem very blasé about this situation considering your daughter is classed as a threat to other people, she is fixated on this particular girl and wants to 'defeat' her.
Can you not see where this is potentially going?
Have you asked your daughter what she would deem defeating someone?
I don't think you are anywhere near enough concerned about this behaviour, you almost seem to agree with your daughter's reasoning.
You need to get to the bottom of this, it maybe that she needs medication/different medication to help her function but you can't just ignore what you are being told.

Is she friends with this girl OP? If not, I think if she tries to become true friends with her then this problem will disappear. I remember from my past that girls who were jealous of me for no reason, or me of other girls, or just girls in our class, once we became closer the competition faded and it became more inspiring.

I'm confused as to why you are shocked , you said this in your first post ...

Hello. My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class

Why is there no reference to feelings of envy any more? Always the jump to jealousy?

Is it lack of knowledge that there are two different emotions; one of which is normal/typical in humans - whereas the other one is inherently likely to lead to harm unless checked and resolved?

I think that this is a perfectly natural and important phase that teenage girls go through. I certainly remember being worried about everyone else being ‘better’ than me at something.

It’s such an important life lesson though, that you have to count your lucky stars and find joy in the little things to get through life. There will always be somebody ‘better’ but there’s nothing wrong with being happy with being your own good and your own best. You just have to make sure you are getting the most of out your situation.

It doesn’t seem to be popular to say this these days, but life isn’t fair. Accept it and find a way to focus on how well you are doing, rather than what you think others are doing.

Maybe listen to or read the book the ‘Let them Theory’. It’s about dealing with situations you can’t control.

Also, as others have mentioned it’s handy to have the “Don’t peak in high school” line as back up. In 5 years time she’s going to be glad that wasn’t her peak!

And if you don’t like losing the game, find another game to play… this girl is an obsession and it’s not healthy.

That link isn't about adhd and jealousy - there is a passing mention of it at best, alongside mention of numerous other traits.

If you Google adhd and x, where x is virtually any random personality trait or behaviour, you will probably find an article suggesting there is a link. It doesn't necessarily mean that there is one.

Where adhd might be relevant is with regard to regulating emotions. So if someone with adhd does feel jealous, or indeed any other emotion, then they may have a harder time managing that emotion than the average person.

I'm inclined to agree. This reminds me a little bit of someone I know. Late 30s now. Never challenged by her parents who validate her feelings. Has just about every privilege possible - own house, stable relationship, part time job WFH, several much loved children. She's still like a teenager and feels perpetually anxious because she's not happy. She ditched the last counsellor her parents paid for, saying she was no good.

Other people existing isn’t ’rubbing their talents in her face’.

There are some deeply, deeply concerning mindsets at play here. From both of you.

I’m not surprised they’re concerned she may harm others in a jealous rage. Her refusal to engage in or ‘care about’ any mental health support is a big red flag here.

This is b/s, and I say that as a woman with ADHD. We're also not all 'hyper competitive' where are you getting this idea from?

OP, if you're daughter is AuDHD, it could be she's fixated on the other girl in a way to emulate what she thinks good / cool / etc looks like as she can't figure out how to be like that, but wants to.

If you pursue counselling, try getting someone who's ND affirming and avoid CBT - it doesn't work well for ND people.

OP didn't mention that until many posts in, on a thread where a lot of information was given in the first post - but not this quite important medical diagnosis?

I hope OP will get some external help for her daughter and maybe for herself to deal with this.

thick/naughty - All things my dd was called before her adhd diagnosis - by teachers unfortunately.

now we have the diagnosis a lot has fallen into place and she is starting to thrive.

and she is not a jealous person - she’s actually more of a cheerleader and likes to boost her friends. It’s easy to attribute her negative traits to her adhd but some of it is just being a teenager/her personality.

ADHD and jealousy

I'm sorry it's so hard for your daughter. Somehow (easier said than done obviously) she needs a different perspective.

In the incredible book A Beginner's Guide to Dying by Simon Boas, he talks about how we always compare up not down:

"A huge mistake we all make - I think it must be hard-wired into us - is to compare ourselves only upwards, Social media probably makes this worse, as we see snapshots of glittering, curated lives in pictures (or read the comical humble-brags on professional platforms like LinkedIn - 'So honoured to be part of the award-winning team which increased the sales of fortified breakfast cereals to non-binary customers in Arkansas'). But 'keeping up with the Joneses' has probably been with us since the Joneses had a nicer cave.

"And all of us do it. I've spent the last few years living in a place where there is enormous wealth, and have seen millionaires made miserable by the fact that someone has a better yacht. And I've seen people max out their credit cards so they can have the latest Range Rover sitting on their driveway.

"Aside from realising that the most important things really are those that money can't buy - a happy family, love, a sense of meaning, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of engagement in something, however small - there is a very easy trick to avoiding this tendency, Compare yourself only downwards."

Haven’t read all the posts only yours so apologies if mentioned already, you say your daughter has a diagnosis of AUtism and adhd, does she have a demand avoidance profile? PDA( common profile with autism) in girls presents with the need to be best, be top and struggles with friendships and intensity of friendships- all due to anxiety that these things are a threat. Lots of resources online re. PDA and friendships , I would encourage you to check out the pda society.
ultimately this other girl poses a threat to your daughter and her reactions are part of her brain wiring, not intentional however it is brilliant she can articulate this so I would suggest you support her to cope with the feels that threat brings - feeling worthless, panicky etc or whatever else - up the self tools to recognise that she is safe and can control her feelings well as well as encouraging her self esteem . I say this as a mother to a very similar child whose friendships are one of the biggest challenge she faces.

I have adhd and I've never struggled with jealousy. I don't think this is a thing.

Some people with adhd have a problem with jealousy. Some people without adhd have a problem with jealousy.

OP has clarified that she is diagnosed with both

i think it would be good to find a family therapist who is experienced in these ND to explore this

Well, people were labelled as other things wasn’t they ! Like thick, naughty etc

I'm not sure.
A lot of people with ADHD seem to be very competitive.
Maybe linked to that?

I'm not a specialist by any means but I know a number of people with ADHD and I read about it quite a bit.

I think you are wrong not to take this statement seriously. It's not "silly" but alarming. Schools don't make such judgements lightly and if it means, as you say, that they think she poses a risk to others, you should at least be concerned about why they think that, even if you can't bring yourself to believe it about your child. Could you go back to the school and ask them exactly what about her behaviour they find concerning? That might help you see things more clearly. Her behaviour does not sound like that of someone who is just predisposed to envy or even jealousy. Generally jealous people don't tend to fixate on one person in the way your daughter is doing. She sounds obsessive and I really think it would be dangerous to dismiss that aspect of her behaviour.

People had to be accountable for their actions.

I wish posters would bloody stop labelling with ADHD and autism, it's really annoying. What did we do before we had this behaviour to deal with but no labels?