Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

I don't think OP's dd is insecure it sounds more like she's controlling. Many of us can feel insecure especially teenage girls, it's kind of part and parcel. Not all of us fixate on people doing better than us, yes envy and jealousy are normal human emotions but fixating on one girl as her nemesis when the successful girls hasn't done anything is not normal behaviour. She goes to grammar school so there is a high achieving competitive culture already in the family including mum. The best thing op can do for her dd is to find her an extra curricular activity that fosters empathy. I hope she is not at my dd's school.

So it's nothing the girl is doing - it's how people including your DD react to her.

Frankly you do need to sit down and talk to her about ignoring this girl and others reactions to her - it will likely be may be more than one conversation.

There's always going to be someone better than you out there. You need to refocus her and her attention to her own life her own goals.

I do think you might need to look at perfectionism - here - as a wider problem - as her need to be best is worrying.

There was a girl from my primary fated as a good artist - she was slightly better than her age range she never managed to do anything in art field. Annie Lennox went down to London after childhood being fated as mucially talented but she thought she was less her contemporaries - and floated for a bit then clearly found a different direction.

She 14 she still needs direction from you and you need to clearly say this girls shouldn't be her focus - few years time she'll likely mean nothing to your DD. I had to say similar with upset 15 year old friend fall out - I said your sibling only keep in touch with one or two people from school as they've moved on and met more people at college and uni.

As the mother of a DD who has literally had her life torn apart due to this sort of jealousy directed at her, it’s good to see some of the answers on this thread. Jealousy can be so corrosive. Everyone feels it but it’s such a vital skill to learn to manage it. I’ve taught my kids that jealousy is a signal to us that we aspire to something. It tells us where to direct our efforts to improve ourselves or alternatively to seek other ambitions if we aren’t achieving what we want with effort. It has nothing to do with the other person.

Those are all platitudes though. OP's daughter has been deemed to be a possible risk to others (presumably primarily this girl) by the school at a meeting to discuss her behaviour. That's not a conclusion reached by examining the behaviour of someone going through a "perfectly natural and important phase".

Yes, this is something I mentioned upthread. Not only does it smack of spite, it also misses the point - whether this girl ‘peaks in secondary school’ isn’t the issue. The issue is OP’s daughter’s inability to handle someone outclassing her, and that’s going to happen in life from time to time. If it’s not this girl it’ll be someone else. Whether this girl remains successful in later life or not is utterly irrelevant. The issue is OP’s daughter’s lack of resilience.

I'm sorry to read that. Whatever you have in place is obviously not going to work without your daughter's buy-in and co-operation. Has the school mentioned a 'contract' to you? Your daughter is your child, she isn't and mustn't be the one 'in control'. Her choices are limited by her own behaviour and she needs to understand that.

If nothing works then removing your daughter from the school - either by you or by exclusion - will be the ultimate solution for the school and the safety of that particular girl. I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't preparation for this already.

I've seen something similar develop - in slow motion - and everyone is sorry afterwards when it's too late.

I'm sorry for you; it must be an intolerable situation for you but please, if you need additional agencies involved then do that.

The girl isn’t rubbing anything in your daughter’s face by virtue of being good at things. What do you think she should do? Fail in order to make your daughter feel better? Limit her own development and opportunities? That’s a ridiculous notion, and hardly solves the problem of this particular character trait exhibited by your daughter.

As tempting as it may be to blame the other girl, the problem is entirely your daughter’s. And no, imagining how secretly unhappy this girl may be, now or in the future, is also a gross trait that speaks of bitterness, and isn’t tackling the core issue either.

This

Some of this advice really bugs me. Implying that the object of jealousy will peak in high school just feeds the jealousy or the notion that it’s a competition. May not be intended that way but that’s how it comes across to me.

Life is not a competition and comparison is the thief of joy etc.

Do you have any feelings of inadequacy @cheshirecat2913 ?

Agree with this.
Your posts have a worrying focus on this girl as being the problem. Your tone is unpleasant from the start ‘you know the type’.
You need to steer all conversations away from this girl and focus on gratitude for what you and your daughter have.

Again you are showing the bias your dd is feeding off. What does less competitive mean? That the school doesn’t get quite as good grades overall? It’s a nonsense put about by private schools to attract the pushy parents - if your child is an A grade student she will be an a grade student if she goes to the school a few rungs below in the league table

Your daughter needs help from health professionals before she becomes a danger to this other girl who’s just trying to go to school and do her best.

Your daughters self worth on importance shouldn’t be tied up to basically if she’s better than everyone else. Which is what she’s doing despite you saying otherwise at times. She only get on with those “below her”.

Just like she won’t go to a less competitive school even though she tests bad. Well guess what her GCSEs are big ole tests. Where this girl who’s become her fixation is like to far surpass her results and then your going to have a huge issue with your daughter.

OP, if you don't get help for your daughter - and quite soon - it is possible that your daughter will find herself excluded from this school for the safety of other pupils. If that happens then don't think that other school head teachers will not be made aware of the reasons under pupil safeguarding.

If you are serious about helping your daughter then find a professional before your daughter ends up out of the school system altogether and into a referral unit somewhere.

‘DD says’ being the operative statement

i highly doubt the other girls comment about her much and your dd is blowing a simple comment out of proportion

you seem to be downplaying your dds behaviour and blaming the other girl and that’s really not helpful. You are feeding your daughters obsession

Which I imagine is a significant exaggeration. I very much doubt a whole class is as preoccupied with this girl as your daughter is. Even if they are, the solution is still for your daughter to reframe her thoughts on this. No one is going to change their behaviour to make her feel better, so developing resilience is the only option.

Completely missed it. Thanks. Yes I agree with you.

Well you've only stated that your DD moving schools is not an option - but not Why so it may be valid or not!

It certainly sounds like this girl is at risk of being harmed by your DDs overwhelming jealousy. You do realise your DD would then be imprisoned and her jealousy is absolutely no defence.

You also sound like you're victim blaming. Pack that in straight away.

"She always needs somebody to talk to and if they leave her she gets very upset and self harms, "

She is self harming. She needs specialist mental health care ASAP. This is not optional, OP.

@lilylooleelala OP said the school identified her as someone whose jealousy might mean she poses a risk to others. So if I were the other girl I would not be minded to be anything more than civil.

This is a difficult read. I am the other girl, though I wasn't good at sport. I have been told all my life that I think I'm better than other people and that I'm a show-off. Perhaps you would say I'm rubbing my talents in other people's faces.

I'm not. I'm just trying to live my life. I am a very kind person and yes, I am talented.

And I was unfairly sacked last year by a woman like your daughter who was jealous of me. I still haven't found another job. This woman destroyed my livelihood even though I was doing a brilliant job because she was jealous.

And it ended in a settlement because what she did was illegal. But that didn't get me my job back. This woman will not be happy. Even if I died, she wouldn't be happy because the problem is not me; it's her insecurity and there will always be someone more talented, "better" than or annoying.

Please get your daughter help to resolve her insecurity because she could end up bitter at the success of others and may be in a position to hurt others with her actions.