Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

This is a very good way to put it. I’ll remember this advice thank you.

i hop your daughter is ok now

I don’t think it’s ‘silly’ that the school have said she’s a concern to others. She’s measuring herself against some girl and wants to defeat her…That is concerning. Giving up on her own endeavours and then blaming it on this girl is lunacy.

The girl can’t help being clever and good at thing and she can’t help having a good home life. Well, I suppose she can help being good at some things by not giving up because someone else is better than her.

That's not the girls fault. I remember at university everyone used to go on about the grades /marks I got because I always did so well. I hated the attention! I hated they would look for my marks on the notice board even before I had got out of bed to go and see them!

Your DD needs some perspective

And also make sure she is not just getting praise for academic achievement, since this is one of the areas that seems to trigger her. she needs praise for kindness, for generosity of spirit, for politeness, for singing, for washing up, for tidying her room and remembering to put her clean clothes away, for being gentle with the cat, reading to younger children, for dealing with awkward situations, for smiling etc etc etc

She needs hugs for being who she is, for being your special girl, because YOU need a hug. You also need to make sure that you praise and verbalise express admiration towards other people for their thoughtfulness and activities other than academic work. Encourage her to do the same, it is especially important to verbalise positive feelings about other people so that it becomes a habit, something you both do. Actively looking for good in others can help us recognise good in ourselves.

I think though OP for your DD’s own good you have to be very assertive about putting her on track over these things.

I notice you are saying a lot of “but she’s just like this” or “ just thinks that.” It’s your job to pull her up and try to change these rigid mindsets. I’m not saying that’s easy - and it’s even more difficult if she’s ND. But understanding her and simply allowing her to continue in these mindsets unchecked are not the same thing. Letting her fixate on someone, to refuse to engage in things if this ( ultimately quite random) person is “ better” and to dismiss help from school ad “ not good at their job” is allowing her to develop in a very stunted way.

She needs a psychiatric evaluation. And I would also ask, though someone may have asked this already (apologies if so) are you someone who constantly compares yourself to others? Because she learned this pattern of behavior somewhere.

You don't think counselling is appropriate for a child who has been deemed a potential danger to others by her school? By the sound of it, it's not a problem that a bit of fresh air and running about or showing off on a stage is going to fix. She needs proper help and the OP seems intent on not getting it for her.

But she could go to a different one. If Girl Guides for example, there are lots of groups, so your DD can pick a different one. It's also great in terms of being non competitive - most activities there isn't a winner or looser, it's about challenging yourself and growing.

I think this jealousy/obsession is a sign of her ND to be honest as others have said. I have a ND teenager and you can say 'I don't want to talk about that ' when they go on and on about the thing they're obsessed with.
I think PP s suggestion of finding other activities that your DD can improve at is good.
Also when she goes for a university interview or a job interview she won't be compared with this girl. They will be looking at what she's achieved.

Do you think school should be doing more to support your daughter? Just because she's os clever it doesn't mean she won't be impacted by her ND.

totally agree. It’s scary she’s been deemed a concern to others. Op you need to Google some of the things teenagers have done to each other driven by jealousy. Acid attacks spring to mind first. I don’t know why on Earth you’re being so dismissive and saying it’s silly of the school?! It’s terrifying. You need to take her out of school and keep her away from this girl. She needs to grow her self esteem away from a school environment. Maybe online school or something. She needs a psychologist too. Please don’t minimise this!

I wouldn’t particularly want to promote a sense of a race to the bottom, either. It is OK for people to have days when they feel bad or hard done by, even if there are kids on cancer wards and starving ones in Africa. It’s human nature. I think the problem with OP’s daughter is that it’s become wildly maladaptive. Telling her ‘be grateful you haven’t got cancer’ is unlikely to help the situation.

This suggests some disordered thinking on your part, OP. I asked you what the other girl was doing to "rub it in your dd's face", and your response was that other people talk about how great this girl is.

She is not doing anything wrong. In fact, she sounds great, and that's why other people are talking about her in this way.

The thing that you and your dd both need to understand is that this other girl being fabulous does not in any way diminish your daughter or prevent her from being fabulous as well.

Life isn't a competition and it isn't a zero sum game. Your dd needs to stop comparing herself to others and to focus on becoming the best version of herself that she can possibly be.

She does drama and that good, its creative.

Does she attend a club with a teamwork/social focus like cadets or a youth club?

In terms of sport there are so many and seems unlikely she'd dislike every one, what girls sports teams are near you? Or athletics? Will she do local park run or even join the gym? She can't avoid all sport for the rest of her life? What about something out the box like a rock climbing club or something watersports based?

In terms of education she could do extra work at home, khan academy is free but some parts are american context but the profile system is good...if she wanted to challenge herself if its that big a deal.

At 14 is she doing any volunteering? There might be some good opportunities locally.

I don't think counselling is the answer here, i think widening her experience of the world and creating extra social circles is the answer, and if she is still not happy then try counselling. Counselling isn't a magic bullet, it sounds like her world is small and she needs put out of her comfort zone.

This is ridiculous. Take your daughter to a cancer ward or show her all the kids starving in Africa, then she will realise she is much better off as she is.
As another post said health is important.
These kinds of posts are just silly.

No, it's not silly. It's a fact that jealous kids especially adolescents and teens, do egregious things to other kids they are envious of. I remember a case where a jealous teen invited the girl she was jealous of to a party then the gang of girls burned her with cigarettes, poured things on her, and punched and kicked her, ripped her hair out in patches etc. Because she was jealous. People get abducted, sabotaged, stalked and injured and even murdered because of out of control jealous and emotional instability.

What is scary is that the educators have identified the risk this kid may pose if her jealous nature continues unabated. The parent needs to do all she can to get her daughter therapy.

That sounds pretty unbelievable. It's your dd perception. Doesn't mean it's reality

I dunno about this tbh. Seems like having it all written down what this girl has and she doesn't have in black and white could make her worse.

Kindly …….. are you a jealous person by nature? Just from reading your replies I’d say you are modelling some underlying jealousy traits and your daughter has learned these.

In your replies you said “this girl can do everything” and alluded to this girl “rubbing it in your daughters face”.

I’d be looking hard at the influence your own emotions are having on your daughter and how you can show her the right behaviours. Maybe worth reading Mel Robbins book “Let them”

I don't think she is envious. She seems to have a low self esteem and tends to compare herself to others. It's good that she is able to express her thoughts to you. You should help her build self esteem. Tell her she does not need to worry about how others do on her favourite or any subject. As long as she is putting in efforts, working hard, she would find success in the long term, even if it is not obvious now.
Praise her for her efforts in whatever she does. Efforts count as much as results do.

I agree with @TotallyForgettableForNow this is incredibly serious OP. I think your daughter needs proper psychiatric evaluation and care. How you access this and get your daughter to engage with it I have no idea. An awful and very difficult situation for you @cheshirecat2913.

Is she autistic OP? I am asking because all of these, considered together and in context, point that way:

Intense fixation on one specific peer, feeling compelled to 'defeat' her.
Rigid, black-and-white thinking ("if I'm not the best, I'm worthless").
Severe difficulties with emotional regulation, leading to jealousy, emotional meltdowns, and self-harm.
Significant social isolation and difficulties forming or maintaining friendships.
Extreme neediness, requiring constant reassurance and validation.
Difficulty handling perceived failure or lack of immediate success.
Self-worth heavily dependent on external validation, comparisons, and academic achievements.
Regularly detaches from reality through excessive gaming as an escape.
Strong internal distress despite external masking; appears compliant and empathetic outwardly but struggles internally.

Have you spoken to the school's SENCo?

I was going to say the same.
Too much focus on school. Find something, anything that she can do that takes her out of that environment.
For example, I've known kids who have never got a good part in the school play....go to out of school drama group and had loads of chances and loved it. Gave them a huge amount of confidence, especially in speaking up.
Another not great at group sports. Went to a climbing centre and learned bouldering. It gave them something else to think about and talk about. Distraction is really good in this case.

Your DD's situation reminds of me of that Wallace Simpson quote.. .You can never be too rich or too thin.... but I hated that idea and thought that there will always be someone who is thinner and richer than you... so why bother about it.

Maybe you could do some fun things with her at the weekend, does she like art? Music? Photography? Volunteer at local radio station or similar. Having lots of other interests that this girl she's fixating on doesn't do would make a big difference.

You can tell her not to compare herself to others until you are blue in the face, she will still do it. We all do to varying degrees.

I would get her involved in something outside of school. Something that’s her and against her. I know you said she doesn’t like physical stuff, but has she tried going to the gym? Lifting weights and getting stronger (in relative terms to where you have been) is a great method to bolster self esteem. It teaches patience, but rewards effort and consistency. I believe it’s becoming more popular amongst young women and girls and she doesn’t need to do it in a group. I may be way off target, so
apologies if I am, but it might be worth trying?

I think the key here is to get the message across to DD that she is causing her own misery.

People who constantly compare themselves to others tend to have a miserable life. They are never happy and their negativity pushes people away. Bitterness isn't something others like to be around.

She doesn't seem to understand that there will always be someone more intelligent/attractive/popular/rich etc than herself, throughout her whole life and that's normal. Have you pointed this out to her?

It sounds like she really needs that therapy. It doesn't really matter what DD thinks of her therapist and she shouldn't have an option to not attend.

She needs a lot of love but also a rude awakening, I think. Her view on the world is in no way realistic and she needs to know that.

This is a tough one, OP. I do feel for you. Push that therapy, if you can. Love on her a lot but make sure you deal her blunt truths and challenge her way of thinking head on.

Tip toeing around this is not going to help her.

Without help the daughter will move her fixation onto another person eventually either because one of the girls moved or the other girl is basically dragged down via the bitterness. Adults won’t take so kindly to people who behave this way as it tends to end up with stalker behaviours.

Copying everything and trying to insert themselves as better than to prove they are good enough. Not taking no for an answer when rejected by a partner or someone they wanted to be a partner. Blaming the new partner and becoming fixated on them and how to be better or prove they are better or bring them down.

It all spirals if left unchecked.