Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

Agree that MN cannot help as this family will need professional help. The dd is not engaging with that atm. @cheshirecat2913 I am wondering have you ever told her sharply and firmly that what she is doing is very wrong and she needs to stop it or are you always giving her a space to rant and complain about the girl in school? Have you mad it clear in a sharp and angry way that she is to stop this?

Along the lines of "I get that you're not a fan of Lucy, but you're wasting too much energy focusing on her. Your success is in your hands, not anyone else's. Not everyone can be popular, and that's perfectly fine. Most people aren't, and they still find their own happiness and their own group. We don’t act out of jealousy or try to bring others down. Stop comparing yourself, and start owning your own path. You need to take responsibility for your own actions."

or "If this behaviour doesn’t stop, I’ll have to take away your phone for a few days to help you reset and focus on what really matters. We don’t let jealousy take control, and you need to manage your emotions better. Our family doesn't stand for that sort of behaviour. Let’s turn this around, what went well today?"

or
"You have so many great things going for you right now, but obsessing over Lucy and being rude or aggressive will only hurt you. If this continues, it could lead to serious consequences, like getting expelled, and it definitely won’t make you popular or successful. If the behavior doesn’t stop, I’ll take away your phone for a few days. You need to focus on the positives and put your energy into building your own path. What went well today?"

Please don't pussyfoot around this issue with your dd because she has additional needs. If she isn't engaging with support services, you need to keep a very close eye on her and keep her busy with things that help her feel positive while making it damned clear that her attitude towards the girl is wrong and unacceptable.

Op I must commend you for your patience in the face of hard to hear responses. You are obviously really invested in helping your daughter which is a great first step. I agree with what few others have said: time to see a psychiatrist but one with expertise/experience with autism and adhd. And if you can one with a specialisation in women. Sounds too curated but they exist. One group I can think of is Berkely Pyschiatrists. They have a number of them specialised in women with adhd and autism.. So am sure there will be quite a few more if you google around. Good luck to you and your obviously bright daughter who just needs to find her journey in this life

That did strike me. If the school, which entails a bunch of qualified people who observe her DD's interactions with the other girl and other students say she could pose a risk to others the reaction surely should be how can we ensure she isn't a risk? Not oh that's silly. My perfectly perfectly obsessively jealous daughter couldn't possibly harm anyone in any way. With that attitude perhaps it's no wonder the daughter is not engaging with therapy

Kindly @cheshirecat2913 I think what you are seeking is beyond what many posters can give.

Your DD needs specialist help from a professional. You also need that help, so you can support your DD as she’s refusing to engage. Have you asked for support for yourself?

I feel like I have at least a degree of understanding because I also got strong obsessions with people.

Tbh I really disagree with the reframing. As a teen I would have seen this as dishonest. I think you need to meet her where she is. I struggled massively with CBT etc because it all felt like weird attempts to twist my thoughts. A lot of “reframing” can be similar. I’m not saying to just leave her and do nothing, but how she feels is how she feels, trying to pretend it’s anything else likely feels incredibly fake and just like another type of masking and pretence to her.

If the school has spoken to about your child as being a potential risk to another child then this should be taken seriously. Your daughter is a ticking time bomb. What would happen if this girl either made the a wrong remark or did something that your daughter wouldn't like?

Can you get her mental health assessed? Or considered a hospital stay? I know people with autism and ADHD and what you are describing is really next level and incredibly worrisome. If I were the mum of the other girl, I would be extremely concerned about the safeguarding of my child.

Also, maybe you should consider family therapy together with her as well. Your tone and use of phrases to describe this girl seem quite unhealthy.

🙄 I’m sure your anecdotal nonsense is very helpful…not!

@cheshirecat2913 OP, you need to ignore the majority of posters on this thread who clearly have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about and following their suggestions won’t be productive for you.

You need to speak with qualified and experienced professionals who understand Autism and teens and who can guide you both to a happier place.

I know plenty of autistic people, young and old, not one of them is envious or spiteful, on the contrary. This has nothing to do with her being neuro-diverse. The obsessing about something maybe but the negative, hateful aggressive feelings not, they're based on her personality, not her autism.

I understand why irks you. I guess I was trying to dismantle the idea that popularity and grades need to be a competition by focussing on more important things. I was the girl at school who excelled academically. For me understanding that grades and popularity didn't equal success helped me to stop seeing life as a competition. Everyone has different skills, different interests, talents etc. but values are the most important thing. If you want to be successful, liked etc. its not about trying to be better than anyone else, it starts with you. If you are kind, patient, humble, honest, resilient etc. If you act with integrity good things come your way.

Exactly. I wrote a lengthy post suggesting you need to rewire your responses yourself but it seems I just greatly wasted my time there because you haven't taken on any of the suggestions OP. Just keep telling us how she's jealous but not how you're trying to reset and adjust her expectations.

What have you taken out from this thread so far and what are you going to do going forward? just let her keep going on about the girl or are you actually going to try and abut her assertions and try to reframe them into something more positive?

Have you have told her sharply off for her nasty, petty, spiteful attitude after all this time? Or is it a case of listening, validating all her feeling and letting her go on and on and acting neutral? You as a parent are responsible for providing a moral compass, she's turning into the evil character here. Tell her she isn't acting nicely and that that negativity and spite will be visible to all. Simply tell her off, massively so. You are there to set boundaries, it sounds like you're being permissive. Judge her harshly, hopefully she'll get a sharp shock and snap out of it.

You're not trying as hard as you can to do anything but try not to upset your daughter. Being a loving supportive parent is not allowing your daughter to call the shots here or ride rough shod over you or anybody else, as you seem to be allowing her to do. Stop enabling this behaviour. Show a bit of courage. Go back to the school and have another chat, preferably without your daughter, and ask them how they propose you tackle it. She's 14. You haven't got much longer to sort this out. Remember how the school assessed her last time. You have to take it seriously if you genuinely want to help her. If you just want to go on wringing your hands and trying to get sympathy from people, ok, but remember you are not helping her.

I wouldn’t bother with the school counsellor as they’re unlikely to have anything useful to offer and I’m not surprised she’s unimpressed with them.

Could you pay privately for her to see a professional Psychologist? They will understand how her autistic brain works and will be able to help her learn to manage her feelings better so that she stops being overwhelmed by them.

You could also try some online support groups for Autistic teens. I’m in Ireland and my teen DS finds them very helpful, although I’m not sure what’s available in the UK.

What does dd want in terms of goals?

There's always someone better or smarter or prettier etc.

What would she like to do for a job or further study?

I would really want to know about this if I were the mother of the girl your daughter is targeting/obsessed with.

I find this very troubling OP.

But you're still playing along with this from last year? You're allowing her to continue dwelling on this and navel gazing?

At some point you need to say... "this is doing you no favours. It's well past time you stop focusing on X and start living your own life".

Shes 14 not a 6yr old and your pandering won't help her. Sometimes a bit of tough love to help kids is best.

She's massively over obsessing and tearing her down to you, and it sounds like you're allowing her to facilitate this.L

And did you just go along with this the same as you seem to bow to her greater knowledge of assessing other people?

Why on earth would she blow up at a girl whose done nothing to her? Obviously the school would have concerns.

Dd sounds very petty, immature, and not a very nice teenager. If YOU don't start to nip this in the bud then she's never going to form friendships, and interact well in life.

It's about this girl, but you say she has struggled with jealousy before. Jealousy, envy etc are normal parts of life. It's great that your daughter can name her feelings. I also think a competitive drive is not necessarily a terrible thing, certainly many of us like to 'win' and this drives us to be better. What you need to do is work with your daughter on how to manage her feelings and how in the long term to accept that in life, we cannot win everything. There will always be someone prettier, cleverer, more successful, richer, nicer, kinder family, healthier, gets the promotion when you don't etc. So setting her up to have a sense of self worth beyond this is vital. Realising that she is prone to jealousy, recognising it when it arises and having strategies to deal with it is essential, as we all have to have strategies to deal with our less-great tendencies.

And with every further message you are minimising and minimising further.

Your DD needs help. It's your job to have a clear eye and provide it.

OP- honestly I think you also need some help or some perspective. You are deep in denial.

There is absolutely no way a school would identify your child as being a potential risk to another child if all it was that she was afraid of blowing up out of envy and it was something a teacher could jolly her out of- which is what you seem to be implying.

The girl isn’t rubbing anything in her face, you both sound as awful as each other now.

In your opening post you said DD was jealous of other people for a long long time so it isn’t just this one girl is it?

She doesn’t sound kind or empathetic in the slightest. Talking about taking down another girl simply for being good at things, where is the empathy and kindness there? The arrogant way she thinks she has the right to criticise the therapist not being good at her job - she’s showing complete lack of respect and the opposite of what you describe.

And you claim she doesn’t show her feelings towards this girl and holds it all in….then why have the school noted a cause of concern?

OP you are massively in denial here and not doing DD any favours.