Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

Great post - really enlightening

I’m really sorry to hear that your DD is struggling. I relate - I was insanely jealous of a girl at my secondary school who seemed to find everything easy and be picked for every award/treat/date, etc. It’s a horrid feeling.
I think as a mother there are a few things you can try:

• if I were you, I wouldn’t try to reassure her (as she will push against it), but I would say really simple things along the lines of, “I love you just the way you are”
• I think I would maybe also share my experience of being jealous with something like “I now realise I was focusing so much on her that I could only see good in her and not in me”
• I would be really curious about what it is she is most jealous of (again, without reassurance or saying anything like, “but you’re good at that”). Is it that this girl gets a lot of attention or accolades or the best grades/ what would it mean to her to get those things?…. What does she most want that this girl ‘has’? I think once I had established that, I would then try to empathise with her… “you would love to feel really wanted” (or whatever it may be). Then you can maybe link it to what she has experienced in her life.

what is your relationship like with your DD? I’m wondering if she might engage better in therapy if you were to go along with her if therapist agreed?

My DC is an all rounder type of kid - she is good academically, sporty, has good friends. Another girl in her class who sounds a lot like your daughter, has built up some sort of resentment towards my DC. She joined the same sports group and stands very very close to her all the time. My DC ends up walking away, pretends to drop items, anything to move away but the other girl follows her around all the time.

It is the same in class. For a long time the girl muttered things when my DC was nearby. But recently it has escalated and the other girl has started to say quite awful things to her and in front of others, almost like she can't help herself.

The girl is obviously very troubled, I'm not sure she has the best home life but I am aware that her parents encourage her competitiveness towards my DC. The girl's mother recently filmed my daughter playing sport.

I find it disturbing and very uncomfortable as does my DC.

Your DD's behaviour needs to be addressed properly. It won't just stop. And a good way is to minimise contact between your DD and this other girl as much as possible. Can you speak to her school and arrange for her to be put in a different classroom?

@cheshirecat2913 I knew your DD was going to be ND, it stood out a mile from your description of low self-esteem and her fixation with this girl.

Teen years are bloody hard for anyone but they can be excruciating for ND teens. Self-harm and self-esteem issues are sadly really common so it's good that you've got a heads-up on this.

Your DD sounds fixated on this girl and her achievements, and she also sounds quite demand-avoidant, plus the usual black-and-white thinking.

As an autistic/ADHD woman myself, I know if I believe a professional (in any industry) isn't up to scratch, then I'm not willing to waste my time. That sounds a lot like your daughter.

The problem is that many of us ND folk tend to make up our minds quite firmly, and it's difficult to change it. When you throw in the immaturity of the teen years and the typical teen belief that they know more than the adults, it's a tricky combination.

Allowing your child to feel as if they are in control can be useful. Could you come up with a list of private counsellors/pschologists with experience in autism/ADHD and asking your DD to pick one? Standard CBT often is of limited use with ND folk, so experience with neurodivergence is vital. I have heard that DBT can help but I don't know much about it.

ND can sometimes create an all or nothing mentality, where if you can't be the absolute best, it can feel like it's not worth the effort. That's not a healthy mindset but it can often be the default.

Sometimes it's because ND people spend their lives feeling like an imposter, an outsider, and not quite as good as everyone else. So when someone is CLEARLY much better than you, especially in areas you're passionate about, it can be yet more "proof" that you're just not good enough.

Self esteem is at the core of this issue. Ideally you'd remove your DD from any environment with this girl because distraction can be key. But it doesn't sound as if you have that option?

Does your DD have access to fellow ND teens? Joining a group might be really helpful.

Also, have you considered what kind of language you use about yourself? Are you critical of yourself? Do you celebrate your own victories and uniqueness? Our DC often pick up attitudes from us, and having the attitude that actually you're pretty magnificent can help her to absorb the message. It's hard to describe in writing, it's not about being arrogant, it's about loving yourself for who you are, and celebrating your own uniqueness.

Directing your DD's gaze to a new fixation might be the answer while simultaneously boosting her self-esteem. Can you think of any ways that you can do this that would be meaningful to her? If she's obsessing/uber-fixated on a shiny new subject, she might be less interested in beating this other girl.

Good.

You’ve had some tough comments on this thread op.

Well done for keeping your cool on here in your quest to help your DD.

I think you need the support of some professional help with her. It’s a lot to deal with when she has diagnoses but isn’t accepting the school support or the meds.

On the medication- could she join a group for adhd kids

my dd takes meds and the big issue we have is appetite suppression and I’ve never heard of vomiting (and she’s never had it)

dd does benefit from speaking to others with adhd as it makes her feel more ‘normal’

Is your daughter planning to be a bully? If so, nip it in the bud.

There have been some studies about children who are nice to other children - try to get on with everyone regardless

they were eventually the more popular children

what you give out you get back

She could be a lesbian with a massive crush it might not even be jealousy. Also ‘concern to others’ is abit deep.

An old boss of mine gave me some sage advice years ago 'make it your business to get on with people, even if you don't particularly like them. It will make your life a hell of a lot easier'

At the time I thought it was a stupid comment. 25 years later I realise just how important it was. I tell it to my son regularly.

Of course no one is saying make friends with people you don't get on with but in some situations - work, school etc it's important to just try and get on with people.

Maybe teach it to your daughter. Tolerance instead of jealousy and bitterness. but we learn what we see every day. does see you being bitter and jealous and calling people.

Would she be surprised to learn that miss perfect has adhd and takes her meds?

She feels jealous because she is holding herself up to others that she perceives as better. That's not a battle she is going to win. Whenever you compare yourself to someone else (when your confidence is low) you only see the best in them and the worst in yourself. It's really hard but she needs to accept who she is and be happy in that. When you are no longer negatively comparing yourself to others you begin to see what your true strengths are. Also 14 is the age of prime insecurity for girls which won't help.

I can see where you’re coming from, but a word of warning about this from a tutor. It sounds like OP’s daughter can be quite oppositional (e.g. saying her counsellor can’t do her job properly, resisting the process). Like counselling, tutoring won’t work if she takes that attitude, and the tutor is unlikely to put up with it. There’s a lot of work out there so tutors don’t have to take jobs where they’re spending more time on discipline than teaching.

I’m so sorry, that sounds tough. You can let your daughter know I was an outstanding student, popular with the cool people, and extremely beautiful. I am now middle of the middle in everything. Those I know with the greatest success were average at school and have blossomed in adulthood x

I really hope you can get the help your DD needs. To help her feel better about herself. Especially if she has her GCSEs coming up next year.
Is it worth getting a tutor as you state your DD is very bright but struggles with tests. This could help give her a boost with her grades might even help her score better!

I was the same as you not very good at things, but the way to beat it is to do the opposite of what they do. So they know somethings and you know the other the opposite of them ,remember that they are not good at everything that's what you learned in college. So don't worry you will win over them. Don't let it disturb your concentration for other things. And your mum will still be proud of you she loves you prove them wrong. Go for it you have nothing to loose.

I like this idea. I had no confidence and zero self esteem as a teen, but if my Mum had done this with me, it would have really helped.

Have you spoken to the autism team? They might be able to approach the situation from a different direction.

I'd suggest to your DD that a lot of people seem really happy on the outside and to other people but, sometimes, it's because they have GOT to be good at everything because that's their way of coping. Get her to do a list of the good things in her life, right down to having a home where she can relax. Then list what shes unhappy about and WHY, does she really want to be the best at everything, because when your the best the only way is down. Then work on ONE thing she wants to be better at and decide if it would really make her happier, honestly make her happier.

As the mother of one of those seemingly ‘perfect’ children, please please don’t ever allow your daughter to be mean to the other girl. My youngest son has suffered so much with jealousy from so-called friends because on face value he is good at everything, top of the class academically, gifted in sports, is musical with perfect pitch, very kind, a great leader and role
model and is confident and popular. However life isn’t easy when you constantly have a few jealous peers sniping at you and trying to ‘defeat’ you or hoping that you will fail.

As I say, people always assume my son is great at everything but he can’t draw for toffee and is rubbish at art - no-one is ever good at absolutely everything but nor is life a competition. I always tell him to just be extra kind to those who are being nasty because of jealousy, and to not enter into any conversations where people are comparing themselves with him - it’s only going to end in one or both of them being sad. Can you encourage your daughter to be friendlier to this other girl and to see her as a person rather than as some sort of standard to which your daughter wants to meet or exceed?

FWIW my older son is just as successful academically and in sports but he is shy and so no-one ever notices him - neither situation is great to be honest as one goes unnoticed by teachers and coaches, and the other gets noticed all the time but attracts jealousy. Luckily my boys have a good relationship with each other and also both have lovely groups of friends.

Will she do outside groups - not sport related one - girl guide, music, acting - science based it depends on what your area has - so there is more than school.

We've found that beneficial with our kids when schools not been great - though at 14 you do need her to at least be open to trying it.

My DC especially younger two can get "stuck" on a situation - and we do end up like a broken record trying to move them past it - obviously you do sympathy and practical suggestions first but with both we have reached the well you have x weeks left there - you won't know these people after x date - or try and refocus them on their goals - and what do you need what can you do to get a better mark - or change situation.

It doesn't sound like the other girl is doing anything but existing - so you do really need to change your mindset and your DD that the girl is the problem - she's clearly not and this could just go on and on with next person in the "problem hole" she currently has.