Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

My kid went to school with a girl like this. They were never jealous but sometimes vented that it was difficult because she was super-nice as well.

I was recently at a party and mentioned this to the girl's Mum (it's been over five years since they went to school together!). The Mum refreshingly turned around and said, "I know, she annoys us too sometimes!" And burst out laughing.

Your DD needs to learn that some people seem to lead a gilded life and there's nothing you can do about it. I remember one year someone busting a gut to try and be top in Geography. I didn't pay any attention in class that year but still ended up top. I was top in every subject that year. I felt truly terrible because I wouldn't have cared about being bottom and it really meant something to him so I do understand how she feels. When I changed schools for A-level I suddenly wasn't top anymore and I had to learn that you need to focus on being the best you can be as you.

It's difficult with ND because you want to be perfect but it's important to realise you can't be perfect at everything. And as my DS said... "it's difficult being special but not special". It's really tricky being ND but just average at things. People expect you to be a genius and maybe academically you're just average at things. The problem is with the ND brain, you are intelligent enough to be dissatisfied with being average.

You need to focus on why she's funny, and clever and talented and stop letting her compare herself to others.

It’s just a device to help Dd deal with her own feelings for goodness sake !!

Yes, I struggle to see how this is a ‘positive spin’ at all. It makes some pretty questionable assumptions about the girl and also essentially entrenches the idea that her ‘failure’ is an outcome to be desired. The solution to this rests in moving away from comparison altogether so that OP’s daughter can learn to derive her personal value from self improvement at least as much as competition. At the moment she’s basing her value too little on the former and far too much on the latter.

Its great that your daughter has been open with you. qther than let this fester.
In this life there may always be someone 'better' at everything.. what's important is your trust in your own value to anything.. respecting your own mind and opinions and process.. to work on your own self-esteem.
Perhaps private tutoring in subjects/ activities she enjoys would boost her abilities and confidence?
Saying that some people are built got sports.some for mathematics. Some are creative, and some are less so
What are your daughters' true strengths.. is she kind or brave, etc... Would she gain self-respect supporting groups out of school?
This is quite a hard one and is to a point a hard life lesson that will only be learnt when she begins to truly value herself.

It’s a really odd assumption that a child who is successful and appears “blessed” is not learning resilience through adversity. At the very least she is having to deal with being the lightning rod for others’ insecurities. It is likely that there is some effort involved in performing successfully and no one knows what the impact of being talked about is on her or anything else she may be experiencing in her life. It’s not a helpful mindset imho

It's quite normal to feel envious of high achievers, particularly for teens when lots of things they participate in are competitive.

Clearly it's more complex than this (given your daughter's diagnoses), but it might be worth telling her @cheshirecat2913 that most people feel envy at one point or another (and the feelings can be quite intense). It's perfectly normal. If she's been beating herself as some sort of awful outlier, and for a prolonged period, then her self esteem will be on the ropes.

Does she use a lot of social media? Is she looking at this girl online?

It’s unfortunately your job as a mother to guide your daughter, yous message has focused on the ‘other girl’ a lot. Which leads me to think you sound a bit jealous too…..’ has a family, is good at everything…..’ bla bla…. That’s absolutely irrelevant. Find something your daughter loves doing, and encourage her to find her own happiness in hobbies and things. You also need to teach your daughter everyone is different. Can I ask does she have social media??? If so take it off her…. It is not good for young kids.

Hi OP,

I have nurtured my own daughter through much the same concerns and feelings.

Young Minds is an excellent resource. Please check out their website.

Praise her for confiding in you. Reassure her that you see her, hear her, and will do your best to understand her. Let her know that you will always be there to listen to her, and she can tell you anything, anytime.

I found this on the web and it seems very helpful.

"Model and encourage self-compassion. Be kind to yourself.
Teens learn by observing, so model self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, even when facing challenges.

Validate her emotions. Encourage her to pause and validate her emotions to stop engaging in negative self-talk.

Practice self-care by encouraging healthy habits like exercise, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, as these can positively impact mood and self-esteem.

Help her view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than as failures.
Praise effort and perseverance rather than solely focusing on outcomes. Encourage journaling as a way to explore thoughts and feelings, fostering self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Help your teen set achievable goals, both academically and personally. Encourage breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. Acknowledge and celebrate her successes, and milestones, reinforcing her sense of accomplishment.

Foster positive self-talk and affirmations. Encourage her to practice positive self-talk and affirmations. Help her identify and acknowledge her strengths and positive qualities. Challenge negative thoughts. Help her recognize and challenge negative self-talk.

Encourage hobbies and extracurricular activities to explore her interests and passions.
Participating in activities can help teens develop new skills and build confidence. Extracurricular activities can foster a sense of belonging and community.

Promote assertiveness and teach her those skills. Get her to learn to express her needs and opinions respectfully, while also respecting the needs of others. Assertiveness can help her feel empowered and it builds self-esteem. It can help teens establish and maintain healthy boundaries in their relationships."

Teach her that she is worthy just as she is. Look at the website of Jamie Kern Lima, the author of a book called Worthy. She does podcasts too.

Help her to notice that comparing herself to anyone else is unhealthy and detrimental to herself. She needs to be her own best friend.

I hope all this helps, because I know how painful parenting in these situations is. You've got this Mama!

See if she can’t speak with people who take them

tbh my dd finds them to be a sticking plaster more than anything else and the side effects of the first she was on were dreadful so I wouldn’t rush to them before trying other things given her resistance

You should say “Ah yes but this girl isn’t developing resilience through adversity. The day will come possibly when she fails or something goes wrong in her life and she might well crumble- you however are building character and perseverance. I am especially proud of you for this”. In other words, give the situation a positive spin.

Not quite good enough? 😕

Surely we teach our teenagers autonomy, and that they're in control of what goes in their body. As an autistic teen, the OP's DD is likely to have particular issues with feeling out of control - it's extremely common for ND people.

Fear of vomiting is a perfectly understandable reason. There's plenty of adults who are terrified of vomiting too.

As it happens, I get REALLY anxious about taking new medication - once it's in you, there's no escaping whatever is going to occur, and that's not a very nice thought if you happen to have a bad reaction to the medication.

Many ADHD drugs are pretty potent which is why they can't be easily prescribed and side effects aren't uncommon. I completely agree that it's a great idea to explore alternatives and to try and find a way that could help the OP's DD give them a try, as they often are life-changing. But I don't think dismissing her concerns is the right way forward.

My DD was the same. She had few friends, was always very awkward socially etc. She’s in her mid 20s now, just about to finish an undergrad degree and has really started to come into her own now.

She still doesn’t have many friends but the ones she has make up for the lack of numbers. Maybe try and help her to find something she can do outside of school that will give her different opportunities to the other girl? Guides/scouts/creative writing/film making/drama classes/boxing etc are all great places to do things which are a bit different and can help with someone’s self esteem.

Good luck, I know it’s awful to watch them struggle like this but she’ll find her people and place in the world eventually

As parent, you might want to research options and side effects. Her excuse is not quite good enough because she has not actually tried it, and then vomited.

There are several different medications, and doses and types of tablets.

She could try them while on break from school so doesn’t vomit in front of peers …. If she in fact, vomits.

I think it’s not jealousy - it’s envy, this girl has the ‘life’ that Dd would,as it looks on the outside really want.
Envy can be turned into a really good motivator - you can’t always be the BEST at something but you can always be your personal best, the qualities your daughter admires in this girl can switched to her own desires.
self belief,self love and self esteem are brilliant attributes and it seems your dd needs a massive boost to these - and as shallow as it appears to us adults you can boost these up with material things - so, over the next few months slowly and secretly indulge her and encourage her, maybe take her for a hair cut, get her brows shaped give her a pedicure …. Help her look her best.
Find a hobby that she will enjoy, maybe join a youth club or a class to make friends outside of that envy situation - where your dd is ‘new’ and effectively a fresh start, praise her a lot (but not falsely).

A few years ago a friend I knew from school approached me at my sons school where her daughter also attended and told me her daughter was having a difficult time and when she spoke to her,the little girl had said how sad she felt at having no friends and things - my friend asked me if I would speak to her because at school I struggled too I was the poor scruffy kid who no one really cared about, I never had the trendy stuff or was popular- certainly no boys in my year fancied me.
I spoke to the lovely little girl and she couldn’t believe it - because I’m so very different now, that was MY hard time and it won’t always be like that- now I’m older and I still speak to lots of people from school who weren’t really friendly with me at school but we’ve all kind of grown into each other.
I also now volunteer as a mentor and my mentee has literally blossomed with the encouragement and you know the self belief I pour into her x

Parents may be more involved with a ND teenager sometimes, it doesn’t mean she isn’t bright enough for the school. My parents “helped” me at times in the sense of supporting me and scaffolding, which I definitely appreciated as I would tend to panic and lose focus or go down a side alley! But I definitely had the academic strength to achieve at the highest level, and proved it with exam results, uni entrance, further achievements at uni, etc. It’s the relative immaturity of the ND teen that can lead to more support from a parent.

@cheshirecat2913 I recently watched a video by a psychologist. She was talking to a young person who said their anxiety was so bad they sometimes couldn't leave the house.

Her advice was to get up in the morning dont make a sound or say a word, go about your normal morning routine then stop and look yourself in the mirror - eye looking into eye so you see yourself. Then after 8 seconds or so raise your right hand and give yourself a hi 5 in the mirror. At this point you might smile laugh or grimace but its important not to say anything.

Once you're done go about your normal day.

This immediately starts to reprogramme those negative thoughts about yourself. After 2 weeks you will feel differently about yourself. Carry on doing this everyday.

Low self esteem appears in many forms. Writing yourself off having compared yourself to someone you perceive better is one way it presents.

Please get your daughter to recognise herself and her worth by employing this daily ritual.

BTW I dont lack self esteem etc, but I tried it and it works even if you think you're already confident and like yourself.

Good luck.

No that’s fine, it wasn’t a dig. I’m just thinking that if OP’s daughter was to start receiving tuition only for it to not work out because she’s giving the tutor more hassle than it’s worth, she might internalise that as another ‘failure’, and that sounds like the last thing she or her mum need right now.

So much to unpack in this really thoughtful post from @SpidersAreShitheads

That sounds like great advice. But it takes two to tango, so if the other person is being difficult, there's only so much impact your positive outlook can make.

Soory I missed the bit about her saying counsellor can't do her job.

I am from the other side of the fence with a DD who is both very academic sporty and creative art her worst subject in her opinion and lowest grade she still got 7s. She has been bullied for doing better than classmates for years.

Reading this with interest. Hopefully you can get her to take the meds, with enough reassurance.
I went to school with a lot of high flying children. I was not a high flyer and one girl in particular was brilliant at everything I enjoyed- even at my outside of school interests - singing at choir- she would get all the solos. Acting - she would get the main parts. Even sewing! She’s still a brilliant high flyer now.
And I am still not. It was impossible not to feel jealous and cross about it. (I wanted a main part- just once!) What saved me was being able to develop the habit of enjoying and noticing the silly things, the small things, the funny things and make - for example- my lunch extra nice for myself or spend time just chilling and listening to music. Basically learning to relax (which was very hard at first) Also reading. reading saved me in high school!
If she writes and enjoys it then there’s definitely a window for her. Part of learning to be a good writer is to just write - uncritically - about whatever you want. Get the words out. Don’t share it. Other, better writing comes later.

This sounds very tough. Is it worth having a think if the conversations around her about other people are positive. Make sure that she doesn’t hear you or others picking people apart or hearing jealousy etc.
Obviously I’m sure you’re not doing this but it may help to be aware. I remember reading something that says to stop your child from seeking attention from others or being jealous, you must raise them to feel good and complete within themselves and I think that is so true.

Like others have said I would get her in some clubs. Maybe ask school about things she can do at school to distract herself. X

Perhaps she is in the wrong school for her and she is feeling too much pressure. In secondary they are meant to be more independent. I never help dd out with her work (year 8) and she does everything on her own. I don't even know what homework she has or how she does it (she sorts out when she does her work herself). She is at an academically selective school and all the girls are bright. But they are meant to get on with it themselves. I only know if she forgot to do something if I get a notification for this (they are strict, so if something is not done they get a conduct concern and we are notified, but this teaches them fast to remember everything and be on top of things). If you are having to help her with her academics and she is struggling otherwise, I would think about transferring to another less academic school, where she might feel less pressure and be happier.