Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

No the girl isn't doing anything like that she is winding OP's dd up purely by existing, being talented and popular.

That sounds really difficult and surely must contribute to her feelings. Are there no slightly alternative like minded girls at her school? What about boys? It comes cross as if the girl your dd is obsessing about is the polar opposite of your dd. Maybe your dd doesn't want to be emo and maybe she would like to have a 'clean' fashion sense but is doing the opposite for fear of never being to get it quite right. How old is your dd? Is she mostly through puberty? If not, it's likely things will settle down when she is. She could consider going to a new 6th form and reinvent herself if sh egress the right mental health support.

Yeah…. Like is the girl bullying your daughter? The OP post hasn’t been made very clear.

I'm sorry you and she are going through this. I just came to say being an only child is not a bad/negative thing. Hugs. xxx

@cheshirecat2913 I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so it may have been mentioned before. On another thread I was recommended "hidden potential" by Adam Grant and it sounds like it could inspire your daughter. The author talks about how many people who go on to achieve amazing things are seen as pretty average but it's work ethic and adaptability that really matter.

Just make sure your DD doesn’t join a sports club that the girl she is jealous of , belongs to…..

Tbh your DD needs professional help. You have been told as much by the school. It’s way past trying to manage yourself.

I think it’s an important life skill, in fact.

Sport is fantastic for building general resilience and inner confidence

Or help your DD to find something else she's good at

As we go through life, there will always be people who are richer / more attractive / doing better in careers etc. It takes self confidence and maturity to feel OK about that

So does your dd not have social media or does she have social media and has blocked the girl everywhere. If she has social media and has blocked the girl, the other girls in their peer group will pick up on your dd's behaviour and it will be gossiped about endlessly. It's a minefield. You say your dd has a more alternative style, does she have friends who do too? Everything is easier with a friend or 2 who like you for who you are.

As pp have said, it’s the wrong device as it reinforces competition and suggests that the failure of the other child is a desired outcome. It’s doubling down on the unhelpful mindset.

I think that’s really wise, OP.

That totally makes sense, OP. It sounds like she feels a need to define herself against the others. I have some understanding of that… similarly, I dressed and presented myself very differently to the norm among my peers when I was your DD’s age. It didn’t mean I felt no envy of them, even though I at the same time, on one level, disliked their style and found it basic… Not sure if that makes sense! My feelings were quite complicated. I took pride in being different and “special” but it also meant I stood out in a bad way to some extent.

I’m not saying that’s exactly the same as your DD, of course, but some of what you mention made me think of it. I really hope things improve for you both. Some of the responses on this thread made me quite sad as they were so critical of her and don’t show much empathy.

This is the comment that I was looking for.
The jealous spirit needs to be nipped in the bud. However, I am not sure that the home environment is conjusive to that.
And yes, I would say "jealous" rather than "envious" due to the OP's daughter being obssessed with the one girl and not being motivated to improve her outcomes in any way.

I only hope that the other girl has no inkling about a girl that the school feels is a danger to others and the OP's minimisation of that.

She seems to be getting alot of attention by displaying this behaviour , maybe direct her attention to something else, talk about other things, as soon as she starts the conversation!!

I'd suggest you find her something else she can do outside school, if possible - something that she can fit into at age 14 (scouts? guides? youth club? an art club? something local she can volunteer at like a boat lace or dog shelter? a language conversation class to support her school language? a part time job doing something that she enjoys at least a bit?) so this school situation isn't her only focus and might not feel so overwhelming to her, and so she can meet new people. I suppose also reminding her that there is always someone like that in any scenario and, you could ask her to think about other people in the class and reassure her that everybody around her isn't perfect. If she's talking to you about it rather than keeping it to herself, that's one good thing, but it will probably take a lot of careful, separate interventions to help her to feel happier. I would also try just spending time with her and trying to slip in quiet compliments when she is particularly observant or thoughtful or clever. I really hope she starts to feel better about herself soon.

This in absolute spades !!

Is the girl actually doing anything wrong, other than being good at things?
I don't think that is thr same as rubbing it in your daughters face.

At home as a family you need to work on building her self-esteem

She needs to to go out and touch grass. All very dramatic. Maybe it is time for her to start some volunterring work, maybe it special needs achools etc and get a taste of life and real life issues. Maybe charity work and community youth work so she can appreciate her position in life is much better then a lot of others.

Another thought, OP… I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of “that girl”? It’s a social media thing, mainly TikTok. Even if your DD doesn’t use much social media, she may have become familiar with this idea through school and others talking about it. It basically means, to sum it up imperfectly, the girl who just has “it”, the girl who is “together”, the girl people want to be, the girl who turns heads (not necessarily because she is the most stunningly beautiful), the girl whose life is going right, and various other nebulous ideas like that all at once. It’s such a thing on TikTok that I’d say girls in your DD’s school are bound to be familiar with it.

I’m definitely not saying this is the origin of how she feels, but I wonder if it could be an additional contributing factor. It encourages girls to look at one particular girl as aspirational and “ideal”. No surprise that tiktokers like it because it feeds influencer culture (which makes money for them). But for young girls it of course encourages envy rather than healthier understanding of their peers.

I think many people on this thread would be horrified by my next suggestion but one option (alongside continuing to look into professional support for DD) might be concretely exploring ways to better her situation. I mean for example, anything she doesn’t like about her life aside from this girl, that is fixable, can you fix it? Does she like her room? Would she like it to be redone to be more grown up? Does she want braces to get perfect teeth? Does she have good skin? Does she have the clothes she wants? I understand most people might see this as rewarding her for bad behaviour, but I don’t mean it like that. I see it more as allowing her to have facets of her life that she does feel in control of and feels good about.