Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

• The only thing that matters is whether she is getting better at her studies/skills/behaviours. How are these tracked and encouraged ? It has to be 100% about her progress and not anyone else's. It's really important she understands this, as the answer is not for her to be better than everyone else. It's to be better than she was the month/year before.
• Have a good think about who in her life has made her feel that her value is in her achievements. Parents, grandparents, a teacher she particularly admires? It's come from somewhere. Root it out and talk about it , and get it to stop or her to be able to ignore it
• Her value to you, her family, is who she is as a person. Her uniqueness and the single one of her that arrived when she was born. Focus a lot on her qualities, her character, her personality. You love the way her hair goes behind her ears and the funny way she has of peeling a satsuma etc. There should be no indication at all that your love, approval, and value comes from anything but these things. Her successes at school , especially ones that are in comparison to others like school prizes, are incidental.

The school thinks that she's a potential threat because of her jealousy and you think this is "silly"?

Your daughter sounds fixated with a stalker type mentality to me. Very unhealthy

And she didn't like her Counsellor because of her clothes? The way the counsellor looked?

Dear me!

I'd take your daughters feelings seriously and get her some help

I agree. I don’t think I would be brushing it off as lightly as you are.

I had this with a girl at my school. We were in the same class from 5 to 18.
My advice would be never to ask about this girl's grades, or make positive comments about her.
Also try and find some activities that the girl is not involved in so that your daughter can learn other skills and build other friendships. Explorer Scouts may be one idea or a sport such as kayaking or other watersport.

Do you tend to praise her for achievement?

perhaps turn it round and praise her for the effort but also for the personality traits. Eg she helped someone understand something in maths deserves praise but getting top mark in a test doesn’t in the same way

She sees nothing untoward in her thought process so she isn't going to benefit from therapy. It's interesting that she's chosen to doubt the counsellor's professional competence. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that happened when she was challenged in therapy.

If she is self aware and able to self reflect then she needs to consider what the jealousy is achieving. The answer will be nothing good and she is negatively impacting herself.

What would happen if this girl left the school? your dd would now be top of everything at the school - but that girl is still out there being ‘better’ than her along with many other girls no doubt.

if she is a logical person work through her feelings and their rationality and their impact

Jealousy is more of an unpicking where it comes from, rather than squashing it. You need to work with her to see comparing herself is futile. Look at the incel culture of men comparing themselves to other men and where that has gone. No one wins. It is part of life to feel driven by other's success for many people, but to harbour grudges about the people who succeed is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.

And then what happens when she moves school and fixates on the next popular, high achiever?

Yikes. That’s actually quite a damning label.

i think @frozendaisy is right that you need to look at your own behaviour and comments about achievements of others. It’s deeper than a simple statement: I’m jealous of her.
Does your daughter get enough praise from wider family? IMO it’s really good to have wider range of people praising you. It gives you better satisfaction. If it’s only mum at home it’s not so effective.

Well, could she move to another school?

Why is the other girl responsible for your daughter's abilities or lack of.

The fact the school has said she's a concern to others is alarming. As is your dismissive attitude to the comment.

Time to have a sit down chat about why she's fixating on another child. Both with her and the school. Fixation can be a sign for other things.

Also this isn't just down to the school to 'fix'. You say the school don't do anything yet you don't seem to be intervening just expecting them to take all the action. Their first action will be to approach you because until you take the concern seriously they are limited in how much they can do until there is an incident.

'Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort.'

You might not realise it but you may have given your daughter the foundation to feel this way!

'You now the sort' is a horrible way to describe a child and indicates that you may have jealous traits.

Your daughter needs to focus on her own self esteem and accept that there will always be prettier girls, higher achievement girls but her personal journey is to make her own light shine as brightly as it can and not worry that she can't outshine others .

Counselling may be a way to achieve this if you think that her feelings are more than a passing phase.

All the more reason for her to build a life outside school and outside of just being academic

(And I say that as an academic high flier who is the mum of a ln academic high flier and a child with SEN, both of them benefit from hobbies)

That’s really, really concerning.

She needs help. Her self esteem is rock bottom, and she can’t cope with anyone being “better” than her. She wants to “defeat” the person she perceives to be. School already consider her a risk to others; and you’re downplaying it as silly.

This is serious.

What would you like them to do about it?

Move schools ? She sounds mentally unwell.

I would definitely see if your daughter would engage in counselling as otherwise this will follow her through to adulthood.
Does your daughter identify that she is jealous ie is self aware of her feelings or does she focus on 'that girl who is better than me'?

Does she enjoy it? Could she get into am dram and do performing? The feeling of being part of a show is second to none. I chaperone for my daughter's shows now and it's brought her closer together and her show family feel like family

Or do lamda qualifications? My daughter gets such a buzz from doing these.

Or could she take up dance as well? My daughter's dance school does teen dance classes for teens who want to take up dance and it goes well with performing?

Or singing lessons /a choir. Again, singing is so good for wellbeing and goes well with performing

The problem is that her self esteem is tied up in being ‘clever’ and the best and that’s what you need to work on.

as a pp said, university is when this can all come crashing down and she really needs that resilience and understanding well before then

being academic at school is meaningless in the real world. That’s why I suggest you focus on where she wants to be as an adult

my dd (similar age) isn’t particularly academic but has incredible soft skills (total opposite of me!). She has an idea of what she wants to do as an adult and she’s mapped out how to get there and what she needs to work for in her exams to achieve that

I’d also say that the least popular kids in her year are the clever kids who are always comparing their grades (so they can show off) or getting upset because they only got 95%. So when you say she doesn’t make friends easily - maybe she should consider how she makes others feel and reflect on that

I think it sounds pretty serious, OP.
A lot of teenager girls are struggling with their confidence but this is quite a higher level.