Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

This sounds like a personality disorder to me. Does anyone else in your family have these unpleasant traits OP?

I would focus on distracting her as PP have suggested, keep her busy elsewhere so this jealousy doesn’t consume her to the extent she acts on it.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Someone who is better looking/academically better/richer may have stuff going on you know nothing about. In 10 years time they may be dead/homeless. You can only worry about yourself. Spending time envying others is futile. But you can use it a springboard to improve yourself.

Will this get worse when she is an adult?

It sounds like your DD has some deep-rooted issues around being "the best" that she needs to unpick before it ends in disaster.

You seem very dismissive of the schools concerns as well, which is also worrying.

There was a girl that fixated on my dd in this way. It was actually very disturbing.

OP, you seem to have dismissed the school's safeguarding concerns as "silly" and you seem to have accepted your dd's decision to disengage from the counselling. I'm just wondering what you think needs to happen next to help your dd get over this?

What are you doing to work on her low self esteem? And how are you currently attempting to challenge her thought processes?

I work in academia and I like to remember the quote "Everyone here is smart, distinguish yourself by being kind". Because it's ultimately our character that is important in life, how we treat others, how we deal with life's ups and downs. There will always be those who know more, have more, can do more etc. In life we have to play the cards we're dealt. I'm fortunate to have friends that I've had since primary school - so I've known them and their families for 40 years now. We've all had successes and happy times in our lives - but also some awful times. It's only in the past few years that I've sadly come to truly understand the analogy of life being a rollercoaster for everyone. For young people that can be hard to understand, especially if they are only seeing a curated, select snapshot of someone's life on social media.

It is difficult, but your daughter needs to realise that - in school at least - all she can do is HER best. The only person she's competing against is herself. School isn't a competitive sport.

This is a brilliant post - people forever compare themselves with the people who are better off and never bother to look at those who are worse off. Exactly this.

OP you may wish to have this moved to maybe the Relationships board.

I think you've made a start by posting here, you've recognised it's not OK.

You're getting heat here for saying it's "silly" but I'm sure you know it's more than that, hence you posting.

I would suggest your daughter needs to find her own 'thing'

eg Phab Club https://phab.org.uk/
Young Farmers https://www.nfyfc.org.uk/
Fire Cadets (see local fire brigade website)

that kind of thing, where it's something she can learn new skills away from school and make new friends

The problem is that jealousy eats away at people and stops them being their best because everything is about others.

MIL was best at school. Head Girl, went to uni in 1954, captain of the sports teams. Her life panned out to be very mediocre and she became quite bitter.

When I was at school there were a couple of golden girls. Always in the top three, real Hilary Wentworth types (Twins at St Claires), popular with pupils and staff, sporty, musical, became Head Girl/Deputy Head girl. They didn't carry on achieving, they gravitated back to their provincial home town and never set the world on fire. One would have thought they were the leaders of tomorrow. The quiet, mousy girl who went into nursing because she thought medicine was too demanding fkr her is now the CEO of a major Health Trust.

The perfect Penny's at school rarely extrapolate to the most exceptional after school.

The thing that is deeply wrong with the UK education system is that the traits for school success are not the same as the traits for successful lives and I think those who remember their school days as their happiest have led pretty boring lives afterwards.

She might need some counselling but actually I think she needs an enormous kick up the backside and needs to learn that she has to be nice to everyone, get over her feelings, which are nasty, and focus on herself rather than everyone else.

Standard approach - help your dd to become better than herself, i.e. let her compete with her yesterday's self, not with that girl. Explain nobody is perfect. Concentrate on your her and help her.

Being successful in life isn’t about being good at things. It’s about happiness and luck.

Bloke I knew had everything - looks, money, beautiful family - until he had a freak accident and is paralysed from the neck down.

A woman got the job I wanted but there was a car crash that took out a couple of employees soon after so it was such a sad place to work.

Think about all the pop stars and celebrities who seem to have everything then don’t.

I am not wishing bad things on people. But your Dd should see how lucky she is now. She presumably has her health which is something to be cherished. She has potential to do a lot in the future.

The up side of her trying to get better grades is that she’s more likely to achieve them.

Perhaps if she volunteered as somewhere for people less fortunate than herself, she would see things in a different light. Make her look outwards inside of in.

"I bring nothing to the table" is a very unusual phrase for a 14 year old girl. Have you asked her where she got that from, or what this mythical table is?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD):

Core Traits:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

Motivation:
Driven by a need for attention, validation, and to maintain a sense of self-importance.

Empathy:
While they may feign empathy, they struggle to truly understand or care about the feelings of others.

Behavior:
May manipulate others to achieve their goals, often exhibiting entitlement and arrogance.

Remorse:
May experience some remorse, but it's often superficial and tied to their own ego.

Treatment:
Can respond to therapy, but treatment is often challenging due to their lack of insight into their behavior.

Does she have any friends at all OP? I think that's the bit you need to focus on and cultivate. The other external bits she can't change about herself. There will always be someone 'better' than all of us in life.

I feel for your daughter, it sounds like she is unhappy.

But this other girl has the right to a happy life and to achieve as much as she can. Your daughter obessing about it isn't healthy and won't make her friends, I wouldn't want to be around someone who was trying to beat me at everything. Does your daughter have ASD? Often autistic people can fixate on people like this as they struggle to understand group dynamics and why someone else is popular if they aren't when they always follow x rule to be popular for example.

I would get her some therapy, as there will always always be people better than you at everything, and it will be a miserable life for her if she always wants to be the best at everything and is miserable if not.

How much time does your daughter spend with others out of school? How much much quality time do you two spend together? What extended family, including males does she have? She doesn’t sound like she has a balanced life in some aspects, and she may be getting the wrong kind of messages, role models, etc… from those around her. It’s perhaps not what many on MN wants to hear, but there is evidence that not having a good male parent can be damaging for some young females. She needs a broad exposure to lots of different people, male, female, different ages, abilities, interests, achievement to give her a measurement base.

This.

Wow that’s quite scary, I hope the school are taking steps to protect this other girl. I hope you’re monitoring her internet usage very closely, I would consider if she should have access at all. You need to speak to your GP CAMHS etc you need support.

OP my friend was that girl. Sometimes I felt a bit/lot inadequate.

She's still that girl (money, marriage, kids, house, social life) while I'm still down a level or 2 😅

But her mental health is and has always been, very fragile. She suffers a lot. Some of it is due to keeping up with herself over the years (I've known her 40 years) and some to her knowing she pisses people off without meaning to.

She's a good friend and a good person but will refer to herself in very derogatory terms sometimes. When we were teens she would self harm secretly.

I'm just giving an example of how different/more complex things might be...if it's of any use to you when talking to DD.

I agree also with PP about some talking therapy. Keep trying. Sometimes takes a few false starts. If you can afford a weekly session for her with someone she is more comfortable with that might work. She does need to understand this in herself, for her own mental health.

What are they basing this on? Does your daughter behave in an unpleasant or threatening way towards this other girl?

So far what you've described indicates she gives up on things when she can't be the best and projects a 'woe is me' self-defeating attitude. But the school seem to be interpreting her feelings towards this girl in a more threatening way - which must be based on something

Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort.

Sounds like she's picked up some of this attitude from you @cheshirecat2913

And your opening post sounds like you don't think your DD is up to much. Your first post sounds subtly disappointed in your DD.

Are you helping her find what sje is good at and teaching her that her only "competition" is herself? Help her find what she enjoys doing and show her you can do something for the love of it.

What hobbies and activities does your DD do outside of school and away from this sort of competition? Give your DD something that is hers, and that she does for the love of it. Keep trying different activities till she clicks with something.

She said she didn't think the counsellor was very good at her job. As I said I suspect she said that because her thought process was challenged and she didn't like it.

It's good to be competitive to an extent, but it does sound like if she can only be around people she feels 'better than' then that's a real issue for her interpersonal relationships. Does your dd have any diagnosis or signs of ASD? It might explain the concrete/absolute thinking.

I can see why the school would look at this as potential to harm others. Not necessarily in an extreme sense as others here have listed but her behaviour could be looked at as bullying.

I would be trying to link her in with other outlets, maybe some team hobbies where efforts are combined to get success. And I would be sourcing different counselling for her or a 1-1 youth worker. I went through a few counsellors before finding one I really felt good with.

I would be trying to focus on helping her learn to identify the good in others and how it takes all sorts to make the world go round. And I'd be careful with how you approach failure or mistakes in your household.