Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

The #BeKind movement has had its day and is usually just something told to girls, not boys, and makes them much more likely to accept abuse and bullying and suck it up in case their not seen as being 'kind'. So I wouldn't do this OP but hopefully you've had a word with her about how everyone is different and deserve to be her friend.

Tell her to try to be the kindest girl in every room not the most beautiful not the cleverest not the richest

Due to her ASD and ADHD are you by chance letting her make excuses for herself? She needs to get the message that life isn't inevitable - if she wants change for herself she has to drive it - and the best way to do this is via team sports / making her try activities she isn't good at until she succeeds.

As for medication for adhd, that is between you, your daughter and her paediatrician. They do have side effects and are not useful or suitable for everyone. There are different types of medication for ADHD and your daughter’s paediatrician is best qualified to advise you on perhaps trying a different medication and monitoring it’s effectiveness and whether or not it’s working for your daughter.

@cheshirecat2913 As a parent of a child with autism and adhd you would be well aware of how people with autism can have rigid thinking. And this can make it very difficult to help your daughter to alter her perspective on this and see this issue from a different perspective. To stop being jealous of this girl your daughter needs to stop comparing herself to this girl, to accept that it is ok for this girl to enjoy her own success and to accept that other people are allowed to talk about this girl in a positive way. At the same time she needs to change her belief that she can’t help but be jealous (powerless to stop feeling jealous) to a belief that she can stop feeling jealous (empowered to regain self governance) by making some changes in her thinking. That she can stop fixating on this girl and focus her attention on her own journey.

Encourage her to compare herself with herself instead of comparing herself to other people. For example look at areas of self improvement. Every time we get better at something we are a winner. Celebrate personal victories.

But, this is easier said than done, especially with the added difficulty of rigid thinking.

My only advice is to keep redirecting her away from fixating on this girl and focusing on other positive aspects of her school day. Anytime she says she can’t help feeling jealous counteract that with: “Well actually yes you can. It will take effort and perseverance but I believe that you can.”

And one last thing. Maybe some of this jealousy is more about wishing that people would recognise and acknowledge her accomplishments too. So, as much as you can try to notice and acknowledge her achievements to fulfil that need to be recognised.

My DC doesn’t like taking tablets but when she needs them she has to take them. I use a pestle and mortar to put the powdered parts into a smoothie. She can also see if it comes in a liquid form.

She’s the parent and she is minimising a serious situation.

@Sleepington OP can’t force her daughter to take meds.

Your use of the word ‘just’ here has me very worried.

Your daughter needs proper help. Medical and professional support.

I wouldn’t care if she doesn’t like her counsellor and doesn’t like taking meds. She needs them.

Get DD to volunteer somewhere where people have it a lot worse/aren't as good/talented/gifted as she is (helping kids with reading for example) so that she can spend some time helping other people gain more confidence. If she helps bring other people up, her self confidence will improve also.

This!

It sounds like you both need therapy to be honest. You keep contradicting yourself in almost every post.

No social media. She has this girl blocked everywhere

I’m starting to think people are just wasting their time commenting on this thread because OP is completely in denial of the serious risk that her DD can pose to this girl and keeps minimising her horrendous attitude.

Great article about bearing a grudge. I hope it helps.

Leave the hurt behind! How to let go of a grudge https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/26/leave-the-hurt-behind-how-to-let-go-of-a-grudge

The school has effectively said she has the potential to be dangerous.

OP If she was my daughter I’d be insisting on professional intervention.

I feel very sorry for the girl your DD is obsessed with, I have no doubt she is aware of how your DD feels and it must be affecting her mental health too. It’s your job to stop this!

OP, see if she might be willing to try medication if she could start with a quarter of a tablet and have an anti sickness pill prescribed that she could take if she did experience any nausea. She probably won’t as, like PP have said, it isn’t a common side effect, but tapering the dose up gradually (as long as the doctor would agree), and having a “safety net” for the risk of nausea might help her to feel able to give it a go.

Does DD know that school considers her risk to others? How does she feel about that? Is she interested in changing that perception? Or does she agree with it.

Vomiting isn't a particularly common side effect, and there are different types of medication for ADHD anyway.

Taking medication for ADHD drastically benefits the lives of many people, particularly academically. Some people find they are failing in school, but after going under treatment with medication, they end up being top of the class.

You should look into the medication more before ruling it out. It might help with her self-esteem as she will find it significantly easier to focus and do things 'normally'.

Just keep stressing that it's not about being the best but doing your best. Yes it is frustrating not to win but knowing you feel tried your hardest is the best achievement.

Are there any clubs or hobbies you can encourage where she might be able to find her tribe? It might take the focus off of her scrutinising others if she can find her kind of people. Something she can be good at and build self confidence and an identity.

Interestingly enough I heard a mother of a Neurodivergent teen having a conversation with his daughter the other day actively encouraging jealousy towards another child and telling them that the child needed their head kicking in because the child thought they were popular. I found that really sad and it's no wonder the child has mental health issues.

Thought she didn't interact with the other girl so why does she need to have her blocked?

This isn't simple jealousy. It's obsession.

Are you a negative person about people?

You need to take your DD away on a mine mum and daughter day, take her out and spend time with her doing nice things. While away have a chat and tell her to look around her, everyone is different and everyone has hidden talents, it might be sports for the other girl it might be be the ability to sit and read a book with no distractions….. honestly she needs to learn the world is a big place and there is so much more to it then being jealous of other people. Jealousy is a very nasty trait.

Yeah I thought this was the case.

That's positive. And are there no other emo /alternative girls? Any clubs where she could find like minded girls at school? What's her favourite subject or hobby? She should be very proud of the fact that she likes her own style especially if it's isn't mainstream. I hope she will realise soon that she can be happy with who she is and how she is as an individual. Accept herself not just in terms of style but ability and opportunity. Will she be going to 6th form anytime soon?