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AIBU?

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Original poster

21 y/o living at home, evenings

30 replies

JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:23

AIBU? My 21 year old went to a city on Tues last week for shopping and a few drinks with a friend train was booked on a return. DC let me know plans changed and they were getting a hotel, they didnt go out-out or drink heavy but wanted to stay longer than the last train home. I knew that would happen, it always does. It triggered my anxiety and I was annoyed as I had work then next morning and now wouldn't sleep well as I never do when they are away like this (they have worked away and that wasn't as bad on my anxiety).

Last night (Fri) they went out drinking, met a potential new partner and stayed out after clubs kicked out. They usually home by 5, at 6.30 I got a message that on way home and in at 7.15am.

That's 2 nights of very little sleep.

I thought I could benefit from a good sleep tonight so had just said the 7am thing is fine occasionally but need to let me know sooner if they're staying out all night like that but I understand being caught up after meeting someone you fancy etc. It's trick because the club doesn't close until 4.15am so even if they intend to come home, after getting chatting to someone it's easy to end up meeting the next day.

I dropped off to sleep tonight at about 11.15pm and was woken by DC brushing teeth at 11.45pm after an invite to go for a drive (2 guys, 2 girls so another potential romantic partner so I can see the draw of the fun) I wont sleep again worrying until they're back.

  • sidenote: DC hasn't had a romantic interest for over a year so not concerned at these two 'dates' coming up a day apart -

We have a dog that barks when we come home so this means disturbed sleep for anyone who is asleep, I dont think the younger sibling gets woken though and is old enough not to care.

AIBU in thinking this is too much late night disruption in a family household? DH says DC needs their own place if they want to come and go as they please all hours.

I am clouded because of my own anxiety- if I wasn't a worrier I probably wouldn't care apart from the noise but the anxiety means I don't sleep.

AIBU to put rules in place on an adult DC around evenings? And what should any rules be?

OP posts:
Original poster
JellySky · 23/03/2025 00:36

Manyplanetsfromthesun · 23/03/2025 00:31

With genuine kindness… they are 21.

When I was 21 I was living fully independently from my parents in another country. I probably had some very late (early morning) nights but my parents weren’t part of the equation. My parents and I are still emotionally close but they never ever micro-managed me.

if you’re children are living at home you are absolutely entitled to ask not to be disturbed, and set a curfew for when people come and go… I think it’s a very tricky dynamic, with young adults living for extended periods at home!

Edited

Hi, yes I too lived independently at this age so I do get that, I had a 2 year old. It's been mentioned on similar threads though that adult DC at home is a different dynamic. DC isn't a mature 21 y/old either and they did turn 18 in lockdown so missed out on some of the rights of passage for a year.

My concern of an actual curfew is they would be in the moment and not come home then find themselves with nowhere to go which isn't safe and truth is I'm never going to turn my child away at any time so not sure how that's even enforceable. Open to ideas though!

OP posts:
Kinut · 23/03/2025 00:34

You can’t ask an adult man to stay in so you’re not anxious. It’s ridiculously out of order.

healthadvice123 · 23/03/2025 00:34

I have one dc same age at home and another similar. I am also much more of a worrier than dh and don’t sleep great when they are out really late or unsure where they are. But i realise its more my problem. I do ask them to drop me a text etc and in the main they do.
they don’t make too much noise and no younger dc so i don’t have an issue with anyone being wokenI just can’t see how i could stop them either, but anyone can have any rules they want. My dc could not afford to move on their own so as adults they will want to come and go, i just expect them to be quiet when in late, give us a rough idea of when home etc and tidy up any mess, if they make a late night snack.
i sometimes think i get less sleep now than i did when they were babies

RechargeableGnu · 23/03/2025 00:31

They need to move out - I'm sorry, I'd hate to live with parents like you at their age.

Manyplanetsfromthesun · 23/03/2025 00:31

With genuine kindness… they are 21.

When I was 21 I was living fully independently from my parents in another country. I probably had some very late (early morning) nights but my parents weren’t part of the equation. My parents and I are still emotionally close but they never ever micro-managed me.

if you’re children are living at home you are absolutely entitled to ask not to be disturbed, and set a curfew for when people come and go… I think it’s a very tricky dynamic, with young adults living for extended periods at home!

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