21 y/o living at home, evenings

Your dc is not being unreasonable. It is much more difficult to move out than it was year ago so I would not be asking my child to move out.

Boundary that might work are not being out late 2 nights in a row until you have worked through it. Or try and keep to weekends only. Perhaps having your phone on silent so you don't see text updates until the morning.

I actually think this is more a you issue and something you should try to adjust to. It sounds like they're fairly respectfully, updating you of their plans so you're not wondering if they're coming home or not.

You having anxiety about an adult doing perfectly normal things isn't really something you should put onto them. The 11:45 pm teeth brushing and waking you up sounds annoying but if this is a one off I wouldn't get to wound up about it.

It's ok people saying YABU but I get you. You cant just switch off and relax when they are out all hours. I was exactly the same when my DS went out. I just couldn't sleep and felt emotionally fraught. But I knew it was a me issue so I just had to get on with it. He ended up moving out just turned 19 for his career as he relocated and I must admit after a few uneasy weeks it did cure me. Not waiting for him to come home seemed to really be a turning point in letting go. No other helpful suggestions I'm afraid but when you suffer like this it is draining and I sympathise.

That just makes it even more important you view this as your issue to live with and not theirs in my opinion. I say this as someone who lived with a parents with one of the most severest of mental illness and then in turn was sectioned myself with an episode of hypomania when my kids were in their teens. I was fortunate, I got treated and home within a fortnight. My husband and I had two aims:to minimise the impact of my illness on our children and to help me stay as well as possible in the future. Like you I suffer from my anxiety all the time. My desire for control is huge and hecause I don’t want to be like my family I do s good job of hiding it… people would tell you I’m one of the most laidback parents they know but the kids have felt it. I’ve compensated by allowing them more freedom and the absolute right to profuse themselves over my feelings.

I do totally understand that it must be difficult for you. The two things that were the biggest threat to my health the psychiatrist told me were stress and less than 8 hours sleep a night. I would imagine that stress and lack of sleep have a larger than usual impact on you too. I really liked the suggested from a pp to get noise cancelling headphones, a fan in room etc. Your children sound considerate and kind and like they’re having fun and enjoying still living at home. My early childhood was so difficult I can’t even think about it closely. My late teen years and 20s were amazing though as my parents were determined themselves not to be like their parents. I didn’t think twice about asking my Mum to pick me up all times of the night and she had an open car policy. Anyone who didn’t have a secure way to get home was piled into the car and taken home too. My Dad was such a light sleeper but he never complained although he did tease us if, for example, he woke to the sound of my sister and her friend giggling nonstop in amongst vomitting in the bushes out the front.

If your DC staying out occasionally is that disruptive for you, due to your anxiety, then unfortunately they’ll need to move out. How would your anxiety be if they lived somewhere else, out of interest?

It’s your house, set out some ground rules and implement them. You can’t be expected to be woken at all hours because they’re coming and going.

Regarding you not sleeping whilst they’re out, you need to address this yourself. Getting a hotel and staying out is the best scenario for not disrupting your house and sleep.
They’re 21 so can live their life as they please BUT whilst they’re living under your roof, they follow your rules.

This x100

does sound like they are being reasonable in terms of communication. They need to live a normal life, which they are. It’s not easy for young adults these days, far less likely to be able to afford their own places than previous generations at that age.

Your anxiety is something you need to work on to reduce, and certainly shouldn’t impact your child’s life in this way.

Your child is telling you where they are and does not seem to have done anything unreasonable. Talk to a dog trainer about the barking as that really must stop, and talk to your GP about the anxiety as it sounds like you need some calming techniques for when your thoughts become erratic.

YABU. You need help for your unnatural and cloying anxiety. Your anxiety is not your DC’s responsibility.

Deal with the anxiety however you deal with your anxiety about other things. It's for you to treat, not him.

Soundproof your bedroom. Living with 2 young adult males I had a fan going in my room, plus noise cancelling earbuds playing sleep music if one was out for the night and I really needed an unbroken sleep.

What other modifications could you both make depending on your home... can he keep a toothbrush downstairs, is there a back door he can come through quietly, can the dog sleep in a room where you won't hear the barking so much...? You both need to experiment a little and see what helps.

Yes it’s your anxiety not your child.
They are just living a normal life.
I worry too when my dd goes to parties, I think it’s natural, but I don’t blame or ask her to modify her behaviour. I simply accept I love her very much, and care what happens to her and I adapt by having earlier nights, and know it will pass one day. They all grow up eventually!

I have 2 DC in their early 20s, 1 lives at home. You need to learn to let to and not be so anxious I know it's difficult but DC can't live their life based on your anxiety if the occasionally disturb you then get beary quiet ear plugs or similar

You work on your anxiety it is not fair to blame others for it

Normally what upsets people in these situations is the young adult coming home at 2/3/4 am and banging around.

your child got a hotel so as not to disturb you in the first night and was back at 7am on the second night which is so late it’s early and I’d be getting up already,

so it sounds like your problem is not so much that you get disturbed by noise but that you want your young adult child to sleep under your roof and go to bed early, as otherwise you get anxious.

i’m very sorry to repeat what others have said, but it does seem like your child is being very considerate (getting a hotel rather than coming back loudly in the small hours) and your anxiety is very much a you problem.

This is a you problem your anxiety isn't your sons problem

Therapy. This isn’t on your son to solve

You get help with your anxiety obviously

What has sex the sex of your child got to do with it?
Someone who clearly treats men and women differently.

Well, the solution is you tackle your anxiety.

I think they should let you know of any change of plans, which they clearly do. But then, kindly, any anxiety about that is on you, OP.

Your problem is your anxiety, not your child. Brushing their teeth and being out late are not unreasonable disruptions to a family home, you can't sleep because you are worrying, not because they are being unreasonably disruptive.

Therapy. If you're anxious about them staying out for the night who's to say you won't be just as anxious about them moving out/living alone?

You need to work on that.

In this case i think you need to learn to trust them then… figure out how to switch off the ‘noise’ when they are not at home.

I know it’s hard. Some CBT? there are a lot of NHS funded CBT courses…. I mean this only directed at your anxiety when they are ‘out’.

The noise disruption, coming it during the night, is a different challenge. On this at least, you can set the rules in your own house.