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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the whole SEND system and everyone in it and wish they would all sod off

166 replies

ASimpleLampoon · 22/03/2025 23:24

Not really but I'm just fed up.

I have one child in mainstream school. Has a health issue, no diagnosis, support plan in place in school. Everything is fine. Model student , great relationship with school.

I have a child with multiple disabilities /issues in a SEND school , considered "complex" and I am just fed up with doing my best but it never being enough.

I'm fed up of worrying if he'll want to go on his transport every day , or if we all get a call to pick him up.

I'm fed up of checking the school app every day , and waiting in e afternoon if I'm going to get a call to say he's had a bad day.

I'm fed up of the endless paperwork, the endless meetings , the phone calls, re waiting lists the appointments.

I don't want to talk to a teacher or support worker or pediatrician or OT or SALT.

I just want to have a normal day where I don't have to share with strangers every intimate detail of my life.
I constantly feel scrutinised and judged and like nothing I do is enough.

Yet I no longer have a .career or any hope of working more than part time, my social life is limited , I do have friends I meet up with but nowhere near the freedom I'd have if I wasn't a carer.

I don't have a life outside of caring for my child, and in a way that's OK, I love him and would do anything for him and he's amazing..

But I think I'm going to scream if I have to fill in one more form or go to one more appointment or one more meeting or speak to one more professional

I'm a. Private person and I can't stand the constant intrusion.

OP posts:
Signetsarah · 23/03/2025 00:48

This reply has been deleted

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MarchInHappiness · 23/03/2025 00:47

Not quite the same, however my DD is dyslexic and had uncontrollable epilepsy (been seizure free for a long time now though). She's 25 now and I still worry, however those primary school years were rough. Waiting for the phone to ring to say she's had a seizure and dealing with the 'system' (both health and education) was the absolute pits. It was a struggle 15-20 years ago to get that support, god knows what its like now.

I cant offer any advice and I def do not want to say any platitudes, other than say you are not alone.

TeenLifeMum · 23/03/2025 00:47

Suggesting a mum on her knees home educate her dc with very complex needs? Fucking hell, did you forget how home schooling during COVID nearly broke the majority of us (with a tiny exception for those who loved it are clearly psychopaths)?

OP, I hear you. Today it feels overwhelming but tomorrow is a new day. Try to get a good night’s sleep, as that always helps cope better with things, and take things a day at a time. Some days it will feel less overwhelming.

Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:41

chillichoclove · 22/03/2025 23:40

its ok to just wish your life was “normal” It’s so exhausting. I’m sorry. It’s also the fear that it’s always going to be like this. Look after yourself. You’re not alone

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:39

LauderSyme · 23/03/2025 00:36

Appalling response. When one is a parent carer, very little in one's life is me me me. OP never sought to blame her child for her situation.

I understand OP. My ds is going through a change of placement and it feels like my life is consumed with speaking to professionals and addressing his SEN. Hugs to you.

Show quote history

Thanks, its not about my child or the disability its the whole system I have to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:36

Ohthatsabitshit · 23/03/2025 00:19

I think it’s a very common feeling @ASimpleLampoon its a ghastly situation and I agree the meetings and admin are brutal.

Thanks!

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 23/03/2025 00:36

This reply has been deleted

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Appalling response. When one is a parent carer, very little in one's life is me me me. OP never sought to blame her child for her situation.

I understand OP. My ds is going through a change of placement and it feels like my life is consumed with speaking to professionals and addressing his SEN. Hugs to you.

Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:34

PattyDukeAstin · 23/03/2025 00:32

@Signetsarah - Blimey 'victim'. @ASimpleLampoon - I absolutely understand how hard it is bringing up a child with complex needs. Thinking of you.

Thank you. That means a lot 😘

OP posts:
PattyDukeAstin · 23/03/2025 00:32

@Signetsarah - Blimey 'victim'. @ASimpleLampoon - I absolutely understand how hard it is bringing up a child with complex needs. Thinking of you.

Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:31

IncessantNameChanger · 23/03/2025 00:23

I have three kids with ehcps. Two of those I had to appeal for. The last six months I wish I'd never got my youngest a ehcp and I'd love to tell the school and the LA to shove the ehcp up their bottom. I hate it all too. Middle child has a children with disabilities socail worker and I told her in his first CIN in a year, how I was struggling with my youngest. She suggested stepping us down from having a socail worker! I had just told her about my well planned plan to abandon the kids and leave dh as I'm getting ill with meetings, reports, lieing LA.

Then I though its good she only met us the once and didn't check his bedroom. It can remain a state and I will keep my musings to.mysrlf in future.

Really in a crisis the best plan I have is go off radar. No one helps they just cause more stress for what? A crap ehcp no one follows and I done a fair few judicial reviews and complaints.

When my mum.was dieing I told the last socail worker I was suicidal and she said I was coping amazingly 🤣. I really wasn't. I was at a mental health crisis hub at 10pm that night. The conclusion was to suck it up as there was no help.

Thank you, you get it.

OP posts:
Honeybeesinthetrees · 23/03/2025 00:28

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:28

chillichoclove · 22/03/2025 23:40

its ok to just wish your life was “normal” It’s so exhausting. I’m sorry. It’s also the fear that it’s always going to be like this. Look after yourself. You’re not alone

Thank you!

OP posts:
IncessantNameChanger · 23/03/2025 00:23

I have three kids with ehcps. Two of those I had to appeal for. The last six months I wish I'd never got my youngest a ehcp and I'd love to tell the school and the LA to shove the ehcp up their bottom. I hate it all too. Middle child has a children with disabilities socail worker and I told her in his first CIN in a year, how I was struggling with my youngest. She suggested stepping us down from having a socail worker! I had just told her about my well planned plan to abandon the kids and leave dh as I'm getting ill with meetings, reports, lieing LA.

Then I though its good she only met us the once and didn't check his bedroom. It can remain a state and I will keep my musings to.mysrlf in future.

Really in a crisis the best plan I have is go off radar. No one helps they just cause more stress for what? A crap ehcp no one follows and I done a fair few judicial reviews and complaints.

When my mum.was dieing I told the last socail worker I was suicidal and she said I was coping amazingly 🤣. I really wasn't. I was at a mental health crisis hub at 10pm that night. The conclusion was to suck it up as there was no help.

Signetsarah · 23/03/2025 00:22

PattyDukeAstin · 23/03/2025 00:20

@BusterGonad - I agree. It has been a battle but generally we have been able to work with the education system. I wouldn't home educate and I do not love my son any less for making that decision. I also have to protect my health.

When did anyone said you love your son less? My goodness I feel sorry for the OP her thread has been taken over my professional victims talking about themselves as if someone’s attacking them. Mind boggling behaviour!

Signetsarah · 23/03/2025 00:22

BusterGonad · 23/03/2025 00:18

I am speaking for myself, and clearly a few others on here agree. Home education would be my last resort if the school can't meet his needs and do more harm than good.

Show quote history

You only speak for yourself
we are all different.

PattyDukeAstin · 23/03/2025 00:20

@BusterGonad - I agree. It has been a battle but generally we have been able to work with the education system. I wouldn't home educate and I do not love my son any less for making that decision. I also have to protect my health.

Ohthatsabitshit · 23/03/2025 00:19

I think it’s a very common feeling @ASimpleLampoon its a ghastly situation and I agree the meetings and admin are brutal.

BusterGonad · 23/03/2025 00:18

Signetsarah · 23/03/2025 00:08

It’s each to their own though isn’t it
nobody speaks for ALL Sen parents.

Show quote history

I am speaking for myself, and clearly a few others on here agree. Home education would be my last resort if the school can't meet his needs and do more harm than good.

Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:15

BusterGonad · 22/03/2025 23:38

I've only had a fraction of what you've been through, but I understand. It's such hard work. It's hard for people to understand just how much it affects your life.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:13

BusterGonad · 23/03/2025 00:08

To home educate would kill me, I'd feel completely trapped in my life and lose all identity of who I am. A friend suggested it to me once, like it was the answer to all prayers. People just don't have a clue. To me it would be the absolute last resort. We did online learning for a long time during covid (do not live in the UK) and I became quite ill with the stress of it.

I have friends who do, and its the right option for them.

I would consider it if school placement broke down

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 23/03/2025 00:08

Signetsarah · 22/03/2025 23:58

🤣 not really is it. Goodness me. Get to bed!

Show quote history

I'm just getting out of bed.

Signetsarah · 23/03/2025 00:08

BusterGonad · 23/03/2025 00:08

To home educate would kill me, I'd feel completely trapped in my life and lose all identity of who I am. A friend suggested it to me once, like it was the answer to all prayers. People just don't have a clue. To me it would be the absolute last resort. We did online learning for a long time during covid (do not live in the UK) and I became quite ill with the stress of it.

It’s each to their own though isn’t it
nobody speaks for ALL Sen parents.

BusterGonad · 23/03/2025 00:08

To home educate would kill me, I'd feel completely trapped in my life and lose all identity of who I am. A friend suggested it to me once, like it was the answer to all prayers. People just don't have a clue. To me it would be the absolute last resort. We did online learning for a long time during covid (do not live in the UK) and I became quite ill with the stress of it.

Original poster
ASimpleLampoon · 23/03/2025 00:06

PattyDukeAstin · 23/03/2025 00:02

My son is 21 - he has complex needs. I absolutely understand. I am also tired of form filling, meetings with the social worker, his support team, health care (actually getting health care), support staff still wanting 'mum' to fix things..please don't home educate. I find that people who have absolutely no idea of the stress of parenting a child with complex needs often suggest this as an option..you need respite (this also hardly exists and I just mean whilst your child is in school). I love my son but it is hard.

Thank you. Its a lot of work just to get the basics in life isn't it.

He has 3 hours but this takes place mid week after school.

OP posts:
PattyDukeAstin · 23/03/2025 00:02

My son is 21 - he has complex needs. I absolutely understand. I am also tired of form filling, meetings with the social worker, his support team, health care (actually getting health care), support staff still wanting 'mum' to fix things..please don't home educate. I find that people who have absolutely no idea of the stress of parenting a child with complex needs often suggest this as an option..you need respite (this also hardly exists and I just mean whilst your child is in school). I love my son but it is hard.

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