To hate the whole SEND system and everyone in it and wish they would all sod off

Hi op, is it more you feel you need to be there? I have a complex ds in send school. Next week I'll be up there at ĥis physio, but I could say no, ring me after etc.
With regards to picking up, they kept sending him home saying he wasn't himself... I've now said unless he's physically sick I'm not picking him up. Some of these sen schools do seem to be quick to phone, probably because the classes are hard to manage.
I appreciate saying no to meetings can make you feel like a bad mum, but looking after yourself is important too. If you're not needed there and can be done in a phone call, do that

I know you’re behaving as the lowest of the low for attention but you’re not even doing a good job of that.

I hear you!! I’m sorry to say that if you don’t have a child with extra/similar needs then people don’t see the impact. It’s exhausting, I’ve aged like 10 years in like a year (this year has been the toughest).

I know what you mean, it’s almost like you want a moment where you can forget, where you are not defined by your child’s needs.

I have so many forms to still fill in for different things. It’s just mind-blowing.

I’m also fed up of people thinking it can be ‘fixed’ and giving me parent tips, or always asking me how things are. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t have the time or energy.

big hugs.

Solidarity. I have 3 dcs with EHCPs. One completely out of school. A sixth former just getting through the days and low attendance. We have worked with autism, ADHD, anorexia and OCD. Visual and auditory hallucinations. We’ve had a multitude of CAMHS appts for years (we didn’t have them for a long while, which is why things got so bad. In fact, one of my children was going to be put on a CP plan due to lack of professional involvement from CAMHS. I think there is a form of trauma from the constant waiting rooms, form filling, meeting new professionals. Have just started a tribunal case as the LA won’t name a parental preference, despite evidence from CAMHS. DC very upset and just wants to go to school. Even if I felt I could, she does not want to be homeschooled and just wants to be ‘normal’.

its ok to occasionally have a moan about how hard this all is. Also I think the system has been weaponised against parents. I manage to work part time and also work in the ‘system’. I hope my lived experience makes be a better person to work with for the families I support.

I know you’re not asking no for advice but I did wonder if you could ask for all non emergency correspondence through email. Then you can look when you feel ready. Obviously this won’t change calls from school when you need to pick him up.
for meetings, if you find them intrusive at home, can you ask about them booking a room at a GP and say you want these limited to 2 a year or however many you think necessary.
The SEND code of practice says there must be 3 reviews a year but if you don’t want this on top of other appointments that’s ok.

I can't change anything about the system, and I can't change the struggles my DD has and my sheer exhaustion. But hey, at least I can report all the nasty comments on SEN threads. I've got your backs SEN mummies, if only we all had the energy to make our own system 😂

She hasn't asked for advice about what to do, she's just expressing that it's exhausting and intrusive and she wishes she didn't have to do any of it.

Solidarity with parent carers feeling completely ground down and in desperate need of support. Also hear you with the wish to just be able to have the normal expectations of a private family or personal life.

MN is feeling increasingly hostile to families and individuals with disabilities in the last couple of weeks (coincidentally just as the government appears to be lurching in this same direction ) I’ve reported multiple posts on this thread.

This is meant to be a support site for parents.

I get it. We're clinging on by our fingertips in mainstream, but nowhere near the threshold for a special school place.

We don't have an EHCP because "school can manage his needs within the notional budget". But it doesn't look like managing his needs from my point of view. Or from his teacher's if the number of phone calls is anything to go from.

And I am so tired of the thinking all of the time - what therapy haven't we tried, what parenting change could I make, when can I book this OT meeting, who haven't I told about this test result yet etc etc.

And I'm a single parent so on top of that trying to support my other child who feels a bit overlooked most of the time........

Op I completely get it, my child is complex needs also and however much I do love them it is mentally draining.
I hate the weekdays, I don't even get out of school until 10am most days.
They would never manage transport unfortunately.
And then they are part time, I have thought about home schooling but then all support would be gone and the little bit we do get I desperately need.

I constantly worry about the future, I don't get any respite and dont really have a life as I do most of the load ( husband work fulls time) and when he is at home he does step up.

I do have another child (adult now with learning disabilities and other Sen and is still in special education) but even though he has sen his sibling is much much more difficult and needs supervision constantly.

I love my children dearly and have done everything possible to make sure there getting everything they need but it has come with a huge cost to my mental health and carers just don't seem to get much support to help with that.
Oh other then a few groups that the council set up which most can not accsess because of there caring responsibilities.

Oh and further, home-schooling was never going to be an option. I am not a teacher and could no way meet his needs. Or manage it and parent. It would have killed me. No matter how much I love him.

Its is a very hard gig. My son is non-verbal, intellectually disabled and is autistic. I am in Australia and the system is different here but we were able to go private and his private school is outstanding, I get calls but only when absolutely necessary and they go out of their way to facilitate. We get respite and pay for more of it.

I work and have a career - professional services and I have tailored the client list deliberately so I can still have one. There is a lot I can't do but I do have one. Husband travels a lot and I have an older DD who has been an amazing older sister.

So we are on the very lucky end of things. But the 24/7 thinking never goes away. You can never just do things, I have to slot things into times so they get done. Its a life-long responsibility as he will never be independent. You have to take your moments when you get them.

But I hear you. Solidarity

It’s the volume of meetings and paperwork that results in so little that’s hard. I get tired of people wanting to meet at our home because it really is intrusive and exhausting. I often wonder if we would have been better off not engaging at all.

We were refferred to AMHS 4 years ago for my eldest. Nothing.
He's 11 now and his independent/specialist school provided what CAMHS should have.
This is why an EHCP matters

I get it. My most complex child (before she went to residential school) had input from CAHMS. I’m autistic myself and I hated the constant intrusion of this person sitting in my house saying ‘oh dear’ when she had no advice and no answers. I would have found it easier to cope with without her there!!

My 10 yr old was assessed as being between 4-8yr old by SAL, he has serious OCD behaviours, sleeps less than 4 hours a night and has developed a tic disorder at 9.5 yrs old. He used to be popular, all the parties and well liked. He is now isolated and talks of suicide.

I've just sent the email asking for assessment, I thought his school had done it over a year ago.

His last school recognised he needed an ehcp in 2020 DURING LOCKDOWN. As a result they sent so much information to his new school, because during 2020 he had the fullattention of every SEN, SAL and was even seen by 2 educational psychs? They gathered ALL the info needed but due to DV knew we would be moving to a different county.

We moved in 2021 and nothing. I found out a few months ago that his school is claiming to be gathering evidence, THE EVIDENCE HIS LAST SCHOOL ALREADY COLLECTED.

All of the last schools work is useless now, they spent thousands

Yeah it's a fucking joke except it involves my sons life

@Signetsarah the only one hijacking, and frankly being a complete arse, is you. You have told everyone who doesn’t have the exact same experience as you “professional victims” repeatedly, and been nothing but condescending and sneering.

OP, I get it. The constant, relentless grind of SEN admin is exhausting. You aren’t alone. It’s a system designed to make it as hard as possible to get any support in the hope that you’ll stop asking so they won’t have to cough up the money for any adjustments.