To hate the whole SEND system and everyone in it and wish they would all sod off

I'm really surprised that you thought suggesting home education was appropriate when it's clear all that would do would be to transfer even more responsibility onto OP's shoulders and leave her with literally no time at all for herself?

It also means the local authority can just step back and leave her to it instead of meeting their legal duty to provide her child with an education.

You sound unbelievably thick and ignorant. I suspect you’re on the windup judging by your username, haven’t you anything better to do at 5am?

It is blatantly obvious that OP was posting for solidarity and support rather than daft suggestions like ‘can you home educate’, as if the OP wouldn’t be aware of it as an option. She is also a person with needs and feelings, and deserves some time for herself whilst her child is safe at school for a few hours.

No experience myself but best wishes OP

After carefully reading the OP I think it's quite obvious she isn't looking for advice, just empathy, a space to vent.

I'm really surprised that you thought suggesting home education was appropriate when it's clear all that would do would be to transfer even more responsibility onto OP's shoulders and leave her with literally no time at all for herself?

Home education doesn't just mean keeping your SEN child at home and abandoning any idea of them acquiring skills, independence. OP would need to spend lots of time planning carefully tailored educational activities, then carrying those out with her son, and she'd need to continue with the various therapies etc it's been deemed will help him to develop.

I often worry that some people just think home education is 'keeping their child at home with them' and they are not them actually educating their child at all

Op i know just how you feel. My ds attends special school. We had such a battle getting him in there but the admin and pw still never ends. I now work part time and never have any money for myself. I once attended an autism coffee morning for some support rant but then was like why do I want to talk about this when I could be doing something for me?! It never ends. We never have holidays or days out. Ds can't cope with them. I regularly miss my old care free life. I really wish my child wasn't autistic

Why are you attacking every single poster who’s just empathising? The poster stated she is looking for people in the same boat. You’re being weirdly argumentative and rude.

What’s that?

You sound more frustrated with your child and the way they’ve changed your life than you do with any sort of system (which is completely understandable)

If the system worked the way it should, there would be much less frustration. Children with complex needs change your life in ways you just can’t imagine, the sheer amount of admin, meetings, professional involvement for the smallest amount of support is incredible.

In the past fortnight I’ve met with social work, advocacy services, education (x3), SALT, Ed Psych and CAMHS in preparation for a multi-agency meeting next week. I’ve also had my DD at home for 2 days because she couldn’t tolerate school. And I’m one of the luckier ones because at least services are involved. Holding down a full time job is hard work and possible purely because of my very flexible employer, who really gets it.

And yes it’s frustrating that most of my DD social life needs my involvement, that she’s up till all hours of the night - and I’m up with her, that finding a decent level of education is very hard work, that professionals have such low aspirations for her. It’s frustrating that I need to think ahead for every thing we do outside of home, that we need to be prepared to abandon a much planned activity because she can’t cope, and then deal with her disappointment and my sons disappointment and her feeling guilty because he has missed out too. It’s frustrating to know that extended family members don’t get it and silently judge the way we raise our kids. It’s frustrating that my marriage didn’t survive the stress and pressure of caring for my DD.

I love my kids with every fibre of my being, I fight for them every single day but my god frustration doesn’t begin to cover it.

A child would still need all those therapies and huge amounts of support. Home education is not the solution. It would be far worse for op.

To add, in a family with fewer resources and less understanding of the system, our child would have likely ended up in a PRU and then out of education. We were determined that would not happen.

We have a child who had lots of difficulties with emotional regulation and behaviour, but stayed in mainstream. Primary were mostly supportive but secondary was an ongoing nightmare. We had frequent late evening calls and meetings, threats of exclusion etc.

They did move schools at 14 which was both better in that there was more support and understanding, but worse in some ways as one of the school managers just didn't get it. My DH wfh and he became extremely stressed with frequent calls during the day. I advised him not to answer since they were the schools responsibility till home time, but he found it difficult to do that.

So I do understand. I was lucky in that I worked a busy job that meant I couldn't dwell on it all the time, but yes, school caused massive stress for us for a few years and the meetings were endless. Our aim was to keep them in school though, and we did succeed in that, for what it was worth.....

"I constantly feel scrutinised and judged and like nothing I do is enough."

I know that feeling. I will say that as my son has got older ( now 18) I have realised how bloody good I am with him and the judgement of others has bothered me less. Although I still sometimes have run ins ( politely)with professionals I also think they treat me with greater respect.

Yes and surely this should be a safe space for her to vent? Who wouldn’t be frustrated at the inevitable MASSIVE loss of freedom, autonomy, and finances that being the parent of a SEN child entails? It’s brutal. Doesn’t mean we love them any less but my god it’s hard and we aren’t superhuman.

Also if I home educated then the actual education system would be minus a teacher in a subject where there already huge shortages of staff. It would be lose lose.

DD has managed the year 6 to year 7 transition ok because I threw every resource I had at it. So hopefully I won't need to. But I think even my friends, and my teaching colleagues, would be astonished at what was necessary to achieve this cautious optimism.

I feel you OP. Tried to home educate for one year because my son refused to go to school. It's nothing I recommend. They need social skills not just academic (in my son's case not really academic skills but basic skills). It's really tough but it does get better when they get older. I'm a sahm because I couldn't possibly hold down a job while being available at all times for my DC (and yes you're expected to come and fetch him very often) who needs help and assistance with everything except the actual physical tasks of eating, getting dressed etc. That's what people don't get because they look at him and thinks that he's able..although his disability is there just invisible.

How is this comment in anyway helpful?

@ASimpleLampoon

I hear you.

it’s so so hard.

Solidarity x

You sound more frustrated with your child and the way they’ve changed your life than you do with any sort of system (which is completely understandable)

@ImonlyhappywhenitrainsI also had many personal details about myself and my family's difficulties in the first draft of the EHCP which was sent to the school general email address.

I work at the school! I was mortified!!

However the (kindly, competent) Head's PA found it and made sure only the SEN dept got it and the LA removed all the personal stuff in the final EHCP when I asked. I'm sure GDPR applies. It must.

OP, solidarity. I have what sounds like a much milder situation (these days at least) and no-one in my family gets it at all. Except DH and he has left 99% of the paperwork to me.

The burden on mums of this stuff is enormous.

When I hear government ministers bleating on about worker shortages it just makes me roll my eyes. They are losing the time and talents of thousands and thousands of women to the SEND and healthcare "systems".

But OP reached out for support & to feel like she’s less alone in a world that doesn’t listen - and you’ve just proved that people really don’t. It’s not about playing a victim, but looking for solidarity.

Many SEN parents aren’t in the privileged position of being able to home educate.

Yes if only we could really crack the art of teleportation ( star trek style) and could all pop in to visit each other or have a massive get together for support . Though we would all be too knackered probably ! I find the isolation the worst bit of all.

🙄

Someone with your comprehension reading skills should not be home educating btw.

I have had that too! Saying hes ill and then when he gets home hes bouncing round the house.

I am another parent of 2 children with v complex needs..I hear you absolutely!
The endless pushing, form filling and fighting your corner just to survive. You get so fed up of repeating yourself to people over and over and accounting for what you do and how you do it. And I spend lots of my time sorting out things that go wrong such as medicine shortages and equipment failures along with rectifying errors made by others in medical assessments etc.
And in addition because the youngest is so complex he only goes to school 4 hrs 3 times a week and needs a trained carer to go. So school days are harder work than keeping him home as we also transport them.both. In fact we are lucky because all our carers are lovely but as the older one also gets some hours to cover the days he doesn't go to college my house is a whirlwind of carers and professionals coming and going. It does feel v intrusive at times
After 20 yrs I feel burnt out some days but that is not an option so you get up and go again. And in truth I love my life on the whole but nobody can understand the demands of it unless they live it themselves.
So no answers but solidarity !

You can ask for early help to reasses the smount of respite you get
I now get a fairly decent packsge of respute for my complex needs teen ,which includes two over nights /month , 5 hours every other saturday in a special needs club and a day a week every school holiday in the same club
This did take years though and it can be very area dependent whats available.