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Original poster

Reception DD Being Assaulted

143 replies

kurotora · 22/03/2025 22:58

AIBU to think that it’s not normal for a child in Reception to come home regularly with injuries from another child - eg black eye, split lip, lots of bruising?

Our DD is 4 years old, and on a weekly/biweekly basis she will come home with the aforementioned kind of wounds, all from one particular boy in her class. I have been at the school, sent emails, taken photos. The response has been frustrating - a lot of outright denial that they saw anything when DD says otherwise, minimising, implying that it “must have been a fall”. We have seen him go for her, zero in on her and harass her at class parties, and the school have acknowledged this in a roundabout way, but have been very unhelpful. DD is a quiet, shy girl with an autism diagnosis who finds it very very hard to speak up, especially when upset, and they are putting the onus on her to tell the teachers when this is happening.

The best we have had is that they’re “keeping them apart” which sounds ludicrous and impractical in a rowdy class of 30, but we will also get Tapestry updates with photos of them sat near each other etc. So we know that’s not happening.

I feel very powerless and it seems absolutely abnormal to me that a little girl should just have to deal with being assaulted like this. There was definitely never any injuries like this when I was at primary school and I came from a much rougher place than we live now!

OP posts:
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Sayithowiseeit · 10/04/2025 20:33

My daughter was a little older, I was also told they would be kept apart. They were not. They were in the sensory room together, unsupervised where my daughter was then strangled by this other girl.

They didn't believe my daughter because when she was "questioned" she didn't defend herself.

3 days later and after lots of me chasing them, they admit it did happen.

I told them my daughter wouldn't be coming back to school until I was satisfied they could safeguard her.

Jelliots · 10/04/2025 20:15

I’d refuse to send her in. No way would I send my 4 year old to a place where she’s assaulted on a regular basis. We wouldn’t turn up to work if we were regularly hit and attacked would we.

m Tell the dopey teachers that your daughter will not be attending until a safeguarding plan has been put in place. In addition, threaten them with offsted and the press.

WitcheryDivine · 10/04/2025 20:12

Well done for standing up for your girl, that school sounds awful. I wonder if she is being targeted because she is mixed heritage as well as SEND? Can’t believe the school isn’t taking that more seriously.

GhostHunterPlay · 10/04/2025 20:02

Since the school is not doing anything about this, yo need to move her to another school, and report them to the authorities. They are neglecting their duty of care by ignoring your complaints.

GRex · 10/04/2025 19:34

I should also declare that we atheists moved from an Atheist school with bullying and teachers lying about it, to a Catholic school with lovely teachers, friendly kids and as DS said in amazement "nobody is allowed to hit anyone there!". Bit surprised when he came out with prayers memorised to teach us, but we dutifully copied, explained that's what some people believe and let them get on with it. He's thriving and has a pack of lovely friends. This doesn't mean that all Catholic schools will be good, but certainly don't discount on religious grounds.

WearyAuldWumman · 10/04/2025 19:27

I'll add that my cousin moved her son to the local Catholic school because the non-denominational school which she and I both attended has gone into a downward spiral in term of expectations: "Oh, he'll learn to read when he's ready." This was after a year.

The Catholic school had him reading within three months. When the time came she requested admission for her daughter as well. My cousin's family is agnostic.

Original poster
kurotora · 10/04/2025 18:45

Naepalz · 10/04/2025 18:08

20 mins away is nothing compared to your DD's safety surely?

I sent my ASD DD to a Catholic secondary school half an hour away on the bus for a fresh start away from a nuisance classmate from Primary. We are an agnostic family. They had an excellent learning support department and nipped a few teething problems there in the bud. She thrived there academically though struggled a bit making friendships. The school's ethos and focus on philanthropy was far superior to my older DD's non religious state secondary.
I realise your DD is still only little but was just giving a perspective of being non religious at a Catholic school.

Edited

I appreciate your take on Catholic school. I’ve heard only good things about them around here, and this is a school with a connection to the best high school in the area, also Catholic, and we would probably be too far to get in otherwise. I’ve tried to explain that as a positive to DH.

It isn’t the 20 minutes for either of us, it’s just our work. We are both on a very average wage, I’m part time/3 days due to illness which means I could pick up on two days, beyond that we don’t have a lot of extra flexibility since most of DH’s work meetings are from 3:45pm. Afterschool clubs are definitely an idea that might help though - if DD can tolerate them. She wasn’t able to at the start of the year but we might see a change.

OP posts:
Naepalz · 10/04/2025 18:08

20 mins away is nothing compared to your DD's safety surely?

I sent my ASD DD to a Catholic secondary school half an hour away on the bus for a fresh start away from a nuisance classmate from Primary. We are an agnostic family. They had an excellent learning support department and nipped a few teething problems there in the bud. She thrived there academically though struggled a bit making friendships. The school's ethos and focus on philanthropy was far superior to my older DD's non religious state secondary.
I realise your DD is still only little but was just giving a perspective of being non religious at a Catholic school.

StumbleInTheDebris · 10/04/2025 14:18

I'm so sorry to read your thread - it sounds horrific.
If they state they are keeping the children apart and state they never see any violence from the child, how do they explain the injuries? Your DD must go unwatched for a significant amount of time, in their account, to be somehow getting these injuries but being away from the boy, both in a staffed classroom?

I'm not doubting your DD - just pointing out that even if the staff's account was true, it would reveal really bad safeguarding practices where a child is abused unseen!

GRex · 10/04/2025 14:03

I hope you get her into a new school soon. 20 min doesn't seem bad, compared with her safety.

Make sure you follow up with the complaint including council safeguarding then Ofsted, once you get her out.

ConnieSlow · 10/04/2025 13:49

Rotten adults like these parents will produce rotten children like this boy. There is no hope for him and he will turn out a thug. What are the other parents saying about this child?

ConnieSlow · 10/04/2025 13:45

This is awful, that child needs to be removed!

CrispieCake · 10/04/2025 13:41

Police and social services. Every time your DD comes back with an injury. Tell them she is coming home with unexplained injuries and you suspect she is being abused or neglected at school.

Bullying is a child protection concern under the Children's Act 1989 if there is reasonable cause to suspect a child is suffering or is likely to suffer significant harm. This means that a referral should be made to social services since your DD is at risk.

Original poster
kurotora · 10/04/2025 13:09

I wanted to do a little update even though it’s the Easter holidays so there haven’t been any school incidents.

The council (Herts) weren’t able to offer any help to us, other than to say we are 9th on the wait list for our other local school. The continued interest wait list is back to new applications in June but they weren’t forthcoming when I asked how this is going to be calculated - in order of applications placed, or keeping the existing order.

I have asked for a school tour for a further school (20 min drive away) which has a space and seems good - it’s a Catholic school and we’re not religious but that shouldn’t matter. I’ll hear back after the holidays.

DH on the other hand is pushing back a bit on this. He would like her to stay more local - particularly as he has to do pick up and/or drop off since he WFH and is worried if he’ll be allowed a 40 min absence. He also thinks DD won’t get to see school friends as much since they’re more likely to be quite spread out. He thinks we should allow the current school more of a chance to get things in order, or wait till Y1 and see if a better teacher gets hold of things.

I totally agree that I wish she could attend the local school, and I wish we could just put it to rest. But I also feel that my trust in the school is at zero. :(

There is a further thing that my daughter repeated at home that she says she heard from the teacher which has appalled us, but of course now we have a beef with the school, no one will ever believe it. Regarding a lower functioning autistic boy in class: “Miss said he just eats too much glue”!!!!

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 01/04/2025 21:02

@Dontlletmedownbrucenot sure what SNA is but we have very bare bones staffing in UK schools (funding in real terms per child has been falling for around 15 years now). There wouldn't be anyone doing 1-1 without a lengthy process (and even then it's hard to fill the jobs). But no you don't need parental permission: it's up to the school to decide on staffing within available budgets.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 01/04/2025 21:00

Just read your update, the school are awful! Either a teacher is telling lies to the head or head is intentionally fobbing you off.

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I'm annoyed on your behalf! I think the only option is a school move, I would have little faith in them now.

Original poster
kurotora · 01/04/2025 19:13

Dontlletmedownbruce · 01/04/2025 18:14

I'm genuinely shocked at the school here. It sounds like they are afraid of this boys family and are happy to sacrifice the kids wellbeing for an easy life.

What really baffles me is not seeing the incidents. Usually when a child is violent like that they are also not very self aware and will do something impulsive in front of a teacher and get caught. It sounds like this child is a risk and needs full time SNA, no doubt parents are refusing to cooperate. I'm not in UK so not sure of the system, I don't known if a child can be assigned SNA without parental consent.

I'm going to play devils advocate here OP, are you 100% sure all the injuries came from this boy? Is there a chance he did something once and she is blaming him for other incidents involving a different child, it might explain how teachers don't see? I work with this age group and a few years ago a little girl, extremely shy and possibly autism, became terrified of a boy after a playground incident where he had shouted in her face. She began having nightmares and was afraid to go to school, and told her mum he had pushed and hurt her. We watched them like a hawk and there were no incidents but she continued to run off or start crying when he just walked near her. This went on for sometime until the Mum came again very upset and said there had been two or three incidents that week and some the previous week, she was not visibly injured but complained of pushing shouting hitting etc. However the boy had been absent for a month as he had gone abroad and she was fabricating the whole thing, the fear was real but not the incidents. Obviously it's different as she wasn't showing injuries, someone is no doubt injuring your girl OP but I'm just cautioning you to be really really sure.

I have a hard time believing they are not seeing the incidents. They claimed they had “never” seen any aggression. This is demonstrably untrue. We attended an EY induction party and all through it, this boy was acting out. Assuming they didn’t see what he was doing to my child (they did), they played a game of pass the parcel. He was acting up and forced to sit by the teacher. At one point, when asked (again) to pass the parcel, he smashed it into a little nursery age girl’s head next to him. The reaction was “oh NAME” in a singsongy telling off voice. No consequences of any kind, allowed to keep playing and being horrible.

Yesterday they told us “he’s just a very boisterous boy” as if that’s a good enough explanation.

I also feel that if the accusations were fabricated, it wouldn’t be so inconsistent - she’s a very active child and happy to tell us that her normal daily bumps and scrapes came from running around or tripping - and the accusations only seeming to relate to incidents with wounds that are consistent with being hit. Further, she told us that “teacher saw and was very cross” etc.

I know, children are unreliable narrators. I have honestly considered whether anything might not be truthful, including asking her again about certain incidents and her stories remain the same. I am sure everyone says “my DD wouldn’t fib” but there’s just no good evidence, and there is good evidence the school are being untruthful. Like saying they are always separated then posting Tapestry photos showing them in the same groups.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 01/04/2025 18:14

I'm genuinely shocked at the school here. It sounds like they are afraid of this boys family and are happy to sacrifice the kids wellbeing for an easy life.

What really baffles me is not seeing the incidents. Usually when a child is violent like that they are also not very self aware and will do something impulsive in front of a teacher and get caught. It sounds like this child is a risk and needs full time SNA, no doubt parents are refusing to cooperate. I'm not in UK so not sure of the system, I don't known if a child can be assigned SNA without parental consent.

I'm going to play devils advocate here OP, are you 100% sure all the injuries came from this boy? Is there a chance he did something once and she is blaming him for other incidents involving a different child, it might explain how teachers don't see? I work with this age group and a few years ago a little girl, extremely shy and possibly autism, became terrified of a boy after a playground incident where he had shouted in her face. She began having nightmares and was afraid to go to school, and told her mum he had pushed and hurt her. We watched them like a hawk and there were no incidents but she continued to run off or start crying when he just walked near her. This went on for sometime until the Mum came again very upset and said there had been two or three incidents that week and some the previous week, she was not visibly injured but complained of pushing shouting hitting etc. However the boy had been absent for a month as he had gone abroad and she was fabricating the whole thing, the fear was real but not the incidents. Obviously it's different as she wasn't showing injuries, someone is no doubt injuring your girl OP but I'm just cautioning you to be really really sure.

IVFmumoftwo · 01/04/2025 18:10

Go and check out that school. It can't be worse than the current one.

Atffeszd · 01/04/2025 17:45

Is there a way you can report a school for not safeguarding?

fashionqueen0123 · 01/04/2025 16:49

kurotora · 01/04/2025 16:09

I’ll be honest, a number of them are local and seem to be friends with this family and/or related to them - we’re not big social butterflies and as I’m not sure who knows who, I don’t want to tell the wrong person and end up attracting harassment from the big group. However, with another child we got to know from nursery, her parents have put in for a transfer due to different serious school failings - they’re also still waiting. There’s no class WhatsApp.

With the other child, she was so happy at nursery, bright and bubbly and confident and lovely. By half term in Reception she ended up utterly miserable at school, crying daily, afraid of the teacher, school refusal. The school told her mum that “what happens before school is your problem”.

Edited
Show quote history

What the hell.

I know you said that other school has a bad rep but it can’t be worse than this?? Maybe the other child will join yours!

Needlenardlenoo · 01/04/2025 16:12

Hi OP, don't discount any school. Go and see for yourself. Sometimes management can be more effective at a school improving from a low point, and reputations can be out of date.

Original poster
kurotora · 01/04/2025 16:09

fashionqueen0123 · 01/04/2025 14:54

Are any other parents as horrified by his kids behaviour as you? Have none of them complained yet? We've had much less worse stuff going on and it spreads like wildfire amongst the mums if a child gets hurt repeatedly. A child like this is either not suitable for mainstream school or needs a 1-2-1 who should be watching them like a hawk. Its not acceptable at all.

I’ll be honest, a number of them are local and seem to be friends with this family and/or related to them - we’re not big social butterflies and as I’m not sure who knows who, I don’t want to tell the wrong person and end up attracting harassment from the big group. However, with another child we got to know from nursery, her parents have put in for a transfer due to different serious school failings - they’re also still waiting. There’s no class WhatsApp.

With the other child, she was so happy at nursery, bright and bubbly and confident and lovely. By half term in Reception she ended up utterly miserable at school, crying daily, afraid of the teacher, school refusal. The school told her mum that “what happens before school is your problem”.

OP posts:
Atffeszd · 01/04/2025 16:07

I know I'm not much of a help here but I can't get it out of my head about how horrid this situation is. And that the school is doing nothing. What teacher can stand by and let someone just assault another. I thought teachers had a duty of care.

Original poster
kurotora · 01/04/2025 16:00

doodleZ1 · 01/04/2025 15:45

If you are in Scotland OP Please find out from the Council who is in charge of complaints about that school and ask to talk to them. It just takes one phone call to find out who that is. Arrange to go and see them face to face with all your pictures. You won’t get any issues there and they will know very well what schools have free places or are about to get free places. Kids move schools all the time for loads of reasons. If you want another school I wouldn’t be too worried what the Head thinks, so be the squeaky wheel that becomes a priority. Tbh you will be in a good position to get another school place if they think for one minute that you will go to the press with your pictures as proof, that would be a nightmare for them. They don’t have to know you don’t want to do that. Publicity like that is one thing the Council will do everything in its power to avoid. Don’t doubt that. The school can’t make you at fault as your child didn’t assault anyone. Stop worrying about the school, go above them and keep doing it. Keep a paper trail so they can’t deny anything and remember this is a failure of their “duty of care” so keep mentioning that in every email. It’s their failure and they need to fix it.

I’m not in Scotland now - Glaswegian now living down south in my husband’s home town! But the system of complaints sounds similar. I’m waiting for the council to get back to me - chased them up again today for a call back.

OP posts: