Sad about reaction to summer residential trip but is it a sign of the times?

Attitudes have changed from 10 years ago then (unless it was just my DC’s class). There were one or two parents with concerns (including me with a child that suffered from anxiety), but everyone went and it was a great and useful experience. Maybe it depends on the teachers going with them. But I think a lot has changed in the past 10 years and we have more anxious parents and children.
It was such a positive experience- what a shame.

I can't imagine it's much different, maybe it's just dependent on the child. I hated residential trips and was so homesick, I now have been diagnosed with ASC and ADHD, the anxiety was huge for me. I'd be happy if my kids did want to go, but both are also ASC and struggle a lot with anxiety, fitting in and bullying. My eldest is also trans, which threw up a load of extra problems I hadn't thought of before when we looked at a French school trip as their policy is to place him in a separate room, which the accommodation didn't have, and with the mounting stress he decided not to go.

My daughter is in year 3 and is going for a 4 night residential with her cub group in May! She is anxious but will love it when she goes.

Our school (like a PP) starts with a one night in Yr3 and adds a night each year. In both my dds year groups it’s been very unusual for children not to attend - maybe one or two over the whole time - even the more anxious children normally have a go and are fine.

I’m always a little nervous - especially when they go abroad - but they really do get a lot out of the trips in terms of independence and the fun of being away in dorms with friends.

What drawbacks? Children need to spread their wings, knowing we will be there to catch them if they fall. Both of mine went on every trip we could afford and both were really chilled on return.

My eldest is 13 she loved her Yr6 trip it was just after COVID she had missed two years of school and loved trying so many new things it was only two nights away from home. The kids were great at cheering each other on! I will be very sad if my 10-year-old doesn't get the chance they also do Brownie and Guide Camps. They walk themselves to school 10 year old has since the start of Yr5 , 13 year old walks 40 minutes to secondary school. I send them to the local shops. Neither are particularly outgoing. At 13 I was being sent to France on my own to stay with a strange family on a French Exchange. I am so grateful for the teachers for putting on these opportunities. There is no way I can afford the residential in secondary so thank heavens for these chances.

Well yes, I’m not saying the world is more dangerous now, just that the certain conditions around this cluster of awful events (all within a short space of time, very high media coverage etc) made it a bad few years for parent anxiety and I think once people parent a certain way, it catches on to their kids in turn etc

True, but a lot of that was because the 00s were the start of 24hr news reporting. I'm sure there were all sorts of cases regarding children that didn't always make the national news.

These days the daily news of the entire country is carried around in our pocket.

Statistically it's no more a risk for kids to go out playing now, than it was in the 80s. In fact, with kids all having mobile phones, smart watches etc is probably safer than ever. It's parents who are pushing their anxieties onto their kids.

I allowed my kids to go to the park behind my house alone, and spied at them over the fence. But it gave them a feeling of independence, started when they were 5 and were allowed 30 mins at a time and progressed to longer and further away as they got older.

We have to allow our kids to experience the world, learn to make decisions and weigh up risk. Teach stranger danger, teach how to get to a safe space if needed, teach them to stay together etc.

We'll sadly never eliminate risk, but we're in a better position than ever now.

Yes but those cases are decades apart. I’m talking about 4 high profile murders within the space of a couple of years.

@Emily47 that was my sons experience. I also did PGL for him for a week in the summer holidays from 8 upwards. As an only one he loved it - he’s always since been an independent soul- we did 18 months state boarding school for him age 12 and by then he could get all the way from Redhill back to where we were in Twickenham by train with changes etc. at 17 he was in a shared house whilst doing a tech apprenticeship and at 19 was in London in a shared house whilst working. He’s 26 now and a mature and well rounded young man and despite a few hiccups ( adult diagnosed ADHD) he’s always been very good at dealing with change and I think it’s because he had lots of very varied experiences -I’m very proud of him

I used to teach, and our school had the very sensible policy of starting in Y3 with a one night trip fairly locally, the Y4s went a bit further afield for 2 nights, and so on until the Y6 children went abroad for a week. Some of them did struggle with a bit of homesickness and seasickness but on the whole they got so much out of it. A few very vocal parents complained they couldn't afford it though and the trip was scrapped. (The thing was, if someone was struggling, their kid's place could be subsidised)

I think it was the Y4 trip that really seemed to make the difference - if they got used to being away at 8/9 they were way more able to cope with the longer trips later on.

I do remember one child who came to France though - we knew of course that she had significant SEN, but her parents didn't tell us that she also struggled hugely with dressing herself/washing etc. Of course we would have kept a much closer eye on her if we'd had a heads up. Turned out that she didn't shower or change her pants all week. Poor thing absolutely stank. Still feel bad about that all these years later. Communication between parents and teachers is key.

This is all really sad - though the school can also help manage it. I am a governor at a school where they start residentials with a one night trip in Year 2 (we rent a local brownie camp) and build up to a 5 night trip to London in Year 6. There are a few tears in Year 2 but generally the parents seem much more anxious than the children, who forget all about Mum & Dad the minute the bus away pulls round the corner.

I have a relative of the same age and asked where they were going for their residential and mom said they weren't going, nobody was because most people didn't want their children to go! I think its really sad, all of mine went and really enjoyed it and I still remember my own experience. I thought it was a coming of age thing. Surely a sign of the times because I think if mine were small now they wouldn't be doing sleepovers although I definitely chose to host more than they ever went to in fact I don't think the youngest has ever other than his residential so yeh times change.

My daughter went on a residential trip in Y5 and it is just as well she did to because Y6 was Covid year for her so she missed the bigger residential trip the school offers. The children all had a great time.

Tbh, that’s an unusually long residential trip. I’m sure they used only to be 3 or 4 nights away. I imagine for that length of stay, including food and activities the cost alone would be prohibitive for many parents. Especially, if they are intending to pay for a holiday for the whole family as well.
That’s very different from an occasional sleepover at a friend’s or grandparents’ house. Some DC would love the opportunity, but it might be stressful for others, your DC included. I wonder why the school has chosen somewhere so far away?

If this is the first trip I can understand the anxiety. Through two different primary schools my dtr had 4 ‘away’ school trips. First one was 2 days overnight and because we live rural it was…1 mile from where we live. 😳But she was only p3 and similarly young for age (and undiagnosed asd) didn’t do anything for herself. I packed ‘clothes into bags ie wear all these together then change into these then wear these next day. Sorted.

Except she didn’t wear any of them and wore same thing for both days! No brushing of hair or teeth. Didn’t wear pjs. But the midnight feast/ sweets were eaten. Hey ho.

As the years went on the trip got longer and a bit further away I just addressed the anxiety by saying I would pick them up if they didn’t like it. Never got the call and she made her best friends on these trips not in the playground. And noticeably more indépendant.

If your child has real support the needs then discuss with school- from an inclusivity basis they should be accommodating.

re mollycoddling…it’s difficult to judge. I was a latchkey kid from age 7, went to guide/ scout camps every year (my only ‘holidays’ in my childhood), but UK today is a very different place from the 70/80’s.

Different kids manage things differently. As a child I went on a residential in middle school and was homesick. Physically had the anxiety tummy aches and the runs a bit. I stayed but to my had to let me ring home. I did brownie camp fine. I did guide camp and went home early but that was more to do with a bully for a patrol leader. In high school I went abroad on a residential and was fine. I left home to go to uni at 18 and loved it. My sister however did less trips and when she left home for uni she lasted a weekend and quit.

My kids are different. My eldest has done brownie and guide overnight trips as well as a young leader residential. She is also doing an abroad trip. Her y6 residential was cancelled due to Covid but she didn’t want to go on the y7 trip that was offered at high school. My youngest hasn’t stuck at hobbies in general but has never done a residential. She refused the y6 on after I had paid for it. She was excited for ages then dropped out last minute. I was a bit cross as I lost the money but I couldn’t force her to go. She has panic attacks and is currently receiving CBT type therapy. She has refused the high school residentials that have been offered since. She does go for sleep overs with a friend and has camped with a friend and their family though.

I work in a school and have seen the reluctance to’let go’ getting worse each year even before the pandemic (although even more so since). Parents asking if they can go too, wanting to call their child each evening. As a beaver/cub/Scout my child was very used to being away from home, even abroad on a couple of occasions for a week at a time. Yes it was an anxious time for us (more so as he has a serious medical condition) but I wanted him to be as independent as possible. He only went on trips he wanted to take part in and I fully trusted his leaders. When he went on his school camp he said that many of his classmates parents had tried to talk them out of going. They had a great time.

Try not to despair. As I child I hated overnight trips; I found them totally overwhelming and would just completely shut down (wouldn’t eat or speak or really do anything). At about age 16 I finally went on a trip I really wanted to go on, and loved it; after that I went away any chance I got. I just wasn’t ready before then. Your daughter will change as she matures, and she might surprise you with what she wants to do!

My daughter is in guides and we had to say no to two overnight trips this year. She just wouldn’t cope, she autism and sensory processing disorder. It makes me so sad because I was a scout and I lived for camping trips but that’s the way it is unfortunately 😢

But every generation has these cases. For my parents it was the Moors murderers. James Bulger’s murder was in 1993. Linda Bowyer was murdered in 1952 and Broadmoor continued to have sirens sounding in the local area until the 2020s.

I taught primary for over 20 years; retired now. I planned, organised and took Year 4, 5 & 6 pupils on many trips, educational and residential. In one year I did 14 trips, 4 of which were residential. It may have been a few years ago but it seems the same issues are occurring. Some kids had never slept anywhere except their own homes, some were very nervous, some parents were open about not trusting the staff attending, most kids (especially girls) wouldn't go if they couldn't share with certain others, or if they had to share with particular people. We got very used to addressing each issue and in all the years, very few kids did not attend. These were some of our strategies:-
We had a 'practice' 2 night sleepover weekend within the school where kids brought sleeping bags & slept on gym mats in their classrooms (familiar environment). They were encouraged to bring a favourite soft toy. Disco on the Friday evening, made their own pizzas, sing-song & hot drink before bed. All slept as knackered by then! Bushcraft & other activities the next day, film in the evening. Parents collected them Sunday morning. The kids had a ball & parents had a break. Hard on the staff but worth it.
If we had kids with specific needs, we would allow a parents of that child to come on the trip with them. I was also responsible for writing the risk assessments too & getting them signed off by the Heads (2 signatures).
If during the trip, a child was homesick & wanting to go home, we would consult their parent/s by phone. Usually they'd say for us to deal as we thought appropriate; can't remember any ever coming to collect their child!
I will say that the feedback from parents afterwards was overwhelmingly positive. As staff, we saw the kids in a very different light whilst away. They gained confidence (some hugely), supported & encouraged each other, & issues between them were rare. I loved taking them away; we had such fun & it allowed us as staff to really get to understand each child at a level not possible within the school day. From taking my Year 5 class to a posh hotel (all behaved impeccably as were overwhelmed by the oppulence!), to staying in a Youth Hostel, to playing hide & seek, armed with water blasters in a forest (staff against the kids who won). I hope some of them have as happy memories of those trips as I do.
My advice? Yes! Give your kids the opportunity to experience a residential. It will broaden their social skills, increase their self-confidence and is a milestone in their growing up.

But that's about you, not them

I allow mine to go on trips if they want to, my oldest child (11) is SEN and she won't go, my youngest (10) went on camp last weekend with a club they attend, and will be going on school residential Wednesday- Friday this coming week.
Also a single parent, my oldest will not stay anywhere other than at home. Won't even go to her dad's, younger daughter is more confident although she still prefers to be at home.
I get the less freedom though because tbh I would need to know parents before allowing any sleep overs, only friends house my youngest has had a sleepover is next door

The problem is there's a moral element to it. Clearly "good parents" keep their children safe. Letting a 3 year old play out unsupervised would clearly be negligent but as children get older, it's all about shades of grey and individual circumstances, but it's easy to hit purity spirals and see "safe" as a binary with everything else being "unsafe". If I haven't explained what I mean well, read a car seat ERF thread

I think threads where clusters of parents are overly anxious about letting children (without additional needs) go on residentials and do things like send air tags or stay in hotels nearby have hit social contagion and purity spirals on an unrealistic standard of "safe" that is out of touch with children's needs and the benefits they get from a gentle, appropriate build up of independence.

I've found 20 years of youth groups helpful in maintaining a sense of perspective about what children are capable of with raising my own.

The hard bit is where we've lost safety in numbers. I'm happy to let mine play out as was common in the area 15 years ago, but there's no one avaliable to play out with. The culture was seriously inhibited by Covid restrictions prohibiting it as they hit a sensible age with it and they've ended up where playing together means gaming together online. Also the formalisation of childcare and activities means they don't want a casual kickabout on the green when they spent the morning playing football in a formal team and have had several training sessions through the week and that comes with a loss of casual social connection.