To be 100% honest about kids/marriage intentions on first date?

I only had one proper relationship before meeting DH. Like you I was picky and knew what Iwas looking for. Was 28 when I met him. Been married for 35 years this year.

It's very intense, it sounds like a job interview or one of the questions that people at tedious networking events think are really clever.

With those kinds of questions she's going to end up with someone a lot older than her.

Ok, aged 20, regardless of what constitutes ‘fun’ for you, you shouldn’t be closing down your life before you’ve had a chance to discover who you actually are as an adult.

Yes, of course people meet people at university and stay with them, as it’s a great time to encounter lots of different people on your wavelength, for friendships as well as partnerships, but happening to meet someone you like that happens to turn into a lasting relationship is entirely different to dating aged 20 with the declared intention of ‘dating to marry’. Why is she so fixated?

I hate this phrase "at 20 you should be having fun".... who are we to decide what's fun! Some people love partying, some people hate it. Some people are happy to have one night stands or casual flings, others aren't. Some people want to travel the world, others don't want to leave their home country. There's no right or wrong, and there's no "I've lived a better life than you" just because I didn't live my life exactly as you did!

This question is very intense for a first date. I would have been put off by such a question when I was young and dating.

Dating is your 20s is supposed to be fun.

I'm torn on this one! I don't believe everyone needs to "have fun and go on dates". I also think the best sex is with someone you love and trust so I did laugh a little at the person who said she should be off having great sex! 😅 I agree with her that there's no point in her wasting time with someone who just wants a few casual dates and no relationship.

But at the same time, it seems very full on. I think she can be honest about not wanting something casual without having to get someone's entire life plan before deciding if she'll pursue it. I'm engaged, 2 kids, forever job, and I would still cringe and struggle to answer if someone asked me about my thoughts in my 80s!

Life is ever changing, people change their minds and opinions and values, and bumps happen along the way that means not everything works out exactly as we have planned.

I mean good for her but it does seem very young. At 20 I feel you should be having fun, working out who you are and what type of men you like, travelling, partying etc. I know everyone's different and not all young people want to travel or party but it seems so young to settle down. Barely an adult.

But surely you understand that people are different? I would have loved to have settled down in my early twenties. At 24 I was so unbelievably broody it was torture and I had to wait another decade before I could finally be a mum. By 23 I'd been to university and worked abroad and I just wanted to find a nice man to marry and build a life with.

As it was, the world was full of dickheads that wanted casual sex and no commitment. My twenties were a truly miserable time for me and I only felt fulfilled in life when I became a mother at 35, the career and high salary that I'd attained by that point meant very little to me. I also wouldn't dream of having children without being married and don't apologise for that! My biggest regret in life is that I didn't ignore my best friend and my mother who were telling me that I was too young to have babies, and follow my own path.

Some people aren’t interested in sex outside of serious relationships, and that’s perfectly fine.

That's a bit OTT I have requirements I ask pre date and it doesn't necessarily mean I want those things now. It just means I don't want to waste my time being with someone who wants the complete opposite so that when I'm ready to have the things I want then I want to know I'm with the right person rather than wasting time dating people who don't have the requirements that I want.

Just because you have non negotiables you want in a partner it doesn't mean you want to do everything now, it's more that just being on the same page doesn't waste any time

I think it would be worth rewording this as

"I've just been on a first date and they said they were looking for marriage and children and didn't want to invest any time or money in dating if this wasn't an end goal."

See what replies about red flags you get.

It's up to her how she approaches dating. They were some of the best times of my life (and we didn't have casual sex) ...fun,laughter, days out, nights out, sad break ups, break ups that are still friends now, and I still met someone compatible who I've been married to for 33 years and have a mortage free at 48 forever home.

I'd have fun particularly if she plans to travel as that can kill relationships, I'd probably hold back on her approach for a few years. Personally I'd have been comfortable on the receiving end of that but many decent people just aren't ready at 20.

At 20? Wow ....

I see it differently. I had two serious long term relationships before I met my husband late twenties. These two relationships ran from teen years to mid twenties. I don’t regret them one bit and certainly don’t see them as wasted time as they made me who I am today and taught me so much about myself, relationships and life and what I wanted and didn’t want from a spouse and marriage. We also had lots of fun together (inc travelling the world and lots of great experimental sex in my twenties so that’s out of my system 😂) while they lasted. I am genuinely glad I didn’t meet my husband younger as I’m not sure any of us were ready for our relationship and how seriously we both took it until we met.

BUT what I would say is we found TTC mid thirties ish straightforward. I think I’d feel differently if we didn’t and perhaps I’d wish we met and settled down a bit younger perhaps.

I have always been up front about it. Having children is incredibly important to me, I would not want to waste my time if it wasn’t important to someone else. Maybe not on the first date but definitely by the second date. It didn’t scare my husband off, he felt the same.

I know plenty of people who met their life partner at 19/20, at university. In my immediate and extended family with around 20 adults aged from 25 to 87, all apart from one are married to or with the person they met at university at around 20. Obviously the younger ones have only been together a few years so who knows what will happen but they certainly intend to stay together, others have been together many decades. The one who isn't got divorced but we must luckily be good at making choices as no other divorces. ( Not religious or anti divorce, in fact all atheists and strong feminist women who don't put up with any crap). Many of my friends are similar too.

I think that's a hysterical reaction.

Damn right I’m judging. In the OP’s shoes, I’d be really worried about her.

Hmm, I wouldn’t have brought it up so young/so prematurely (on a first date or even after a few dates) personally. My husband is thoroughly decent and always wanted marriage and children but I think he’d have run a mile tbh. I think that conversation comes quite naturally when you start falling for each other and well after sex etc - but fair enough if people don’t want to sleep with people who aren’t the person they want to marry and have kids with. This is how it went when I met my husband at 27. I am so, so glad I didn’t settle with who I thought was my soulmate and had been with from 20-25. I was devastated when it ended but met someone far more suited to me. Tbh, I hope my daughters won’t want to settle so young but that’s their business if they do! But there’s a world out there beyond marriage and kids, as wonderful as both are when the time is right…

Also, online dating is a pretty common way to meet nowadays I think. There are some less desirable sorts to sift through but I met my lovely husband on Tinder. As long as it’s used safely…

Why is it settling, as opposed to filtering? She's filtering to identify a partner who has the same instinct to start a lifelong partnership and build a home.

If she were filtering for someone who wanted to spend their twenties travelling - she could do that too. That wouldn't be settling either

Or, she can live the life she wants to live and find what works for her. Such judgement here. When I think of the time I wasted, doing all the things you describe, I wish I’d not bothered.

I would also be wondering what was so lacking in her life that she was on some demented fast-track to marriage and kids when she’s barely finished school, at a time when most peiole are interested in opening up their lives, not closing down opportunities.

Which is fine I'm sure she's not holding a gun to people's head, it's fine for some not for others.

My young adult kids are her complete opposites and I can definitely relate more to them than your child's approach. Their biggest fear would have been to meet someone in their teens/early 20s and settle down. They both want to date many different types of people, they want to travel and have holiday flings and just have fun before it's time to find the one. Your learn so much about yourself and what you actually want from dating around. I think that is fairly normal at that age and they would definitely be scared off if they went on a first date and got the vibe from the other person that they are looking for their forever after person.