DH walking ahead

Do you have access to family money OP?

I don’t think him walking ahead is your biggest issue.

OP before I knew I was autistic I was like your DH, and it caused my own DP a lot of distress.

In those days we ended up agreeing to travel separately and meet at a venue (my choice) each with our own tickets etc.

This really helped me in that I could start to see how stressful and anxious I found travelling to places and find ways of doing things that worked for me.

Things are generally better now in that 1. I go out a lot less or go to things solo as I've found this is how I like to do things and 2. When we do something together e.g. a holiday I have more sense of timing and pace as I'm not drained from previous joint excursions.

For context I do like my DP, I just need to travel at a very different rate and pace to him.

ExH did this. He just didn’t care and probably liked me scurrying after him, often I was encumbered by children, so couldn’t just pick up the pace. I discussed it with him so many times but it made no difference. DP never does this, even though his walking pace on his own is much faster.

My DH does this as well. What's wrong with them? Every time he does it I take another path so that he'll lose time finding me. Passive agressive but oh how satisfying. For some time he will remember not to walk ahead until he doesn't and then I'll do it again.

Just let him get lost and stop trying to keep up with him. I would intentionally lose him if he started doing that to me

I've done this too 🤣 Wind-up merchant is part of my core personality.

Then what you are telling us is that you are actually in a coercive controlling and thus abusive relationship of which the walking ahead is just one symptom? I’d be planning to leave after 17 years. I’d also in the interim, be taking charge of the tickets or simply not going out with him any more.

My dad and my partner both do this. I think in both their cases it is due to lack of awareness of other people/ social norms.... they are just doing their thing. So I just do mine... I do make sure I have my ticket/ key etc though as me and a group of friends once got locked out of our accommodation overnight in Bilbao after OH walked on ahead to catch the last train and got locked in the metro station on his own when it closed with no mobile signal until 6am!

I am physically disabled and can walk but am often slow.

occasionally my husband would walk off at a fast speed and I felt like a toddler trying to keep up with him. I hated being behind trying to keep up as it made me feel so insignificant.

I sat him down and told him how it made me feel and reminded him that due to my disability I can’t keep up and don’t want to feel lesser and behind when I can’t go any faster.

he just genuinely didn’t realise he was doing this - in my case - there was no malice - he was just was striding out purposefully towards our destination totally forgetting that I couldn’t go as fast (variable condition so good days and bad days affect my speed too)

now we either always hold hands which helps my pace and stability and means I can set the speed and chat alongside him or on days when I’m needing both hands for my walking aids - he remembers to walk next to me and never leaves me behind.

he really took to heart what I said because he is a good man and it was a genuine oversight as he hadn’t thought through how it feels to be disabled and unable to keep up.

try to talk to him and if it is because he is a last minute person - I’d stress to him that you would prefer to leave more time to get to places as rushing is stressing you out, as is being left behind in walks.

i really hope he will be reasonable about it when you speak to him.

This is classic narcissism

Mine does this. Hate it.

Insist he sends you your tickets so you have them on your phone.
If you are not in a hurry to get anywhere, go into a shop and look around, don’t run after him.
I had an ex who would disappear into shops. At first I used to look frantically for him. Then one day I told him to stop doing it. To have the manners to tell me where he would be otherwise I would just walk on and leave .

My dad used to do this to us all in the 80s. He didn’t want to be seen with us was the reason.

My dh walks significantly faster than me so always goes ahead. I’m not jogging behind him!!

I walk at my pace, if he wants to go ahead fine but I will pop into a shop/grab a coffee etc . I just text him. If we we going somewhere that needs tickets he either waits for me or doubles back on himself.

My dh is generally considerate and I am a fast walker. However if he does get too far ahead I slow down and he will come back to find me.

@Angelofmycoins you need a job, your dh isn’t going to change.

My husband does this but strangely only when we go shopping. He’s in Lidl before I’ve even got the bags for life out of the boot.

There was a very similar thread maybe a year ago. Not sure if anyone can find it and link.
Again longstanding problem with husband of many years and her accused of dawdling when she walked at normal pace.
Her final straw was seeing Grand Canyon on a family holiday she’d planned he marched ahead.
I think her solution was just to do her own thing.

Narcissistic men do this. Mine did it and also did things like say he’d be in a certain shop and meet me later and then just not go to where we had agreed. So I’d be left waiting. Or when he went out of a hotel early without saying and I was stuck in the room with no car keys or room key and him uncontactable. It’s a horrible power /control thing. It can’t be fixed.

I fear the walking ahead is just one issue in a whole long list of serious issues. One being you don't earn money - but do you have access the money he earns?

My XH used to do this (also wouldn't share money, controlling, sabotaged plans etc.) so your post has set alarm bells off for me.

From my own experience there is a lot of support on MN if you need it.

On the occasion my dog does this, I hide until she realises and has to waste time looking for me.

She's learning quite fast.

Ps I personally don’t think it’s that they think so little of women, I think it’s just a selfish’gotta get to where I’m going’ thing

My dad with Asperger’s does this

It's a huge narscasistic trait, please Google it there's so much advice online about it

I always remember dh saying he found this so sad with his parents, and he saw a lady struggling once as the man walked ahead and said how awful it was. As our marriage got on (I act like we’re old but are mid 40s), he did the same. Weirdly it’s one thing I can’t bring myself to say- you said your dad did this to your mum, because it makes me feel like I’d sound a bit needy or pathetic (doesn’t really matter anyway, our marriage isn’t great now)

Are you being financially abused OP? If so that is the main issue. Is he abusive in other ways?