Am I in the wrong here?

How old are your children and who’s doing most of the parenting at weekends? Are you planning to go back to work?

It sounds like maybe you need more support. Is getting in some home help an option?

Does your DH have his own support? Does he get counselling or have good friends to talk to?

I know a couple in a similar situation and it's not easy on either side. They're now getting some external supports in place.

I’m going to come at it from your husband’s perspective because I’ve been in this position with a partner who didn’t/couldn’t work for months whilst I worked in a stressful and physical job and the toll it took on my mental and physical health was horrendous.

Coming home from work to the house upside down and having to cook tea and tidy up before being back up at 5am for work, plus all the mental and financial responsibility for everything, childcare, days off spent doing more chores. He had usually spent the day lying on the sofa watching TV. It was like being a single parent but with the added work of having an (incredibly messy) adult to look after and financially support. However much sympathy you have for what your partner is going through it is impossible not to feel resentment.

Some of the replies come across as though because one person is going though a period of illness then the other person should just accept becoming some sort of slave, whose life, needs, happiness, mental and physical health don’t matter. Well I disagree, and older and wiser I would never live like that again. Perhaps I’m an awful person but my health and happiness are important too.

Admittedly it sounds like my situation was more extreme if I am right in thinking you are still doing the majority of the household tasks/childcare? But I’m just trying to give some insight into what it’s like on the other side. And if your illness is so severe that it is effectively a disability stopping you being able to manage every day tasks and household chores then perhaps apply for financial assistance to get some help.

I'm really sorry about your mum. I don't know whether your fella should be doing more things or not, but I also have diagnoses for c-PTSD, bi-polar and ADHD and I have definitely had very long and very hard episodes of those - they'll all interact, of course, and have secondary physical and mental effects, it is shit. I live on my own now, but I have had long term partners who have been with me through these times and it is shit for them too.

Especially with the loss of your mum, it sounds like you're really looking for (and really need) positive comfort and care - not only to support you with your disabilities, but more, to help to heal your grief. It might be helpful to think about this more in terms of what you need to feel rather than what he should be doing - there may be other ways for you to feel cared for and looked after and it may be that he just has no extra capacity on top of what he's already dealing with - this will be hard for him too. Have you thought about bereavement therapy?

From the sounds of it, he is doing sweet FA and needs a boot up the arse.

He's shouldering 100% of the financial responsibility! That alone can be stressful.

And it can be incredibly draining living with somebody who's experiencing severe mental health issues. Often, you feel unable to discuss your own 'lesser' stresses as you're trying to be 'the strong one' and be there for them. You end up putting yourself second, which can be necessary but also sometimes isn't healthy in the long term.

I'm not saying this to make OP feel bad, but if she's in the situation where she's been off work six months and even whilst resting all day can't manage to do the housework, surely she must be able to empathise with her husband needing a quick nap after working all day and taking on all financial responsibility.

I did read that she’d been off for 6 months. And it sounds like it would be awful - she suffers from serious mental illnesses and fibromyalgia. Anyone would struggle with that, and recovery will take as long as it takes. Sick leave is not the same as a holiday. If someone is not well enough to work, then it would follow that they would not be well enough to take all of the household chores, nor should they be expected to.

Her original post says she just wants some help from her husband, she didn’t suggest she wants him to take on everything. She just wants help. That is not unreasonable. From the sounds of it, he is doing sweet FA and needs a boot up the arse.

Absolutely horrible reading some of the posts here, happier to demand an unwell person makes herself more unwell than accept that a husband might need to just bloody hoover once in a while.

Didn't mean that to sound insensitive. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in my teens and know what it's like to feel like you can't do anything. But usually I could if I just physically got up and did it. In some cases I had no choice really as it was either that or end up homeless/in a hostel etc if I couldn't pay my rent.

I don't think sitting around helps tbh and it's something I'd fight tooth and claw as far as I was able. I think building up to doing the housework etc could be a step to getting back to work, as no doubt being back at work all day will be more tiring.

I don't know whether your condition is that severe that you're bedbound or similar, but I thought agoraphobia was a fear of large spaces? Does this affect using the washing machine/hoover/etc?

I know severe depression etc can leave people barely able to function but I also know a few bipolar people who manage to live on their own and keep on top of stuff, so it's hard to comment on that.

If you're literally sat on the sofa/in bed all day and can't do anything I think it's a priority to try and get this resolved ASAP with medical assistance.

He obviously doesn't get it does he. What was he like before you became ill, did you have to do everything then as well or did he contribute to chores & children?

I have Agoraphobia, CPTSD and chronic fatigue. All of these things have been diagnosed (not self diagnosis).

I have struggled with the above for over 10 years.

At my worst, I left the house around 3 times in 12 months.

During that time I was a "housewife". I assumed the complete running of the household whilst DH worked full time. I would never, ever have expected him to do any housework.

If I was especially tired he would suggest getting a takeaway and we did keep some good quality ready meals in the freezer, but otherwise I cooked every meal.

I self managed. I had a schedule with cleaning days. It really isn't a huge task if you choose one chore for each day of the week and do a bit each day.

You sound a bit stuck in a victim mentality which I 100% understand, believe me.

But you need to step outside that if you are going to have a functioning marriage and also heal yourself.

I had a lot of compassion for my DH whilst I was at the height of my sickness. It was emotionally and mentally draining for him to have a wife that was going through this and it was terrifying for him because unlike a broken leg, there was no end date to hope for.

I still struggle with all of those things, but I have gradually improved and whilst I don't do as much as the average person, I really push myself to live life to the fullest for myself and my family.

Invisible illnesses are the worst because you will face mocking comments and people thinking you are gaming the system or just plain lazy. I KNOW this isn't the case. But I also know that once you strengthen yourself mentally and change your outlook, you can get much more done.

If I leave the house I still need to rest or sleep when I get home. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Sometimes I sit in the bath and cry with how drained I feel... But the joy on my DHs face as we hold hands and go out together is worth it.

Sometimes I don't have the energy to cook dinner and clean the bathroom, but then I think to myself that both my DH and I deserve a clean environment and food to nourish us.

Try to reframe your annoyance at each task and instead be so proud of yourself when you have completed it. I reward myself a lot and find that dopamine helps me raise my energy levels.

Whether it's saving a new book for after I have done meal prep or a little bag of sweets and a cup of tea for after cleaning, it really does make me smile and find joy in the satisfaction of achieving simple things.

You can learn to find a new normal and function to the best of your ability. You may struggle with these things forever, I know I will, but I also know we only have one life to live so we can't afford to waste it.

I’m sorry to hear you’re so unwell. He should be doing some cooking and household chores regardless of your current situation, he’s a grown man and the house and children are his equally. Yes, when a parent (usually the mother) is at home the majority of the household chores does fall to that person, but even then the other should be doing something without needing to be told. Did he do anything when you were at work? Because either he’s always been shit or he’s punishing you for daring to be ill. I don’t think you’ll find balanced answers on AIBU though, more like martyrs who lost all their limbs and were back on the school run and cleaning their house top to bottom within a week because how could a man possibly be expected to even slightly put in the extra effort….

Is work not offering support,via occ health?
Is the 6 month point not when you drop to half pay?

I'm sorry about your mum.
How old are your children? Can they help?

What's the nature of his job? My DH will come home and finish up the tea and do the dishwasher if I'm feeling tired. I'm on my feet all day while he's more sedentary, so he doesn't mind doing those things and finds a bit of on his feet time helpful. Win win. If he has a very physical job, I can understand he might want to sit for a bit when he gets home first.

Do you have a slow cooker? That can help. Sometimes I also find it easier to prepare food in the morning ready to just pop in come evening.

So if you're not 'up for doing housework' what happens, does he do it when back from work? The dc dependent on age, or does the house descend into chaos?

I understand he doesn't offer to cook, but would he do it if you asked on a bad day?

Yes, it’s a hell of a long time to be showing no progress, and still be struggling to cook dinner.

6 months she has been off work. 6!
I've had 2 major spinal surgeries, I'm familiar with chronic pain and the mental load.

OP what are you doing to get better? Physical therapy, pain relief?

He's probably tired after a day's work so entitled to have a lie down. I understand you are not always able andvjust because you stay at home and especially with mental and physical illness, doesn't mean everything should be done by you. Why not come up with something together, where you are both doing your own bits around the house . You both sound drained and exhausted

Yes but what do you DO all day? Please don’t think I’m being unsympathetic by the way - I’ve had extended periods of time off myself for severe depression in the past.

She’s unwell fgs!

If the roles were reversed you can bet her DH would probably do nothing. And no one would bat a frigging eye.