People who has “step mums” - did you see them as equal to your own mum?)if she was present and a good mum)

You’re his mum and nothing will change that. Just focus on your relationship with him and not hypothetical scenarios

I'm a stepmom and I wouldn't think my step DC see me as anything close to their mother even though I'm fond of them and they are of me.

I am a step mum and I love my step children very much. They love me too but I will never replace their mum and would never expect too. All
of us adults have the children’s best interests at heart and my husband and his ex wife co parent well. I am there to support but don’t interfere as it’s not my role

I have my DSS full time and he absolutely sees me a mum, calls me mum and says that other people have two mum’s so why can’t he. BUT his mum is an alcoholic who exposed him to awful things and let him down so much and he’s lived with me for nearly half his life (he’s 10) and I’ve been with his dad since he was 2. If he didn’t live with me and his mum hadn’t damaged their relationship so much he wouldn’t have considered me the same way.

I would say that her having an issue with him loving me actually hurt their relationship more than ours. I always let him lead, never pushed the relationship and went with what he was comfortable with. I never intended to replace his mum and still don’t. So just trust that if you’re a good mum you’ll always be number 1 and how lovely if your child gets someone else who loves them too. I’d be much more worried if they weren’t nice!

I preferred my SM to my actual mother. Shame the wrong one died 3 weeks ago.

It's something to deal with yourself given your insecurity about it.

Some of my friends get jealous about my relationships with their kids when I only see them for a few hours a handful of times a year! It's because I buy them presents and take them to places and I'm a novelty rather than the one yelling because they haven't done their homework or lost their coat or whatever.

You're going to end up paranoid given the number of people who will be interacting with your child. You should enjoy it and feel happy that your child has people who love them around them, not everyone is that lucky.

I never saw her as a step mum, more as my dad's wife, if that makes sense?

She never took any place of my mum, nor did she ever try to. When I visited, it was very much time for me with my dad, not really us doing things the three of us like another family.

This was the 80s/90s though so blended families have probably evolved.

When I was younger there was some quiet resentment on my part that perhaps if she wasn't around my mum and dad would get back together. However, as an adult I can absolutely see my mum and dad were not suited for each other, why they even got married ill never know!

But I do know my dad and step mum loved each other very very much and made each other very happy, they just clicked, or worked, however you want to put it, but she never ever replaced my mum in any way at all.

I’ve been a step mum for over 30 years. My step daughter is 34. I have always been very aware that she has a mum, I’m not her mum but have always let her know she’s loved . The early years were tricky because her mum didn’t like me and was obviously vocal about it in front of her daughter. She’d ask me to plait her hair but made sure to take it out before going home. Sad that a 3 year old knew she’d get in trouble if her mum saw it.

I am a Stepmum. I'm definitely not a replacement for DSDs Mum and I don't want to take her away from her Mum.

I would say I'm just an extra adult in her life who loves and cares for her.

I pity anyone who is your child’s stepparent.

When my ds dad married his wife (now divorced) I feared she wouldn’t love him like a son and that meant he wouldn’t be as cared for around their house.

as it was she was marvellous and ds was safe and looked after when he visited and when we all lived to separate countries she was the one that instigated all contact with his dad via SM etc and got him gifts and cards sent for birthdays and Xmas.

I never get why woman fear someone else loving their child. It can’t ever be a bad thing surely?

My friend is a step dad and he is wonderful. His step son has a Dad and a Dan - they both mean the world to him. His wife’s ex gets on brilliantly with him and they all co parent together. Dan is not the boys dad and never will be, but he’s still an important, consistent, loving adult in his life.

In the best scenario, your son will just have more love in his life. It won’t be the same love, just different.

Hun. You’re clearly more worried about you, not your child’s happiness and their theoretical stepmum. Grow up.

I am a stem mom.

I have an “ex” stepdaughter ( split with her dad 17 years ago. She lived with me and her dad full time , then when we split I still did - and still do - see her regularly . When we were together I had no children and she was very young. I did not get on with her mother at all , it was a very frosty relationship with us.

I now have a stepdaughter - married to her dad - who comes to us some weekends / in holidays etc . Her mum is a lovely woman and I get on well with her.

Both very different situations and in neither of them have I ever been mean to the child ( I have my own children now too and they never get treated differently ) . I have never tried to take over the mum role , now obviously mum is very much present but in the previous situation she wasn’t involved as much, in that situation my stepdaughter asked to call me mum. I would always tell her I loved her very much but I would also always talk about her own mum with love and kindness and never try to get in the way of that relationship. When me and her dad split , I continued to see her and when she was about 14 she came to me in a grown up way and asked to call me mum. At that point I respected her decision and felt she was capable of making it so I said yes but I said if ever she wanted to stop it was fine. She now has a relationship with her mum ( I have actually spoken to her and she has thanked me for everything I did ) but still calls me mum too .

I just wanted to share a perspective as a step parent .

I’m a terrible one for anxiety but you can’t let this worry you before it even happens - your ex might never meet anyone else for one thing!

My kids have a step mum and I’d say she was more like an aunt than a Mum.

If you’re a good Mum, it’s highly unlikely your DS will see another person as equal to you, however nice they are!

You don’t. Your VERY FIRST bullet point is “what if my son sees her as a mother?”

All about you. Not your child.

Relationships throughout life are fluid. You can't therefore stall your own life trying to prepare for something you can't control.

Reality is your son likely will have someone filling the step mum role at some point but his and her relationship will probably have many ups and a few downs. Just like any other relationships. Being a parent includes allowing your children to form relationships with other people, and you will guide him along the way.

If she is good to him that's all you need to be concerned with.

I had a few step mums growing up, my dad kind of went off the deep end for a bit after my mum left him.
First one - was younger, she was super cool and nice, but never motherly. She did show me how to straighten my hair and put make up on me, which my mum went ballistic at because I was 8. She was just trying to be nice.
Second woman - my dad married her, she was horrible to me and my sister but okay with my brothers. She is honestly horrible and the way she treated me and the way my dad allowed her to treat me damaged mine and my sisters relationship with him for a long time. If the new step mum is mean to your son, it can really have an impact on his relationship with his dad.
Current step mum (his wife of 10 years) - love her so much! She’s amazing and kind. Even my mum gets on with her at family events, which is nice. No matter how much I love her and enjoy spending time with her, she isn’t my mum. No one will replace you! Even the best step mum in the world is more like an aunt as previous posters have said.