People who has “step mums” - did you see them as equal to your own mum?)if she was present and a good mum)

I’m a step mum. I could never replace dss’s mum and not would I want to. I see myself as an extra loving bonus adult in their lives. Don’t be like their mother though and be so unable to live with any step mum they might haves existence and start disparaging the step mum to them and going into crying rages if they so much as say they have had a good time when on their weekends with their other family. It ridiculous and it makes for some very messed up kids.

I'd agree with this.

I am a stepmum to two children, who I met when they were 6 and 2.5 respectively. I have been in their lives nearly 10 years now and I absolutely do not feel or act like a mother to them, very much more like an aunt.

I really wouldn't worry too much about someone trying to "take your son away", as much as I am fond of my SCs I am very happy with the way things are and would never look for more from them. My relationship is primarily with their dad.

I do just want to say all these comments reassuring you are based on you being a good (or even just normal) mum. We don't know what kind of mum you are - my mother would tell everyone she was a great mum, but she was not.

If you're rubbish and make your kid feel like shit, and the step mother does not, she is in prime position to take the "much needed loving mum" spot in your kids brain.

At the moment everything is weighed towards you. My mum was rubbish but there are still things I'd turn to her with over my stepmum, but that's because my stepmum is emotionally distant - if she wasn't, if she was kind and loving and accepting of me as a kid, it's possible my mother would have been toast.

I can understand your fear but be reassured, your ds will know the difference between his mummy (you) and someone his father has taken up with. Biologically there is no connection and as much as others on here will say it doesn't matter, children know. I only had to deal with it in my late teens and I made it very clear to dad's partner that I already had the best mum in the world and no space for another mum figure but we could be friends. Many, many years on and we get on just fine in a friendly way and are at ease with one another. You will want your ds to be cared about by stepmum but fear not, you're not being replaced.

No. I have a step dad who has been that since I was a child and a step mum who became that when I was about 17. I love both and we have a happy family but at no point ever has my step dad replaced my dad in my eyes, or my step mum replaced my mum. I know who my parents are because both of them have always been good parents.

No one will ever replace you - you are his mother and always will be. If in the long run your ex meets someone and she hopefully is a decent person, I think it's admirable of both separated parents to ensure it doesn't become a war between the adults in your child's life. You don't have to be best friends with this woman but respectful interactions [works both ways of course] teaches your child a lot but also creates a sense of security and normality in their lives too. Keep being a good mother and don't start feeling jealous of a woman who doesn't even exist yet. Best of luck.

Erm, can you imagine anyone every replacing your mum?

Despite my sister being the leaver, she was dubious about the step mum for precisely the reasons you've said. And the step mum was dubious of her at first too. Now step mum and dad are married, 5 years post split, sister and step mum communicate well, and sis know how much step mum loves and cares for the girls and how much they love her but she also knows that she's their mum and that's a totally different and stronger love. The kids now have 4 people to love them.

Don't worry. If he picks a good one it will be fine.

I’m a step mum and my son also has a step mum. My step daughter was 4 when I met her. She gave me a hard time but I sucked it up. She’s now 24 and she and I have a good relationship. She comes to me for advice etc and in the last few years I’ve even had a Mother’s Day card which is so lovely. I’ve never tried to be her mum as she has one already.

My son on the other hand had a difficult time with his step mum. He’s also in his 20’s now and he told me a few years back about how his step mum had been to him. Horrible at times.

Blended families are hard work for sure but if she’s a decent person then a step parent will hopefully be a bonus adult for them either as a child or later in life.

Stop being utterly horrible to someone who has vulnerably admitted that she is struggling with difficult feelings and asked for help.

You come off extremely poorly, as if you are taking out personal anger on the OP. Your spite says a lot more about you than her.

I treat my stepchildren like they are my own when in my care. Which decent human being wouldn't? By that I mean care for them, make sure they're OK, show them love etc.
I also know and respect that the children already have a mum and I am by no means ever a replacement! The children adore their mum and talk fondly of her all the time. Their love for her will never change and neither will your son's if your ex meets someone else.
I always think that children are very lucky to have so many caring adults in their lives. Who wouldn't want that for their child?

I get on great with my stepchildren (and their Mum actually too), but I can’t replace their Mum, nor do I want to.

I think we all feel it’s better that all of the adults get on, and all speak positively of each other in front of the children. We will make a point of highlighting thoughtful things their Mums partner or his family do for them, so they know it is okay and completely possible for everyone to get along.

My stepson would tell you he sees me more as a mum than his bio. But that’s because his mum was shit. Had she even been a half decent mother then this would not have happened. Bio parents are allowed to get off with a lot more than step parents.

I had a step mum, the less said the better, but I was an adult when dad married her so it’s different

I am a stepmom to 2 I love them like my own, they lived with us 50/50 from the age of 5 and 8 though I had known them from 1 and 4. At 11 and 15 they came full time because they lost their mum. I love them so much but I would never want or be able to replace their mum. I would like to think they love me but it’s a different love , it’s hard to explain really, we talk about their mum, she moved in and lived with us for 3 months before she went to hospice care so she was very much a part of our lives. I think it sums it up really when I say they call her mum, but they call me ma.

i don’t believe their mother ever had to question their feelings for her, and believe me it wasn’t always a bed of roses we’ve had our difficult times. But they always from the moment they were born loved her beyond all else, they have grown to love me ( well I think do ) we went from dads friend to a friend to the other mum / cook / bottle washer to ma. They always went to her first if they needed help, they always chose her above me, they always get a look in their eyes when we talk about her, and I wouldn’t have it different

There’s a bond between a mum and child that can’t be copied. There might be times when dad’s friend is more fun or cooks better food or can braid hair better. But she’s not mum

If you had a second child and your DS said said “Mum, I’m so worried that you having another child will mean you don’t love me any more” what would you say?

Im guessing something like, “Oh darling, love only grows and I have plenty for you both.”

If and when your ex gets in a relationship with a good woman who can be a good step mother to your DC you should be happy that your child has more people in his life, loving him and guiding him. He won’t have less love for you because there is someone else he can love, just as you won’t have less love for him if you have another child.

The only (adult) children I know who love their stepparents like parents are ones whose actual mother or father abandoned them and left a parent shaped "hole" in their lives. For my grown DSSs I have (not purposefully but purely because I was their primary caregiver with their siblings) fully became their Mum because while they were growing up their Mum was fully absent. Strangely, we all get on the absolute best now and I'm like an auntie to her younger children (my DSSs' siblings) but she is very much like an auntie to my boys.

If you're an active involved loving parent I can't imagine there's any chance of your being "replaced".

I put my all into being a mum and try my best for my kids as my mum didn’t with me so maybe I’m feeling secure because I am projecting? Idk

So you have more than one child?

How do you feel about the other one having a step mother?

I didn’t feel like this.. the more people who loved my kids the better. However much dd loves her step mum, I’m her mum.. it’s as simple as that.

However her step mum recently told me how much she loves (now adult) dd, and I told her we can share her!

It’s better for your son to have another person that loves him. I’m in my 40’s, my step mum has been in my life since I can remember, I was 3 when my parents divorced. I love her and she loves me and my sister but she’s not my mum. She has never tried to be a mum to us but she’s always been there and is a fantastic nan to my son & my nieces.

I get on ok with my stepmum, she’s a nice lady and mum to my half siblings and she never fucked up my relationship with my own mum. Nah, my mum did that all herself. One of the ways she did it was acting on the insecurities you’re having about this issue.

Be the best mum you can be to your child, enjoy your time together and encourage their relationship with their dad and his family. You’ll be fine if and when a stepparent comes on the scene.

Calm down your give yourself a heart attack. Live in the present. The future hasn't happened.

My step mum is my mum, she fulfilled the role of mother in every way my actual mum didn’t. My mum became very toxic when my step mum came into my life which hurt our relationship significantly. She was also very controlling and I would fear saying nice things about my dad or anyone else as she would somehow take that as a dig at her. It’s good you’re reaching out for support as I’d strongly recommend some before a real life step mum pops up. You’re feelings are valid but please don’t let your insecurities impact your relationship with your child, you sound like you love him very much! One more person loving your son will not take anything away from you, unless you let it.

My step mum was much nicer to me than my mum.