Son's girlfriend and argument.

Hi @DancesLikeAFairy cant you sit them both down at the breakfast table and be very firm (but nice) and say as much as you like her, going forward this is the way things are going to be. I’m entitled to my own space which I have worked for. You’re welcome to come round with a pizza for dinner every now and then but not to stay over. Done. If it’s not suitable for them they can book a B&B every week or get a job to fund rented accommodation. I would not have dared do such a thing in my parents’ home. Dared.

No it's not. With some people's bin collection being every 3 weeks a pile of pizza boxes could easily take up the entire recycling space leaving OP nowhere to put her own recycling. I doubt her DS is the one lugging the recycling to the kerb each time either and as a disabled person I'm sure the OP can do without the extra weight/bulk of multiple pizza boxes. What you don't notice when healthy can feel an unbearable burden when disabled, energy can be a very precious commodity.

@MasterBeth the key is you invited these people into your home. The OP hasn't. She is reluctantly tolerating an unwanted house guest invited by her son, both of whom are taking her for granted. That's the difference.

"I've tried just cooking for me and my son but she ran into kitchen and made toast for herself. I've tried asking her to bring food but she brings a ready meal and uses big oven."

....ok? I don't see what the problem is with that? I can't imagine caring about someone making toast or using the oven to heat their food up. You have issues.

@Zinnialime it's a poverty thing. Electric costs. Bread costs. When you can't afford to live a nice life yourself and are forced, through circumstances, to deny yourself many of the things you'd do/have if only you had a little extra money, then someone else costing you a few pounds here and there really really galls you and makes you detest them for their selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. I'm not at all surprised OP is stressed having such a person in her personal space all weekend every weekend.

It’s not mean to want to have at least some weekends to yourself and to not want to feed someone who invited themselves over and is then rude. Some people are real walkovers.

He has been raised very poorly if he thinks it is ok to treat his mother so badly.

I just caught up with the thread, didn't realise there were more pages in my haste to post!

Yep she sounds awful, way too familiar in your house Op. Wtf gives her the right to act like she lives there.

Can they try to stay at hers or won't her father allow it?

I should think that’s obvious.

Oh FFS.

Encouraging them to quasi live together now increases the danger that this twat will be part of the family long-term. Doesn’t decrease it. Pandering to a lowlife user in case she pops out grandkids is not the answer.

Though I’d be expecting an out of wedlock pregnancy any day, to keep the meal ticket alive.

Why isn't she good enough?

I was thinking the same. Park bench, cinema, car?

My dad would have thought I’d lost my mind if I’d announced that “Nick” was staying over under his roof. That would have been nipped in the bud in 15 seconds. Had I ever even had the notion, which would have been unthinkable in our family.

My adult dc live with me as they are saving to buy homes of their own and I am happy with this arrangement. I absolutely draw the line at partners though, no way in hell would i allow her to stay over every weekend. This is your home, say no and mean it.

A “long term girlfriend” staying over from 16???

You created this situation by allowing that nonsense in the first place.

People who allow their offspring to have overnight sexual partners baffle me. It’s just not something that happens in my world.

This particular girlfriend has him mesmerized with sex because she certainly doesn’t have much else going for her.

She has done sigh

When I was that age and we wanted a bf over, we asked permission, then when they did come over they were respectful, brought something along and behaved as if it were not their house. I will be raising my kids exactly the same. An adult isn’t automatically 18, it’s about doing everything an adult can actually do.

Whatever happened to canoodling in the woods quiet places 🤣

So it's a DS problem then... Tell him either the gf can call over 1 night a week or he can have friends over 1 night a week.

what bullshit.

Tell your son that adults operate their own household; they don’t mooch and impose.

Exactly. It’s bizarre. And inappropriate.

She was raised very, very poorly to impose on you and your home in this manner.

They're twenty fgs shaggin like rabbits, not married. She's upped the rent to £300, said one night a week only. That's fair. He never goes back to her family home and stays overnight.

It’s interesting that you’ve made negative comments about her upbringing but here’s your cf son moving his gf into your house without even asking and getting shitty with you because he thinks 25 pounds a week entitles him to. If he’s clever enough to figure out your snobbery towards her, he’s smart enough to understand that he’s taking the proverbial.

Sit them both down and tell them at the same time that once a month is more than enough and if they don’t like it, they are both free to explore alternative options. If he presses for the real reason, tell him that him inviting someone to stay in your house, without your permission, whilst you pick up the tab, is the real reason.

It should be more than £100 per month. I don't know what money the 20 yr old son has coming in but if you work out gas, electricity water, food - it adds up to way, way more than that and then there is his girlfriend - his guest not yours. If he wants her over and she cannot or will not pay towards anything, then he has to. I can appreciate that things are a lot different these days and would not wish some of the strict social and financial constraints I (and may others I imagine) endured as a child and then as a young adult, I just think you need some balance. It is better to give the children/young adults some incentive to either get a better paid job, or if at College to get a part time job. It teaches them about budgeting and let's face it in the real world, unless parents are wealthy enough to be able to subsidise children and partners all through their life, nobody else but themselves is going to pay their daily/monthly living expenses. I would not want any child to be brought up as strictly as me and my siblings were, and believe me we were not allowed to have people in the house, let alone stay over. As soon as I was able I had a paper job at 13 and bought my own stationery etc for school, a Saturday job at 14 - bought own clothes, from 9 onwards I was babysitting for neighbours - to buy sweets or presents for family at birthdays and Christmas. At 16 I started full time work in an office for the princely sum of £4.7/6pw and I had to give dad £2pw lodge. I left home soon after and got a flat with friend and after rent I was left with about £2pw for clothes, make up going out etc. I moved to London at 17 until 20. I returned home got a job straight away and eventually bought my first/own house at age 21, so it did instill a sense of purpose and taught me budgeting and independence. When I got married, my husband just gave me his wages and after that broke down years later (not over money) my next partner always made sure that most of his money went into the house, in fact I had to force him to get his own bank account as he was happy to give me it all. If I had children, I too would want only the best for them amd would not be that strict but I truly blieve that not taking a reasonable contribution towards living costs is not in anyone's best interest. I just believe if you spoil your children by paying for everything - it is not going to be so easy to sustain a house or family of their own. Sermon over.

If you can afford to be generous to others, then that's fine. (This is in response to those who seem to think that the OP is being 'mean'.)

The OP can't afford it and shouldn't be expected to subsidise another adult.

@medlow *You've got younger kids I assume, and don't have a bf/gf in your house basically 3 days a week? Get back to us then."

No, I have adult children and have had their boyfriends/girlfriends around staying over for indeterminate lengths, had a young adult with nowhere else to go staying with us for months on end, and his girlfriend.

During all of these occasions I have invited these guests into my house, I have urged them to treat the place as home. And they have.

I have also brought my children up to respect me, our home and family, so I accept that I assume they will behave responsibly and expect their own guests to do the same.

I’m not the poster you replied to, but said similar to them.. my dc are all adults, ds’s last gf was frequently here 2-3 nights a week and I was absolutely fine with it. I still slept in / wore pjs / did whatever. Other ds moved out at 18 for uni, his gf came with him for part of the holidays, she was also more than welcome. Dd stayed with her gps while studying, her bf (now dh) ended up staying there as well.

I think the crux of it is that you just don’t like her so see everything she does as a nuisance. It’s fine to act like that towards her if they end up breaking up but, if they don’t and she becomes your DIL, she may hate you and stop you seeing the grandkids.

To the son: You want to see your GF all weekend? Get a hotel, or move out. And btw your 'rent' goes up to £400 per month from April. Parents do their kids no favours by not teaching them the real costs of things. Rent is £1000 minimum p/m in the south, probably more. And to those saying hide your coffee machine etc no, no no...just no.