Son's girlfriend and argument.

It was gf's choice to eat other stuff.

No, you told her she had to buy food.

I believe that if you had another person in your home Friday to Mon every weekend, you would feel differently.

Well, at different times, I've had ds's girlfriend living with us full time (for about 2 years) and then dd's boyfriend living with us (for about a year) .

I do feel very differently from you.
I feel this is (was) my dcs home too, and I was glad they felt comfortable here. I welcomed their partners, and as such they became part of the family and we worked out any difference between us.

As so many of us have said already, the issue of your dc not contributing enough to the household is the one you should be resolving.

His girlfriend sounds like she is doing everything she can to fit in, and you are just being rude and incredibly unwelcoming. This is a you problem, not a girlfriend issue.
Absolutely, you can make whatever rules you want to for your own home. You can also then wallow in your loneliness later in life when no-one wants to spend time with you.

All of this.

I agree with this. I wonder how many of those voting YANBU read the OPs follow up posts. They give a very different picture to the OP.

@Garliccheeseandabagel

Excellent analysis! I noticed many of these points while reading through, too.

And we read now from @DancesLikeAFairy that on top of having a visitor every weekend, there are more visitors during the week.

There is never a quiet time.

@DancesLikeAFairy
What I learned here from MN is that especially people with disabilities, but in general every woman, should look to preserve their earning capacity, their health and their future. Seems obvious, but when you're in the middle of things and feel obligated (to something/someone), it can be hard to realize when that is sliding.

In case of disability, the rest and downtime at the weekend are likely very important. Try to protect this for yourself and reconsider also, whether you would want so many visitors during the week, too.

btw, "not liking someone" is a perfectly valid reason to not have them in the home. No-one is obligated to like their children's friends. What you make out of the situation - for example permitting them anyways for the sake of the child/adult child's friendships - is an individual decision. Of course people should be polite and civil (and maybe keep some thoughts to themselves), but that goes both ways, too. The OP is not obligated to pretzel herself; they can meet elsewhere, too.

I see your point but it sounds like the girlfriend and the son to an extent are taking liberties, the son appears to be an adult in age but trying to live like a child having freedom without responsibilty. Allowing the girl some access to facilities is one thing but helping herself as though there is an infinite supply without any regard for the cost is another. At 20 and earning a living the son should be living like a tenant and paying a fair contribution towards the living costs of the household, of which £100/month isn't, and the son should realise that as a tenant paying rent he does not have absolute rights to anything other than living there, and should be asking permission to have his GF over on the weekends. If he doesn't like that, he should start looking on rightmove for affordable housing. They are both adults and should be expected to have the responsibilities of adults, not children.

To me, it seems OP has muddied the waters by charging “rent”. Once DS starts paying to live at home, he can start seeing himself as a tenant and feel he has to right to invite guests. My advice is for OP to decided if she wants DS to be her child living at home, who must follow house rules or does she want him to be her roommate/tenant who gets to decide who he invites to share the space he pays for.

I would increase his rent to cover the extra expenses and inconvenience of his guests. I would set boundaries with him that he is responsible for cleaning any messes his guests leave in common areas, he needs to provide food for his guests and his guests are only there if he is. If he needs to go to work, they need to also leave. The rental agreement and boundaries are with him and it is his responsibility to take care of his guests.

46 🤣🤣🤣

I can’t imagine not making any friend or girlfriend not welcome, especially to something like a coffee are you like this with everyone? Your son must feel so awkward I would try and make her welcome and have a relationship with her x

'Mezmerised with sex'
'doesn't have much else going for her'
'lowclass mooch'
'shag-du-jour'

Christ! Pot, kettle!

So you’ve called this young woman low-class mooch (which Google tells me has a different, unpleasant meaning, in US slang), interloper, twat, shag-du-jour and probably other choice names (I didn’t scroll back more than this page). Then wonder why women have such low self-esteem to put up with shitty behaviour when they’re attacked from all sides. I hope you don’t have sons.

Actions might have consequences, but it doesn't alter the fact that the OP only has a finite amount of money. She seems to be at the end of her tether.

The op is not being nice though.

There's no harm in having houserules,but her annoyance should be at her son.
He's the o e probably telling the gf that it's OK to come over.

I know she's had a word but I couldn't imagine treating my sons gf like that.

And I vet in a few years when the sons moved out.
She'll wonder why she's not being welcoming in their new house.
Actions have consequences, which the op will learn.

The end result is the same. Rehabbing her or tolerating her is not the OP's problem. The son can either live cheaply under his mother's roof and see his friends elsewhere or find his own place.

I will never understand these parents who allow themselves to be walked all over by their precious boy-child. That is how we get the shit, inconsiderate, self-centered men that Mumsnetters complain about in the Relationships section each and every day.

She isn't her guest though! OP doesn't want her there. I don't blame her. OP, is your son working full time? He should be able to afford a room in a house share.

That's pretty harsh. This girl is more likely to be socially unaware than a "lowlife loser".

If I were in the OP's position I would be feeling very hostile indeed toward this unwelcome interloper. And very contemptuous of her.

If the son wants free reign to invite guests, he needs to get his own place. He is a dependent in his mother's home, not an equal homeowner or contributor.

“low class mooch”
” shag-du-jour”

Just wow.

They’ve been together for over a year (OP’s first sentence). Not that it should matter how you talk about this young woman who may not have had a good upbringing but doesn’t deserve the hostility either.

It seems, however, that being nice is costing the OP more money than she can afford.

I don’t think the OP should sit them both down. The GF does not live there and talking to both of them like that, without telling the DS first, makes it seem like a “house” meeting.

The GF should not feel like she has a stake, or vote, in the way things are done.

And the girlfriend’s issues aren’t the OP’s problem.

Girlfriend is a rude, lowclass mooch.

I truly cannot imagine allowing a person like that across my doorstep. Son can see her elsewhere. His mother is providing a home for him, not him and his shag-du-jour.

Imagine your son being treated like that in someone's house.
That's an awful way to treat someone, cooking food and leaving her out.

And @DancesLikeAFairy you've the cheek to talk about the way she was brought up,when you are rude and mean.

You having no carpets is not her fault.
You having to move and going g through a divorce is not her fault.
So maybe stop blaming your troubles on her and just he nice,it doesn't cost anything.

Glad you can afford it

And yes it's your son's home, but it's not his house and he isn't paying for it

I agree your son is not paying you enough board money, however you said he only started properly working 5 weeks ago? So I'm guessing his income was more limited until now. So up the board money.

Every weekend fri-mon does sound too much, so look at limiting it.

That being said I do think you sound a little judgemental and upright. I mean making dinner for yourselves and not offering anything for her? Grumbling about her using the oven and making toast when you've said to make her own food doesn't seem very fair. Unless there's a lot more to this I don't think it's nice to say she's not good enough for your son. You said son has friends over often too, is that continuing?

My sympathies OP! Had this with DD BF(luckily now an ex)Never washed and always smelt .I used to say "waters ready ,if you want a shower)He would go in meekly . Also would help himself to food .I even caught him wearing DS(at Uni) slippers once! Say to your Son they will have to find somewhere else to go at WE. you need your space .It becomes the norm far too soon if you are too soft.I know what you mean about not being brought up properly.We are a clean family .Also COL is sky high at present ,6 cups of coffee

Like some others I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking/allowing partners to stay over at any age. My/parents house- our rules.