To ask how to teach boys how to respect women?

The absolute most important thing is letting them see their father, or other important men in their lives treating women-including YOU respectfully and as an equal all the time, even when/if you fall out.

13 is plenty old enough to have conversations about sexual consent/ rape.

I know what you mean @Another76543and I disliked those things even as a girl in an all girls' school.

Sadly, however, we are far from equality.

Boys are much more likely to take Physics and Economics and girls to take English and Psychology, to take a few examples.

The fewer girls there are in the former and boys in the latter, the more stereotype threat for those there are or might be.

The difference between girls' schools and mixed schools when it comes to subject choice post 16 is stark.

But where are the campaigns to get more boys into the "girly" subjects?

I'm wary of any argument that blames SAHMs.

My sincerest hope is that the government comes up with schemes that give young people more opportunities, and also brings back youth work - that has been utterly decimated and it's not really any surprise that social media platforms are filling that void.

I really think a smart phone ban under sixteen would help a lot, but the government is adamant about it's digital strategy, UK being at forefront of AI.

I also think the answer lies in more family friendly work policies.

At this point though I think communities need to mobilise and campaign.

I had a fallout with DH last week because he had an argument with his 19 year old apprentice who was being disrespectful in a clients home (like walking in with muddy boots, leaving fag ends on the drive etc) and this lad got lippy rather than apologetic and it got so heated they apparently were squaring up to each other. I was horrified and gave DH a hard time about it who shrugged and said “guys deal with things differently”. Anyway DH got a grovelling apology from him later that evening and we ran into his mum the following weekend who told DH how much her son loved working for him and how he his attitude towards her and the house had changed since he’d been working.

I know it’s anecdotal but there was a thread about having positive male influences in young men’s lives and I thought of this after speaking to this lads mum.

I agree with previous posters that it’s about modelling behaviour - especially when they are still young.
Doesn’t necessarily need to be the child’s father - any positive male presence in their life has the opportunity to model respect and decency towards the women in the child’s life.

Personally I also think it’s important that our kids understand that we are also people outside of simply being “mum”. It’s so easy for kids to just view us as service humans who are nothing more than their mother.
We had an interesting moment a few weeks back - DS (8yo) was mouthing off at me over some basic thing I’d asked him to do, and before I could shut it down, DH stepped between me and DS and said “You do not speak to my wife like that”……not “don’t speak to your mum like that”. I could see the cogs turning in his little head, coming to the conclusion of “shit….mum isn’t simply just my mum” 🫠

Following. Son is a misogynist and has been viewing sexist content. I'm scared of that. I wonder how many of his peers feel the same

At mine too. The rugby lads are constantly jumping on each other, wrestling, arms round necks and shoulders in wrestling type moves but yes, really I think it's a way of getting that physical contact. My hulking 15 yo wants a hug every morning when I wake him up and when we sit on the sofa. It's lovely really.

Can we all please agree to call out arsy male drivers too? I KNOW they wouldn't flash and honk at a man because they think I should let them past, or overtake in a huff, or pull out in front of me from a junction, get stroppy at waiting in a car park etc etc. They act completely differently towards women and I think partners need to express this when they see it, particularly if kids are in the car.

I’m afraid I disagree with this. The attitudes of teen boys now are generally far worse than they were, say, 50 years ago, where more mothers were SAHM. The problem is that, over the years, society views running a house as less valuable than earning money. Women have been told that they should do “better” than be a SAHM. It’s no wonder then that boys and men view running a house as a lesser contribution. The answer is to treat all contributions to a family as equal.

There are plenty of decent, respectful children I know who have had a stay at home parent (mums and dads). There are plenty of children with dreadful attitudes whose parents both work full time.

The problems with male attitudes is certainly not because of SAHM. If it was, those attitudes would have improved as more women entered the workplace, not got worse.

Women aren't a separate species - you teach young people to respect everyone.

If they're repeating some behaviour they've learned online or in school, you remind them that everyone is deserving of respect and consideration including them. "You wouldn't like to be judged like that, would you? So you don't do it to other people."

I saw a clip from an American news reel you know when they kind of like look back on something that happened and re-enact it.
Where this cop basically pulled somebody back over from the bridge that he was gonna jump off and kill himself and he hugged the guy and he hugged him and hugged him and hugged him
And the man said that it was the first time he’d been touched in a year by anyone.
I do wonder whether they all just want a damn good snuggle. They don’t know how to ask for that so they ask for sex.

I absolutely agree. Parents (females and male) should model good behaviour and kindness; treating everyone the same, regardless of sex, colour, religion etc. They should be raised to treat everyone with kindness and respect. Teaching boys to treat girls with respect isn’t the answer; teach them to treat everyone with respect. Perhaps if everyone did that, we wouldn’t have the problems we do.

I think it goes further than that though. We need to teach children (girls and boys) to have respect for themselves, to stand up for themselves when others don’t treat them properly. No child or adult should accept being treated badly by anyone, be they male or female. Poor behaviour and attitude should be called out immediately.

I know this will be controversial, but I disagree with initiatives promoting females at the expense of males, both for children and adults. It doesn’t help with raising boys to believe that both sexes are equal. Whilst I can understand that some females need encouragement to take part in some things, I’m not sure that schools, for example, should have “girls in STEM” , “girls in IT” days etc. I say this as a parent of both sexes. My daughters can’t understand why boys aren’t included in some of these days. They want to be treated as an equal. My sons can’t understand why boys are excluded. Obviously I’ve explained why these initiatives exist. Surely where equality is the aim (and rightly so), we should encourage this by treating everyone equally. We shouldn’t be treating sexes differently. Unfortunately, I think that these initiatives sometimes alienate boys which doesn’t help the attitudes of some teens where their parents haven’t explained the background. I totally understand the idea behind these events, but surely the best way of getting girls to see themselves as equals is to treat them as equals, not by giving them special treatment?

As for the comments about housework and finances etc, I don’t think an obsession with splitting everything 50:50 helps. Children should be brought up in a household where everyone works together as a team regardless of sex. It’s fine, for example, if one parent works and earns more but the other does more housework (if both are happy with that arrangement). Children should be raised to believe that both contributions are equally as valuable to a household. The problems start when children believe that cooking, for example, is a less valuable contribution than earning money for bills.

That's really interesting @Staceysmum2025. The boys at my secondary are constantly trying to touch each other. Mostly disguised as shoving.

Which is why we currently have two problems parents that had no relationship initially the emotional bank account was never filled up when they were little. I see that a lot with young boys. Nobody cuddling them nobody ruffling their hair.
There’s a statistics somewhere about the number of touches in a day that an average 1314-year-old boy will receive and it’s something like three
Versus a two-year-old little girl who is almost constantly physically touched in someway which probably brings its own issues. But it’s stark the contrast.

I asked a mixed class of 16 year olds if their mums worked. Most raised their hands. I asked if their grandmas had worked. Fewer hands. I was making a point about participation in the workforce but hopefully it made them think.

I should have said that they are coming round as they get older, and we once again have the relationship formed when they were younger.

I get fed up of people assuming that this is all down to parenting, when it’s well know that teenagers of all walks of life are susceptible to influence no matter how they were brought up in those formative years. It’s a bit like smug parents of babies who sleep through the night from an early age and take all the credit! I’ve seen plenty of really good parents “lose” their children in teenage years. It’s not always something you can avoid.

@Brunocatmon your earlier post resonated with me. DS2 exhibits some of his dads traits and I find it incredibly triggering. Because I won't allow him to treat me the same way, it causes conflict.
I have DDs as well, they have a good understanding of what they can and can't accept. I hope it's partly because I don't back down as I did with their dad to keep the peace.

I'd like to think if we carry on standing up for ourselves, taking up space and making noise change will come. The older I get, the more despondent I get because women before us have not succeeded and we're here, no better off.

We no longer have the same influence over our children, and no control over what influences them. It's terrifying.

Because unfortunately most families do what makes most economic sense.

DH had worked P/T due to studies many years ago and the reality was that he ended up doing 95% of his job on 80% pay. His salary was over double mine.

He used his niche skill set and ended up in a well paid, STEM career. At that time he was earning over double what I could earn by teaching on similar hours. The cost of him earning well is travel and some unpredictability. Something had to give because the pair of us working 100+ hours a week without support was not sustainable for our family. So it was my job.

In the absence of affordable, autism-friendly childcare, stepping back from my career was the most pragmatic move.

The shift from this needs to be better access to shared parental leave (when I hear families doing this I know which company the dad works for) and shifts in employment structure and salaries.

Losing £££,£££ over the years by putting my career first over his would only have penalised us and not changed the world.

However when I was working, if he was in the office, he was first contact for ill children as he was more flexible for that. Not much help if he was hundreds of miles away or in another country though.

If I go back to working 50+ hours a week as I was, that's a hell of a lot more unmonitored time for my teenage son on the internet...
I could get a less demanding job... for "pin money"... but that's not helping the feminist/ healthy mascilinity cause much either.

Basically I cocked up my life choices by not being born to parents of optimal demographic for free childcare and not having the interest and talent to get paid well in the STEM sector 🤷‍♀️

You role model the behaviour. This goes both ways your partner and you- he treats you with respect and kindness and if he doesn't you need to make sure you keep your boundaries. That doesn't mean fighting in front of your children, which is damaging but showing them the expectation of how you deserve to be treated. This is about matter concerning mental load, consent etc. and other gender gaps, not being 'nice' to girls and giving flowers and 'treating like a princess' because that is not equality. This also goes for other male-female relationships in their life, but is most important in mother-father dynamic. If you witness inequality outside the house call it out, especially if they notice it... "Hmm that didn't look like a kind way to treat someone, I wonder why they did that" is a good way to open up a dialogue. Even simple common things are easy to brush of in the moment but as a PP said little things like 'girls are bossy' are easy to address. I would engage in femanism (podcasts, forums, books, anything really) as the more you own eyes open to inequalities the more you will naturally incline to address it.

Toxic masculinity culture lends itself to miysogny and is almost like the counterpart of above. This a another huge thing you can do now. Like above, engage in the discourse and make sure your boys feel safe to 'be a boy' however that looks feels right for them. This culture is growing in prevalence in our society, it is so insidious and hurts everyone.

Be aware that miysogny is so prevalent it can feel like swimming upstream, but it is so so important to do.

Thank you for saying this.

If I just had two boys, I might be breezily saying what everyone is saying on this thread thinking it was that straightforward.

In spite of my sons all getting the same and having some amazing male role models, my youngest cares more about what his friends are doing and saying. And there are many other bad role models out there.

I am very worried.

Well that’s my point.

caring roles aren’t valued. The man has the big job to provide for his family while the little woman is at home washing a few clothes.

my observation is many men are “respectful and value her contribution”, right up until divorce when it’s “my money”, I paid for you to stay at home, I earned so you didn’t need to work etc.

boys see their dads going out to work and the conversations around careers and “what does your dad do”, with social standing being around the better job and earning power. It doesn’t matter whether dad values domestic work, society doesn’t and no boy ever aspires to be a sahd-they all assume they will earn more than a female partner anyway. And that also fits into toxic masculinity where a lot of men see a higher earning woman reflecting badly on their male ability to provide.

my dd went for a careers lecture recently. She came home fuming because all the advisor talked about was “what does your dad do”. Not once did she ask about what the mums did or talk about female earning ability.

i mean, just look at the thread on “would you let your daughter learn a trade” thread. Barely a couple of pages in and someone is saying no, because it doesn’t have the flexibility to fit in with future husband and kids. How many boys consider whether their future careers will fit around a family?

every time I see a post here about yet another woman giving up work I wonder why there’s never a conversation around the man giving up, or going part time, or even both going pt to share the burden. No, kids and home are still definitely a woman’s world and is less value, and boys know this.

My daughters see equality. Example is their Dad attends the plays, never missed a school event. He cooks, cleans and inputs into the family time. We equally have ‘hobbie time’ he goes to the gym, rides his bike and is this weekend meeting his friends but not at the impact of what our children needs are. I get the same back, I can go away with my friends without a worry as he is capable of being home without me. I don’t use the word babysitting he is as equal & capable as I am as a parent.

As a family we don’t control each other, we trust one another and are very open in conversation.

It needs to be both ways it’s not just about teaching our sons it’s about teaching our daughters too - expect more, be respected and be confident in your self.

You’ve said your son’s father is fairly useless. Don’t let your son hear this (he may see it). He may see your words as being degrading on his father and males in general. Hard I know!

My boys were raised well, we always had a close relationship.
Secondary school was sadly a game changer. Don’t underestimate how much your sons are influenced by their friends, and at secondary you have very little say over who they’re friends with. School is also a place where they can learn to not respect boundaries, partly because porn and sexual assault is so normal and dismissed, but also because the powers teachers had to manage disrespect and low level bad behaviour have been stripped away, and with a lack of special schools their time is often spent managing children who should not be in a classroom with 30 other children and no TA.

This whole situation is part of a perfect storm, it’s all connected.

Boys turn to the likes of Andrew Tate in the absence of influential, decent men.
People turn to the right in the absence of a left that doesn’t insult and sneer at societal issues.
It’s all part of the same lack of decent men who will balance their lives and needs with the needs of women.

We have no spare money, food & bills, petrol, thats it but its a choice I made.

We all make choices.