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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family not making an effort

92 replies

MomofAA · 21/03/2025 14:29

My partners family made the effort to want to see our baby when we first brought him home. Wanting pictures and cuddles.
Now he’s 10 weeks old, no one has messaged to ask how he is or if they can see him/us.
They are posting on social media with other family members, days out etc.
Feel as if the novelty of a newborn in the family has wore off.

AIBU for wanting to stop being available for them when they do finally get in touch?

OP posts:
twiddlingthumbs69 · 21/03/2025 15:18

Having been in a similar situation with a new baby in the family (not my baby) I would invite them. We did exactly the same when new baby arrived. However, we felt we were in the way. Almost as if the thought was “what are you doing here”. We always offered to make a cup of tea etc but that was declined, so we never got one either.
it was all rather awkward so I’m afraid we backed off. Now she’s 11 months old and we’ve still never been invited.

Original poster
MomofAA · 21/03/2025 15:16

Ooral · 21/03/2025 15:13

Typical, only woman to ever have a child....

Yes because I would post on ‘mums net’ full of moms to expect to be the only woman with a child! Make it make sense

OP posts:
ChanceMet · 21/03/2025 15:15

MomofAA · 21/03/2025 15:12

Wow, some of you like to bully!

No one knows who I am, no one knows the family I am referring to, no dynamic has been shared yet I’m being called childish, silly and thin skinned. For what?
Responding to people who think they know it all. I’m getting responses from people who aren’t being generic they seem to just like to find a problem in anything. I’m trying to see if I’m being reasonable or not. Giving a response without name calling or insults would’ve been the mature approach but guess I should’ve added a disclaimer that I’m an immature post-natal hormones riddles mother who has asked for people to attack me as a person instead.

Tell me you have perfect relationships with every family member you have? Never had a disagreement?

Why do you expect me to be polite when I’m getting responses that are uncalled for?

Nobody's 'bullying' you. You've described yourself a previously difficult relationship with these ILs, so it's far from clear why you want them to come and see you and why you imagine that having a baby would have solved the relationship's former problems. Or indeed why you see texting or phoning as involving so much 'effort'.

Original poster
MomofAA · 21/03/2025 15:15

Mrsttcno1 · 21/03/2025 15:11

To answer the question you actually asked OP, I think it would be very petty to stop them seeing you when they ask to just because they haven’t been round every week, because you’ve never had that kind of close relationship with them to expect that.

I always think to myself when making decisions like these, “can I justify this to my child one day”, because if you deny contact then one day you’re going to be asked why they never see granny/grandad. If I was you I wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that you stopped contact because they didn’t make as much effort as you wanted them to after you had explicitly told them not to expect to hold the baby, and after not being particularly close pre-baby.

If they were a risk of harm or abuse, absolutely, but you’d be being very petty.

Thank you for this. a generic response I was looking for.

to give additional context I want the biggest happiest family for my baby and I would never cut contact out of pettiness, all we ever want to do is protect our kids and yes there are family members that will be kept at a distance for very reasonable reasons. But there are also family members that can’t see these safeguarding issues and it is difficult to navigate communication.

OP posts:
Ooral · 21/03/2025 15:13

Typical, only woman to ever have a child....

Original poster
MomofAA · 21/03/2025 15:12

Wow, some of you like to bully!

No one knows who I am, no one knows the family I am referring to, no dynamic has been shared yet I’m being called childish, silly and thin skinned. For what?
Responding to people who think they know it all. I’m getting responses from people who aren’t being generic they seem to just like to find a problem in anything. I’m trying to see if I’m being reasonable or not. Giving a response without name calling or insults would’ve been the mature approach but guess I should’ve added a disclaimer that I’m an immature post-natal hormones riddles mother who has asked for people to attack me as a person instead.

Tell me you have perfect relationships with every family member you have? Never had a disagreement?

Why do you expect me to be polite when I’m getting responses that are uncalled for?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 21/03/2025 15:11

To answer the question you actually asked OP, I think it would be very petty to stop them seeing you when they ask to just because they haven’t been round every week, because you’ve never had that kind of close relationship with them to expect that.

I always think to myself when making decisions like these, “can I justify this to my child one day”, because if you deny contact then one day you’re going to be asked why they never see granny/grandad. If I was you I wouldn’t want to have to tell my child that you stopped contact because they didn’t make as much effort as you wanted them to after you had explicitly told them not to expect to hold the baby, and after not being particularly close pre-baby.

If they were a risk of harm or abuse, absolutely, but you’d be being very petty.

Morningveg · 21/03/2025 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
MomofAA · 21/03/2025 15:05

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/03/2025 15:01

Wel, you aren't exactly being polite in your responses, but let's be kind and put it down to post-natal hormones

Show quote history

I’m defending myself again those that want to attack me as a person instead of being generic with their responses. I didn’t ask for people to comment on my character.

OP posts:
TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/03/2025 15:04

MomofAA · 21/03/2025 14:42

Your comments are coming across as if you know me?
it was a generic message, I didn’t see the part where I asked for you to but in and be personal on the matter

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It's butt in...

Morningveg · 21/03/2025 15:04

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Morningveg · 21/03/2025 15:03

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TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/03/2025 15:03

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Kettle, black, pot, calling, the.
Rearrange these words into a well-known phrase...

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2025 15:03

MomofAA · 21/03/2025 14:49

I haven’t said I don’t like them.

Show quote history

You don't exactly describe them in flattering terms.
Not judging you, there are plenty of people in my family I don't like

Original poster
MomofAA · 21/03/2025 15:03

Berlinlover · 21/03/2025 14:57

You sound very immature OP.

by asking if I should stop being so available to people who don’t make an effort when I’ve tried with them for months?

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 21/03/2025 15:02

If you don't usually see then that often then maybe they don't think they need to be seeing you more simply because you have a baby.
Maybe they don't want to intrude on your time with the baby.
I would send a general message to them saying that you are happy for visitors or would enjoy taking baby out for walks in the pram if they want to join you some time.

oboeannie · 21/03/2025 15:01

KnittyNell · 21/03/2025 14:50

It sounds to me like they don’t feel welcome.

Yep. The message they have probably had from OP is "come and fawn over me and baby" but "don't expect to hold, touch or have a cuddle". Frankly I can understand why they have kept their distance. It's supposed to be a new member of their family, so of course they would have some level of expectation around holding said grandchild/nephew/whatever.

But I also agree with the babies are boring to most people.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/03/2025 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wel, you aren't exactly being polite in your responses, but let's be kind and put it down to post-natal hormones

PuddleintheOcean · 21/03/2025 14:59

I get how you're feeling OP. Members of my family all came to see DS when he was born. He is now 9 months old and some have seen him less than a handful of times in those 9 months. We all live within a short drive of each other.

I would sit and dwell and get so upset over the fact that nobody was interested in seeing us, and it hurt seeing pictures of family members meeting up for days out etc, but one day I realised that I was making no effort myself and expecting it all to come from their side. I hadn't messaged to ask how they were, how their kids were, to ask if they wanted to visit or if we could visit them. So what right did I have to get cross with them? From then I have changed my attitude and things are better.

So yes, while I understand your feelings, maybe it's time to start accepting that effort works both ways and to think about how much effort you are putting in yourself

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/03/2025 14:58

MomofAA · 21/03/2025 14:36

Wow some of you are just rude!!

Explain, who has been rude?

Original poster
MomofAA · 21/03/2025 14:58

All I’ve said is I they are the type of people that expect the effort be made to them.
Messages and calls have gone unanswered the past year. When it came to a month before baby was born, the family popped up, messaging to check in asking if we need anything, offering to cook and come round etc. when he was born we had the usually flood of messages from everyone (to which I feel I have to express to some of you, was hugely appreciated) the family again offered the same as mentioned before.
Come to a month later, messages had stopped we were being left on read, phone calls not returned. we have tried but radio silence. I have not mentioned I don’t like them, this family is very welcome and they know that. (I didn’t think I needed to give the ins and outs of it all) why couldn’t some of you just give a basic answer why be critical and attack me as a person?

OP posts:
Berlinlover · 21/03/2025 14:57

You sound very immature OP.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/03/2025 14:57

Craziness of MN. We have another thread in which grandmother outraged that she's not allowed to have her 6 week old child for the weekend. Here we have someone tantruming because no-one has offered to see the child
Let's face it, as an outsider, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/03/2025 14:54

My parents adored their grandchildren (and did a lot of regular - 2 or 3 days every week - childcare for them) and seeing them brought them a lot of happiness.

However, my parents never, ever visited without being invited first (largely because they were terrified of rejection) and much preferred it when my brother and/or wife brought the children to visit them.

ItGhoul · 21/03/2025 14:54

It's only been 10 weeks ffs. They don't have to see your baby every five minutes.

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