Family not making an effort

@MomofAA why did you ask if you were being unreasonable if you don’t think there’s a chance you might be?

Well they sound very problematic so surely you should be glad you don’t have to deal with them?

Unless you’re missing the drama?

Just potter about making the most of this lovely time with your baby and stop giving them headspace.

They've probably read all those other mumsnet threads in which New Mum complains that her family and in laws are too in her face when all she wants is quit time with her baby.

There you go again, OP. You can't change other people's behaviour, or complain that they don't act entirely differently to the way they do. The only behaviour you can change is your own. Either you accept some responsibility for the way the relationship with your ILs is and change the way you relate to them, or you accept that it is what it is and find support from another source.

As soon as you say something like “we don’t want baby passed around like a parcel”, people will take a step back. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t. Dd1 was so clingy but dtds were passed to anyone with hands free as I had 2 newborns and a toddler. Dtds were much more chilled and content. Passing the baby round to people who love him/her is a good thing but while I understand some mums find it hard, it does put a wall up denying family newborn cuddles and making an announcement. Far easier to put baby in a sling and just say she’s a bit restless today so I’m just going to let her stay in the wrap for now is a far more gentle approach.

The only 'conclusion' I've come to (that it's a relationship which has previously been problematic, with lots of unmet expectations and problems in communication, and that you would like it to be different) is based entirely on what you have said here. For example --

they’re type of people that say ‘well you never make the effort’. We put in the effort but stopped as it wasn’t being reciprocated.

They’re the kind of people that preach effort is reciprocated but our messages and calls would go unanswered. Didn’t hear from them during the pregnancy. We had them arguing with us as we wanted to attend a family gathering with them and we made it clear we wouldn’t want him passed round like a parcel and we were told we were being controlling

It’s hard as a new mom and feeling lonely that the people who say they’re just a message away not respond is a bit of a slap in the face

Messages and calls have gone unanswered the past year. When it came to a month before baby was born, the family popped up, messaging to check in asking if we need anything, offering to cook and come round etc. when he was born we had the usually flood of messages from everyone (to which I feel I have to express to some of you, was hugely appreciated) the family again offered the same as mentioned before.

Come to a month later, messages had stopped we were being left on read, phone calls not returned. we have tried but radio silence.

by asking if I should stop being so available to people who don’t make an effort when I’ve tried with them for months

I want the biggest happiest family for my baby and I would never cut contact out of pettiness, all we ever want to do is protect our kids and yes there are family members that will be kept at a distance for very reasonable reasons. But there are also family members that can’t see these safeguarding issues and it is difficult to navigate communication.

Basically, this has never been an unproblematic relationship. Nothing has changed. You need to accept that it is what it is and find support elsewhere.

How far away do they Iive OP? Are they close enough that your DH could take the baby to their house for a visit? Maybe they're clumsily trying not to butt in?

On the other hand, my inlaws have shown very, very little interest over the years (DCs teens now). I've facilitated where I could, sent photos occasionally, answered texts on the odd occasion they came in. We visit them occasionally too but they never come here. We stopped inviting them eventually because their lack of interest became embarrassing. But a few times a year we ask if we can visit them and they seem happy to see us.

I feel that I've done as much as I can to avoid any guilt, and my DCs have their own opinions of the inlaws 🤨. They will reap what they sow.

It perhaps would be better to have this in chats not aibu.
Sadly, people responding to your OP have somehoe offended you, yet they were giving opiion based on your posts.
Your subsequent posts haven't all been pleasant, indeed, one has been removed, so this is a 2-way issue

But perhaps your posts indicate character and may explain your aibu dilemma

From your posts I can read you.

Because it looks as if it's far from clear inside your head. Basically, you'd like your ILs to be entirely different people, and to have an entirely different, easier relationship with them. But you've got who you've got.

You are controlling.

Perhaps if you could be less judging more kinder relaxed and friendly they would like your company.

I think part of being a parent, or maybe just about being an adult in general, is about realising and accepting that what you want for your family might just not be possible, and that by expecting other people to conform to the perfect picture life that you want is only going to lead to disappointment.

I’ve been in this boat with PIL, I’d LOVE for my daughter to have grandparents on both sides who actively want to spend time with her & love her, I’d love for my husband & I to both have parents who we can spend time with, go on trips with, have days out or invite round for dinner etc, I’d love that. The reality is though my PIL are not those people, they never have been, they are never going to be, so I could spend the rest of my life disappointed about the fact that they don’t meet my “dream” standards, or I can accept them for what they are and just be grateful that my own parents are amazing, my siblings are amazing and my baby is surrounded by people who love & want to be around her x

Sadly we rarely get the family we hope for, we have to make do with what we get . These people are not who you wnat them to be and the sooner you accept that and make a happy life for your new little family the better.