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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go to uncle's fancy dinner anymore

132 replies

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 05:33

It was recently my DD's 2nd birthday. The plan was that DD's favourite people come for dinner and playtime with DD (grandparents plus mine and DH's siblings - 11 people in total). Unexpectedly my uncle texted (at about 4.30pm) asking if he could come over - he wasn't aware I was having a family dinner but I was more than happy to have him over as he lives a 100 miles away and so it isn't often he is down. He then said he had some colleagues with him and would there be enough food or should he tell them to eat elsewhere. I was astounded - explained it was literally DD's birthday, I had cooked a nice meal for the family and it would be best if his colleagues ate elsewhere. He then replied they were 10 minutes away (about 5.45pm) and that his colleagues were small eaters. I replied I wouldn't have enough for his 3 colleagues but if he just came on his own that would be fine. I was furious.

I told DH I wasn't coming out of the kitchen and that he was to only serve them juice and biscuits and my uncle could sort out their food. My house is organised so that I have a through lounge where the living room and dining area is one massive room. I felt like it would be so awkward if the colleagues were sat in the living area and my family were sat in the dining area having dinner. Anyway they arrived around 6pm, uncle came into the kitchen to see me and apologise and say he didn't know how to get rid of them. DH panic ordered two pizzas. I had made a roast dinner for my family. Soon after mine and DH's families arrived. My roast dinner was ready, DH took all the food to the dining area. I then went into the room to greet my family and ILs but saw that uncle and his colleagues were already sat at the dining table. I wanted to burst out crying. The colleagues were all very appreciative that I was doing so much and how kind I was. I have no idea what my uncle said to them but it was fairly obvious it was a birthday party (balloons and decorations everywhere) and that it wasn't a dinner for them. I left the room and stayed in the kitchen until uncle and colleagues left.

Anyway fast forward the evening, they ate dinner, not enough space for the intended guests to eat at the table, not enough starters for the intended guests, uncle and his colleague stayed until about 8.45pm which meant our cake cutting etc was delayed as I didn't want them present for something that is supposed to be a special family moment.

Over Christmas time last year, my uncle invited us to a charity event (£70 per ticket) in his constituency about 100 miles away (he is in politics) to which we (myself, DH and DD) said we would come. The event is next month. It will cost us about £600 for a one night stay factoring in travel costs, hotel room, ticket cost and costumes (themed black tie event). We haven't paid for our tickets yet but my uncle has booked a hotel room for us at the venue (for which we will also pay for after the stay as is normal with hotel stays). He might be out of pocket with the hotel if we decline the invite.

AIBU to make an excuse and say we won't come?

Today he messaged me to say the food was delicious. But no apology or anything. I haven't replied. He literally gatecrashed DD's 2nd birthday party with 3 strangers, who came uninvited, ate our food and then there wasn't enough for others. And then stayed for ages and wouldn't leave (on a weeknight too!). At one point after dinner my uncle came in to make them tea!! I just wanted to literally tell him to fuck off now because we would like to cut DD's cake and not have Tom, Dick and Harry loitering about.

OP posts:
TourangaLeila · 21/03/2025 08:39

Until I became a manager and regularly had to have challenging conversations I wouldn't have known what to say either.

What a dick move from your uncle!

Perhaps try and practice your assertiveness generally. Your uncle was 100% in the wrong but you could have easily and politely resolved it with "Hi, I'm not sure what my uncle has told you, but this evening is a family event. I won't be able to accommodate feeding you tonight and you need to go now. Lovely to have met you though! I recommend - insert local place - for dinner"

It get easier the more you do it.

Chunkilumptious · 21/03/2025 08:36

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 06:05

They had sat themselves at the table. DH had sat them at the sofas but they had migrated to the table when DH went in with the roast dinner. It all felt beyond awkward.

Edit: there are a million more assertive ways to have dealt with this.. but in my pure fury I just didn't know what to do. I also did not want a scene on DD's birthday and wanted to keep the mood positive. And just did not know how to navigate it on the spot. DH I think generally defers to me when dealing with my side of the family so I think he felt he just had to be polite. I was a bit stunned that despite telling my uncle to to tell his colleagues to eat elsewhere that they were still there and then felt like he was just doing his own thing regardless of what I said.

Edited
Show quote history

Well to be honest it was your decision to manage it this way to avoid discomfort for yourself.

Sorry that's harsh, I get it, I would've been at a loss too but it's quite liberating to remember that. It was your decision and the wrong one for you (although nothing bad happened and you'll probably look back with a laugh and an eye roll). You can do it differently next time. Uncle didn't mind about making things awkward, why should you not politely say 'how lovely of you to call by, it's a shame we didn't know in advance or we'd have made a bigger roast!'.

You, with evidence, can remember from now on that some people have the hide of a rhinoceros and your dear old uncle is one of them. If you don't want to go to his dinner, he can more than withstand a 'no, thanks for the invitation but £600 is too much to spend'.

evtheria · 21/03/2025 08:35

OP I’m just in admiration of the fact you’re even able to type that all out so clearly, I’d still be too furious and there’d have been a lot more expletives. 💕 What complete CHEEK.

MumChp · 21/03/2025 08:34

femfemlicious · 21/03/2025 08:25

You guys don't understand. It's a different culture. Muslims have to be welcoming and feed people who come to their door, even strangers. Especially at Ramadan. I can see why it would have been hard for her to take a hard stance. They uncle knew and took advantage of that.

The problem is that it happened to be her daughters birthday.

The Muslim uncle plays her (and he knows...) and she can't say no as a Muslim? Of course, she can.

Religion doesn't excuse the uncle's behavouir. Don't accept to be f*cked by religion in 2025 in UK.

diddl · 21/03/2025 08:34

Does being welcoming & feeding people mean that they get priority over invited guests?

Your uncle sounds really rude to me.

Halfemptyhalfling · 21/03/2025 08:34

JustHavinABreak · 21/03/2025 07:43

I honestly couldn't get worked up about this but I appreciate that culturally I'm coming from a completely different POV.

I'm Irish and we have a very funny way of dealing with feeding people. In all seriousness, this might go back to the Famine Days (known in the Irish Language as "the Great Hunger") but we pride ourselves on never letting anyone out the door of our homes unless they've been fed and watered!

In a situation like yours, food would be stretched, bread added if needed to bulk it out a bit, squeeze in extra chairs or just find a spot to sit somewhere. I remember many childhood get-togethers where there were people sitting on the steps of the stairs having a great time!

I know it's a bummer when you obviously had something special planned, and from a UK perspective, it was considered rude, but those colleagues have gone away thinking you were really welcoming and hospitable.

As regards the dinner, if you've told your uncle you'll attend, I think you should go because (to me) being ticked off about this is not reason enough to go back on your word. BUT I don't think it's the right place for a two year no matter how well behaved. Assuming it's an evening event, when your DD gets tired, she could just not be able to manage. As someone who brings the kids everywhere or doesn't go, I think it would really change the atmosphere for everyone else.

Agree with this, if your family is from elsewhere sounds like you are rapidly becoming acculturated to a not nice aspect of modern English culture. Especially in festvals it should be good to be welcoming to strangers. If your uncle is an MP he needs go on an assertiveness course to be effective in his position though

FlamingoQueen · 21/03/2025 08:31

I would say that you’ll be at the fancy dinner, but you’re going to bring the whole of DD’s toddler group and their parents who would all like to be put up in the hotel and have free food!
(But tbh, I would not go!)

diddl · 21/03/2025 08:30

So did the people who couldn't fit at the table sit on the sofa & have the pizzas?

Bestfootforward11 · 21/03/2025 08:28

Your uncle sounds self-absorbed, self-important and unpleasant. Of course a grown man can explain things to colleagues but he just didn’t want to or care. I’d really pull back from him. He rides rough shod over everyone’s plans or wishes and doesn’t even care enough to offer huge apologies the next day. He can make his choices and you can make yours.

SatyrTights · 21/03/2025 08:28

femfemlicious · 21/03/2025 08:25

You guys don't understand. It's a different culture. Muslims have to be welcoming and feed people who come to their door, even strangers. Especially at Ramadan. I can see why it would have been hard for her to take a hard stance. They uncle knew and took advantage of that.

The problem is that it happened to be her daughters birthday.

I can assure you that the Wet Lettuce Tax applies to Muslims, too.

femfemlicious · 21/03/2025 08:27

I'm nit Muslim but I'm African we have a similar culture. If my uncle said he is coming by, it would be hard for me to say no don't come. I would have to let him cone with his guests and make it work. It would be very annoying but I would not be able to show that.

femfemlicious · 21/03/2025 08:25

You guys don't understand. It's a different culture. Muslims have to be welcoming and feed people who come to their door, even strangers. Especially at Ramadan. I can see why it would have been hard for her to take a hard stance. They uncle knew and took advantage of that.

The problem is that it happened to be her daughters birthday.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 21/03/2025 08:22

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 06:00

I wish I had the confidence to have said something. I don't like confrontations but I did tell my uncle that I would have been fine if it was just him but I couldn't believe he'd brought the others and could he not explain to them we're having a special occasion. He said that he was "their ride" and so they were stuck to him. I feel like he must have explained something else to them for them to be OK about staying.

Show quote history

Another one who "doesn't like confrontations." You paid the Wet Lettuce Tax, suck it up.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 21/03/2025 08:21

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 06:00

I wish I had the confidence to have said something. I don't like confrontations but I did tell my uncle that I would have been fine if it was just him but I couldn't believe he'd brought the others and could he not explain to them we're having a special occasion. He said that he was "their ride" and so they were stuck to him. I feel like he must have explained something else to them for them to be OK about staying.

Show quote history

I think you need to work on your confidence levels/assertiveness. "Sorry, we can't tonight - when are you next in the area?" "Sorry, we have plans - you can come/we can meet for a walk/cuppa/breakfast/lunch tomorrow."

Practice saying no to things that you don't want to do. It is hard if you are naturally a people pleaser, but will ultimately feel liberating.

I do think that providing pizza sends a mixed message to your guests. If someone ordered pizza, I would assume that they were trying to make the catered food stretch (ie. pick what you like from the roast or the pizza, rather than that it was pizza for guest X and roast for guest Y. I would feel rude to leave before I'd eaten if someone ordered 2 pizzas for me (and guests).

I think if you can't yet confront your uncle, I would ask your parent to have a word with their sibling and tell him that he crossed the line and should have a) popped in for 20-30 minutes of tea/cake or b) not come at all.

Saying he was the ride for the other 3 is only a valid excuse if you are living on a remote island with no taxis/buses/ubers/trains/legs.

Bolscassis · 21/03/2025 08:19

Your uncle knew exactly what he was doing and he was a selfish twat with no consideration to you or your family. I’d decline the event.

MumChp · 21/03/2025 07:59

JustHavinABreak · 21/03/2025 07:43

God I'll probably be slaughtered for that response 😆

We had done the same. Supplied the food with 5 pizzas and guests would share everything.

Or said 'No you can't come tonight, sorry, goodbye'. It's your right to say no. You don't have to explain or excuse.
It's not that hard, tbh.

And no I wouldn't spend a lot of £ and travel with a toddler for a fancy dinner.
Why should I?

OP you need to pracise 'No' and practise to set boundaries. If you don't people will treat you in way you aren't happy with like this nigth. Say no in future.

ilovesushi · 21/03/2025 07:59

Could your DH not have dealt with the situation more assertively if you were feeling thrown and not up to the confrontation? I do get how you must have felt completely blindsided and in the moment weren't able to be straight with him and the uninvited guests.

mum11970 · 21/03/2025 07:58

So if the colleagues sat at the table, where did the four people, whose seats they were in, sit and what did they eat? It would be plainly obvious there wasn’t enough set places.

BobLemon · 21/03/2025 07:57

Good question from a pp - what did your parents think?

BobLemon · 21/03/2025 07:57

Was your uncle trying to show off? Before your Ramadan comment I was already wondering if some cultural stereotyping was happening. Do you think he may have already said “oh my family are * culture and of course we always make people welcome and feed them”?

I was recently made to visit a family I didn’t know (and whose language I didn’t speak) by a friend who was also my lift! Insisted we would all be welcome and fed. She was right actually. Offered (well, force fed) food and drink so much I felt embarrassed at the small gift we’d brought.

Maddy70 · 21/03/2025 07:48

TBF he didn't know it was her birthday and what you had planned. He was in the area with some colleagues and asked you was it ok to come and see you. He obviously cares about you all and as you say he lives a fair distance away .

You DH said he would get pizza for them so obviously they then sat at the table to eat

There was a lot of miscommunication going on. I'm sure your DH e botes the company. TBF you ruined this by staying in the kitchen that was just silly. He's when he realised it was a birthday party they should have left but as you're close enough for him to invited you to his party he obviously felt it was appropriate for him to be there. I feel sorry for his colleagues they must have been super embarrassed your uncle was a bit thoughtless but noone died .
Re the dinner I wouldn't go solely because who takes a two year old to a formal dinner?

treesocks23 · 21/03/2025 07:47

Was your uncles sibling there?
You said grandparents were there so it seems strange they didn’t pipe up to say something to save you the embarrassment!

LavenderFields7 · 21/03/2025 07:47

was it politeness stopping you from telling him to shove off? Maybe see a therapist to get some help being more assertive?

JustHavinABreak · 21/03/2025 07:43

God I'll probably be slaughtered for that response 😆

JustHavinABreak · 21/03/2025 07:43

I honestly couldn't get worked up about this but I appreciate that culturally I'm coming from a completely different POV.

I'm Irish and we have a very funny way of dealing with feeding people. In all seriousness, this might go back to the Famine Days (known in the Irish Language as "the Great Hunger") but we pride ourselves on never letting anyone out the door of our homes unless they've been fed and watered!

In a situation like yours, food would be stretched, bread added if needed to bulk it out a bit, squeeze in extra chairs or just find a spot to sit somewhere. I remember many childhood get-togethers where there were people sitting on the steps of the stairs having a great time!

I know it's a bummer when you obviously had something special planned, and from a UK perspective, it was considered rude, but those colleagues have gone away thinking you were really welcoming and hospitable.

As regards the dinner, if you've told your uncle you'll attend, I think you should go because (to me) being ticked off about this is not reason enough to go back on your word. BUT I don't think it's the right place for a two year no matter how well behaved. Assuming it's an evening event, when your DD gets tired, she could just not be able to manage. As someone who brings the kids everywhere or doesn't go, I think it would really change the atmosphere for everyone else.