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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to go to uncle's fancy dinner anymore

132 replies

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 05:33

It was recently my DD's 2nd birthday. The plan was that DD's favourite people come for dinner and playtime with DD (grandparents plus mine and DH's siblings - 11 people in total). Unexpectedly my uncle texted (at about 4.30pm) asking if he could come over - he wasn't aware I was having a family dinner but I was more than happy to have him over as he lives a 100 miles away and so it isn't often he is down. He then said he had some colleagues with him and would there be enough food or should he tell them to eat elsewhere. I was astounded - explained it was literally DD's birthday, I had cooked a nice meal for the family and it would be best if his colleagues ate elsewhere. He then replied they were 10 minutes away (about 5.45pm) and that his colleagues were small eaters. I replied I wouldn't have enough for his 3 colleagues but if he just came on his own that would be fine. I was furious.

I told DH I wasn't coming out of the kitchen and that he was to only serve them juice and biscuits and my uncle could sort out their food. My house is organised so that I have a through lounge where the living room and dining area is one massive room. I felt like it would be so awkward if the colleagues were sat in the living area and my family were sat in the dining area having dinner. Anyway they arrived around 6pm, uncle came into the kitchen to see me and apologise and say he didn't know how to get rid of them. DH panic ordered two pizzas. I had made a roast dinner for my family. Soon after mine and DH's families arrived. My roast dinner was ready, DH took all the food to the dining area. I then went into the room to greet my family and ILs but saw that uncle and his colleagues were already sat at the dining table. I wanted to burst out crying. The colleagues were all very appreciative that I was doing so much and how kind I was. I have no idea what my uncle said to them but it was fairly obvious it was a birthday party (balloons and decorations everywhere) and that it wasn't a dinner for them. I left the room and stayed in the kitchen until uncle and colleagues left.

Anyway fast forward the evening, they ate dinner, not enough space for the intended guests to eat at the table, not enough starters for the intended guests, uncle and his colleague stayed until about 8.45pm which meant our cake cutting etc was delayed as I didn't want them present for something that is supposed to be a special family moment.

Over Christmas time last year, my uncle invited us to a charity event (£70 per ticket) in his constituency about 100 miles away (he is in politics) to which we (myself, DH and DD) said we would come. The event is next month. It will cost us about £600 for a one night stay factoring in travel costs, hotel room, ticket cost and costumes (themed black tie event). We haven't paid for our tickets yet but my uncle has booked a hotel room for us at the venue (for which we will also pay for after the stay as is normal with hotel stays). He might be out of pocket with the hotel if we decline the invite.

AIBU to make an excuse and say we won't come?

Today he messaged me to say the food was delicious. But no apology or anything. I haven't replied. He literally gatecrashed DD's 2nd birthday party with 3 strangers, who came uninvited, ate our food and then there wasn't enough for others. And then stayed for ages and wouldn't leave (on a weeknight too!). At one point after dinner my uncle came in to make them tea!! I just wanted to literally tell him to fuck off now because we would like to cut DD's cake and not have Tom, Dick and Harry loitering about.

OP posts:
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BeholdOurButterStinketh · 22/03/2025 07:41

As with so many CF threads, people will berate you for 'letting them treat you as a pushover' - but in the real world, that's the exact MO that they work to.

They know that most decent people just wouldn't have such shocking behaviour like that on their radar, so it completely blindsides you when somebody acts so blatantly.

A bit like Bishop Brennan on Father Ted, when Ted is challenged to kick him up the bottom! Trump seems to get away with bonkers crazy stuff in a similar way too - because he just has so much misplaced confidence and belief in himself.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 21:45

Lots of PP saying how much of a wet lettuce I've been. I appreciate that. I think for me to formulate a response that is firm but one where I'm comfortable being that firm, it takes some thinking and planning. Otherwise I end up feeling anxious that I'm the one that's been rude. This part of my personality isn't something I am OK with but it is unfortunately a part of my personality. And I am working on it. I find some people's responses really helpful and seeing how they might articulate themselves and the way they describe their tone. I think for some posters this is very natural, but I would tie myself up in knots trying to work out how I've come across etc etc. and I'll spend a chunk of time wondering if I've hurt or offended someone. I can generally avoid getting myself in these situations and people are generally respectful if I voice an opinion one way or another.

My DM apologised to DH on behalf of her brother tonight and I felt so bad because it wasn't anything to do with my DM but she was mortified. DH being the lovely person he is told my mum he wasn't at all bothered by it and didn't mind it one bit.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 21/03/2025 19:33

I put YABU as you could have said he can no longer comes once he said he wasn’t alone. I’m not sure why he thought it’s a good idea to visit you with colleagues in tow, birthday party or not.

MzHz · 21/03/2025 19:29

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 06:00

I wish I had the confidence to have said something. I don't like confrontations but I did tell my uncle that I would have been fine if it was just him but I couldn't believe he'd brought the others and could he not explain to them we're having a special occasion. He said that he was "their ride" and so they were stuck to him. I feel like he must have explained something else to them for them to be OK about staying.

Show quote history

Oh ffs, I’m sick to death of people who say “oh I can’t do confrontations”

this isn’t confronting them, it’s communicating!

sorry colleagues, can I put you all over here with the pizzas and we’ll have our food.

there is literally no point in letting situations just develop and you make no choice or control when literally it’s your home/your food and your favour.

worst case scenario TELL UNCLE to move and manage his colleagues

please don’t allow this wet lettuce behaviour to ruin a single second of your life from now on.

MasterBeth · 21/03/2025 19:11

What. The. Fuck?

hulahooper2 · 21/03/2025 19:02

yes your uncle should have gone else but why did you stay in the kitchen

Whattodo12e · 21/03/2025 18:59

I, can't believe the work colleges didn't sense something was strange and have the good grace to notice it's a family event and sit elsewhere and be in the fringes.
How rude of them

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 21/03/2025 18:42

Your uncle is an arrogant shit.

You were perfectly assertive in your message to him. To quote a MN favourite, 'no is a complete sentence'. He obviously decided that your 'no' wasn't good enough and banked on you all being too polite to object while he just rode roughshod over your wishes on your daughter's birthday.

Who the fuck does he think he is? In fact, who is he? Because if he's my MP he can kiss goodbye to my vote.

Good for you not going to his expensive charity do. He probably just wants you there to make him look like the devoted family man. Fuck that shit. And fuck him.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 16:58

BeholdOurButterStinketh · 21/03/2025 09:42

Just out of interest, if the uncle is so firmly ingrained in a culture of hospitality to whomever turns up at any time, how often does he do the hosting? Surely, if that's your shared culture, it's give and take for everybody?

If he's such an important bigwig and part of the generous hosting culture, why didn't he buy your tickets for the posh event himself and then give them to you free?

Not really. He is divorced and lives alone somewhere. We've never been to his house. We usually only see him when we visit my grandmother or if he comes to my mum's.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 21/03/2025 16:11

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/03/2025 10:51

Also just to add I can understand why you found it hard to say no, as your uncle was basically forcing you into the position if being rude to his guests. And he sounds extremely pushy. But as I suggested above I think there were ways around it.

no....big smile, "I am so sorry that MY UNCLE got it wrong/misled you/misunderstood me/is a shit. I am sure as HIS guests, he will take care of you....bye bye"

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 21/03/2025 13:32

My word. What a piss taker your uncle is.

I would detach from now on and certainly not go to the dinner next month.

Incredibly rude. He will do it again though without a thought. You should say something to him and then just be polite with him but avoid socialising.

Fountofwisdom · 21/03/2025 11:47

No surprise that he’s in politics! What a selfish arse your uncle is. I would be fuming too. I absolutely would not be going to the trouble and expense of supporting his event. I would cancel if I were you. If he complains about a cancellation charge, just say that will cover the cost of feeding him and his 3 uninvited guests to your family dinner.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/03/2025 11:42

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/03/2025 10:51

Also just to add I can understand why you found it hard to say no, as your uncle was basically forcing you into the position if being rude to his guests. And he sounds extremely pushy. But as I suggested above I think there were ways around it.

But that's just the point, Tiredofallthis101 - there's no need for rudeness

Surely all it would take is "Sorry we can't do today" on the phone, then if they turned up "What a shame I can't ask you in today (big smile); shall we arrange another time?"

Of course there'll be the usual "Oh we'll only stay 5 minutes", "We'll stay out of the way, honest" etc, but then that can be ignored with the conversation turned straight back to when else they can make it

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/03/2025 10:51

Also just to add I can understand why you found it hard to say no, as your uncle was basically forcing you into the position if being rude to his guests. And he sounds extremely pushy. But as I suggested above I think there were ways around it.

Tiredofallthis101 · 21/03/2025 10:49

I think you had quite a few opportunities to say something to your uncle (eg when he came in to make them tea) and you didn't, which is your fault. However in every other respect your uncle is clearly at fault. He was extremely rude, disrespectful, and selfish. I think you should message or call him and tell him how you feel. It needn't be a horrible message - you just need to set a clear boundary and let him know how you feel.

Lots of good suggestions on this thread. I do think you would benefit from some assertiveness training or some counselling to help you work through why you felt unable to address clearly unacceptable behaviour in the moment - you could have pulled your uncle aside and done it politely eg 'we are waiting to cut DDs cake until your friends have gone, we'd be grateful if you could finish up your tea and then go, thank you.' Or even better at an earlier stage 'uncle I'm sorry but I told you we didn't have food for your friends, please can you all leave now you've finished your tea as we are about to serve the food.'

On a more positive note can you do a 'do over' and have a family celebration another day for her 'unbirthday'?

MumChp · 21/03/2025 10:08

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 09:48

The bit about me staying in the kitchen: I was feeling very very angry and felt very close to tears. I didn't want to go to the other room and look like I was obviously upset especially for DD's sake. I had spent a couple of hours of cooking and feeling a bit stressed and generally feel a bit stressed if I'm hosting so it was a bit of a perfect storm for my emotions. I probably could have been better on how I responded but I was so taken aback by the whole thing at every move - like it just kept getting worse. I tried messaging no, he says they're 10 mins away, when they get here, I reiterate to uncle I don't have enough food etc

I do want to say thank you though to lots of PPs and their draft messages of how to respond to uncle's message. I have made my mind up not to go as we're happy to save that money. I do definitely need to improve my assertiveness/how to diplomatically say no. It's one thing that hit me like a bus after DD was born - the numerous uncomfortable conversations and boundary setting around our preferences for DD and so I have definitely been better with it more recently but also as you can see, plenty of room to improve.

Skip diplomatically. Go to no. It's learning by doing. And you can do it.

aLittleWhiteHorse · 21/03/2025 09:59

Wow - your uncle was beyond rude and inappropriate. He could have simply taken his business colleagues to a restaurant, like a normal person.

I’m not surprised you don’t want to spend time, money and energy going to support him right now. You wouldn’t be able to do it in the right frame of mind anyhow, when you feel so (justifiably) angry and frustrated. It’s plenty of notice re hotel etc since it’s a month away. I am a bit of a people pleaser and yet I would not go.

There’s lessons to be learned here for you, about ways you might potentially handle a future situation, about recognising your own needs in a timely fashion, about how to politely articulate your point of view, etc., and I think you should decline and choose to feel good about responding with dignity, honouring your needs, and firmly placing some respectful boundaries around yourself.

EdithBond · 21/03/2025 09:58

YANBU. If you don’t want to go to or pay for the event, just tell him you won’t be coming. If the hotel booking’s cancelled now, it’s unlikely they’ll charge, other than a limited cancellation fee.

You should also be more assertive. If he brought them without my consent, to avoid embarrassment, I’d have welcomed them but immediately explained it’s a family dinner for DDs birthday and I obvs haven’t catered for them. So, I hope they don’t mind relaxing in the living space with a drink and some nibbles while the family eat their birthday dinner in the dining area. Most people would make their excuses and leave at that point. However, I wouldn’t be too fussed if they sat discretely in the living space. If I found them at the table, I’d politely ask them to move as the family are having their dinner. I’d have also had the cake while they were there.

If people can’t read a room, be respectful and have some manners, you have to be firm with them.

Kitchensinktoday · 21/03/2025 09:57

Nowvoyager99 · 21/03/2025 06:45

Mate! You need better boundaries.

Uncle wouldn’t have crossed the threshold at mine in this situation.

This!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/03/2025 09:53

I probably could have been better on how I responded but I was so taken aback by the whole thing at every move - like it just kept getting worse

It always does with such people, @gollyimholly, especially if they're enabled, which is why shutting them down early usually works best - in this case, having asked uncle not to bring the colleagues, by declining to let them in

No need for angst, hiding in the kitchen and so on; just a simple no would have done it, though if you wanted to be nice you could always have said you'd look forward to meeting them another time

Cucy · 21/03/2025 09:52

You sound like a really lovely person OP.

Its always easier to say what we would have done in hindsight but not so easy in the moment.

I would definitely ask your mum to have a word with him as he seems utterly clueless about how much this impacted you.
Hopefully he will then apologise to you.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 09:48

The bit about me staying in the kitchen: I was feeling very very angry and felt very close to tears. I didn't want to go to the other room and look like I was obviously upset especially for DD's sake. I had spent a couple of hours of cooking and feeling a bit stressed and generally feel a bit stressed if I'm hosting so it was a bit of a perfect storm for my emotions. I probably could have been better on how I responded but I was so taken aback by the whole thing at every move - like it just kept getting worse. I tried messaging no, he says they're 10 mins away, when they get here, I reiterate to uncle I don't have enough food etc

I do want to say thank you though to lots of PPs and their draft messages of how to respond to uncle's message. I have made my mind up not to go as we're happy to save that money. I do definitely need to improve my assertiveness/how to diplomatically say no. It's one thing that hit me like a bus after DD was born - the numerous uncomfortable conversations and boundary setting around our preferences for DD and so I have definitely been better with it more recently but also as you can see, plenty of room to improve.

OP posts:
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 21/03/2025 09:45

gollyimholly · 21/03/2025 06:05

They had sat themselves at the table. DH had sat them at the sofas but they had migrated to the table when DH went in with the roast dinner. It all felt beyond awkward.

Edit: there are a million more assertive ways to have dealt with this.. but in my pure fury I just didn't know what to do. I also did not want a scene on DD's birthday and wanted to keep the mood positive. And just did not know how to navigate it on the spot. DH I think generally defers to me when dealing with my side of the family so I think he felt he just had to be polite. I was a bit stunned that despite telling my uncle to to tell his colleagues to eat elsewhere that they were still there and then felt like he was just doing his own thing regardless of what I said.

Edited
Show quote history

There didn't need to be a scene - i would have got the pizza and laid it out nicely for them in the coffee table and gone up to them quietly at the table and explained the situation about the birthday and that you'd got them some pizza in the lounge and what would they like to drink.

Why does it need to be confrontation. It might have felt awkward, but that feeling would have lasted minutes, instead days after you are still stewing.

In life people act in ways different to how you would, you need to manage this.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 21/03/2025 09:42

He and the colleagues sound entitled and weird.

BeholdOurButterStinketh · 21/03/2025 09:42

Just out of interest, if the uncle is so firmly ingrained in a culture of hospitality to whomever turns up at any time, how often does he do the hosting? Surely, if that's your shared culture, it's give and take for everybody?

If he's such an important bigwig and part of the generous hosting culture, why didn't he buy your tickets for the posh event himself and then give them to you free?