Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

I think at 6 weeks what she is asking for is pretty normal.

I think it’s likely best to start getting everything officially set up however. Start that with official mediation with a timeline goal of increasing contact slowly including moving to without her there. A good tick list for if it ever went to court. Make sure his coms to her if they open back up are written and polite. About the baby and its needs not his wants.

I hope no first time pregnant women are reading this and being led to believe that they would damage their baby if they leave them with their partner or mum for an hour or two to rest. Any good supportive father would immediately be doing this for a short time each day - never mind at 6 weeks. Other than single mums with no support at all of us would have done this - had DH take over whilst I went for a bath, a nap etc it’s completely normal and healthy to spend a short time away from your baby. And during those short times when I was resting he even - shock horror - took baby on a walk, or visited MIL.

At the moment nobody is going to give 50/50 custody to a lad who needs his mummy to hold a conversation for him. You’re not doing your son any favours. He needs to step up, man up, and mature very rapidly.

I think you abu to ask to take the baby, you're nbu for wanting to see the baby.
Let your son go round to hers, you go visit too, get to know her and her family. This will build trust and relationship, leading to dad being able to have baby, when older.
At 6 weeks, I wouldn't have let anyone take DC and I know my in-laws incredibly well.

The mother is not being unreasonable and the important thing for now is he keeps seeing the baby regularly however awkward if he really wants more contact as he grows up. Not sure how it works at the moment if they don’t speak to each other when he’s there but the sooner they learn to at least be polite to each other the better. Even if you are right about money being behind the pregnancy (and remember it dies take two to make a baby) it’s not a view that will help the situation if the mother picks up on it

Seeing the baby with the mother at six weeks is appropriate. I wouldn’t be letting anyone take a baby from me at that age.

He needs to focus on doing what he can to rebuild the relationship.

He is seeing his baby though isn’t he? So it’s not about that. He does have access.

The issue is whether he should see a new born away from the Mother.

Waiting till the baby is three months old is reasonable. You would do well to advise him to use that time to build a better relationship with the Mother. after all they have strong common ground in that they both care for their child.

OP you currently seem to be in adversarial mindset with the Mother. Switching to a collegial mindset will help your son and your grandchild.

She's not refusing access at all.
She's refusing access on his terms.
All your grandson knows is his mother, they need to be together.

As a new mother, I wouldn't have allowed my husband or my parents to take my 6 week old away from me "for a few hours" every weekend (and I have a good relationship with them). It's too early. Look up the fourth trimester... it's pure instinct. Both mother and newborn need to be close to each other (regardless of how baby is fed).

Access hasn't been refused. Your son just needs to understand the bigger picture. His baby (and therefore, by extension, the mother of his baby) is the most important thing to focus on right now. He needs to show that he can prioritise the wellbeing of his baby and compromise on spending his time in an undesired location in order to bond (and hopefully rebuild bridges/trust in order to co-parent). 50/50 contact seems completely unrealistic if he can't even compromise in order to start bonding in the first place.

You can’t take a newborn away from his mother and you will destroy any chance of a productive relationship with her if you try.

I share my kids 50/50 with my ex so am all for dads having equal time. Baby is tiny though. I’ve heard the first 3 months referred to as the fourth trimester and I do think it’s important developmentally and babies shouldn’t be separated from their mothers for long periods if possible. I do think a bit of understanding for the mother would be helpful. Hormones are often a bit bonkers after birth, I had a real visceral reaction to the sound of my baby crying and wouldn’t of wanted to go anywhere without me at that age. It doesn’t last long though.

Little and often with very little babies. I’d be asking to spend an hour at her place every evening ( I’m assuming he works days) and to hold, feed, change baby in that time. By the time six months rolls around afternoons at his. Overnights at one. Shared custody at two.

I think 4 times in 6 weeks is not enough. Is this the only time she’s allowed him to see their baby? I completely understand her not wanting the baby to be taken elsewhere but maybe he could broach the subject of more regular contact so he can bond with his baby. It’s difficult as she’s most likely feeling all over the place and most people don’t want to continue seeing an ex once broken up but they’ve decided to carry on with the pregnancy and hopefully they will be able to be kind to each other for their baby’s sake. I also disagree with a pp who said he shouldn’t be coming running to you, he’s still young and will have no experience of what is ok in this situation. You don’t turn 18 and suddenly you’re a fully fledged adult who doesn’t need any guidance. Good luck.

Come the f* on @LolaJ82 you have clearly had babies yourself so I’ve little empathy for you I’m afraid, you should know better. You do not take a new born away from its mother whilst it would no doubt be unsettling for the baby it would be down right traumatic for the mother having that happen against her will. Not that it sounds like you overly care about the girl.

I’m appalled at having to explain this to another mother! I recall sobbing profusely as I (a then 29 year old woman) watched my DH (a then 35 year old doctor - so knew he was fully capable) drive my then 4 month old baby off to visit MIL an hour away without me because I had an apt and couldn’t go. Give the girl a break, back off and go back to polishing your golden child of a son.

Please also keep in mind that you are arguing for parental rights, for a boy who has to have his mother deal with post partum ex partner. I feel sorry for this girl. I suggest she get her own mother to deal directly with you before you emotionally scar her.

I think it’s great that your son wants an active role in parenting his child, and he can still do this during the initial months of the baby’s life he just may have to deal with the awkwardness of spending time with the baby at her house. At six weeks that baby is way too young to be away for a few hours, breastfed, bottlefed or otherwise. When my boy was six weeks old I didn’t want him out of my sight! There’s no way I would’ve had anyone take him away for hours at a time. Does your son know how to do all the basics like change nappies, prepare bottles, soothe the baby when they’re upset, notice hunger cues etc? Because she will also need to feel like he is competent doing these things before he takes the child independently. I think he needs to show his commitment during these initial months and set up a plan with her to talk about what independent parenting will look like as time goes by. She isn’t refusing access though at all from what you’ve said, I do think what she’s asking is pretty reasonable

If you're trying to force her to give you unsupervised access to her newborn baby against her wishes then you most certainly are harassing her.

At six weeks, the baby is too young to be away from its mother. Your son's ex isn't refusing him access to the baby, she is refusing to have the baby taken away from her. She has agreed that he can see the baby in her house with her present. Your son and his girlfriend need to bond with the baby, you not so much. Why are you so insistent that the baby comes to your house?

Is she worried that your son isn’t going to return him after an hours walk in the pram
or something?

Otherwise I can’t see any reason a bottle fed newborn can’t spend an hour away from mum a couple of times per week. I’d start with encouraging her to maybe be elsewhere in her home whilst he feeds, changes etc. Then ask to take baby out on a short walk. Baby needs to bond with both parents, and it isn't healthy for mum to do everything, it would be good for her to get some rest too. If they were still in a relationship he would be a bad partner and father for not doing this and allowing mum some time to rest.

You say the baby wants for nothing materially because of your son, but babies don't need stuff, they need love and at the moment the bond with mother is going to be stronger
What issue does he have with being at her place? For mow that sounds the best place, once baby is weaned and gets to know him then spending time at yours becomes the norm. He needs to have baby while mum.goes upstairs for a rest, build his confidence.

No-one had said this, so your overreaction here says a lot.

The baby is 6 wks old and both parents are very young. Give her time.

What do you mean by "his money was the main driver"?

“My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.”

”the issue that WE have”

”denying US access”

“all that WE are asking for”

you’re already unreasonable for how you speak about her, but yes you are absolutely being unreasonable for expecting a woman to hand over her six week old to her ex and his over-involved mummy

If your son has such a good job, why is he still living at home with mummy? Why doesn't he grow up and move out and have his own home where he can have the baby 50-50?

My guess is that her son is a footballer and OP lives in her son’s home (bit like Jude Bellinghams mum lives with him in Spain). Most players at top levels are quite “young” maturity-wise as everything is done for them at the academies from a young age, so they don’t learn basic life skills most other teenagers are learning.

It’s normally a good thing to have their mothers around for this reason, but only if those mothers are sensible - which OP doesn’t appear to be.

The baby is 6 weeks old. Of course his mother doesn't want him to be unsupervised in the company of people she barely knows. If she's breastfeeding then she literally can't be separated from her baby for more than an hour or so even if she wanted to, which she doesn't.

The baby also has no interest in a relationship with either you or your son at the moment. All the baby wants is to be as close as possible to his mother all the time.

Your son is a 19 year old boy, he doesn't understand this, but you're a mother and you should know better. Until the baby is (much) older, contact needs to be on the mother's terms.

Please educate your son, and do what is in the best interests of the baby, who didn't ask to be born into this mess.

It will probably never be in the baby's best interests to live with your son 50% of the time.

@LolaJ82 you need to explain to your ds that his baby needs his mum at this age and your ds must be patient and supportive. If he can bide his time and prove he’s prepared to visit whilst feeling totally uncomfortable then his ex will trust him eventually to have time alone with his baby when she is ready.
However he has to do the ground work here.
It’s no good him having immature strops and complaining to mummy.
He was old enough to create a life and now he must grow up quickly.

He can see his child. You are in for a long long road if this is how you are going to approach her. Get round her house and help, get him to do the same, you will get what you want. Not like this.

And stop being your immature son's 'go between'. Tell him to grow up, move out of home and handle his own problems like a MAN.