To exclude one from sleepover?

I would be inviting A for afternoon play and then pizza and a movie and asking mum to collect her for 8/9pm.

If A or her mum ask why she isn’t invited to sleep over you simply say that due to previous track record it’s best to leave it a little longer until A is ready to actually stay the whole night.

My daughter has a friend who can’t manage sleepovers. She has a sleepover party for her birthday each year and this girl goes home around 11 or so - her mum picks her up. I insisted on her having a plan after the first year when the girl panicked and her mum was out for the night and had to get a taxi and it
was a whole endless thing.

Can you try 1:1 first?

Definitely this. Why should you also lose a nights sleep wondering when you’re going to get woken up as well.

“mum insists A really wants to come and would be really upset if she was excluded”

But if you are including her for dinner and fun before bedtime, then she’s not being excluded. My DD went through a phase of doing this - I’d have been overjoyed if another mother had suggested it! YANBU, OP, the unreasonable person here is the girl’s DM who for whatever reason is trying to guilt you into having her child.

Do you know why she gets scared? My daughter used to be like this, she just liked to be with mum and dad! It does sound like she wants to come but struggles once she’s there. I think it’s really awkward because she’s needing to go home in the early hours. I would also have a chat with your daughter. Could they do something together just the two of them rather than a sleepover? It is hard.

Trouble is the kid might want to stay at 9 pm when asked yet at 11.30 crying to go home

Is there a reason she gets scared? Is she OK until its time to go to sleep? Could you speak to the mother and see if there is anything that would make her more settled.

You could make it into a thing where you are going to get up and go get breakfast, or make a special breakfast, or take them into town for an hour. Give her an incentive to stay maybe?

You could invite her and say to her at around 9 maybe, would you like to stay for the rest of the evening, or I can take you home now?

Suggest her Mum hosts, a sleepover if she hasn't already.

What? How the hell do you reach that conclusion? The OP has gone out of her way to include this child? Driving her home in the middle of the night!?
I’d go with - she is welcome to stay til a reasonable time, maybe 10 or 11 but then you will be bringing her home. You are not prepared to be up in the middle of the night and it is unfair on all the others in the house. Her mother is being extremely selfish.

It sounds like they have tried, several times. It is becoming unreasonable as the host doesn't know if and when they are going to need to take the child home and this is then disruptive to the other children (and themselves if they have to do this in the middle of the night once they have assumed everyone is asleep and gone to bed themselves).

So would l. Sleepovers are stressful enough!

Why? All the other girls clearly enjoy it. Why should they all be miss out because one child can’t cope away from home?

She clearly isn’t up to sleepovers and is ruining them for everyone else. If the mum wants her to get used to being away from home then maybe some sleepovers at a grandparent will do it.

It’s certainly not the OP’s responsibility, and neither does the OP’s DD or the other DC deserve to have their fun spoiled.

It would be hard to exclude one but I wouldn't spend a long time comforting her. At the first sign of upset bundle her home and let the others get on.

Put on your big girl pants @dontyousay and tell the mother that you are inviting "Anna" to play and dinner but her mum needs to pick her up at × (when it's convenient for you). This is an invitation so she can accept or decline but she doesn't get to modify the invitation. Not your job to work on Anna's coping skills on sleepovers. Tell the mum you're willing to try again in a year's time to see if Anna has matured but for now it's no. You are not excluding her, she's still invited to the part that she's comfortable with. Her mum is a CF and you need to put down some boundaries.

It didn’t appear to me like that at all.

Why should op facilitate a child ruining her daughter’s sleepover for the nth time? She clearly has issues about sleepovers so she’s not invited to stay over. Simple really

I’d just invite her over for the day and take her back around 6/7pm.
if mum moans just say you can’t be dropping her off at 2am again as it’s disturbs all the kids including your dd siblings. So best to drop her off so everyone gets a good sleep and say you’ll try a sleepover again in the summer.

I would exclude her and be firm about it. She can’t ruin another sleepover when it’s for your kids birthday

Exactly this. You will only need to do it once. She's making you the bad guy and at her leisure and your great inconvenience.

No doubt if you actually call her tomfetch her she will give some crap about how it's only a few more hours til morning and when that doesn't work will indicate that she will leave toddler at home in warm bed to guilt you. All of these are her decisions.

But no, I wouldn't make myself the bad guy banning friend, I'd make mum follow through and collect.

I think it sounds sensible that for this occasion A goes home at an arranged time. This has the benefit of you being able to plan your evening, your dd having the rest of the night with no-one being upset, and will also let A experience going home at a set time with no sleepover pressure. It may make her realise that this is what she prefers, or conversely make her determined that on the next sleepover she will be ready to stay!

If you exclude her, you will inevitably look the bad guy regardless of how upset she gets and how inconvenient it is to you. It might also have a knock on effect on the friendship generally

What about the other girls whose evenings are being spoiled by this one girl? They might start deciding they don't want to come if she is going to be there. It's not all about what A wants - there are other people to be considered.

Where did you get that ridiculous conclusion from?
The child clearly has issues. The DD still wants to include her, which is lovely. However, her bahaviour eventually becomes a challeengexall round because the OP doesn't know what time a meltdown will occur (9pm, 2am, etc), and then someone has to take it home, or organise collection.

I couldn't be bothered with that, harsh as it may sound it's not your job to support someone else's child.

Tell her she can come but she needs to be collected at X time. If the parent says "let her try" just say no, that doesn't work for me.

Why should they all be punished for the sake of one? That's very unfair.

Either be firm in collecting at X time or agree a send home/pick up time for now and if all is going well then she can stay. So has a set exit time but can stay on if she really wants to/you think she will make the distance.