To exclude one from sleepover?

Getting to the bottom of the cause may help.

That's for her mum to do, it's not OP's job.

What exactly is she getting upset about? I've skimmed the posts but may have missed it. Is she missing mum? Is she scared of using the loo when it's late, or have a bed wetting fear? Getting to the bottom of the cause may help. I know it's a pain in the arse but I do feel a bit bad for her, 10 is still quite young for some girls. I think if you get mum to collect though that would help massively. I'd hate to think of a little girl sad and missing her mum if she was at mine but worried about making a fuss. Hands up I haven't had to deal with that yet though

It really isn't your job to facilitate this "working on it" stuff. The kid either comes and sleeps, or gets picked up at a pre arranged time. Sleepovers are meant to be fun, if all the girls are having to coax and cajole and it spoils it there's no point. Perhaps she could try sleeping at her Nans house or suchlike, rather than relying on you to fix her phobia.

Maybe if you actually let them all walk in the dark it would actually help the girl realise how selfish she is being.

If she doesn't like walking home in the dark she'll feel safer just staying at yours.

I would make sure that your car conveniently has something wrong with it that night

Hopefully the girls as her friends are quite supportive and kind and help get her through her wobbles.

They shouldn't have to. They are ten years old. They are there to have a fun time and then go to sleep, not deal (yet again) with a wobbling friend who is keeping them awake. It's not their responsibility.

No good saying she has to stay until morning if she's then going to keep everyone up because she won't settle down and at least try to sleep - which it seems is what has happened in the past.

No I couldn’t be dealing with that I’m afraid. I’d say she is more than welcome to come but needs to be collected at 9pm.

How sad for the poor girl. I think you are being a little harsh. I would probably do as someone else says - give a latest time you can drop her back (or mum collects her ideally - not your problem if she has to get the other kid up). After that she stays until morning. Hopefully the girls as her friends are quite supportive and kind and help get her through her wobbles.

The mum should not be expecting you to manage this. She should be saying to her dd that she has to come home before bedtime and she needs to arrange that transport. I wouldn’t allow my dd to be inconveniencing other people like this.

Well yes if one of mine had to be collected due to " not coping" with a sleepover I'd have collected them but never let them go again. Fortunately they never had such issues as went brownie camps at 8 v, doit4real weeks away from 10. Trips with school and cadets as well as friends sleepovers

So by " not coping" they would've had a very restricted life

What happens if, when she gets upset and asks to go home*, you say "it's the middle of the night and everyone's in bed; get some sleep and I'll take you after breakfast if you still want to go"? Of course, you'd need her parents to present a united front in case she calls them directly and asks to be picked up; I'd consider getting everyone (both daughters, both sets of parents) to agree up front that she leaves at (let's say) 9 or stays til morning. This can't be pleasant for the anxious friend either; she must know she's disrupting both families and the other guests.

*(provided she's not ill or in danger, which would be a different situation).

I would honestly set a time limit - say 10pm and ask the girl if she wants to go or stay, but this is her last chance to go. After that, she will have to manage.
it’s not acceptable to be taking a child home at 2am, especially when she would only have to wait a few hours until everyone was up again. I think boundaries are needed here.

edited to say , inform the child’s mother this is the score. She can pick up at 10am or the child stays the night.

Indeed. “ Working on it” which involves other people ferrying her kid around at random hours of the night is something I wouldn’t be indulging.

Year 6 and she hasn’t grown out of crying to be taken home in the middle of the night at sleepovers?
I’m assuming there’s no SEN? What exactly does ‘working on it’ mean? The parents should be making it clear to the child that the deal is she stays all night unless there’s an emergency. If my DC had tried that bollocks then they would not have been going to any more sleepovers. I can’t stand this weak overindulgent parenting!

Easy to type that when you’re not the one driving someone else’s kid home at 2am after a big week at work. God I hate these virtue signallers!

A few times a year? I'd just include her and take her home if needed.

Just put yourself in this girl's shoes. She's desperate to be involved with what her friends are doing, she just isn't quite as independent as they are yet. I'm sure she'll get there. You have an opportunity to put yourself out a few times a year and be an adult who was kind to her when she needed it, or to make her feel even worse and more embarrassed and excluded than she no doubt already does. I know which I'd choose.

Friend's mum needs to stop pushing her daughter into this and needs to be having a chat with her DD instead about what she's so anxious about.

Weirdly my sister went through the exact same thing at a similar age, turned out she was incredibly anxious at the thought of starting her periods and what she'd do if it happened in the middle of the night at someone else's house. My mum just said OK no more sleepovers for the time being. She suddenly grew out of it very quickly, did loads of sleepovers during secondary school and at 18 charged off on a gap year by herself.

Poor friend probably feels super self conscious about this anyway, the best thing her mum could do is say she'd love to come for the day/evening but we have plans the next day and have to be out early, so I'll be collecting her at 8pm. That's what my mum did. Totally removed the pressure of the decision from my sister.

say you want her to know that if at any point she'd like to go home she can let you know and you'll bring her home straight away
But op doesn’t want to sign up for a possible/probable 3 or 4am car journey, though?
This is not unreasonable in the slightest.

I’d send:

Hi Clare, just to let you know that Emily is having a sleepover tomorrow night. Sophie is welcome of course, but I’m worried she’ll be unsettled. Neither Mike or I can drop her back if she gets upset in the night this time - we have a lot going on at the moment, what with one thing or another. I’m happy to drop her back to you at 8.30pm or you can collect her if you can at the same sort of time? Or she can sit this one out? Emily hasn’t mentioned it to her yet. Let me know what you think is the best option. Susie xxx

I think it would be unkind to exclude her completely but tell the mother that it is too disruptive to continue the way that it is and set a time either for the child to be collected or you take her home. DD1 has a friend who doesn’t like staying over and usually just goes home about 10.

This 👆 Very sensible and measured approach.

I think invite her but explain to mum you can’t drop her home. First sign of upset, bright and breezy call mum. No need to spend time comforting etc. and yes, def make mum come out!

So is that much of an issue if she needs a lift home?

Well yes!! If OP and her DH have been working all week, then have to drop an upset girl back home at 2am, I’d say it was a massive issue. I would be so embarrassed if my child disrupted another couples weekend like this.