To ask if this would annoy you or it’s not a big deal?

I would probably stop. In our family how we all do it is if you see the child around the time of their birthday you give a card and a small gift (or perhaps money), if you don’t see them then you would acknowledge with a phone call (usually) or a text. No-one sends anything through the post ever.

Admittedly this means that it might not work out entirely “fair” in that one child might get a gift every second year and another child might get one every year, but I can assure you we don’t keep track.

Don't make their children more important than yours. I would pull back on the presents to be honest.

Sorry this was a reply to a poster who said it was “petty” for women not to want to organise gifts for their husband’s families 🙄

I do 100% of the mental load. DH has literally never bought or organised a single thing for our own DC - not even functional things like clothes. He wouldn’t even know what size to buy.

So no, it’s not petty to opt out of a task that absolutely should be his job.

He is more or less equal with laundry, cooking, cleaning and childcare but anything requiring initiative (including planning the meals he cooks) falls to me. We have a disabled DC, which comes with loads of admin he doesn’t participate in. I just don’t have the headspace to nurture his family relationships as well as my own. We are a team in other ways but no, just no.

You have two choices you can either speak to your db and agree to just send cards (your dc can still make them) or you can continue to see this as a nice experience for your kids and worry less about reciprocation. Great opportunity to teach your kids about not giving to recieve

Stop doing presents it doesn't have to create drama

Yes because anyone who happily receives gifts for their kids but repeatedly doesn’t reciprocate is a CF so I’d just send a card. Shows your children that you will stand up for them. I can see why they’d be hurt if you’re always getting gifts for your nieces and nephews but their aunty / uncle doesn’t bother with them. probably makes them feel less valued in the family.

I wouldn’t mind if they are just genuinely busy and send a card / gift late but if they don’t bother then they’re total CFs

Op I get it, I’m like you, I naturally remember birthdays and enjoy organising card and present even if I’m busy. It’s an effort to resist! However plenty of people just don’t think about it and struggle to organise themselves, or simply do not consider it important in the same way I do. I accept that and have an agreement that suits us both, usually that we don’t bother! In your case I’d probably keep it up if you can accept they won’t be as diligent.

I don’t think it’s petty to not do gifts etc for your DH/DP family after all they know when all their families birthdays are and know them better. Not one man I’ve been with ever has asked me when my families birthdays are so they can buy gifts, many many men however see this as something women do, many of whom find it stressful and don’t like it so don’t do it. I find it odd on MN that so many still do it esp when their partners clearly aren’t stepping up although often times they’re ’really great’ and ‘cut the grass and put the bins out’ which are conveniently once a week at best jobs.

I know that there are many relationships where the workload is shared, in my experience unfortunately this isn’t what I’ve experienced and I’ve found the people that tell me their DH dies share, by my standards they don’t.

You need to focus on doing what YOU want to do and not what you think is 'expected' of you. If you do decide to stop sending gifts that's your prerogative - and you certainly don't have to explain why. If your 'no show' is then picked up by them just say: 'Ah, I figured we weren't doing gifts any more when you missed x's birthday'. Then say no more about it.

Personally it wouldn’t bother me but as you don’t see them regularly how do you know what to buy them? I used to send money to my niece and nephew until they reached 18 as we didn’t see them often. My sister and brother did the same with my kids. The faff of posting stuff and the expense put me off. My husband never bothered with nieces on his side and I firmly set the precedent that he deal with birthdays/Christmas on his side and I with relatives on my side. Some families make a big deal of birthdays and others are more laid back. If you still want to do presents then you could suggest ones a few weeks before your DD1s birthday. Sounds like they are more disorganised than doing it maliciously though.

It is unfair if you think about it, just because presents are important to kids. If I were you, I'd consider just sending token gifts for them and maybe not buying and pre-wrapping but just ordering straight to their address so you don't have to put in so much effort. That way you're still acknowledging the birthdays but it's not so unfair on your side when it's not reciprocated.

I also wouldn't include your kids in the process so they're not so aware of the disparity. Kids do have a strong sense of fairness and they naturally like presents so it will seem unjust to them. If they bring it up, I'd just say that some people don't always send birthday presents because they might be busy or might not have money at the time.

I just do not get this. It's such bollocks. In a healthy equal partnership one person can buy and wrap gifts. The other might do all the laundry and the cooking. I can't understand why MN gets so het up about cards and presents. Frankly I'd rather do that than cook dinner every night (which my DH happily does!)

This seems really petty and something I never understand on MN - why would you deliberately cut people off in this way just because you think your DH should do it for 'his' family?

I get most presents / cards for my DH family because we're a team. He often goes round to my parents to help them out with little jobs. Why wouldn't I help him out with buying gifts for his family?

It’s not about the present as such is that your children’s uncle doesn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you put in with his kids.
Is he a good uncle in other ways?
Do you see each other often?
I would wager he doesn’t know your kids birthdays off the top of his head and it’s just not on his radar, do you invite them to their birthdays?

I think if you want to keep sending presents that’s ok but don’t involve your kids as they notice they don’t get something back - which isn’t entitled it’s just a normal expectation for a child to have

Some suggestions...

SIL has obviously left your DDs to their unvle as it is his side of the family, and your BIL cant be arsed. Delegate present buying to your DH (he might forget too, but at least you dont have to worry about it).

Get DH to talk to his brother " hey bro, you forgot Sally's birthday - can you put a reminder in your phone for a week before the date next year so you've got enough time to send a card?"

If you haven't got a family WhatsApp group, start one, and then a week before the first birthday in the bunch send a message "back round to birthday season - what is niece into these days? DD4 likes spiderman and DD7 has taken up juggling..."

I think some people rate relationships in a sort of transactional way. A thoughtful present matters to them. It's a sign that someone values them. But others are not like this. Different things matter to them. A good conversation, emotional support. Buying things is meaningless to them. You're just a different type of person to them.

I do it as I love them and it’s important.

Not everyone attaches the same importance to gift-giving. But if you think it's important, then surely you should continue.

You should also teach your children that not everyone attaches the same importance to gift-giving.

It becomes quite awkward when the children start noticing that their aunt/uncle don't actually recognise their birthdays. I stopped making excuses to mine and just said I don't know why this happens, perhaps they don't consider birthdays important.
I used to really wind me up as, like you, I used to make an effort.
I then started just putting some cash in the card. I really feel less stressed by it.

I honestly couldn’t care less about this sort of thing. It wouldn’t remotely offended me if any family member didn’t make a fuss over my child for their birthday. I don’t think it at all tells me how they feel about my child.

I suspect I feel that way because I am crap at remembering anyone’s birthday (including my own) so am terrible at sending cards and gifts. I’d give my niece a kidney in a heartbeat but I send her birthday gifts late every single year. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. So I would never assume someone doesn’t care about my son because they haven’t sent him a thoughtful, beautifully wrapped, perfectly timed gift.

It sounds like you and your daughters enjoy the process of buying, wrapping and sending the gifts, & that’s lovely, but hating all that faff doesn’t mean you don’t care about someone. People show love in different ways and being brutally honest…I think some people are gift givers because it makes them feel good, they get something out of it & it isn’t actually all about their love and devotion to the recipient.

Plus of course, there’s the societal expectation that it’s the sign of a “well run house hold” for the woman of the house to do these sorts of things. I know you’ve said your DH is involved but I’ll just be honest and say I don’t believe you 🤷‍♀️ He wasn’t brought into the conversation at all until a PP brought it up. It was all you and your DD.

Yeah, this isn't your problem to have. Put it firmly back with your husband, problem solved.

Sorry but you are also teaching your daughters that it’s something mummy/a woman does. This is how stereotypes are perpetuated, although that’s your choice obvs.