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Original poster

Who should message first on birthday?

153 replies

BdayQ · 20/03/2025 20:51

If it were say, Anne’s birthday and Anne had received a card from her MIL, would you expect

  1. MIL to message Anne first on her birthday to say HBD?
  2. Anne to message MIL first to say thanks for the card?
I’ll not say whether I am Anne or MIL, just trying to settle a conversation with
  1. DH because MIL should send message to say HBD and Anne claims she then would’ve said thanks for the card
  2. DS because Anne should message MIL to say thanks for the card and MIL claims she then would’ve said HBD

First world problems I know so fairly lighthearted and trivial, just wanted to see the general consensus as one person thinks the other was rude.

Wanted to change the poll question and responses but it won’t let me, so I’ll randomly assign

You are BU as MIL messages first

You are not BU as Anne messages first

OP posts:
Tryingmum456 · 20/03/2025 21:56

If I got the card on my birthday. I would message to say thank you, at some point during the day, if not within the next couple of days.

I say that as a 26 year old, who is not a MIL. Maybe I biased because I do adore my MIL but I think it’s just manners.

Vallmo47 · 20/03/2025 21:56

I would only expect people to wish me a happy birthday on the day if they had access to social media, but if they are normally active online I’d probably hold back a bit and give them a chance to drop me a message at which point I’d thank them both for the message and for the card/present.
If I didn’t hear from them full stop I’d drop them a message later on to say thank you for my card.

I find it odd some posters are claiming to not expect a message full stop, either to wish a happy birthday or to say thank you for card. Are these the same people I bump into out and about who don’t thank people for holding doors open/moving out of the way/stepping aside when blocking the pavement? I was always taught manners cost nothing.

lostintherainyday · 20/03/2025 21:55

MasterBeth · 20/03/2025 21:51

Should the person who you sent the thank-you text to thank you for your text?

Show quote history

No, that would be terribly rude.

They should send a thank you card, but they should have bought it in advance - preferably posting it the previous day in anticipation.

Whoarethoseguys · 20/03/2025 21:53

I don't think it matters who messages first.

MasterBeth · 20/03/2025 21:51

veganfortheanimals21 · 20/03/2025 21:11

A few very rude people on here. Of course if you receive a card you at least message to say thank you. It's a lovely thing to send a card and one should be grateful for the thoughtful people in your life.

Should the person who you sent the thank-you text to thank you for your text?

MasterBeth · 20/03/2025 21:49

You don't need to send a birthday text if you've sent a birthday card and you don't need to text a thank-you for either

LetsPhotographTheLights · 20/03/2025 21:48

Whoever gets around to calling first. It’s not a big deal to me.

I did have a relative who had very set ideas on how things like this should be done and he was very hard work and not my sort of person at all. He fell out with another relative because she didn't call him on his birthday until the evening and that was ‘too late’. She had been at work all day and he was retired. Very hard work!

JoyousEagle · 20/03/2025 21:45

This isn’t something I’d pay attention to. If I opened a card from someone, I’d text to say thanks for the card. It wouldn’t be on my radar “should they have texted me to say happy birthday first”. And if I’d sent a card, i may also remember to text, but again, I wouldn’t be thinking “well I’m not texting until they thank me for the card!”

onwardsup4 · 20/03/2025 21:44

CandyCane457 · 20/03/2025 21:39

If someone has taken the time to buy, write and post me a card for my birthday, I would always send a text to say thank you.

If I care enough for someone to send a card i would want them to be enjoying their birthday not worrying about thanking me for the card. Day or two later sure it’s nice to send a thank you message

InfoSecInTheCity · 20/03/2025 21:43

Is there an etiquette around this? Isn’t it just whoever thinks to do it, or is up and awake first? My MIL gets up with the sun, so often messages on birthdays at stupid o’clock and I then see it when I wake up.

TheCurious0range · 20/03/2025 21:42

It doesn't matter.
I do say thank you for cards, but I don't always open them in the morning if I have work or we're out for the day leaving early, meaning I wouldn't text thanks until the evening. My close friends and family would still message saying happy birthday, even if they'd sent a card.

FrogsLoveRain · 20/03/2025 21:41

Littletreefrog · 20/03/2025 21:08

My DM expects me to call to say Happy Birthday to her early in the day after also sending her a card otherwise she will be in a mood.

However if it is my birthday I am also expected to call early in the day to say thank you for the card otherwise she is in a mood.

So to answer your question if you are my Mother everyone should call you regardless of if they are the card sender or receiver.

Love your username 💜

MinnieCoops · 20/03/2025 21:41

Is clearly your bday. I wouldn’t message thanks for a card either but I’m guessing your MIL is a loon.

CandyCane457 · 20/03/2025 21:39

If someone has taken the time to buy, write and post me a card for my birthday, I would always send a text to say thank you.

Astr0zombie · 20/03/2025 21:34

Life is too short for this shit.

onwardsup4 · 20/03/2025 21:19

Card sender doesn’t need to message as already sent the card and birthday haver doesn’t need to message to thank for a card so since no one actually has to message it really doesn’t matter

Holiday24 · 20/03/2025 21:17

Whoever is complaining is the unreasonable one. Neither of those scenarios matter.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 20/03/2025 21:15

Ca55andraMortmain · 20/03/2025 21:08

This thread is making me laugh as this scenario happens every year on mine, dh and the dcs birthdays. Mil nearly always messages around 9am, not to wish the birthday person a happy birthday but to ask if we got her card, thereby highlighting that we have not messaged to thank her for it. Sublime entertainment for us all.

That would definitely mean that I would lie and say I hadn’t opened my cards yet. Every year. Even if she started texting later and later. I’d end up pretending I was planning to open things after dinner if necessary because this would simultaneously annoy and amuse me

veganfortheanimals21 · 20/03/2025 21:11

A few very rude people on here. Of course if you receive a card you at least message to say thank you. It's a lovely thing to send a card and one should be grateful for the thoughtful people in your life.

Ca55andraMortmain · 20/03/2025 21:08

This thread is making me laugh as this scenario happens every year on mine, dh and the dcs birthdays. Mil nearly always messages around 9am, not to wish the birthday person a happy birthday but to ask if we got her card, thereby highlighting that we have not messaged to thank her for it. Sublime entertainment for us all.

Littletreefrog · 20/03/2025 21:08

My DM expects me to call to say Happy Birthday to her early in the day after also sending her a card otherwise she will be in a mood.

However if it is my birthday I am also expected to call early in the day to say thank you for the card otherwise she is in a mood.

So to answer your question if you are my Mother everyone should call you regardless of if they are the card sender or receiver.

Livelaughlurgy · 20/03/2025 21:08

Waiting is the rude bit. When you remember it's the BD MIL should message HBD, when you open the card you text MIL to say thanks. Waiting to respond to someone's message is mental.

Original poster
BdayQ · 20/03/2025 21:08

B1indEye · 20/03/2025 21:05

What a fuss about nothing, you don't need to thank people for sending you a card and if you've sent a card you dont need to say HBD, both of you need to get out more 😁

To be clear, one is bothered and one is not

OP posts:
BaggyPJs · 20/03/2025 21:07

How do you cope with Christmas?

DuesToTheDirt · 20/03/2025 21:05

ThatBluntZebra · 20/03/2025 20:55

I'm not entirely sure why you need to message to say thank you for a card? Unnecessary admin

Yes, agreed.