To ask your honest feelings about marriage

Nobody is forcing you to get married. So, don’t. But, you need to be honest with your partner.

You could put your ‘indecent’ wealth in a Trust to protect it for you and your children.

Perhaps it’s just my age/demographic but out of the 5 weddings I’ve been to recently:

• 1 bride took the groom’s surname
• 1 groom took the bride’s surname
• 1 bride added the groom’s surname to her own surname
• 1 couple both double-barrelled their surnames
• 1 couple each kept their own surname

So I don’t think there is a “norm” anymore!

Don’t get married, you don’t want to.

I got married as I wanted my wife to know she is the most important person in the world to me. Neither of us are religious, we didn't have a big ceremony, and neither of us made a big deal of it with our friends. It was not about any of that stuff for me. I didn't consider finances for one second either, as I would happily share everything I have with her. As it turns out, we have been through highs and low financially and in health, and she is still the best thing to ever have happened to me. I wouldn't change a thing (apart from the health lows).

I’m exactly in the same situation as @Chocolate85 only a bit longer.
DH and I have some ups and downs from time to time, I do love to have a breakfast on my own from time to time or claim a living room for sole use but otherwise I love being married to him. Marriage is right for me but it might be not right for you and it’s fine.

Op I adore it I love that dh and I are married even though we got married a good few years after dc born and buying a house I just adore it and him obviously 😂.maybe you haven't found the right man you hear of these commitment phones who never marry like George colony and then... Sham.

You couldn’t pay me £100M to get married. I have absolutely no interest in it

Why not just hand over 50% of your finances? In real that’s all a marriage contract would achieve in real terms for you.

On MN so many are living the other end of marriage where typically the woman’s experience is that marriage equates to a financial penalty through loss of earning potential as the primary carer.

I may sound old fashioned but I like being married.
I like feeling like a team (yes I know you can feel like that not married) I like the fact we publicly declared our love.

Genuine question, how did being a wife change your role in society?

@lilacsilki completely agree with everything you said in you OP (except being wealthy!)

I got married because I wanted to have children and have a stable relationship and financial set up. I love my dg dearly but if I’d never wanted kids I don’t know if I’d have been that bothered.
in your position with very different financial positions I’d have to think about it.

I see this reason a lot for changing names and it doesn’t make sense. Why couldn’t he and your kids take your name if having the same one was important? It’s not really a free choice when it only ever goes one way.

Your independently wealthy and he isn't. No I would not get married

I've been happily married for 20 years and didn't have any reservations about hetting married. If you don't want to get married, don't.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. Don't do it.

I've never been married and I am very happy with that decision. More than half of the people I know who are married, or have been married, regret it and wouldn't do it if they had the time again. The ones who don't regret it aren't happier because they got married, they just got lucky with the right relationship.

If, down the line, you want the legal protection and tax benefit of marriage (which is a good idea if you have children and buy a house together), get a civil partnership with a pre-nup. Don't change your name if you don't want to. When I had my kids I agreed with the dad that girls would get my name and boys his.

I’m ideologically against marriage because if it’s patriarchal history. It literally was a business transaction between men and the woman was the product/item being passed around. I think it removes the incentive for women to be financially independent and encourages outdated structures that are bad for women, and this perpetuates inequality in wider society. I would NEVER change my name.

On the financial side, I have property and earn over double what my partner does, but he has a big chunk of money coming from his parents (not inheritance they’re just offloading their savings onto him to reduce IHT which I also ideologically don’t agree with as a socialist but not my monkeys). Were planning to buy a bigger flat together with his parents money (yes, I’m a hypocritical socialist, I know) and ringfencing our own contributions.

I want to move to another country and if we can do it without marrying we will - but we might have to for visa reasons as only one of us has dual nationality. I have VERY strict criteria for if we have to marry. Bargain basement registry office, no guests (witnesses will be randoms) no fancy clothes, and we’re not telling anyone. I’ll be gritting my teeth all the way through and I really hope it doesn’t come to it. I get the claustrophobic feeling too. I have absolutely no issues with our relationship, I can see it being long term, maybe forever, but I want the freedom to leave without extra complications IF it ever came to that.

Marriage is an unfair contract which harshly penalises those who own assets & disproportionately benefits those who own none.

I think you owe it to yourself and also to your partner to be honest about the way you feel. You don't want to be married - which is understandable and fine - but if they do, you are wasting their time.

I am very happily married and have been for 26 years, but in your shoes OP, I wouldn't marry him, as if things go wrong he will get half of your assets. Please ignore the previous comment about a pre nup, as they are not legally binding in this country.

It doesn’t sound like you want to get married which is fine.
I've been with my husband for just over 20 years and I don’t find it remotely suffocating. We both love our space so do our own thing as well as doing things together. We were also quite young and none of us financially stable which made it easier in that way. I took his name because I wanted the same as my kids. There’s nothing transactional about my marriage, we love and respect each other and have built a life together.
But if it’s not for you then don’t do it.

Then I take it back. Was just a feeling. Glad I was wrong.

I don't think you should get married as you don't seem to love him.