To ask your honest feelings about marriage

It think It's overrated from what I see unless you have children. Since you're independently wealthy, I wouldn't.

Ask yourself
"Am I confident I can run a successful small to medium business with this person".
Because that's basically what marriage is.

I felt pretty ambivalent about getting married. I am F and sole earner for most of time and owned house - DH was SAHP most of time came to marriage with no wealth.

With genders swapped everyone would tell the SAHP to get married for 'security'. We had kids first and then got married - basically so DH would have rights to house and kids if I died - so 'security' for family.

Yes, I was sort of uncomfortable that it meant he now had rights to house/pension/income if we split but that is what happens if you are a family or a partnership. And him being the SAHP enabled me to progress through my career like a 1950s man and still have children and family life I wanted.

So question I think I'd ask is l: are you expecting your partner to stand entirely on his own financially - in which case don't marry or get pre-nup. If you think you want to be a unit have open discussion about what you are bringing to the partnership and see whether an all-in legal contract which is what marriage is, is appropriate.

The party and promises you can do in a myriad of other ways.

Don’t get married.

But if you love your partner think about how they build their own security: if you live in your house are they building their own savings / pension / property?

Would you support them through unemployment, illness?

Talk about your commitment to these things.

Who suggested marriage? Is your DP financially secure?

If you were a man and had this view I would say fair enough UNLESS you had kids or were planning them. As childbearing puts women at such risk unless they have home and financial security. Also if you have kids would your DP be a SAHD? In which case, again, there needs to be security for their having given up their own income.

Overrated experience

So don’t marry. At whose instigation did you get engaged? It’s an institution freighted with historical misogyny. We actually had to marry for a practical reason, but I wouldn’t have otherwise, and would have opted for a civil partnership had they been available to straight people then.

But I think you need to think whether it’s the financial risk or the gendered freight of marriage that’s disturbing you.

I wouldn’t get married in your situation OP. It’s harsh but unless you are the poorer partner or are both of similar wealth I wouldn’t get married.

If you were elderly I’d suggest getting married for inheritance tax purposes though.

@coldcallerbaiter what I’ve read recently suggests prenups may be binding if drawn up properly - at least 28 days before the marriage takes place and each person getting independent advice. I think you’d need a solicitor to advise and draw one up.

Looking at this myself atm because my DP of 14 years is keen to get married and there are certain financial advantages, but our financial positions are quite different.

What is everyone’s opinion on the effectiveness of pre-nips? I never hear any feedback on how they act work out in a split situation. Just that they are not binding, but still a good idea, that’s much if a guarantee for such an important matter

Definitely don’t do it, unless you are indecently wealthy. 😂

I am married, mid 40's, been married since we were 31. I kept my own name. I wouldn't marry again.

We are mostly happy together, he's lovely and we have fun but if we didn't have DC I would have probably left ages ago because it does sort of feel claustrophobic like others have said. DH would be horrified and upset if I said that to his face .

In my first house I owned it on my own and lived alone. I often fantasise to living alone again by the sea in a little flat.

Of the 3 other couples who got married at the same time and age as us 2 of the couples are now divorced and both say they wouldn't marry again.

Ugh, after 20+ years I finally decided to leave my controlling ex who put me through the most protracted and painful divorce, lied and ripped me off. I don’t think I’ll ever get over being treated like that by someone who was supposed to love me the most, and he did it smiling and gleeful that he was doing that to his kids too. I’m now engaged and although I love him to bits, I don’t think I want to be legally tied to a man again. I don’t think I can face it.

if you are independently wealthy then you should protect your independence at all costs. Either stay single or have a prenup.
Marriage is mostly hard, suffocating, disappointing, frustrating, and boring.

I have been with my DP 10 years and we have a child together. I came into the relationship with a lot more than him, financially. I don't want to get married for the reason that we have different attitudes to money - he is not a saver whereas I am. I have made careful decisions with my money over the years, making investments, whereas he is of the view that "if you have it, spend it".

The only joint financial thing we have is a joint account - we pay 50% of bills and food shop / clothes for DD etc.

I use the income from my investments for the good of the family, and we all benefit from me bringing in more money than him, but the capital is mine and I absolutely wouldn't give him 50% of that in the event of splitting.

I don't need the protection of marriage. I have a good job and could manage by myself no bother if we split. I can provide for our child. I have planned for the future.

Only marry if it benefits you.

Marriage is a legal contract which is of fundamental importance to the security of the vast majority of women, most of whom have children and take a hit to their earning capacity. For those women in the OP’s position, there are fewer benefits, but there are still benefits both financial and emotional.

It is 100% a business transaction, that's the sole reason we got married.

Love isn't a good reason to make a legally binding contract.

Edited to add, neither of us changed name or title and we didn't tell anyone because its just a financial agreement.

Turn it on its head - why would you get married?

Totally agree. I'm the same. My DH is wealthy and much older than me. If he died first I would never remarry, for financial reasons.

In your situation, I would not marry and risk losing half of my inheritance in a divorce.

Most of my younger friends getting married now have kept their maiden names. I think it's quite common these days so if you don't want to change it, don't!

My DH and I were fairly equally wealthy before marriage but I have given up work to look after dc. I wouldn't have done that without the security of marriage. I also feel emotionally more secure post marriage.

But I have a friend who was the wealthy one and lost hundreds of thousands in her divorce to her feckless now-Ex. They'd only been married for two years! In that case I can really see the appeal of not getting married or having a prenup.

If deep down, you don’t want to get married, don’t. It’s really that simple.

I’d love that!

I feel sad when younger relatives get married

I don't think it's of any benefit to women. Not straight relationships any way.

I'll be advising my daughter to avoid it and concentrate on other things and live her life for herself.

I REALLY struggled with the idea of of marriage my whole life.

My mum married 3 times and my dad married 4 times. They both said the other changed overnight after marriage. They hated each other.

Then there is the whole patriarchy of ownership and up till the late 90s, marital rape was legal. So when you sign a marriage contract, the government can change the terms of it! Who is to say they won't change the terns for the worse in the future?

And the name change thing. I don't like the idea of losing your identity as a woman and even your title changing. It isn't fair or equitable.

I would even say I had a phobia of it and the tern "wife" made me sweat.

However, when I met my husband, things changed.

He is absolutely THE ONE. I adore him and he me. We discussed thoroughly the terms of marriage for several years.

My title is Ms, not Mrs.
We wear rings on the right hand, not left.
We kept our own last names, and double barrelled with a brand new made up name, which our daughter has, so she isn't named after a man.
We got married by a priestess in a goddess temple.
We renew our vows every 2 years.

We've been married just over 4 years and I can report the following extra benefits:

My sleep is better
My nightmares have significantly reduced (I have PTSD)
I feel less insecure... I have a feeling of groundedness that I've never experienced before
I feel like I can truly be my full, entire self
I am "regular" for the first time in my life (this is a very unexpected perk)

So if you really love each other, discuss everything first. Marriage is a legally binding contract so you both want to be happy with ALL the terms of it.

If I were you I’d opt for a permanent engagement. That’s what I’ll be doing next time around! (I’ve assets that will be going to my kids and no one else regardless of how ‘in love’ we are!)